should I take offence for not being as important as a few days on a sunny beach?

[bluechocolate]

For a number of years I lived half way around the world from my friends and family. For the past 5 years I've been living much closer, though still a 7 hour flight away. I have been fortunate and am blessed with enough financial security that I have "retired" at the tender age of 40. While I was busy with a new life and building my career overseas it was impossible to visit home and impossible to expect that friends and family could devote the time and money necessary to visit me. Since moving to Europe 5 years ago I have visited home on several occassions and fly my parents over every year for a month long vacation and I have extended the same hospitality to a few of my friends.

 

My concern deals with my oldest friend (we've known each other for 30 years now and have remained friends depite my extensive travelling). On three seperate occasions over the past 5 years I have flown him over here and have also taken him with us on holidays to Greece and London. His financial situation is nearly hand-to-mouth and it is honestly my pleasure to have his company at my expense. However, I have become perturbed at the fact that every year he and his partner find the money to enjoy a week in the tropics in the winter and a week or two in cottage country in the summer but he has yet to find the money to pay for a flight to visit me. This despite the fact that he knows once he gets here his outgoings would be his own personal expenses only. If he wanted, or could only afford, to have a cheap holiday we could hang around the house - I have plenty of room, a large garden, live nearby to some stunning countryside and all the freetime in the world.

 

Last year just before he embarked on a week long holiday to warmer climes (whose cost would have bought him and his partner a flight here and left them spending money) I told him of my feelings. Basically how I felt slighted that it seems the only way he would visit me was at my expense when clearly he has had the means to pay for a flight here many times over the past five years. His explanation of needing a tropical holiday after those harsh North American winters left me a little cold. If I was given the choice between a beach holiday and spending time with some old dear friends whom I do not get to see very often, my friends would win out every time. I'm not asking nor expecting him to make a yearly pilgrimage, but not even once in 5 years? Should I take offence at feeling less important than a few days on a sunny beach?

[dyermaker]

You can be offended if you feel offended, but it's an inherently distructive behavior, and won't do your relationship with your friend any good at all.

 

You have no right to criticize the financial status of your friend, how much money he has, or what he does with it. You may be great friends, but never does a friendship go to a point which puts you in charge of his spending. He has every right to vacation, with his wife, wherever he wants. I'm sure he values a relationship with you, but you have isolated yourself to a place that's not financially accessible for all people.

 

Additionally, if you're paying for his trip, that's your prerogative, but because of the unequal nature of finances, you can't expect to get anything back except what you paid for.

[Arabess]

Perhaps this person is only a friend to you when you are paying for it. It DOES happen.

[morrigan]

If your friend's behavior bothers you this much, invite him to visit you, but only offer to pay for half his plane fare or not at all (since he's staying with you at your expense).

 

Does your friend ever invite you to visit him or to go on a trip to the tropics? I'd be more upset if a friend of mine never invited me anywhere, rather than that I was paying expenses when I invited them.

[bluechocolate]

"You have no right to criticize the financial status of your friend, how much money he has, or what he does with it. You may be great friends, but never does a friendship go to a point which puts you in charge of his spending. He has every right to vacation, with his wife, wherever he wants. I'm sure he values a relationship with you, but you have isolated yourself to a place that's not financially accessible for all people"

 

 

I fail to see how I was critical of the financial status of my friend. As for being "in charge of his spending" - the observation was that someone who can afford a week in the tropics every winter and a few weeks by a lake every summer can surely have afforded at least one flight to the UK in the past 5 years? Flying to London is no more financially inaccessible than Mexico, Cuba or the Muskokas. I suppose this observation could be construed as meddling in his finances. I guess the reason I wrote was that, unlike you, I am not so sure that he does value our relationship.

[moimeme]

Should I take offence at feeling less important than a few days on a sunny beach?

 

You can look at it one of two ways. It could be that this friend feels your friendship is the sort that doesn't need face-to-face contact to remain strong. It could be that he does not value the friendship as much as you. In the former, it's a case of differing priorities. In the latter, you could be disappointed, but I don't know about offended. To be offended means you think people 'should' do something. Expectations can lead to unhappiness. But you certainly have every right to be disappointed in the latter case.

 

Another possibility could be that his wife expresses a strong preference for the warm weather vacations and he doesn't want to admit to you that it he does this on her insistence.

[bluechocolate]

If your friend's behavior bothers you this much, invite him to visit you, but only offer to pay for half his plane fare or not at all (since he's staying with you at your expense).

 

Does your friend ever invite you to visit him or to go on a trip to the tropics? I'd be more upset if a friend of mine never invited me anywhere, rather than that I was paying expenses when I invited them.

 

Thank you - inviting him is a good idea - though a standing invitation has always been open there is a celebration happening this winter that offers a good opportunity for a more formal invite.

 

I HAVE visited him many times, sometimes more than twice a year - he lives in the same city we grew up in so I get to see him as well as my family and other friends. Perhaps this is the problem.

 

Also, please let me clarify - I am not upset that I have paid for him to visit me in the past - those were invitations, which included flights and expenses, that I initiated and was more than happy to pay for.

[SexKitten]

maybe he thinks you're a little hoity-toity?

[whichwayisup]

If I was given the choice between a beach holiday and spending time with some old dear friends whom I do not get to see very often, my friends would win out every time. I'm not asking nor expecting him to make a yearly pilgrimage, but not even once in 5 years? Should I take offence at feeling less important than a few days on a sunny beach?

 

Because you did so much and flew your friend out to see you, you've put an expectation on the friendship. I understand your disappointment but really, your friend doesn't "owe" you a visit if they have a choice of vacation spot.

 

Me being from Canada, I totally understand the need to get away somewhere warm, as our winter months are just brutual!

 

What counts is what happens, the actual friendship, the talking and having fun together, knowing eachother for so long. Try not to take it personally and make it about you. They both decided where to take their trip, if your friend wanted to go see you that is fine, but what if they had no choice? Takes two to make that decision in a partnership.

 

Bottom line, you paid the expense, and expected something in return. You didn't get it and your feelings are hurt. Try not to let this get to you and take it negative.

[RecordProducer]

Friendships can be weird. I've had 3 good friends who have abandoned me and I never figured out the reason. The only thing I know about them is that they were all jealous of me. During the relationships, the last two have told me offensive things but I never back-fired. I knew they were bothered by me being prettier and wealthier than them. I took their jealousy as natural.

In any case, I thought we were great friends (they are sisters). The last time I saw them was on my wedding. They never came to see my babies. The last time she (the younger)called me on my birthday (my babies were already 4.5 months old) and I told her that my husband (now ex) had left me again. She didn't sound much like she was sorry for me, she just said she would come visit me two days later. She never came, never called.

And I believed she was my best friend ever. I loved her so much. My mom has always told they were not my true friends and they're envious. Since when I told her that they were making fun of my boobs and round face... when I lost my job and told them I had no money, they said "That doesn't prevent you from smoking expensive cigarettes and eating chocolate!" I said "I already had the whole box of cigs" and she said "yeah, sure, I believe you!" I asked what was that supposed to mean and she said she was joking. Was she? Or was it a sign of what kind of friends they were to me?

Sometimes we're blind and don't see that our friends are envious of us or are using us.

Your friend is used to you paying for his airline tickets and he doesn't want to spend his money on something that he doesn't have to. Moreover he is probably disappointed that this time you are not willing to pay for things you have been paying for in the past 5 years.

I kinda understand that they would rather go on a trip than visit you. But I see a pattern of one-sided friendship where one is using the other. It probably became too convenient for them traveling at your account. You shouldn't get people used to that too much. It's okay when it comes to your parents and siblings, but friends... hmmmm..

[Jayhawks]

People can be your friend but get in a habit of expecting someone else to pay for their expenses. I have a friend who was jobless for awhile and I offered to take him to dinner once a week so he would have some recreation in his life. well, when he got a job he still expected me to pay for our weekly outings. I knew we were still friends but I think it is human nature for some people to take advantage of your generosity.

 

My suggestion would be for you to offer to pay for his trip to see you and when you travel to see him then he could offer the same.

[Outcast]

OP date April 2004

[amberlily]

Look at things from his possible point of view - you're 40 and retired - whereas, you indicate he lives hand to mouth and no doubt works very hard, a full time job, works to live. He doesn't have the easy, luxurious lifestyle that you have, or the means to have that lifestyle. Don't begrudge the poor guy because he and his partner want to get away in the cold winter, to a beach - to unwind and regroup before going back to the daily grind that you no longer have to deal with. I'm assuming he's likely close to your age, so he's likely got about 25 yrs of work left to do, whereas, you're retired and don't have the stresses and burdens.

 

Perhaps to you, due to your cushy lifestyle, you don't appreciate getting away for a week to relax on the beach, particularly in the winter - but try to see it from him point of view.

 

And if you say money isn't the issue then why express annoyance with the fact that he finds the money to go to the beach for a week yet allows you to pay to fly him to see you??