Difficulties with oldest friendship

[betterdeal]

My oldest friendship has always been a difficult one. Over the 20 years or so we have known each other, I have taken a lot of low level verbal abuse from him. He and his girlfriend went travelling last year, and have only just arrived back in town.

 

I've been asked a couple of times over the years why I don't stand up to him. Having spent the past year learning about my abusive history, attending to my physical health, counselling etc. to find healthier ways to live, I've found my interaction with him this weekend notable by how how upsetting it was.

 

I've not been an angel, by far, and used to be quite sarcastic, indirect and negative myself. However, I have changed, dealt with many of my issues in constructive ways and am, frankly, no longer used to such interactions, the competitiveness over petty things, the attempts to belittle, the deliberate disrespect.

 

The guy has no friends in this town other than those he's met through his girlfriend or me (and he met his girlfriend through me). We both moved here 5 years ago to get away from the big smoke (London). This has been a theme in our lives in the past 15 years or so - I meet people, he tags along. It feels like it has been extraordinarily one-sided.

 

I'm trying out a new counsellor on Friday and will be aiming to work on ways to deal with this sort of abuse more effectively. I've walked away from several pushy, unstable or otherwise unpleasant people in the past year, and I'm avoiding him at the moment.

 

I would like to be able to stand up for myself, without letting my nerves get the better of me (sending me into a panic or anger response) instead of having to flee so much.

 

I know my own advice: be direct, say what you feel, what makes you feel that way and what you want to happen. It's easier said than done especially when I automatically feel nervous or bad blood when I meet the person in question. I guess expressing some of the anger it causes is okay. Better to let him know why I am avoiding him.

 

It's amazing just how many unhealthy relationships I have had and lived with over the years. I only appreciate it now that I have severed most of them or redefined the ones that matter to me (i.e. with family). I realise this is as much about my behaviour as anyone else's. This friendship is probably the last leftover from my old life that I need to deal with.

[Jenvenialak]

purchase Zanaflex online without script Online pharmacy cod Micardis Hct Femara pharmacy no prescriptions needed for Norvasc order cheap Imodium mastercard generic purchase cheap online Asacol Frumil with free fedex overnight purchase Frumil without rx to ship overnight fedex Zerit without priscription purchase Zovirax no visa without prescription overnight Tenoretic c.o.d Timoptic fedex Prandin non rx fedex overnight free buy Ticlid cod next day delivery purchase Lopid without a prescription online order Zantac without rx from us pharmacy Casodex cheap overnight fedex ordering Xenical without a script Order Oxsoralen online cod Bactrim with overnight fedex Fedex Monopril without prescription order Voltaren free next day air Voltaren on line order Micronase online with overnight delivery purchase Nizoral Cream mastercard in Kitchener Rebetol u.p.s shipping cod order Aggrenox overnight delivery how to buy Metaglip online without a rx where to buy generic Micronase online without a prescription no prescription Parafon with fedex buy Loxitane mastercard in Sydney where can i buy Veetids without a rx Diflucan fedex Cheap Trileptal overnight purchase online Glucotrol without rx Detrol La purchased online without prescription

[Kari]

If this friend disrespects you, why choose to keep him around?

 

I understand that you wish to stand up to him, but in my eyes leaving the friendship is another way of doing so.

 

It's not cowardice or just walking away - It's choosing to end the disrespect and shows that you have a higher value for yourself.

 

If he mentions something that makes you upset, tell him straight away that you don't appreciate his attitude towards you, and that you deserve respect.

 

Friendship isn't about one upping each other.

 

I do hope that you can find a solution soon.

[Badenov]

I agree w/ Kari. Tell your friend how you feel, tell him you need a break from him (He'll need time to get over the initial defensiveness we all have when criticized), let him think about it. He'll either realize you have a point & adjust his attitude or he'll invalidate your feelings--in which case walking away is justified. Just remember: "We can't make people treat us the way we feel we deserve, we can only decide whether or not to put up with it."

[betterdeal]

Yep. I agree with you. I will resolve this.

[SpiralOut]

It must be hard to let go of someone you have known so long, even if he's not a very nice person. The fact that he can't make friends without your help is very telling. He seems to be getting good use out of your company, but you aren't getting much back from him.

 

Whenever I need to deal with someone or something unpleasant, I focus on how good I will feel after doing it instead of worrying about how bad I will feel while I am doing it. Be in the moment and remember that his words don't matter anymore. He might call you names or be angry, but everything he says will roll off your back because he's a negative person whose opinion no longer matters.

[betterdeal]

It's got that way. I guess that just like most problems the first step in resolving it is to admit it exists. I'll be more assertive with myself and him next time we meet and he's negative.

[Star Gazer]

I'll be more assertive with myself and him next time we meet and he's negative.

 

I've found with friends, family, and even some SOs, that the best time to address something they've done or are doing that bothers you isn't right when they do it, but rather when you're in a good, happy place with them. So you might want to consider bringing up what bothers you when you're enjoying each other's company, rather than at the very moment he does something that bothers you - like being negative.

 

I know it might seem counterintuitive, and that you don't want to burst a happy bubble and think pointing it out right when it happens might have the most impact, but people aren't dogs. Rubbing their noses in the poop right after they've shat on you usually doesn't work - they just become defensive. Rather, wait until you're playing with them and say, "Jeez, I so enjoy your company, which is why when you sh*t on my carpet, it upsets me because I question whether I want to see you again."

 

That's what's worked for me, anyway.

[betterdeal]

Good point. I think what I want to be able to do is not feel as upset by it so I can pick the right moment to address it.

 

My guess is that we have developed this unhealthy pattern and it's feeding itself. There's underlying resentment because we don't talk directly to each other about our effect on each other. I can guess why that is, but that's largely historical. What matters now is dealing with it and reaching a satisfactory conclusion.

 

If he has beef with something I say or do now, say so. Otherwise, I don't know what's bugging him and I feel resentment for being talked down to when he doesn't talk down to anyone else like this. In return I won't get overly-emotional when he does complain about something and I'll stop being passive aggressive too.

[Star Gazer]

Good point. I think what I want to be able to do is not feel as upset by it so I can pick the right moment to address it.

 

This too! When you wait until they do something to upset you, you're bound to react out of emotion and say the wrong thing or say the right thing the wrong way... ...which will only make them more defensive.

 

I dunno, the timing of feedback is tricky.

 

What matters now is dealing with it and reaching a satisfactory conclusion.

 

If he has beef with something I say or do now, say so. Otherwise, I don't know what's bugging him and I feel resentment for being talked down to when he doesn't talk down to anyone else like this. In return I won't get overly-emotional when he does complain about something and I'll stop being passive aggressive too.

 

If possible, yes, it would be a good idea to let history go under the bridge, and start anew. Easier said than done, but I've made it happen. Hopefully you two can too.

[betterdeal]

Yeah, I think it will happen. I certainly want it to happen, which is a starting point for any journey.

 

Thanks for the input.