Will I eventually stop thinking about the OM?

[TMCM]

As for telling your H...my affair ended and my H hadn't known. I actually struggled with whether to tell him or not, but I didn't, basically because I was a coward. There were other, minor reasons, but that was the main one. And then he found out anyway. So from my experience, and reading here and elsewhere, it seems the spouse finds out...whether it's immediately or years down the line. And I think while it's still just as hard and painful, it's better if the news comes from you. It's one small step toward getting your integrity back after making such a terrible choice.

 

Have you asked your H if he'd wished that you had told him instead of finding out by himself?

[Bittersweetie]

Have you asked your H if he'd wished that you had told him instead of finding out by himself?

 

Yes, he's told me. He said if I was that unhappy/confused/whatever that I was with someone else, he wished I could've told him and he would have made decisions based on the complete information. I've read others on the forum say the same thing...a BS should be able to make decisions based on all the facts.

[Bittersweetie]

This is not about your husband, your family, or your OM. It is totally about yourself. This is clearly the case because when you are with either one, you are unable to be happy. You attribute that to the absence of the other, but in reality, you are just an unhappy person. The reason for why you are unhappy is something you need to explore through therapy. You need to develop the capacity to be happy, period. With or without your husband, with or without the OM.

 

This is an excellent point. Each person needs to find happiness within themselves, not through others.

[y2k]

Hi - hoping for insight from those of you who have gone through this or are going through this.

 

I recently ended an affair to a man I loved (or believe I loved, sometimes I don't know because it seems like everyone believes they are in love "affair fog"). I am finding it hard not to think about him, especially because we work near each other (for the next few weeks only). I have already gone back to him a couple of times from missing him, and as soon as I do, I realize after a couple of days that getting divorced is not what I want for my children, and I regret it. However, when I miss him, I wonder whether I should have just been together with him (even though I know in my gut and my mind that this would not be a good choice for so many reasons). I am sick of being so wishy-washy in my head!

 

I am trying hard to avoid the same mistake and sticking with NC (or almost NC since we work at the same place). I am doing everything I can for my family. Some will ask, and I have not told my husband yet, because I just cannot deal with this affair withdrawal and my husband's wrath together at the same time. I will tell him when I feel a bit stronger. So I sort of have no one I can talk to about this at the present time and who can help me get through this.

 

I guess I am just hoping for support from others who know about this or who have gotten over it themselves, that eventually this will get better and life will feel normal without the OM. I have never been on drugs, but I feel like I know what being a drug addict is like now because I am majorly withdrawing!

 

Thank you!

 

I think you should separate and divorce your husband because you clearly don't love him. Allow your husband to find another woman that will love him and want to be with him. The only feeling you are having that forces you to be with your husband is "obligation". That is not healthy. You need to have a partner that you WANT to be with because of him/her, not because you're forced to.

 

I understand you have children, but what does that change??? Their father is still their father REGARDLESS of whether you're his wife, or someone else is. You are still the mother of the children REGARDLESS of whether you're with your husband, or you're with another man who makes you legitimately happy. If you speak and explain to your children maturely that you don't feel happy with your current husband, they will understand. I would only want the best for my mother. When she was un-happy with my father, I was the first to tell her to leave him. I was 11 at the time. If you are in a household where you are un-happy, it's not healthy for anyone. Find happiness.

 

Maybe your OM is your true love. Maybe not. I think you should find out. I also think it's fair to your current husband that you leave him so that he can find a woman that will love him and WANT to be with him. You should feel bad that you lied in cheating, BUT you shouldn't feel bad that you love another man. Consider all my advice. Good luck.

[dryerase]

I have to say thank you again for all the advice. Some of it really struck a chord, especially Bittersweetie, what you said about the OM being an escape. I hadn't thought about things that way. The OM definitely has faults, and I wish I had the energy to share them. I find myself trying to ignore them because in the end, he "loves" me and wants to be together with me, so why should I think about his faults. And I agree, there must be something that I'm trying to fill, since I'm not achieving true happiness anywhere.

 

While I constantly think about committing to the OM, I don't know that it is something I can really do because if I spend 50% of my time with my kids for the rest of their childhood due to divorce without even giving my marriage a chance, I don't know that I will ever forgive myself. I am trying to think big picture now. I only wish I had done that before the affair happened.

[y2k]

While I constantly think about committing to the OM, I don't know that it is something I can really do because if I spend 50% of my time with my kids for the rest of their childhood due to divorce without even giving my marriage a chance

 

Since you're the mother, if you did divorce, you'd probably have custody with the kids, and will probably have most control over them. Of course it is always fair to make a deal with their father after you've won custody. But just because you're married to another person, or even single and dating, doesn't mean your only going to spend only "50%" of your time with you kids. You're still the mommy, and your still going to have the majority of your time (more the 50%) to devote to them.

 

Your "marriage" has nothing to do with your relationship with your children. Your relationship with your children is one of a mother, and that doesn't change if you're single or with someone else.

 

Just my two cents. Ponder on this.

[TMCM]

What he does with you he can do to you. Have you thought about that?

[y2k]

What he does with you he can do to you. Have you thought about that?

 

That's true. But maybe they love each other.

 

I don't condone the fact that married people may fall in love with other people. It's nothing wrong. But I condone the lying. If a married person has feelings for someone and wishes to explore them, then the married person should leave their spouse and pursue it. Just because you marry someone, doesn't mean that "someone" is the real love of your life. That's why there exist people who've married more than once. Humans live on average about 75 years. To think that EVERYONE will find true love by their late 20' to mid-early 30's is not realistic. In some cases yes, it happens. But in many it's not the case. This is why I prefer marriage to be based on HONESTY rather than commitment. Honesty should be the obligation in a marriage, NOT commitment. Commitment must come MUTUALLY, by nature, not by "obligation".

 

With all that being said, we don't know if this A is true love or not. I don't even think the original poster knows. I just personally think she should find out. We can already conclude that she doesn't love her current husband.

 

The logic you use is correct, that whatever he does WITH her, he can do AGAINST her. But the possibility exists that maybe he's her true love. Maybe not. Take all this for pondering.

[y2k]

Don't pretend you care about your children because if you did care about them you wouldn't be handling your life in this manner. Caring about your children means forgetting about the OM and trying to fix your marriage--and if you can't, get divorced and start clean with someone new.

 

I agree with everything minus this.

 

A marriage and the children are two separate things. This woman is the mother of her children whether she's married to her current husband, with someone else, or if she's single. Same with the father.

 

If you're going to try to "fix the marriage" (IMO nothing can be fixed after cheating), then do it for you and what your heart feels (love). Trying to fix a marriage only "for the children" is a disaster waiting to happen.

 

From what we've read, we can't conclude whether or not this woman cares for her children. We CAN conclude that she's not a good wife to her current husband, but we can't make conclusions of the relationship she has with her children as a mother.

[John Michael Kane]

That's true. But maybe they love each other.

 

No they don't.

 

I don't condone the fact that married people may fall in love with other people. It's nothing wrong.

 

Yea you do. They don't fall in love with other people. It doesn't just happen and it's nothing but infatuation.

 

But I condone the lying. If a married person has feelings for someone and wishes to explore them, then the married person should leave their spouse and pursue it.

 

Exactly. If their spouse wishes to be a cold hearted tramp then they should divorce them then have their little 15 minute orgasm with someone else. They'll feel stupid after they do it too.

 

Just because you marry someone, doesn't mean that "someone" is the real love of your life.

 

Nor does that validate someone cheating. I don't marry someone so they can see if they can screw someone else. That's the problem these days with folks.

 

That's why there exist people who've married more than once. Humans live on average about 75 years. To think that EVERYONE will find true love by their late 20' to mid-early 30's is not realistic. In some cases yes, it happens. But in many it's not the case.

 

Now you're just ranting off about irrelevant stereotypes.

 

This is why I prefer marriage to be based on HONESTY rather than commitment. Honesty should be the obligation in a marriage, NOT commitment. Commitment must come MUTUALLY, by nature, not by "obligation".

 

There needs to be honesty and commitment and both are necessities in a marriage. Being honest to your spouse about something does not absolve you of any responsibilities within the marriage. That's another problem: People are lazy and don't want to put in the work, but when they see hot tottie at work they'll have a 2 year affair with them, claiming "love".

 

With all that being said, we don't know if this A is true love or not.

 

Yea we do, unlike somebody. We have enough experience to see what this is.

 

I don't even think the original poster knows. I just personally think she should find out. We can already conclude that she doesn't love her current husband.

 

Yea she should find out. Go ahead. Might as well keep screwing him.

 

The logic you use is correct, that whatever he does WITH her, he can do AGAINST her.

 

It's not a logic, it is a fact. Anyone who engages in covert behavior with someone runs the risk of getting screwed over.

 

But the possibility exists that maybe he's her true love. Maybe not. Take all this for pondering.

 

There's no possibility about it. She keeps thinking about him because she chooses to, and she's selfish. It's just another case of someone who doesn't care about her marriage and family. Not some romanticized crap about "true love with sunset and riding off in the hills nakedly".

[TMCM]

The OM definitely has faults, and I wish I had the energy to share them. I find myself trying to ignore them because in the end, he "loves" me and wants to be together with me, so why should I think about his faults.

 

Here's a fact that you should tell yourself every time you think of the OM: The OM didn't - and still doesn't - give a crap about the well being of my children and then ask yourself, "Could I be so blind to love a man who doesn't care about the well being of my children? What does that say about me?". Do it often enough and eventually you'll be repulsed by the slightest thought of that poor excuse of a man.

Edited May 22, 2011 by TMCM
eta

[y2k]

Here's a fact that you should tell yourself every time you think of the OM: The OM didn't - and still doesn't - give a crap about the well being of my children and then ask yourself, "Could I be so blind to love a man who doesn't care about the well being of my children? What does that say about me?". Do it often enough and eventually you'll be repulsed by the slightest thought of that poor excuse of a man.

 

I don't see how we can conclude this.

 

This woman's love life and her life as a mother are two different things. I personally doubt we can make this conclusion.

[John Michael Kane]

I don't see how we can conclude this.

 

This woman's love life and her life as a mother are two different things. I personally doubt we can make this conclusion.

 

No they are not two different things; affairs are not a part of a legitimate love life. Her current behavior right now shows she's not being a true parent nor a wife for that matter.

[y2k]

No they are not two different things; affairs are not a part of a legitimate love life. Her current behavior right now shows she's not being a true parent nor a wife for that matter.

 

As much as I'm not condoning her basically lying to her H by having an A, I will contend that the children have nothing to do with it.

 

What does the love life (or lust life) of a mother or father have to do with the relationship a person has to their children as a parent????

 

Just because a woman is with children, doesn't mean she's forced to only be with the man who gave her those children. If she's not in love with her H, she should find either love or lust elsewhere. But she should have done it honestly by first separating with the H BEFORE doing anything.

 

All this has nothing to do with her parenting. Don't give me the boloney that she has to stay in an unfulfilling marriage for her children. Whether she's with her current H, with another man, or single, she's still a mother, and from the information we gaining in this thread, we cannot make a conclusion about her parenting.

 

A person can be a TERRIBLE Husband or wife and still be a great parent. Those are two distinct things.

[TMCM]

I don't see how we can conclude this.

 

This woman's love life and her life as a mother are two different things. I personally doubt we can make this conclusion.

 

Before I married my second wife, I made damn sure that any woman I was considering to have a committed relationship with, had to be a compassionate and kind woman who loved children. I would NEVER, I repeat NEVER, have anything to do with any woman who cared nothing for my daughters.

 

Bittersweetie's OM does not care one iota for her children. THAT IS A FACT. Both of them are destroying a family and the emotional devastation the children will endure is horrific.

 

You have NO experience what it is to be a betrayed husband whose children had to go through psychological counseling for the damage that their mother and her lovers inflicted on them. Unfortunately I have:mad:

Edited May 23, 2011 by TMCM
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[dryerase]

I have had these same thoughts about the OM. Does he really care for my kids that he wants me to leave my family? How much is he committed to the concept of family, if he can participate in breaking one up (I know I am also half to blame here)? Or would he only be committed to his own family but not care about others?

 

I asked him the first question about my kids. His response is always that of course he cares about them, but he believes that they can still be really happy with me, him as their stepfather, my husband (in another house) as their father. He said that we could provide them a great life and that after an initial difficult adjustment, they would become used to the new arrangement and learn to like it also.

 

I of course was not so convinced about this. And after much thought about it, I still could not convince myself about it, and I ended the affair. I wonder now if what he said was sincere, if he thought it was sincere but didn't know what he was really talking about, or if he was just trying to convince me of something to get what he wanted. I really don't think he was just after sex. I am sure he enjoyed that aspect, but this was very much an emotional affair too, and I believe that for some portion of the time of our affair, I knew him better than anyone.

 

I guess what you're all saying (except y2k) is that under no circumstances can an AP of a MW with kids care about those children? I am actually asking, as I don't know the answer to this question.

[y2k]

Before I married my second wife, I made damn sure that any woman I was considering to have a committed relationship with, had to be a compassionate and kind woman who loved children. I would NEVER, I repeat NEVER, have anything to do with any woman who cared nothing for my daughters.

 

Great. I hope you're both happy.

 

Bittersweetie's OM does not care one iota for her children. THAT IS A FACT. Both of them are destroying a family and the emotional devastation the children will endure is horrific.

 

If one of the married people falls out of love with their spouse, there is no marriage or "family" anymore in the original sense, with or without cheating. We don't know what the children will really endure because none of us know them personally. But from my personal experience, if the children are mature and if their parents are REAL parents who know how to communicate with their children, then chances are there won't be any emotional devastation.

 

It all goes back to the relationship as a parent both the father and mother individually has with their children.

 

You have NO experience what it is to be a betrayed husband whose children had to go through psychological counseling for the damage that their mother and her lovers inflicted on them. Unfortunately I have:mad:

 

You're right in that I haven't been a husband whose wife cheated on him and had children who needed therapy, etc, but I was a child who's father cheated on his mother. I have mentioned my father was not a good husband to my mother, BUT he was a great father to me.

 

Was I upset that my father cheated on my mother???, yes. The reason I was upset was NOT BECAUSE my father was no longer in love with my mother and was moving in with another woman, but because he lied to her. I would be upset of anyone lied to either one of my parents. I was there for my mother, and she immediately divorced him (the right thing to do) and found love elsewhere. My father married his lover. I ended up being happy for both of them. I'm glad my dad found his current wife. He's happy. I'm glad my mother got to get out and date. After a few boyfriends, she's got a steady one right now. I couldn't be happier for the both of them.

 

I still don't like that my father lied to her. I would have preferred he divorced her, or at least separated from her, before pursuing his OW. But because both of them individually, from the start, were great communicators to me from the beginning of life, I was mature enough to see what happened, and I wasn't affected by it at all. When I saw both my parents legitimately happy, I was happy too.

 

If my dad had not married this other woman and had he become a man-whore, as long as he was happy, I'd be happy too. Of course in such a case, I wouldn't want him with my mother, but she's got enough of a self-esteem to never accept cheating. As I mentioned, she quickly got back up on her feet. I only looked out for the happiness of both of them. From the beginning, I never saw his cheating as a betrayal of my dad to me, because it wasn't. It had nothing to do with me, and I knew that from the start thanks to the great parenting of both my parents.

 

Sure sucked to see my mother upset my dad had a lover. But both of them were already out of love with each other at that point (it was obvious), and she showed class by wishing him well, NOT being weak by "fighting for him" or any of that boloney, and she found another.

 

But then again, every person is different. This was just my experience.

[y2k]

I guess what you're all saying (except y2k) is that under no circumstances can an AP of a MW with kids care about those children? I am actually asking, as I don't know the answer to this question.

 

Read my experience as a child above^^^

 

It can turn out great. But there also exists the possibility it turns out bad.

 

I just believe that you shouldn't listen to those that say "stay in a marriage you don't want to be in because of your children" because those people are also not considering your happiness. If you're happy, your kids will be happy as well. As long as you personally are a great mother (and a great communicator) to your kids, they'll be fine.

 

My advice is that you should divorce your husband REGARDLESS because you don't love him. Whether or not you get with this OM or not is irrelevant, you should divorce your husband. Then while being a single mom, you could date someone (either the OM or someone else). From there, it's up to you to get the know the guy. You'll have to test him big time. He doesn't have to be a father to your children, but he has to get along with them naturally.

 

Remember you are a mother first, but it doesn't stop you from finding happiness in your life. A legitimately happy you, could result in happy children. But of course, communication is necessary.

 

Also try not to cheat again. If you are in any relationship and you no longer want to be in it, don't cheat. Leave first, then go do what you gotta do.

[TMCM]

I asked him the first question about my kids. His response is always that of course he cares about them, but he believes that they can still be really happy with me, him as their stepfather, my husband (in another house) as their father. He said that we could provide them a great life and that after an initial difficult adjustment, they would become used to the new arrangement and learn to like it also.

 

I of course was not so convinced about this. And after much thought about it, I still could not convince myself about it, and I ended the affair. I wonder now if what he said was sincere, if he thought it was sincere but didn't know what he was really talking about, or if he was just trying to convince me of something to get what he wanted. I really don't think he was just after sex. I am sure he enjoyed that aspect, but this was very much an emotional affair too, and I believe that for some portion of the time of our affair, I knew him better than anyone.

 

I guess what you're all saying (except y2k) is that under no circumstances can an AP of a MW with kids care about those children? I am actually asking, as I don't know the answer to this question.

 

Why don't you try to put yourself in your children's shoes for a minute and imagine that your father moved out and that shortly afterwards a strange man moved into your home. You watch this man and your mother every night go inside the bedroom that she and your father used to share. You see them hugging and kissing passionately. Be honest, how would you feel?

 

Furthermore, if you and the OM were to try to formalize your relationship, there would always be some distrust between the two of you. Why? because both of you justified marital betrayal under the pretense of falling in love. If later on he once again ends up falling in love with another woman, why shouldn't he use the same justification to dump you for her?

 

If your marriage is no longer viable then end it but don't do it because you want to believe the dubious promises of a man who has no honor to begin with.

Edited May 23, 2011 by TMCM
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[TMCM]

Bittersweetie's OM does not care one iota for her children. THAT IS A FACT. Both of them are destroying a family and the emotional devastation the children will endure is horrific.

 

DOH! I meant dryerase NOT Bittersweetie.

 

Scusi. Mille regretti:p

Edited May 23, 2011 by TMCM
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[y2k]

Why don't you try to put yourself in your children's shoes for a minute and imagine that your father moved out and that shortly afterwards a strange man moved into your home. You watch this man and your mother every night go inside the bedroom that she and your father used to share. You see them hugging and kissing passionately. Be honest, how would you feel?

 

If the kids were mature and looked for the happiness of their mother, they should feel happy for her for finding someone she could very well be in love with.

 

Plus who's to say that she marries another person right away?? I would think she would date for significant time, testing any man big time, and really get to know another guy before the idea of marriage again.

 

We can conclude that she doesn't love her current husband. Why force her to be un-happy in that aspect and stay??? That's wrong too. Not to say that her cheating was right. She should have left her husband before pursuing someone else.

 

But if she has feelings, I say she's in every right to go explore them. But she should leave the husband first.

 

Furthermore, if you and the OM were to try to formalize your relationship, there would always be some distrust between the two of you. Why? because both of you justified marital betrayal under the pretense of falling in love. If later on he once again ends up falling in love with another woman, why shouldn't he use the same justification to dump you for her?

 

This is legit, but again, what makes you think she'll only go for this current OM??? Maybe she can get divorced and find a better guy.

 

But if she did go with the OM, then this is legit. He can do to you what you guys did together. That I agree on.

 

If your marriage is no longer viable then end it but don't do it because you want to believe the dubious promises of a man who has no honor to begin with.

 

I say she should end her marriage for herself and for HONESTY. Not only for the OM. If she divorces and the OM and her get together and live a great life, then great. If she gets divorced and the OM wasn't all that she thought she was, then she can find another guy somewhere. I think we agree here.

[TMCM]

Y2K,

 

You still think the OM is a viable partner for dryerase? Check out this post from dryerase, OM's girlfriend's lingerie on the floor , and then tell me if you consider him an honorable man worthy of being a step-father to dryerase's children.

[y2k]

Y2K,

 

You still think the OM is a viable partner for dryerase? Check out this post from dryerase, OM's girlfriend's lingerie on the floor , and then tell me if you consider him an honorable man worthy of being a step-father to dryerase's children.

 

You're not reading my post carefully. I'm not telling her to go after the OM.

 

I'm telling her to divorce her husband and find happiness elsewhere. If she happens to decide on this particular OM, then so be it. Personally I think it's a bad idea for her to go with this particular OM, but I would love for her to make her own choice, NOT to be chained down by "obligation" if it's not necessary.

 

She's not in love with her husband. That's ground enough for her to leave him and find another man that is in love with her and her in love with him.

 

And just because she gets ANY man, does not mean that that particular man has to be the "step-father" of the children. They have to at least get along if she got married again. But the kids have a father already. That's the whole point I wanted to make. The parents are still parents to their kids REGARDLESS of other things.

 

Please read my posts more carefully.

[TMCM]

I'm telling her to divorce her husband and find happiness elsewhere

 

That's the core issue with many unfaithful spouses, they keep chasing futilely for happiness via a series of failed relationships.

 

Happiness is not something one finds 'elsewhere' but something one finds inside oneself.

 

dryerase should tell her husband so that he can also have all the information to chose for himself whether he wants to stay married to her or divorce her and move on with his life.

[y2k]

That's the core issue with many unfaithful spouses, they keep chasing futilely for happiness via a series of failed relationships.

 

Happiness is not something one finds 'elsewhere' but something one finds inside oneself.

 

I'll agree. One must be happy from the inside. But if your relationship, whether it be a married one or a dating one, is not fulfilling, then it must end.

 

dryerase should tell her husband so that he can also have all the information to chose for himself whether he wants to stay married to her or divorce her and move on with his life.

 

She should tell her husband and she should leave him regardless of what he feels. She doesn't love him. It's logical. If she loved him, the idea of cheating wouldn't even have come to her head.

 

Being single, maybe she can find happiness within herself, and on the road there, she could find someone special. But by logic, this current marriage shouldn't continue.

 

It's the 21st century. Divorces happen, and in MANY cases, it's GOOD that they happen.