Things are not going good right now, the wedding is right around the corner.

[MarthaX]

I have been with my now fiance for over a decade.

He proposed to me at the end of 2010. No date was ever set, we just know we wanted the summer and figured 2012 was more than enough time.

Just a couple months after that we found out my dad's cancer worsened, so I felt we should really consider having the wedding this summer. And so we picked a date.

 

My fiance and I both felt like wow, this is going to be so soon and at first we both felt weird like it was not a lot of time. But once we got into things it went smoothly... it wasn't hard to plan.

Then my dad passed away a couple months ago-- a little over a month and a half since the date was set. Now my fiance and his family think we should be postponing it.

 

Everything is all set too. Shower, dresses, flowers, entertainment, everything.

He has given me a multitude of excuses (he says nobody is happy) to change the date, then turns around and says it's too late anyway. He cannot give me any reason to make this for next summer, and lose thousands in deposits to boot.

 

It's not as simple as changing the date-- what's he going to do, want to change it again? I feel like I will hold it against him for making me do this without giving me any reason. I have had to ask advice from even my mother and she said she thinks it's his mother and sister telling him to.

 

I know he would marry me, but he would still go on about how he's not happy, and his family, the only people not on board-- are not on board from what he says and how they act. And it's right around the corner. The other day he and I had a talk and he said ok lets do it for this date, and talked about the wedding bands we looked at... it seemed fine... but it's like a constant circle.

 

He would marry me now, after all this time, but go on and on that he's not happy. But I will feel betrayed for the rest of my life if I change the date for no reason. It's hard to explain. I told him, you proposed to me! I'm at work right now and am trying to figure out the quickest way to describe what is going on. Any advice is appreciated...

 

---

More is he is not on my side so much, he listens to what his mother and sister tell him to do... it's really hard because it's his family, but as I have told him, I am to be his wife... we need to be eachother's rock.

His sister has an issue because she is a very controlling individual and tried to control our wedding plans. But I wouldn't let her. Now she has him saying I don't include anyone (not even remotely true). She has been included very much! It's very strange... like when someone says that and it is simply not true. She was involved in several things until she turned around and spit on us, not literally but just about.

Edited May 17, 2011 by MarthaX

[phillyfan]

I feel for u girl, thing is, ur dad passes away and that is so hard for u, the hardest thing, and the dude and his family is givin u a hard time and askin to change the wedding date? That is bad. This is a time u need security n support. Mayb u shud put a stop 2 it urself, does this dude even deserve u?

[allina]

I'm sorry but it seems like he may not really want to marry you. He already put it off by a decade and now he's trying to put it off even more. You say that he'd marry you now, but he's showing you otherwise. I feel like the family, all that stuff is an excuse. There are always obstacles in life, if we want to get things done we have to work through them. I think you need to talk to him about what the real issue is and figure out if he really wants this marriage to happen. Personally, I wouldn't marry a man who wasn't jumping at the chance to be my husband.

[TokyoG33kyGal]

wow...i am sorry. "he is not happy" is so vague. what is his reason for being unhappy? the wedding?

 

he might be having cold feet but you need to set it straight if he cannot provide you a reason why he wants to postpone it.

[vsmini]

You have every right to have a wedding if that's what you want but is it possible you guys could get married now and just save the wedding as some party? It might take the pressure off. What is he delaying exactly? Getting married or having the big wedding?

[myoung13]

From a guy's perspective, there are red flags everywhere! The fact that you've been together for a decade and then finally proposes is the first major red flag. He obviously does not want to commit, which is why he is "postponing" now. Also, he obviously has issues with his family. You are right in your belief that he should cling to you, not his family. For instance, you said that "I wouldn't let her" in regards to controlling the wedding. It should have been "he" wouldn't let her. If he cannot stand up to his sister and his mom, you are going to have problems your entire marriage. I know it's not what you want to hear, but honestly, from what it sounds like, I really think you should evaluate if this is the person to spend the rest of your life with. I am sorry, but my guess is that you know this deep down already.

[MarthaX]

It is really upsetting... the only positive is he doesn't tell me to be quiet when I have said what needs to be said about the sister.

Other than that though... he is basically completely on their side by the looks of it.

 

Last night I even just could not take it anymore... I told him I cannot marry someone that does not want to marry me. I kept saying it, I said I'd be stupid to marry you. Then basically he hangs up, "texts" me that his phone shut off on its own (yeah, right) and then keeps going back and forth with me and calling me because he sees I'm backing away and basically saying I'm done (and I am not someone who says that for nothing. I don't think I ever have). And he keeps asking me if I'm done and that he needs to know!

 

Then this morning I called him and he acts like it didn't happen... I don't get it... I'm lost... I'm a fool... I can't help but wonder if I'd be making a mistake to leave, like what if I am not understanding something or not doing a good job of making him understand?

 

This is all new to him, this whole your sister is not a nice person. I know I have time. My whole family, although they are not interfering, know the situation at hand and have made it very clear that even if I call off the wedding the day of the wedding they will be there for me, for whichever I choose. So I have at least a couple months to figure things out... I would probably not do it the day of the wedding though. But there's still time to talk... I just have to try... I have to try everything I can think of. But I know if I can't do this, I can't ever with him clearly.

[heartshaped]

Unfortunately, there are red flags everywhere. Most likely, it sounds he is afraid of commitment. It took him a decade to propose? That's ridiculous. The 'more time' thing is just to postpone something that he doesn't want to do. When someone wants to marry you they want to do so as quickly as possible. Not put it off to some day far away in the future.

[MarthaX]

Yes it is a while! Although I am in my mid 20's as we're HS sweethearts... I have at least been out of college for 3 years now.

I totally agree, he can't even give me a reason to want to postpone it. But I don't think him saying ok or being ok with it off and on is really any better... I'm really very scared, I just want to try and say what I need to say and just see...

[heartcore]

Honestly with your dad passing away (My condolences to you and your entire family) a wedding would be nice. It gives a feeling of new beginnings for you and your family.

 

So.. personal opinion. When other people try to determine what should happen on your wedding and the groom lets it happen without your consent, you will end up resenting him. I also question about living the rest of my life with someone who lets "our" lives be controlled by other people. I know I can't marry into that.

 

I am going through something slightly similiar, however I know my fiance will always choose me. He is having a hard time adjusting that his bestman cannot attend but I know I'm more important to him. He is planning a life with me, not with his best friend. I'm blessed to have him.

[Star Gazer]

I'm sorry but it seems like he may not really want to marry you. He already put it off by a decade and now he's trying to put it off even more. You say that he'd marry you now, but he's showing you otherwise. I feel like the family, all that stuff is an excuse. There are always obstacles in life, if we want to get things done we have to work through them. I think you need to talk to him about what the real issue is and figure out if he really wants this marriage to happen. Personally, I wouldn't marry a man who wasn't jumping at the chance to be my husband.

 

Pretty blunt, but I agree.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Well I don't agree with these responses at all. Everyone's giving you a hard time for him waiting 10 years to propose, yet if he proposed earlier on, like while you guys were still in high school/college/your early 20s, everyone would be giving you a hard time for getting married too young. So I think you should just ignore all these silly comments, there's nothing wrong with waiting until you're a grownup to get married ;p

 

As for him wanting to postpone, i echo the sentiment of, is it the wedding or the marriage he wnts to postpone, and how can you find out for sure which it is.