Will I eventually stop thinking about the OM?

[jnj express]

Hey dry---you have NEVER SHARED ONE MOMENT OF REALITY with your lover-----You only share whispered nothings, and you play at sneaking around, and doing deceitful things to be with each other----the 2 of you lie, and cheat that is your reality

 

Reality, is cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, taking care of family sickness, hauling kids around, scheduling your life when there is not enuff time, dealing with car problems, emergencies, house repairs, not enuff money----that is reality---even more, maybe your H. snores, or you don't like the way he chews his food, or drinks to much, or reads the paper while eating---those are realities

 

WHAT REALITIES DO YOU HAVE WITH YOUR LOVER??????

 

What was so bad about your mge., that you had to disrespect your H., and put your children's future at risk---what was so bad about your mge, that you had to have your A., and now can't really devote yourself truly to anyone

 

You know you are nothing but a dupe, you are getting conned, and you know it---your lowlife lover, doesn't want the responsibility of your kids---he whispers what he knows will get you to spread your legs for him---am I not right???????---If I am wrong, prove me wrong!!!!!!!

 

How much actual time have you forcefully spent working on your marital problems, cuz obviously something is wrong for you to have run to your scum lover

 

Why would you think well of him at all---you know he is scum---he is aiding you in the future wreckage of your childrens lives----some kinda guy, right---WRONG

 

One stat. you need to know---97% of adulterous hook-ups FAIL

 

GOOD LUCK TO YOUR H., AND KIDS------THEY HAVE YOU TO LOOK FORWARD TOOOO---for the rest of their lives!!!!!!!!

[y2k]

Hey dry---you have NEVER SHARED ONE MOMENT OF REALITY with your lover-----You only share whispered nothings, and you play at sneaking around, and doing deceitful things to be with each other----the 2 of you lie, and cheat that is your reality

 

I agree.

 

Reality, is cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, taking care of family sickness, hauling kids around, scheduling your life when there is not enuff time, dealing with car problems, emergencies, house repairs, not enuff money----that is reality---even more, maybe your H. snores, or you don't like the way he chews his food, or drinks to much, or reads the paper while eating---those are realities

 

But I would also add that there is an element of reality when a woman (or a man) falls out of love with that husband. That same reality she can still live single or with someone else. She doesn't need her husband in order to actually live successfully in that reality. She doesn't love him. NOT to excuse the lying she basically did to her H though.

 

WHAT REALITIES DO YOU HAVE WITH YOUR LOVER??????

 

In her case, not much. But what realities do any two people live in before they create a life for each other......none.

 

What was so bad about your mge., that you had to disrespect your H., and put your children's future at risk

 

Again, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH HER CHILDREN???? I already challenged this notion in page 4 of this thread.

 

Though it was a huge disrespect to her H. If she was so out of love with him and wanted another, she should have ended the marriage, then go off to pursue whatnot.

 

---what was so bad about your mge, that you had to have your A., and now can't really devote yourself truly to anyone

 

NOT to defend her A, but she was out of love with her H. The fact that she fell in love with another is not wrong. The wrong was that she didn't end her marriage with her H before pursuing this.

 

You know you are nothing but a dupe, you are getting conned, and you know it---your lowlife lover,doesn't want the responsibility of your kids

 

In her particular case, her OM might be scum, yes. But the responsibility of the kids is with her. Again I challenged this "children" notion on page 4. I urge everyone to read it.

 

---he whispers what he knows will get you to spread your legs for him---am I not right???????---If I am wrong, prove me wrong!!!!!!!

 

That's 99.9% of guys on the planet earth . Although in this case about this particular OM, you may be right.

 

How much actual time have you forcefully spent working on your marital problems, cuz obviously something is wrong for you to have run to your scum lover

 

When a woman (or a man) falls out of love with their husband (or wife), there are no "marital problems" to fix. You can't fix feelings. If they loved each other and just had technical problems (i.e. can't share a house, bad habits, money issues, etc), then you can "work" on the marriage. But you can't "work" on feelings.

 

Not to say that she's in love with the OM. Also the OM doesn't seem like a good guy to me. But she still shouldn't stay with her H. She cheated already and she doesn't love her H. She needs to leave him. Not to say she should go running to the arms of the OM, but she should divorce ASAP.

 

Why would you think well of him at all---you know he is scum---he is aiding you in the future wreckage of your childrens lives----some kinda guy, right---WRONG

 

Again with the children??? This is an issue between her, the OM, and potentially the husband. The children have no place here!!!

 

In fact, this issue may even be more about her and herself.

 

The children excuse is used by men who are desperate to keep their un-happy wives in an un-happy marriages, or by women wanting to keep their husbands because the woman feels "security" with the husband, and doesn't want to lose it.

 

GOOD LUCK TO YOUR H., AND KIDS------THEY HAVE YOU TO LOOK FORWARD TOOOO---for the rest of their lives!!!!!!!!

 

She has to watch over the kids yes, but not her husband. That thing should be over.

[TMCM]

When a woman (or a man) falls out of love with their husband (or wife), there are no "marital problems" to fix. You can't fix feelings. If they loved each other and just had technical problems (i.e. can't share a house, bad habits, money issues, etc), then you can "work" on the marriage. But you can't "work" on feelings.

 

Feelings are transitory but the consequences on acting on them can be life altering. Basing our decisions on feelings will often come back to bite us in the a*s.

 

Proof is that many women come to this forum and others, panicking that their betrayed husbands have decided to file for divorce after they discover their affair. All of a sudden they state that they really love their husbands and don't want to lose them.

 

Not to say that she's in love with the OM. Also the OM doesn't seem like a good guy to me. But she still shouldn't stay with her H. She cheated already and she doesn't love her H. She needs to leave him. Not to say she should go running to the arms of the OM, but she should divorce ASAP.

 

I agree that she should divorce her husband. Marital recovery is excruciatingly painful for the betrayed spouse and it can take years before any semblance of trust can be restored.

 

But just read many of the stories of the unfaithful spouses - usually wives - who come to this forum and when given the advise to confess to their spouses the truth about their affair, they literally freak out.

 

Again with the children??? This is an issue between her, the OM, and potentially the husband. The children have no place here!!! In fact, this issue may even be more about her and herself.

 

Why does the OM get to decide? Why are you giving him rights over the future of children that are not his? He is the one who has no place here.

 

You show yourself as a healthy example of having successfully survived the dissolution of your parents marriage due to your father's infidelity. Yet the difference is that your father did not get rewarded with custody of you and your siblings. How would you have felt if the innocent party, your mother, had lost custody of all of you? Could you honestly say that the outcome would have been the same?

 

The children excuse is used by men who are desperate to keep their un-happy wives in an un-happy marriages, or by women wanting to keep their husbands because the woman feels "security" with the husband, and doesn't want to lose it.

 

That may be true for some but not all.

 

There are many women who finally wake up about how much of a boneheaded choice was to have an affair to begin with - the OM turned out to be a fraud -, and they are horrified about being the party solely responsible for the emotional upheaval brought to her children and husbands.

 

There are also many women who realized that even though their was sexual chemistry between themselves and their OM, the men they really want to spend the rest of their days with is their husbands.

 

Children don't live in a vacuum, what affects their parents often affect them as well. To say otherwise is ludicrous.

[dryerase]

I know you will not believe this, but I do love my husband. It is just that we had become friends more than anything else, and I believe I started my affair as a craving for more romantic affection. This was a huge mistake. In reading a lot through this forum and elsewhere, I believe I could have repaired this aspect of our marriage, because truly, my husband and I get along in almost every other realm of our marriage even to this day. I truly truly wish I had this insight before I began the affair.

 

I really do agree with everything TMCM says. I have felt very uneasy about my AP as a good man, and I couldn't put my kids through that risk. I think where I am still having difficulty is that for the past few months, the AP has tried to be the ideal man and extremely committed to me. Because of this and because of things he has said ("I will never ever cheat on you"), my mind is cloudy, and I am finding myself forgetting about things like him leaving lingerie on the floor or him texting an old girlfriend about a place they had gone to while we were together. I suppose when you are infatuated or want to believe in something, you forgive things that you should not, and you make excuses for people. Obviously, too, no one is all bad, and my AP does have some good qualities, too, which I probably have chosen to focus on more than I should.

 

I did end the affair to refocus on my kids and husband, but honestly, the confusion from all of this is overwhelming. I am on this forum to be beaten over the head and to learn from others, and I thank you all for helping me with your advice.

[John Michael Kane]

As much as I'm not condoning her basically lying to her H by having an A, I will contend that the children have nothing to do with it.

 

The children and her husband have everything to do with it.

 

What does the love life (or lust life) of a mother or father have to do with the relationship a person has to their children as a parent????

 

Because she is disrespecting her family, lying to them, putting them at risk, and spending precious time with some punk instead of being with her family and taking care of those kids.

 

Just because a woman is with children, doesn't mean she's forced to only be with the man who gave her those children.

 

No one is forcing her, just like nobody forced her to cheat.

 

If she's not in love with her H, she should find either love or lust elsewhere. But she should have done it honestly by first separating with the H BEFORE doing anything.

 

She should've divorced him before causing all of this trouble.

 

All this has nothing to do with her parenting.

 

Yes it does. It has everything to do with it.

 

Don't give me the boloney that she has to stay in an unfulfilling marriage for her children.

 

Whether it's baloney or turkey, you're going to eat it. Nobody said she had to stay in a marriage when all she's going to do is cheat and piss on it. Her needs are not the most important thing in the world.

 

Whether she's with her current H, with another man, or single, she's still a mother, and from the information we gaining in this thread, we cannot make a conclusion about her parenting.

 

Sorry cheaters are no good parents.

 

A person can be a TERRIBLE Husband or wife and still be a great parent. Those are two distinct things.

 

Nah sorry. That's like saying an assassin is a nice person. If you abuse your spouse and treat them like crap it's going to rub off on the kids intentionally, especially if the home is a hostile environment. You don't cheat for 3 years and still claim to love your kids because we know it is not true. You've been spending precious time with someone else's man, going out partying, and smoking weed instead of taking care of your kids to make sure they're safe.

[John Michael Kane]

Why don't you try to put yourself in your children's shoes for a minute and imagine that your father moved out and that shortly afterwards a strange man moved into your home. You watch this man and your mother every night go inside the bedroom that she and your father used to share. You see them hugging and kissing passionately. Be honest, how would you feel?

 

Furthermore, if you and the OM were to try to formalize your relationship, there would always be some distrust between the two of you. Why? because both of you justified marital betrayal under the pretense of falling in love. If later on he once again ends up falling in love with another woman, why shouldn't he use the same justification to dump you for her?

 

If your marriage is no longer viable then end it but don't do it because you want to believe the dubious promises of a man who has no honor to begin with.

 

That's some pretty twisted stuff her and OM talked about. "Learn to like it also".

[confusedinkansas]

From someone that's been there.....

 

I won't suggest you tell your husband in order for your marriage to move forward - because I don't believe that it's necessary.

 

The pain you feel right now - will continue unless you go total NC.

Seeing him is going to just keep ripping at your heart.

 

My situation - every time we'd talk, or see each other after the initial break up, just made the next one twice as difficult.

 

If you were to go total NC - concentrate on YOU & your family.....Yes, this horrible gut wrenching feeling you have right now will slowly but surely go away. One day you'll wake up & realize it's been days, weeks, months, etc since you last even thought of him.

You will still have passing thoughts, but (I'm sure for many - & me too) those are very brief & you merely toss it out of your mind as quickly as it entered.

 

I wish you well........Not going to be easy though

[Bittersweetie]

DOH! I meant dryerase NOT Bittersweetie.

 

Scusi. Mille regretti:p

 

I come back to this thread, and suddenly I have children!

 

No worries, TMCM.

[OldOnTheInside]

Would I be correct in assuming that you haven't told your husband yet, despite saying that you would last weekend? If so, do you intend to tell him or not? Can't procrastinate with your decision forever.

[road]

Dryerase the affair and withdrawal will never end because by still working together you must leave this job to go NC with the OM.

[TMCM]

dryerase,

 

Switch places with your H for a minute and imagine that your H had an affair. Would you like to know about it? Would you agree with him if he chose not to tell you for fear of breaking up the family and that you would divorce him? Would you believe him if he said he would never have another affair ever again? Would ignorance be bliss to you?

 

Your affair may be over but the marriage you knew is gone forever. In its place now is a sham, a mockery of what once was. You are robbing your H of the opportunity to find somebody who will truly love him not just with words but with deeds. If there is any love left for him, then do the honorable thing and set him free. He deserves no less.

[jnj express]

For you to give us this garbage about the OM, being willing to take care of your kids---is pure BS

 

This is how he took care of your kids---Since you are in lala land, and don't know what you want---your H. will decide as to R. or D.

 

If its D---then what your scum lover has done is to cause your kids to be passed back and forth tween 2 homes, and bouncing around here, there, as some judge dictates---that's what your scum lover did for your kids---of course you are the one really to blame here---cuz it was you who has the responsibility to take care of your own flesh and blood, but you can't be bothered with that----all you can think about is how you can get the other man inside your body---so you can have some physical satisfaction

 

Other option---if your H---does give you the greatest gift he could give---which is a 2nd chance---what kind of a life are the kids gonna have living under one roof---with 2 parents, of which one distrusts, hates the other, and you are gonna go around with guilt, shame, crying, depressed---etc., etc., etc.

 

Then again if your H. divorces you---what kind of a life will you have---out there in the big world all by yourself---having to do everything you did as a family, now you will do those things by yourself

 

Also you will go out there with the label, of divorced, single mother of kids, who cheated on her H.-----Do you honestly think you are gonna get any kind of a decent man---carrying those labels-----OH WAIT---I FORGOT---YOU HAVE YOUR SCUMBAG LOVER----Lady you are gonna regret what you have done every day for the rest of your life!!!!!!!

[Memphis Raines]

From someone that's been there.....

 

I won't suggest you tell your husband in order for your marriage to move forward - because I don't believe that it's necessary.

 

 

yup, no consequences, no change.

 

leaves the door open for another affair in the future since they got away with it once.

[What_Next]

I won't suggest you tell your husband in order for your marriage to move forward - because I don't believe that it's necessary.

 

Un-bloody-believable. .

 

Without honesty there is no marriage. Without trust there is no mariage. There is no faith. Period. Then again coming from you I cannot say I am surprised.

 

Why have you not told your husband yet as you claimed you would?

[confusedinkansas]

Un-bloody-believable. .

 

Without honesty there is no marriage. Without trust there is no mariage. There is no faith. Period. Then again coming from you I cannot say I am surprised.

 

Why have you not told your husband yet as you claimed you would?

 

He knows about round one of the affair -

I don't recall ever saying that I'd tell him about the '2nd round'

What I do recall saying is that - I believe he already knows.....Just not the gory details......AND...... because of the timeframe & what was happening in the marriage at that particular time, it's all water under the bridge at this point in our relationship.

[Owl]

CIK...do you believe that if he knew about "round 2", it would impact his choice to remain with you, or his trust in you?

 

Or do you believe he just wouldn't care, and would accept it as "part of the past" as you have?

[confusedinkansas]

CIK...do you believe that if he knew about "round 2", it would impact his choice to remain with you, or his trust in you?

 

Or do you believe he just wouldn't care, and would accept it as "part of the past" as you have?

 

If I were to sit down & discuss the details with him he would say it's part of the past. I know my husband better than he knows himself sometimes.

I've shared here before that even when my X guy has tried to contact me I told my husband - he's not phased by it. Says to let it go. Ignore him & he'll go away.....which surprisingly has finally happened.

 

HE has been the one that's swayed me over to his side on this thinking. I have a very hard time putting things in the past & moving forward. (Even the affair - WAY after he'd put it behind us - it took me a very long time to let it go)

He is the one that taught me that if you dwell on the past then you'll basically rot & die. Moving forward is the only option.

[Owl]

So your thought is basically that he'd forgive you, and tell you to let it be in the past.

 

OK.

 

Do you feel as though you should seek his forgiveness for the "second round"?

 

Do you feel that he should be given the opportunity to actually forgive you?

 

Do you think that it would help you not to "dwell in the past" if you had that forgiveness? If the truth could be aired, dealt with, and allowed to fade to the past?

 

See...I don't know how to "move forward" without dealing with the present and past first. They stay with you unless they're resolved and dealt with. And I don't understand how you move forward...how you resolve and deal with them...without them not having been faced, admitted to, and forgiven.

 

To me...it seems like your husband has been denied his chance to forgive you. Denied the chance to make his own choice with this knowledge. You made it for him...without his consent or knowledge (although perhaps it IS with his consent in some fashion, since he's indicated to you he prefers not to know these things).

 

People are different. You and your H manage things in a completely different fashion than I do, or most of the people I know do. It works for you...and that's great. I just don't know that it would work for others as well.

 

Regardless...thanks for the answer. Much appreciated.

[What_Next]

Honesty, what a bloody concept. Lost on some . Whatever, she isn't my wife. I know I expect and DEMAND 100% in my relationship. If I discover ANY aspect of my wife's affair that she lied about during our initial stages of reconciliation I will terminate the relationship. As I would expect her to do so regarding my revenge affair. It the ONLY way to carry on any relationship from my perspective. Others are completely fine with a continuation of lies, deception and secrets. To each their own I suppose.

 

Back on topic, until you tell your H dryerase your marriage is a complete and utter sham. If you are still unsure about what you want to do then take some more time. When you tell your H (trust me sooner or later he WILL FIND OUT if you don't) then you ought to be sure that you are going to commit to the marriage, well if that is possible of course.

 

Still gobsmacked, absolutely gobsmacked what some term a marriage. Good lord. Another reason to NEVER get married. Some people are truly better off without that ring on their finger.

[Memphis Raines]

Un-bloody-believable. .

 

Without honesty there is no marriage. Without trust there is no mariage. There is no faith. Period. Then again coming from you I cannot say I am surprised.

 

Why have you not told your husband yet as you claimed you would?

 

some people think dishonesty in a marriage is perfectly acceptable

[confusedinkansas]

some people think dishonesty in a marriage is perfectly acceptable

 

Some people also believe that if you can leave the past in the past & build a NEW & BETTER future..........Why the hell not.

[ladydesigner]

Some people also believe that if you can leave the past in the past & build a NEW & BETTER future..........Why the hell not.

 

I have to say I agree.

[Memphis Raines]

Some people also believe that if you can leave the past in the past & build a NEW & BETTER future..........Why the hell not.

 

you mean like if your husband cheated, that you would dump him? So I suppose leaving it in the past is good if your husband forgives you, but you wouldn't afford him the same courtesy. You have said this.

 

ok, I got it now.

[dale_gribble]

I can't believe the nerve of some people who cheat.

[JaneyAmazed]

Sorry cheaters are no good parents.

 

 

 

Nah sorry. That's like saying an assassin is a nice person. If you abuse your spouse and treat them like crap it's going to rub off on the kids intentionally, especially if the home is a hostile environment. You don't cheat for 3 years and still claim to love your kids because we know it is not true. You've been spending precious time with someone else's man, going out partying, and smoking weed instead of taking care of your kids to make sure they're safe.

 

I have to disagree with this. It may be true sometimes but not always. My dad was everything a dad should be to a child. Somehow he was able to have an affair but still be a good dad. There was no hostile environment at home at all.He is a sweet and gentle man, and always has been. I thought my parents had the perfect marriage. I thought my dad was the best dad in the world. He was home everynight for dinner and spent so much time with us on the weekends. He even volunteered at school and field trips. I've always been very close to him. I didn't find out until I was 30 years old that he had cheated on my mom for 4 years. He was wrong for that. I guess he was able to comparmentalize his "two lives" because everyone we knew were stunned when we found out what he had done. It was like finding out that Billy Graham smokes crack. (Maybe that's not a great analogy ) Anyway, I KNOW my dad loves me and has always loved me.