End of my rope Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 First some background info. I was married at a very young age. 18. Young and stupid. My ex-husband was a lot older than me. 17 years to be exact. ( and no, my momma wasn't happy about it.) I'd never been in a long term relationship before him. 3 months was the longest I'd ever went out with someone before breaking up with them. He comes along and he sweeps me off my feet. He's romantic and charming and stable, and everything else a young girl daydreams about. He asks me to marry him and I found myself saying yes to him. With in six months I realize that I've made a mistake. I wasn't in love with him, nor was I ever in love with him. I was in love with being in love. I was raised to believe that once you married someone it was forever and you just learned to stick it out. So I did. For two and a half years I tried to stick it out. I got to the point that I resented him so much that I prayed everyday that he would die so I could be free. ( I know how awful that sounds.) Finally, shortly after my 20th birthday I decide I couldn't live my life that way any longer and started making plans to leave him, which I did 4 months later. We've been divorced now for going on 3 years. He still lives in the small town (population 350) that I grew up in. A family friend see's him at the grocery store and he tells them that he's come out of the closet and introduced them to his boyfriend. Of course living in a small town it doesn't take long for it to circulate back to my momma who in turn calls me and tells me. Now I had my doubts about his sexual preference shortly after we were married. I explained it away by saying it was because he was raised mainly by his momma b/c his dad wouldn't have much to do with him. He was just a tad to in touch with his feminine side. It didn't matter, we didn't have sex more than once every other month. He thought that it was simply disgusting to " go down " on a woman. So that never happened either. In the last year of our marriage we only had sex once. In a nutshell, it didn't surprise me that he was gay. I actually had always claimed that he was. My problem isn't that he's gay, that's a personal thing. The problem is that he's gay AND my ex husband. For some reason I find it extremely embarrassing. Why? It isn't like we were still married when he "came out". But it bothers me very bad and I find myself thinking about it a lot trying to come to some closure about it. I tried to talk to my s/o about it but he just laughs and thinks it's hilarious that I was married to a gay guy. So here I am, back at LS with my hat in my hands, using all of you as my sounding board... Any comments? Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Wow, I can understand why you feel stigmatized by this. I think it bothers you like it does, because the cat's out of the bag (or in this case, the snake is out of the bag) in a VERY small town like that. It bothers you because everyone knows you were married to a gay man. I can see how that would bother you! You feel like an object of ridicule for that. How to deal with it? Hold your head high. You left him, because you knew something wasn't right. Thank GOD you weren't still married to him when all this let out, or when he came out of the dark about it. In a matter of time, it won't be as pressing for you. I do know how small towns are, and how they thrive over gossip like this. Just hold your head high, and don't let nosy, shallow people make you feel like less of a person in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 I was married to a preacher who came out of the closet. Like you, it came as no surprise to me. He then disappeared for several years leaving me to continue with all the bills, the children and a very emotionally shocked church. My Mom told me "At least you know the marriage breaking up wasn't YOUR fault....you had no way to salvage this.". You need to look at it that way as well. It's LESS embarassing that the break up was out of your hands due to the obvious circumstances. You aren't a loser....you just didn't have the right equipment to fight with. DO get all the blood testing needed on an annual basis just in case he was engaged in sex with men during the marriage and didn't use protection. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 HAHA End.....perhaps this is why we both NOW prefer macho men in uniform carrying guns. Link to post Share on other sites
Author End of my rope Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess HAHA End.....perhaps this is why we both NOW prefer macho men in uniform carrying guns. LMAO, ya know...now that you mention it... I bet that is why! Bring on the macho men! (and not the ones the village people like either!) Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Ok First of all You Married a Straight Man, divorced a straight man. Try to look at it that way. I am not sure the reasoning of your divorce, but is it possible he was trying to trophy bride you- his 17 yr younger hot wife, just to quiet his own suspitions about himself being gay? you know you are not at fault, but being from bama, i know what kind of mind set small southern towns have, and They are always Bashing the women! i.e.- sure the husbands a drunk, but if his wife didin't rag on him so much about drinking he wouldn't hit her. Just Try your Best to be Deaf to all the rumors! Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 I know how small towns are about people's private lives. You may be afraid that people will speculate about you--- "the ex wife must have known" "maybe she made him gay" and any other petty comments or beliefs that foolish people may hold. You may feel your ex husband's homosexuality is a further example to the world of the failure of your marriage. You feel that the relationship/marriage was a mistake you should have been able to avoid. A lot of people go through unhappy marriages and divorces, for good and bad reasons. All of us have mad bad mistakes at some point in time. If your ex was gay, it was for the best that you two did end the marriage. What other people think of this is unimportant and irrelevant. Focus on the life you have now, and that you had the sense and the maturity to end an unhappy marriage, realize your mistakes, and become a better person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author End of my rope Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 Two things, first...I don't live in that town anymore. I live in Alabama and he lives in West Virginia. So fortunately I don't have to deal with it every where I go just with my friends and family that still live there. Second of all, I've been thinking of calling him and talking to him about this. I don't know why really, just for closure I guess. Is that a good idea or not? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 After six years of marriage, my husband realized he was gay. It didn't bother me at all and macho men still bore me to tears. With respect to the small town - stuff 'em. If people are jerks, there's nothing you can do. With respect to your feelings about it, as Arabess said: You need to look at it that way as well. It's LESS embarassing that the break up was out of your hands due to the obvious circumstances. You aren't a loser....you just didn't have the right equipment to fight with. If you've got to be replaced, being replaced by someone you could not possibly compete with is the best way to go Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Originally posted by End of my rope Two things, first...I don't live in that town anymore. I live in Alabama and he lives in West Virginia. So fortunately I don't have to deal with it every where I go just with my friends and family that still live there. Second of all, I've been thinking of calling him and talking to him about this. I don't know why really, just for closure I guess. Is that a good idea or not? Ohhhhh! Thank goodness you don't live in that town, because I can just imagine the talk going on! I suppose calling him wouldn't hurt, and it's not like you have anything to lose...like Arabess said, him desiring other men has nothing to do with you, no competition or threat to you whatsoever. It might actually be very beneficial to you to talk to him about this. It can help you close this chapter of your life because the fact that he is gay really was a BIG issue in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author End of my rope Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 Thanks to you all for your opinions and sharing your own stories of former husbands turned gay. I don't know that I'll call him...I just feel so angry at him...and used... Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 He left you for another PERSON - male or female - what should it matter? Would you feel somehow less embarrassed if he had left you for another woman? If so, then what you're feeling, I believe, has more to do with how you feel about gays than how you feel about the end of your relationship. Why do feel stigmatised for being divorced from a gay man? Would being divorced from a straight man make the experience any "better"? Your ex-husband was a confused and misguided man who clearly had a hard time dealing with his sexuality. Most likely he married you in a desperate attempt to seek social acceptance and in the misguided belief that he could somehow repress his urges and be "converted" to a heterosexual. None of this has anything to do with you. you say I wasn't in love with him, nor was I ever in love with him. I was in love with being in love. in which case your marriage was doomed for failure regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author End of my rope Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 Originally posted by bluechocolate He left you for another PERSON - male or female - what should it matter? Would you feel somehow less embarrassed if he had left you for another woman? If so, then what you're feeling, I believe, has more to do with how you feel about gays than how you feel about the end of your relationship. First off, you need to read my post more carefully. He didn't leave me for another anything. I divorced him almost 3 years ago because I wasn't happy and I wasn't in love him. has more to do with how you feel about gays I don't have a problem with gay people. I have a lot of gay friends. Lets count...um...6 close friends of mine are gay and countless more I am acquainted with. I support gay marriage. How much more pro-gay can I possibly be without turning into a gay man myself? What bothers me is that he was so very obviously gay for a long time and scared to admit it to himself. So he created a sort of alter ego that I fell in love with. He used to me prove to the world he was straight when he very obviously wasn't. What embarrasses me is that I fell for his lies and allowed myself to be used as his *proof*... his trophy bride. I wasn't in love with him, nor was I ever in love with him. I was in love with being in love. in which case your marriage was doomed for failure regardless. I have never disputed this fact, you haven't pointed anything out to me that I am not already aware of. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Most likely he married you in a desperate attempt to seek social acceptance and in the misguided belief that he could somehow repress his urges and be "converted" to a heterosexual Exactly. That's why mine did. He didn't 'use' me, nor did he 'lie' to me. He was trying to be what he thought he 'should' be and do what he thought he 'should' do and I've never blamed him for one second. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Originally posted by End of my rope Thanks to you all for your opinions and sharing your own stories of former husbands turned gay. I don't know that I'll call him...I just feel so angry at him...and used... I think Moimeme is actually VERY correct. He probably DID TRY to do the right thing and took the path he felt was expected of him. I realized that much later....and it helped the immense resentment I was carrying. I went thru a LONG LONG time of feeling used though. I felt he took 10 years out of my life for NO REASON. I was very angry. After that I only dated womanizing beer guzzling sailors....FOR GOOD REASON!! HAHA! Link to post Share on other sites
Author End of my rope Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme Most likely he married you in a desperate attempt to seek social acceptance and in the misguided belief that he could somehow repress his urges and be "converted" to a heterosexual Exactly. That's why mine did. He didn't 'use' me, nor did he 'lie' to me. He was trying to be what he thought he 'should' be and do what he thought he 'should' do and I've never blamed him for one second. The fact that I was in a doomed relationship was bad enough. To compound that with the fact that he was a closet gay upsets me. He used me. He, IMO, took away 2 and half years of my life that I'm never going to get back. He knew what he was doing. He was 35 and I was 17 when we met. He said all the right things to sweep me off my feet, only to turn into a cold fish after we had married and 3 years later he reveals he is gay and everything makes sense. Yes I blame a lot of things on him, and yes, I feel he used me. What else would you call it? (I apologize in advance for the improper grammar.) Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 It seems I certainly got it wrong about him leaving you, reading the comments from others in reply to yours before actually writing yourself it is easy to get the threads mixed up. My comments regarding your feelings about gays stems from this sentence: The problem is that he's gay AND my ex husband. For some reason I find it extremely embarrassing. Link to post Share on other sites
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