Will I eventually stop thinking about the OM?

[dryerase]

Hi - hoping for insight from those of you who have gone through this or are going through this.

 

I recently ended an affair to a man I loved (or believe I loved, sometimes I don't know because it seems like everyone believes they are in love "affair fog"). I am finding it hard not to think about him, especially because we work near each other (for the next few weeks only). I have already gone back to him a couple of times from missing him, and as soon as I do, I realize after a couple of days that getting divorced is not what I want for my children, and I regret it. However, when I miss him, I wonder whether I should have just been together with him (even though I know in my gut and my mind that this would not be a good choice for so many reasons). I am sick of being so wishy-washy in my head!

 

I am trying hard to avoid the same mistake and sticking with NC (or almost NC since we work at the same place). I am doing everything I can for my family. Some will ask, and I have not told my husband yet, because I just cannot deal with this affair withdrawal and my husband's wrath together at the same time. I will tell him when I feel a bit stronger. So I sort of have no one I can talk to about this at the present time and who can help me get through this.

 

I guess I am just hoping for support from others who know about this or who have gotten over it themselves, that eventually this will get better and life will feel normal without the OM. I have never been on drugs, but I feel like I know what being a drug addict is like now because I am majorly withdrawing!

 

Thank you!

[What_Next]

Why not go be with him? The grass is always greener you know.

 

Your kids, how bloody selfish of you to mention them in your self serving post. Your kids, how in the heck do you think they are going to feel when they discover their mother is a two timer (and I PRAY they will discover it). With any luck when your husband finds out what type of a wife you are he'll discard you like the ____ you are.

 

Waahhh, waaahh, poor me. What a croc of ____.

[whammy]

these responses are kind of harsh.... but you shouldnt let them hurt your feelings you should let them give you a kick in the pants. As I have read, seen, and experienced.. even the nicest married women can be complete pieces of sh*t when they start something with another man. And yes you are being a complete piece of sh*t your husband right now. DONT DO THAT! BREAK THE CYCLE! be brave, show atleast once of dignity, come out form the darkness...right now you are a little weasel hiding in the corner and making excuses.

 

Are you really in love with your husband? because what you are doing to him right now is terrible. if this is what you do to the man you love then I would hate to be your enemy.

[Owl]

I'm going to give you a slightly different viewpoint on things.

 

My own marriage is happily recovered after my wife's emotional affair several years ago.

 

I've been posting here on LS and other forums for a good few years now, and I've seen a LOT of attempts at marital recovery after an affair...both successful and unsuccessful.

 

And the vast majority of successful ones occurred where the betrayed spouse either learned of the affair on their own or were told by their spouse who had the affair.

 

And here's the thing...while I realize that you don't want to consider trying to deal with BOTH your H's 'wrath' and the affair withdrawl right now, I think you underestimate the advantage of not being able to sit and focus on one or the other, but forced into dealing with both at the same time.

 

If you were dealing with your H's wrath and fighting to save your marriage...you wouldn't have the luxury to focus on how much you hurt and miss OM. You'd be dealing with a lot more than just that...and that can help remove the focus on that pain until after it's healed somewhat.

 

It can DISTRACT you from that pain while you're dealing with other issues.

 

It's something to consider, and a different viewpoint than one you've thought about.

 

Here's my take. I think that one day you CAN "get over" OM. But it won't happen while he's the focus of your attention.

 

Regardless, I wish the best for all of you involved in your situation.

[What_Next]

Frozensprouts, well said. I know my first response cut to the core, but I really believe cheaters need to sometimes feel the brunt of what they have chosen to do. Listen to what frozensprouts has to say, this post contains some very valid suggestions and very keen observations. The message is the same (allbeit said with more tact than mine), tell your husband the truth.

[JaneyAmazed]

Hi - hoping for insight from those of you who have gone through this or are going through this.

 

I recently ended an affair to a man I loved (or believe I loved, sometimes I don't know because it seems like everyone believes they are in love "affair fog"). I am finding it hard not to think about him, especially because we work near each other (for the next few weeks only). I have already gone back to him a couple of times from missing him, and as soon as I do, I realize after a couple of days that getting divorced is not what I want for my children, and I regret it. However, when I miss him, I wonder whether I should have just been together with him (even though I know in my gut and my mind that this would not be a good choice for so many reasons). I am sick of being so wishy-washy in my head!

 

I am trying hard to avoid the same mistake and sticking with NC (or almost NC since we work at the same place). I am doing everything I can for my family. Some will ask, and I have not told my husband yet, because I just cannot deal with this affair withdrawal and my husband's wrath together at the same time. I will tell him when I feel a bit stronger. So I sort of have no one I can talk to about this at the present time and who can help me get through this.

 

I guess I am just hoping for support from others who know about this or who have gotten over it themselves, that eventually this will get better and life will feel normal without the OM. I have never been on drugs, but I feel like I know what being a drug addict is like now because I am majorly withdrawing!

 

Thank you!

 

 

This part worries me. I remember thinking this at one time - thinking I could do it. I decided to end my affair and confess on the same day. It was risky, but I did it because I didn't want to lose my husband. When you say you will wait until you're stronger to tell your husband, I hate to say this, but I think the more time you stay connected to OM, the weaker you will be -- not stronger. Sometimes you have to get the courage to do what is right. No matter what, you will suffer consequences. You already have. The good thing about withdrawing from the "drug" (I had to go through it too) is that you are freeing yourself from the addition little by little. You will get through it, and when you do, you will see things more clearly. If your marriage is worth saving, tell your H now and let the chips fall. Respect him enough to tell him and respect him enough to go NC with OM.

[SoulStorm]

This part worries me. I remember thinking this at one time - thinking I could do it. I decided to end my affair and confess on the same day. It was risky, but I did it because I didn't want to lose my husband. When you say you will wait until you're stronger to tell your husband, I hate to say this, but I think the more time you stay connected to OM, the weaker you will be -- not stronger. Sometimes you have to get the courage to do what is right. No matter what, you will suffer consequences. You already have. The good thing about withdrawing from the "drug" (I had to go through it too) is that you are freeing yourself from the addition little by little. You will get through it, and when you do, you will see things more clearly. If your marriage is worth saving, tell your H now and let the chips fall. Respect him enough to tell him and respect him enough to go NC with OM.

Great post Janey.

[whammy]

the love isnt real. the only thing creating it is your marriage. the fact that you are married and maybe a little bored is the entire fuel behind these feelings. Seriously, you were single, before you met your husband, would this guy even be on your radar? I guarantee you wouldn't even call this guy back even you had slept together or went on dates...if you were single.

 

the feeling of loving and longing for this man are nothing compared to the earth shattering, soul shaking ache that you will feel, when your are 70 and sitting in a rocking chair all alone..looking out over the yard of your nursing home...and thinking about the man you let go and always loved (your husband). fix this...be strong. affair partners have a much higher break up/ divorce rate then the already high divorce rate of regular couples. a HUGE majority of people that ruin their marriages with affiars (whether they marry the affair partner or not) will completely regret it and want nothing more then to be back with their orginal spouses.

 

not telling him asap is a bad strategy. him finding out about it on his own or finding out about it years later is a death sentence...you only live once.... what do you want? who do you want your husband to see when he looks at you?

[dryerase]

I really appreciate all your replies. I have read them all over twice just now. I don't feel sorry for myself, I blame myself for all of this. It is just very helpful to hear all of your words as I try to lift this "fog". I am definitely not out of it, but I think with each passing day, it gets a little better. There are times when I feel set back and missing the OM, as I was experiencing when I wrote earlier today. I am so glad I found this forum. Have been reading on this forum and elsewhere, and it is helping me see the light gradually. I will be telling my husband this weekend.

 

Will continue to read your replies if I am "withdrawing" again. Thank you all again.

[DufenSchmertz]

I disagree that getting divorced is not the right path for your children, because you sound woefully selfish and immature.

 

A divorce will free your husband to try to find someone who will actually make a good spouse and honorable step mother to your kids. Your husband needs to "clean house."

 

Of course that's just my opinion, your husband probably loves you and may be willing to give you a second chance. But if so, that's his call, not yours.

[YellowShark]

I will be telling my husband this weekend.

 

As a BS I can tell you the worst part of my EX's affair was that my financial and emotional partner in life was lying to me for so long. The physical part of the affair was one level, but the deception, withholding of information, and out-and-out lying was totally another level.

 

In the end I realized that if she can do that to the people who are closest to her and love her the most, then she is capable of doing *anything* to anyone.

 

So I wasn't willing to give her a chance to throw me under a bus again. The trust was *never* the same in our relationship again. Our relationship was never the same again. Prepare for this from your husband dryerase. When your husband finds out about your affair the old relationship you two had will be forever dead. After all, trust is the foundation of any relationship - (business or personal) - and if there is none, the relationship is doomed.

 

You may still miss your OM now, but the cost of your affair hasn't even begun. Wait until the reality of your affair hits home - your home - that's when the true cost of a few moments of stolen passion with OM takes it's real toll.

 

Good luck. You'll need it.

Edited May 18, 2011 by YellowShark

[JaneyAmazed]

I really appreciate all your replies. I have read them all over twice just now. I don't feel sorry for myself, I blame myself for all of this. It is just very helpful to hear all of your words as I try to lift this "fog". I am definitely not out of it, but I think with each passing day, it gets a little better. There are times when I feel set back and missing the OM, as I was experiencing when I wrote earlier today. I am so glad I found this forum. Have been reading on this forum and elsewhere, and it is helping me see the light gradually. I will be telling my husband this weekend.

 

Will continue to read your replies if I am "withdrawing" again. Thank you all again.

 

You will be fine. I wish I could give you a big ole hug. Support from people who want what's best for you is priceless! Simply priceless! You can do this, and you don't have do it alone. Things are foggy now, and that's normal. You are figuring things out. Remember that feelings are not right or wrong - it's what we choose to do with those feelings. Right now, staying NC may be the hardest thing in the world, but you will reap it's benefits no matter how your marriage turns out. Staying connected with OM will rob you of the possibility of a new relationship with your husband. You will be fine. The walls we hit in life are opportunities to make a better life for ourselves. I have faith in you and I don't even know you!

[Mansman]

I dont think you should not tell your husband. I think it's very risky in that it will definitely cause a great deal of suffering and mainly serve to alleviate your guilt. You must however no longer contact this man and should probably look for another job.

[Mansman]

My mistake: you should not tell him.

[What_Next]

You are telling your husband this weekend? That is fantastic news. It really is. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but in the long run it will be.

 

I do wish you the best, I really do. I hope your marriage survives. Even if it doesn't you have turned a corner. You will soon be free of the secret you are carrying with you.

 

Give your husband time to heal, give him the chance to make the decision for himself with complete knowledge.

[nyrias]

I disagree that getting divorced is not the right path for your children, because you sound woefully selfish and immature.

 

A divorce will free your husband to try to find someone who will actually make a good spouse and honorable step mother to your kids. Your husband needs to "clean house."

 

Of course that's just my opinion, your husband probably loves you and may be willing to give you a second chance. But if so, that's his call, not yours.

 

I agree it is his call. However, i disagree that getting divorce is the right path.

 

You sounds like there are plenty of "good spouse & honorable step mom" out there for the picking. Statistics show that it is a crap shoot at best to find someone who would not cheat, and that it is even harder to identify a non-cheater without being in a relationship (when it is too late).

 

Secondly, there is plenty of child development literature suggesting that a strong bond with a primary care giver (in this case, the mom) is a good thing. The breaking of such bond (or weakening) and the establishment of another (i.e. the step-mom) is sub-optimal.

 

It is also not clear that the step-mom will be a superior primary care giver, even if she is more "honorable".

[ladydesigner]

I agree it is his call. However, i disagree that getting divorce is the right path.

 

You sounds like there are plenty of "good spouse & honorable step mom" out there for the picking. Statistics show that it is a crap shoot at best to find someone who would not cheat, and that it is even harder to identify a non-cheater without being in a relationship (when it is too late).

 

Secondly, there is plenty of child development literature suggesting that a strong bond with a primary care giver (in this case, the mom) is a good thing. The breaking of such bond (or weakening) and the establishment of another (i.e. the step-mom) is sub-optimal.

 

It is also not clear that the step-mom will be a superior primary care giver, even if she is more "honorable".

 

Agree with this post

[bestplayer]

I agree it is his call. However, i disagree that getting divorce is the right path.

 

You sounds like there are plenty of "good spouse & honorable step mom" out there for the picking. Statistics show that it is a crap shoot at best to find someone who would not cheat, and that it is even harder to identify a non-cheater without being in a relationship (when it is too late).

 

Secondly, there is plenty of child development literature suggesting that a strong bond with a primary care giver (in this case, the mom) is a good thing. The breaking of such bond (or weakening) and the establishment of another (i.e. the step-mom) is sub-optimal.

 

It is also not clear that the step-mom will be a superior primary care giver, even if she is more "honorable".

 

I think in this board needs a little less harsher attitude is desired towards cheaters who land up here by mistake expecting some support . I mean ,giving tough love is ok , but some posters are simply ridiculously angry which only drives them away.

[Universe]

I was in a very similar position almost a year ago. I confessed about the affair and it created so much upheaval that all I could focus on was reconciling and saving my relationship. My feelings for the OW were still there and it made it difficult to deal. But the OW went deep into the background as I focused on repairing my relationship.

Now about 9 months after the confession my relationship has recovered beautifully. But I'm now experiencing some latent repressed feelings about the OW. It's still hard, but I feel equipped to deal with it.

[JaneyAmazed]

I was in a very similar position almost a year ago. I confessed about the affair and it created so much upheaval that all I could focus on was reconciling and saving my relationship. My feelings for the OW were still there and it made it difficult to deal. But the OW went deep into the background as I focused on repairing my relationship.

Now about 9 months after the confession my relationship has recovered beautifully. But I'm now experiencing some latent repressed feelings about the OW. It's still hard, but I feel equipped to deal with it.

 

 

This sounds familiar. All I could focus on at first was reconciling and saving my marriage. I remember xOM being way in the back of my mind. That's the nature of affairs. Once those feelings are repressed, they come back one way or another. Now I just deal with them as they come. My couselor suggested keeping a journal to get those feelings out and then moving on with my day. With each day that passes, I do give myself a pat on the back for staying faithful and strong. It's weird though how something will just trigger a memory of xOM and a shot of pain goes right to my heart. Last week I was at the beach with my mom. There a band singing at the hotel I was at. I could hear it from my room. All of the sudden the guy started singing "Ain't no Sunshine When She's Gone." I had not heard that song since xOM sent it to me right after we first met. The tears started falling. Luckily I was by myself at the moment. I gave myself that moment to grieve. I prayed, and then the song was over...and I sent my husband a text to him I love him. I took my mind off xOM and onto my husband. You're right, it is hard...but we can deal with it. As time goes by, we will get better and better at dealing with it.

[dryerase]

Thank you for your replies. I have been in such a weird place in the past few months. When I have been with the OM, I miss my husband and family. When I am with my family, I miss the OM. So now that I've ended the affair, I am of course missing the OM, which then gets my mind going, should I have gotten a divorce to be with the OM? But then I know I would have deep and serious regrets about my husband and family.

 

It is all so profoundly messed up; I wish I had never placed myself in this situation. I feel better knowing that these feelings of longing for the OM are normal and not necessarily a sign that I should have been with him. I need to learn to focus on other things when thoughts of the OM come into my head.

 

Thank you; the words of encouragement help me so much when I'm feeling down!

[redtail]

...

So now that I've ended the affair, I am of course missing the OM, which then gets my mind going, should I have gotten a divorce to be with the OM? ...

 

You came here to get advice and help, please be aware that you will most likely not get an answer that you want, but you have received a lot of advice that you need.

 

You have not let go, I think you know this and are dancing around the subject of the OM like he's still an option. As long as this thought remains, you will not move forward in ending the affair. The affair is over when the OM is absolutely not an option.

 

I know there are harsh sounding responses but remember, most of the people here, myself included, have been on the receiving end. So, we've been there, you haven't. When (not if) you tell your husband, the reality of your actions will become more clear. The pain of a cheating spouse, as others have mentioned, is second only to losing a child. It really hurts.

 

Reconciliation and saving the marriage is, in my opinion, rare. Yes, there are those few that have done it and come out the other side by mending the trust and integrity. But (others may disagree) don't count on it unless you commit 1000% and even then, your husband has to take a huge leap of faith and accept you are sincere.

 

I wish you luck, it's a tough path from here.

[2sure]

A break up with a married affair partner is no different than a break up with anyone else in most ways. You miss them, you move on, you still think about them sometimes. There is no quick fix for a heartbreak or a heart ache.

 

For the person who didnt want to end a relationship or the person forced to end it...its particularly difficult because you are in a position of having to let go while you still have strong feelings so the letting go process hasnt even started yet - as it so often does when a "regular" relationship spirals to close.

[bestplayer]

Thank you for your replies. I have been in such a weird place in the past few months. When I have been with the OM, I miss my husband and family. When I am with my family, I miss the OM. So now that I've ended the affair, I am of course missing the OM, which then gets my mind going, should I have gotten a divorce to be with the OM? But then I know I would have deep and serious regrets about my husband and family.

 

It is all so profoundly messed up; I wish I had never placed myself in this situation. I feel better knowing that these feelings of longing for the OM are normal and not necessarily a sign that I should have been with him. I need to learn to focus on other things when thoughts of the OM come into my head.

 

Thank you; the words of encouragement help me so much when I'm feeling down!

It seems you miss your H & OM both . Is there any way you can convince your H & OM for a 3some?

[Bittersweetie]

To answer your question, yes, you will stop thinking about your OM. After my xOM stopped talking to me, I still thought about him a ton. A few months later when D-day happened, I still thought about xOM a lot. I finally realized that the reason I was thinking about xOM so much was to escape thinking about my actual real life and the mess I had made of it...not because he was particularly special or anything. Once I realized that, it made it easier for me to cut him off in my thoughts. Now it's about a year and a half later and he rarely pops in my head, and when he does it's like, buh-bye.

 

As for telling your H...my affair ended and my H hadn't known. I actually struggled with whether to tell him or not, but I didn't, basically because I was a coward. There were other, minor reasons, but that was the main one. And then he found out anyway. So from my experience, and reading here and elsewhere, it seems the spouse finds out...whether it's immediately or years down the line. And I think while it's still just as hard and painful, it's better if the news comes from you. It's one small step toward getting your integrity back after making such a terrible choice.