Will I eventually stop thinking about the OM?

[John Michael Kane]

Sorry but as a parent I don't buy this for a minute. Children are extremely sensitive to what is going on between the parents. At least my kids are, and I have no reason to believe my kids are particularly sensitive or unusual in this regard.

 

Also if you or your h are out galavanting with your affair partners that is that much less time and emotional energy you have to devote to your family--including your children. So yes it did affect your children, both affairs did.

 

 

 

 

Oh OK it did affect them. You had fights about your affairs. But it affected them even when you weren't actively fighting because kids can obviously sense if there is a "cold war" atmosphere going on in the house, if there is a lack of love between their parents.

 

 

 

 

 

I guess you don't see any possible parallel here between your own affair-impacted upbringing, your kids', and your contention that in neither case it impacted the parenting.

 

 

 

 

I think just because the cheater happens to be your mother doesn't insulate them from consequences of their actions which would include less respect from others.

 

 

 

 

So it's your father's fault that your husband cheated on you? Sorry but if you were an adult when you got married you have to take the responsibility for that choice.

 

 

 

Your mother probably believed the same thing that you do. Have you ever talked to her about how she felt her infidelity affected your upbringing?

 

I am curious as to why parents who cheated, their children end up cheating too? Must be in the genes.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry but as a parent I don't buy this for a minute. Children are extremely sensitive to what is going on between the parents. At least my kids are, and I have no reason to believe my kids are particularly sensitive or unusual in this regard.

 

Also if you or your h are out galavanting with your affair partners that is that much less time and emotional energy you have to devote to your family--including your children. So yes it did affect your children, both affairs did.

 

I did not galavant, my H most likely was. I was completely dellusional and irrational.

 

 

Oh OK it did affect them. You had fights about your affairs. But it affected them even when you weren't actively fighting because kids can obviously sense if there is a "cold war" atmosphere going on in the house, if there is a lack of love between their parents.

 

Yes you are correct here the house did feel like a cold war during that time.

 

 

 

 

I guess you don't see any possible parallel here between your own affair-impacted upbringing, your kids', and your contention that in neither case it impacted the parenting.

 

I do see the parallel. I guess our parenting was the best it could be at that time. I never neglected my kids of love or attention. All their needs wre met. The tension in the house towards their father yes that was apparent.

 

 

 

I think just because the cheater happens to be your mother doesn't insulate them from consequences of their actions which would include less respect from others.

 

She has received less respect from others.

 

 

So it's your father's fault that your husband cheated on you? Sorry but if you were an adult when you got married you have to take the responsibility for that choice.

 

I understand that. I take full responsibility for my decisions. I do feel it colored my decisions though.

 

Your mother probably believed the same thing that you do. Have you ever talked to her about how she felt her infidelity affected your upbringing?

 

No we have never discussed this.

 

 

 

Ok Garrgoil I understand your points. Then if I am deemed a bad parent, ok you have made your point. I hope my children are not badly affected and if they are then yes my H and I are to blame. I am not proud of any of it.

[ladydesigner]

I doubt it's genetic.

 

It sounds like what's happening is that the little child is probably in complete denial for self-protection purposes. No kid wants to believe that mommy or daddy is "bad." If I worship my mommy or daddy, as every kid starts out doing, and mommy or daddy is a cheater, then obviously cheating must not be such a bad thing for a parent to do.

 

At least that is how I think a small child would unconsciously digest it.

 

Yes Garrgoil I do believe I was in complete denial over my mothers A's. I did not want to see my mother as bad so my thinking was not so black and white. I am really not sure why I thought this way, it something for me to explore further in my IC. One thing I knew was that I did not like my parents fighting and did worry quite a bit about them divorcing. This was a direct effect of my mother's infidelity. It is also a direct effect my own children have experienced. I do see a parallel in this. It was hard for me to look at and accept.

[y2k]

Basically everyone claiming that having cheaters for parents doesn't affect the children in any way, seem to be children of cheater(s), who themselves ended up cheating and/or marrying abusive losers, or both.

 

I can't speak for others, but as I mentioned, my father cheated, left my mother, but he did not leave ME. I felt bad for my mother but she's beyond strong. Reality was they didn't really love each other. She was able to date and be happy without depending on a man. My dad married his OW and they're happy.

 

Yet I'm not a cheater, nor would I marry or be an abuser. If I was married and I didn't feel love for my wife, I would do the honest thing and leave her. I wouldn't try cheating. I wouldn't stay in a loveless/un-happy marriage/relationship either, but I wouldn't pursue anything until I ended my marriage/relationship first.

 

Remember, even sociology doesn't consider the family "mommy, daddy, and kids all under one roof" anymore.

 

I think the best conclusion is that every case is different. My parents, from the beginning of life, communicated to me very well. They still do today.

[dale_gribble]

WOW! Here is a vitual 2x4- You're on e sick puppy. You really need some professional help. Get it soon.

[Kriss]

Dale that's pretty harsh.

[dale_gribble]

Not as harsh as some others have been laying it to her(sorry, another pun).

 

... and you STILL work with him? This is not acceptable at all. Once your husband becomes aware, and knows you work with OP- He's definitely gonna tell you to "get the **** out," or reconcile and quit ASAP. That's why you can't get over this douche-bag: you still share close quarters with him. Are you really that gullible; or just playing the part.

[dale_gribble]

"he has said ("I will never ever cheat on you")," but yet he is party to infidelity- How does that work out?

[dryerase]

Thank you again, especially 29C for your post. I've copied and pasted your code of ethics into my email, I liked it so much.

[dale_gribble]

^Making a copy of it, and following through on it are two different things.

[rafallus]

I'm sure you will,

 

 

when you get another OM...

 

Where is your husband in all that mess?