Fiancee Does Not Like My Father

[surfaceanddive]

I'll try to keep this brief and maybe add more details later! Here's my story:

 

My fiancee and I have been together almost 3 years, engaged 7 months, living together 2 years, getting married next fall in 2012. I'm 27, she's 23. She's had a rocky relationship with my dad over the years (we've also personally had our ups & downs with our relationship). It started out great, but my dad is a talker and says a lot of stuff without thinking. "Gift of gab" so to speak. My dad felt that they got close and when my dad is close to someone and likes them he'll throw in a jab here or there always in friendly ways and never malicious. My fiancee being pretty sensitive got tired of this and no longer likes my fathers insensitive statements and jokes. She was picked on a lot growing up, so probably still has baggage from that.

 

I've been put in the position a few times now where I need to confront my dad and demand an apology when he's said something "insensitive." My mother whom I've talked to says thats just who he is and he means no harm and my parents love my fiancee like their own daughter. My fiancee doesn't forgive & forget easily and takes things really personally a lot of the time, so it makes my life a living hell whenever something happens.

 

Last night would be the most recent example since we had a family dinner with both parents meeting. It was sort of awkward because her parents are divorced (her dad is remarried and the current wife was present) but everyone had a great time. On the drive home my fiancee mentioned she was really upset after acting so casual and normal and fine that my dad said things that were insensitive and hurtful. I didnt notice him saying anything and I don't really think anyone else did. I heard him say one thing like "oh shes not all there sometimes" or something to that extent, but it was clearly a joke. I tried to get a hold of him today to confront him, but only got through to my mother. She apologized if he said anything that hurt her feelings and wouldnt ever mean to hurt her and was probably just nervous and trying to make a good impression on her folks and said probably I shouldn't bring it up with my dad (yet again) because it would make him feel bad.

 

Any thoughts on what I should do? We're also in the process of buying a condo together, which makes me nervous that she'll up and leave me. We otherwise have a really good relationship, I'm just stumped on this.

Edited May 17, 2011 by surfaceanddive
Details

[Datura]

Why would she leave you over that? If her leaving is a real possibility, you may want to rethink this whole marriage thing.

 

What is your impression; is your fiance taking things too personally, or is your dad being a jerk?

 

I heard him say one thing like "oh shes not all there sometimes" or something to that extent, but it was clearly a joke.

 

Such a remark might stem from his actual belief that she is indeed "not all there." Has your fiance done anything in the past that indicated she is forgetful/flighty?

 

Your father might just need to use some self control and not joke around with her at all.

Edited May 17, 2011 by Datura
examples provided

[Fugu]

Has your fiance threatened to leave? If she has, I would agree with the previous post that you would need to rethink getting married.

 

Your family is your family, so don't expect them to change. However, I guess I would need to know more, like what kinds of things is your dad saying? Is it stuff that would be considered just a wee bit playful, or is it something that anyone would rightly be offended at? If it's offensive to anyone, then you need to confront your dad about it and point out why it's offensive, and don't back down. However, if it's just because your wife can't take a joke, then maybe you need to rethink what's going on in your relationship with her.

[oldguy]

Oh Dr. Phil would love to hear from you, LOL

 

Seriously; we all have relative that can make us cringe. If your fiancée has past issues, as you mentioned, she might want to get some help with that. I wouldn't want to be the one to bring that up however. But your dad is going to be part of her family and unless he is a complete @ss, which, from your side of this stry, he doesn't sound like he is, she should probably get some help for her past issues and maybe that'll help her get a thicker skin.

 

On the other hand, he's your dad and your use to him, he may be an intolerable jerk. Maybe you could ask an impartial but honest friend.

Edited May 20, 2011 by oldguy

[heartshaped]

Honestly, she sounds oversensitive and like she has issues from her past that she hasn't resolved. I would be very hesitant to marry someone who 'makes your life a living hell' all because she took a joke your father made the wrong way. It's one thing to be upset or even to think something he said was inappropriate, but to go as far as this, to make such a huge deal out of essentially nothing is a bit..well, I shouldn't even have to finish that sentence.

[Get]

To be honest, your dad sounds like kind of a dick. It has been a long-standing issue, so he knows that this really hurts her feelings, but isn't respectful enough of your fiance to watch what he says around her? Especially when in mixed company, politeness is king, and jokes about her mental status aren't really appropriate.

 

If someone was constantly taking little jabs at me, no matter how jokingly, I'd assume that they were trying to get the impression across that they didn't like me and was doing it in an annoying passive aggressive way. Grain of truth and all that.