Will I eventually stop thinking about the OM?

[TMCM]

Interesting that even as an adult, you're still idealizing him and attempting to justify his behavior. This is probably related to your own affair.

 

But don't we do the same with historical and biblical figures as well?

 

Many of the men who we consider heroes, had less than perfect lives. When the production of Thomas Jefferson’s plantation waned, he blamed his slaves and established harsh work rules even though the lower production was actually caused by soil depletion, not laziness. Martin Luther King’s womanizing is another example. King David seduced another man's wife. And the list goes on and on.

 

Don't we often idealized these men while brushing aside their dismal behavior?

Edited May 25, 2011 by TMCM
eta

[confusedinkansas]

you mean like if your husband cheated, that you would dump him? So I suppose leaving it in the past is good if your husband forgives you, but you wouldn't afford him the same courtesy. You have said this.

 

ok, I got it now.

 

I did say before in another thread (Probably a year ago or more) that "I don't know what I'd do"

& I still don't know what I'd do. Until you're thrown into a situation such as an affair I don't think many of us KNOW - There are too many factors to be considered.

 

Memphis - Since you haven't lived with my husband for the last 31 years you have no idea what I've 'put up with' 'turned a blind eye to' or 'sucked it up & kept going'.........For HIM & for the sake of the family unit.

So - in answer to your question YES I have AFFORDED HIM THE SAME COURTESY.

[confusedinkansas]

Dry -Sorry to TJ there with answering a question.

 

How's it going? It's been a few days since you posted....is there an update?

[Memphis Raines]

Memphis - Since you haven't lived with my husband for the last 31 years you have no idea what I've 'put up with' 'turned a blind eye to' or 'sucked it up & kept going'

 

and I don't care, it doesn't give you an excuse.

[confusedinkansas]

and I don't care, it doesn't give you an excuse.

 

Well - If ya don't care I supposed you could stop with your flip accusations & assumptions then....Right?

[Memphis Raines]

Well - If ya don't care I supposed you could stop with your flip accusations & assumptions then....Right?

 

read a little better. i don't care what you think you have put up with to think you have an excuse to do what you did. as far as caring about you bashing BS's and defending their tormentors, sure, I'll always care about abhorrent behavior like that.

 

and no accusations or assumptions. its all about what you have posted. you have given enough information to avoid assumptions.

[jnj express]

If you guys wanna talk about Kansas life---THEN START ANOTHER THREAD---this is spose to be about dryerase----

 

By the way where are you dryerase----we haven't heard from you for a while------what is going on----

 

Have you left your job, have you "outed" yourself to your H.---or are you taking your dark, dirty, little secret to the grave with you

[John Michael Kane]

I have to disagree with this. It may be true sometimes but not always. My dad was everything a dad should be to a child. Somehow he was able to have an affair but still be a good dad. There was no hostile environment at home at all.He is a sweet and gentle man, and always has been. I thought my parents had the perfect marriage. I thought my dad was the best dad in the world. He was home everynight for dinner and spent so much time with us on the weekends. He even volunteered at school and field trips. I've always been very close to him. I didn't find out until I was 30 years old that he had cheated on my mom for 4 years. He was wrong for that. I guess he was able to comparmentalize his "two lives" because everyone we knew were stunned when we found out what he had done. It was like finding out that Billy Graham smokes crack. (Maybe that's not a great analogy ) Anyway, I KNOW my dad loves me and has always loved me.

 

There's no need for you to attempt to rationalize his affair. Cheaters compartmentalize when they cheat and I'm sure I don't have to repeat this tactic to you, since you're "experienced" in that specific field.

[dale_gribble]

I don't think she liked everyone piling-on.(OOPS! pardon the pun)

[John Michael Kane]

Well - If ya don't care I supposed you could stop with your flip accusations & assumptions then....Right?

 

The same goes for you and your assumptions.

[dryerase]

Hi - Nope, I don't mind if everyone "piles on". That's what I'm here for. I'm not quite sure what happened to this thread, with people ganging up on confused in kansas. I've just been reading everyone going back and forth.

 

My original post in this thread was about the OM and feelings of missing/longing for that relationship. Yes, I know it is very selfish, and I am not acting on that at all. Yes, I am going to tell my husband, but he unexpectedly had to leave out of town for work last weekend, so I am awaiting his return. Maybe I posted in the wrong forum for this topic. Maybe I should have posted in the Other Man/Other Woman forum, but to be honest, I like the toughness and rigidity on this forum. I make no excuses for my choices, and I am not looking for anyone to say what I did was ok at all because I myself don't buy into that.

 

All I was asking was that for anyone who has been in this, will those feelings go away because sometimes they are so strong, it is difficult for me to focus on anything else. It is very very difficult now because I continue to work with him. I absolutely can't change my job, though, because my children and husband won't have health insurance otherwise. By the end of the summer, that situation will change.

 

Upon reflection, I have sort of realized something. Over the weekends, when I don't see the OM, I miss him for the first day or two, but after that, I am just fine. Then I see him at work, and the whole cycle of missing/longing begins again. That makes me hopeful that once I no longer see him, these feelings for the OM will be mostly behind me. Anyway, I try to remain busy and active with my family to not dwell on this. You guys who are reading these posts that I write on occasion are seeing me "dwelling", but generally speaking, I am doing my best not to.

 

Thank you so much to those who have been trying to be constructive and helpful with their comments - I sort of find it amazing that you would take time to provide your insights with a total stranger, and I really do appreciate it. I hope to pay it forward somehow.

[JaneyAmazed]

There's no need for you to attempt to rationalize his affair. Cheaters compartmentalize when they cheat and I'm sure I don't have to repeat this tactic to you, since you're "experienced" in that specific field.

 

I didn't rationalize his affair. I just said he was good dad in spite of having an affair. He was always there for me...more than most dads of friends I had. I'm sorry that doesn't line up with your beliefs, but it's true. Also, I didn't compartmentalize my affair. I couldn't. That's why I confessed. It's funny how you have "cheaters" all built with the same characteristics. I can't really take you seriously now.

Edited May 26, 2011 by JaneyAmazed

[John Michael Kane]

I didn't rationalize his affair. I just said he was good dad in spite of having an affair. He was always there for me...more than most dads of friends I had. I'm sorry that doesn't line up with your beliefs, but it's true.

 

Surrrreeee....

 

Also, I didn't compartmentalize my affair. I couldn't. That's why I confessed.

 

But during the time you were cheating, you compartmentalized it. And confession doesn't lessen the blow.

 

It's funny how you have "cheaters" all built with the same characteristics. I can't really take you seriously now.

 

Uh excuse me ALL CHEATERS have the SAME CHARACTERISTICS with different stories, ending in the same conclusion: Bad. If anyone isn't taking anyone seriously it is yourself. Trying to take shots at me will not solve your issues.

[confusedinkansas]

DryErase

It's really too bad that you can't leave your job sooner than you mentioned. However, I can totally understand. With the state of the economy jumping ship now would just add unneeded stress to your situation.

 

Your feelings for this other guy aren't going to just "Poof" up & disappear. You working with him & seeing him all the time is going to be VERY difficult & it's not going to get much better until you can leave your job.

The ONLY way to begin the process of healing for the person that had the affair is to NOT see their XAP....At All....in ANY situation.

 

Does this OM ever try to talk to you about the affair? Does he email you? Does he try to call you? - or is it all just strictly work...period?

[JaneyAmazed]

Surrrreeee....

 

 

 

But during the time you were cheating, you compartmentalized it. And confession doesn't lessen the blow.

 

 

 

Uh excuse me ALL CHEATERS have the SAME CHARACTERISTICS with different stories, ending in the same conclusion: Bad. If anyone isn't taking anyone seriously it is yourself. Trying to take shots at me will not solve your issues.

 

I don't take shots. I just tell it like it is. You keep proving my point that you don't give valuable advice to me. You just make up your mind about all cheaters and proceed with the nonsense...nothing new here on LS. Shame on me for choosing to respond to you all.

[John Michael Kane]

I don't take shots. I just tell it like it is. You keep proving my point that you don't give valuable advice to me.

 

You're the one not accepting responsibility.

 

You just make up your mind about all cheaters and proceed with the nonsense...nothing new here on LS.

 

Yet you keep saying nobody knows your "situation" when someone says the truth you don't want to hear. Typical here on LS.

 

Shame on me for choosing to respond to you all.

 

Pity that you refuse to be completely remorseful for your actions.

[What_Next]

dryease I certainly hope you do go through with telling your husband and don't listen to those that insist you consider the deception. He deserves the truth.

 

I have nothing to add on the subject of pining for the OM/OW, I'll leave that to those who seem to be proud of their affairs as sickening as that is.

[y2k]

Sorry cheaters are no good parents.

 

janeyamazed told you his father was a good father to him and his father cheated.

 

My father cheated on my mother and left her for his OW when I was a child, but he was a great father.

 

He may have been a terrible husband granted, but he was a good father. He was always there for me, always provided, etc.

 

Sure I was upset for my mother, but she bounced back quickly and she dated. That issue is between them.

 

The notion that people who cheat on their spouses are bad parents is mistaken. Those people may be bad SPOUSES, but it doesn't mean they're bad parents.

 

What does how my father/mother uses his/her genitals have to do with the parenting of either one of the two???? Nothing. If my mother fell in love with a man that was not my father, it changes nothing between her and I.

 

There are people who are lousy spouses, but great parents. There are also people who are GREAT spouses, but lousy parents. Both are SEPARATE THINGS.

[John Michael Kane]

janeyamazed told you his father was a good father to him and his father cheated.

 

My father cheated on my mother and left her for his OW when I was a child, but he was a great father.

 

He may have been a terrible husband granted, but he was a good father. He was always there for me, always provided, etc.

 

Sure I was upset for my mother, but she bounced back quickly and she dated. That issue is between them.

 

The notion that people who cheat on their spouses are bad parents is mistaken. Those people may be bad SPOUSES, but it doesn't mean they're bad parents.

 

What does how my father/mother uses his/her genitals have to do with the parenting of either one of the two???? Nothing. If my mother fell in love with a man that was not my father, it changes nothing between her and I.

 

There are people who are lousy spouses, but great parents. There are also people who are GREAT spouses, but lousy parents. Both are SEPARATE THINGS.

 

Sorry they are not separate.

[ladydesigner]

janeyamazed told you his father was a good father to him and his father cheated.

 

My father cheated on my mother and left her for his OW when I was a child, but he was a great father.

 

He may have been a terrible husband granted, but he was a good father. He was always there for me, always provided, etc.

 

Sure I was upset for my mother, but she bounced back quickly and she dated. That issue is between them.

 

The notion that people who cheat on their spouses are bad parents is mistaken. Those people may be bad SPOUSES, but it doesn't mean they're bad parents.

 

What does how my father/mother uses his/her genitals have to do with the parenting of either one of the two???? Nothing. If my mother fell in love with a man that was not my father, it changes nothing between her and I.

 

There are people who are lousy spouses, but great parents. There are also people who are GREAT spouses, but lousy parents. Both are SEPARATE THINGS.

 

I agree with this post. My H's cheating and my revenge affair never once affected our parenting. The time it did affect our kids is when we had fights about it, and that was wrong. But parenting them has always remained consistent.

 

My mother had cheated on my father and was the absolute best mother a person could have. I have never felt one ounce of hatred or disrespect for her. My father on the other hand who has always been very judgemental and cold, and emotionally abusive at times. He was not a great parent and caused a lot of damage to me as far as how I choose men that are emotionally unavailable.

 

Infidelity has not affected my parenting nor my mothers. I know in some cases where there is neglect because of infidelity, yes then I would agree that would be bad parenting.

[y2k]

janeyamazed told you his father was a good father to him and his father cheated.

 

My father cheated on my mother and left her for his OW when I was a child, but he was a great father.

 

He may have been a terrible husband granted, but he was a good father. He was always there for me, always provided, etc.

 

Sure I was upset for my mother, but she bounced back quickly and she dated. That issue is between them.

 

The notion that people who cheat on their spouses are bad parents is mistaken. Those people may be bad SPOUSES, but it doesn't mean they're bad parents.

 

What does how my father/mother uses his/her genitals have to do with the parenting of either one of the two???? Nothing. If my mother fell in love with a man that was not my father, it changes nothing between her and I.

 

There are people who are lousy spouses, but great parents. There are also people who are GREAT spouses, but lousy parents. Both are SEPARATE THINGS.

 

Sorry they are not separate.

 

You got three people on this thread telling you that it is separate. Plus you don't mention why.

[y2k]

janeyamazed told you his father was a good father to him and his father cheated.

 

My father cheated on my mother and left her for his OW when I was a child, but he was a great father.

 

He may have been a terrible husband granted, but he was a good father. He was always there for me, always provided, etc.

 

Sure I was upset for my mother, but she bounced back quickly and she dated. That issue is between them.

 

The notion that people who cheat on their spouses are bad parents is mistaken. Those people may be bad SPOUSES, but it doesn't mean they're bad parents.

 

What does how my father/mother uses his/her genitals have to do with the parenting of either one of the two???? Nothing. If my mother fell in love with a man that was not my father, it changes nothing between her and I.

 

There are people who are lousy spouses, but great parents. There are also people who are GREAT spouses, but lousy parents. Both are SEPARATE THINGS.

 

I agree with this post. My H's cheating and my revenge affair never once affected our parenting. The time it did affect our kids is when we had fights about it, and that was wrong. But parenting them has always remained consistent.

 

My mother had cheated on my father and was the absolute best mother a person could have. I have never felt one ounce of hatred or disrespect for her. My father on the other hand who has always been very judgemental and cold, and emotionally abusive at times. He was not a great parent and caused a lot of damage to me as far as how I choose men that are emotionally unavailable.

 

Infidelity has not affected my parenting nor my mothers. I know in some cases where there is neglect because of infidelity, yes then I would agree that would be bad parenting.

 

I agree of course.

 

They are both separate things. Not to justify cheating, but that issue is between a person and their spouse, not their children.

 

Usually the people who bring up the children in these situations are the ones who try desperately to keep a spouse in an "un-happy" marriage.

 

"You have to stay with me for the children" is a last resort excuse and it's invalid. It's usually a last act of desperation for a spouse who realizes their husband/wife is going to leave them.

 

A person can be a great parent whether or not he/she is married/in love with the other parent of their kid or not.

[John Michael Kane]

You got three people on this thread telling you that it is separate.

 

Oh my god I'm so shocked! Doesn't matter if there were 800 billion people telling me the same thing.

 

But all that aside, out of those 3 specific people, how many of them are cheaters?

 

Plus you don't mention why.

 

If you had actually read my previous posts in this thread you'd see I stated why a few times.

[spissefieks]

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[ladydesigner]

If you hurt my blood, then you hurt me.

 

If anyone ever seriously hurts one of my children, physically or emotionally, you better believe I will interpret that as a personal assault on myself.

 

I see no reason to make a distinction if it happens to be one of my parents rather than one of my children, nor if the party causing the injury is the other parent. In fact that makes it even worse of an injury.

 

It's unbelievable to me how disconnected and alienated from the notion of "family" people can be, but I think that's a function of being raised in a family where cheating and betrayal of one parent by the other is the norm. The only way the child can survive psychologically is to compartmentalize the bad behavior by one parent against another.

 

It's fine that you have your own opinion about this. I have the capability to understand and to forgive. I have forgiven my mother, my husband and myself. I do not feel it is compartmentalizing. I know these things happened I am not going to hold it over their heads nor mine forever. I could not possibly live my life that way.