Not enjoying being the OM

[nothingbutblueskies]

So I started talking with a married woman online a month or so ago. I was immediately attracted to her, but told myself she was off limits due to being married with a family. But somewhere between then and now we kind of fell for one another and now I think I am going insane.

 

I feel as though I have rationally thought out every aspect of this, weighed the pros (if there even are any) and cons and I still cannot make myself walk away, despite knowing damn well that I should. It feels like if I don't follow this out to some sort of natural end I will regret it for the rest of my life, because there's something about her (as well as the connection between us) that is making me incapable of moving on.

 

She's the most intriguing and beautiful woman I've ever known and I feel if the connection between us wasn't so strong the decision to drop it would have been made a long time ago. We've been together once physically and both agree that the sexual chemistry between us is beyond belief, so that's not exactly helping either. I know it isn't fair to myself to keep putting my heart out there to be broken, but I can't stop myself from doing it.

 

Can anyone offer some advice, insight, tough love or just tell me to stop being weak and do what I know needs to happen. I will never ask her to leave her husband (of ten years). I care for her too much to do that, and beside ultimately it's her decision anyway, not mine. She says she never will leave him all the while telling me how much she loves me. She also tells me that it's killing her for cheating on him because there wasn't anything wrong with their marriage (sexually or intimately) before this happened. I know everything about this screams for me to get out, but I cannot seem to do it.

 

Don't tell me what I want to hear, tell me what I need to hear for better or for worse.

Edited May 17, 2011 by nothingbutblueskies

[Audacia]

The only person you have control over is yourself. Sometimes it's hard to believe but you do. Find the strength to control your desires. If she's told you she's never going to leave then there is no future. And this seems like it isn't just sex but emotions. Which you know the outcome of this. Its a trainwreck at the end of the line. Jump off now.

 

You seem like you are a pretty rational person and would enjoy a serious relationship. You can't have that with a MW. So if thats what you want then break this off and find someone who can give you that. Forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

[BB07]

All that after a month talking to her ONLINE???

You do realize all you've got is a fantasy that you both have created. She might not really be a her......oh it has happened. lol

 

Since you say you already know what you need to do and you say you are powerless to do it, what exactly do you expect anyone to do for you here?

There is nothing anyone here at LS can do other than point out a few things to you, it's up to you to reach down and find your gonads and tough it out or if you like drama and heartache with some pleasure in the mix among the hellish moments.......go for it, we sure can't stop you.

[waytogo]

So I started talking with a married woman online a month or so ago. I was immediately attracted to her, but told myself she was off limits due to being married with a family. But somewhere between then and now we kind of fell for one another and now I think I am going insane.

 

I feel as though I have rationally thought out every aspect of this, weighed the pros (if there even are any) and cons and I still cannot make myself walk away, despite knowing damn well that I should. It feels like if I don't follow this out to some sort of natural end I will regret it for the rest of my life, because there's something about her (as well as the connection between us) that is making me incapable of moving on.

 

She's the most intriguing and beautiful woman I've ever known and I feel if the connection between us wasn't so strong the decision to drop it would have been made a long time ago. We've been together once physically and both agree that the sexual chemistry between us is beyond belief, so that's not exactly helping either. I know it isn't fair to myself to keep putting my heart out there to be broken, but I can't stop myself from doing it.

 

Can anyone offer some advice, insight, tough love or just tell me to stop being weak and do what I know needs to happen. I will never ask her to leave her husband (of ten years). I care for her too much to do that, and beside ultimately it's her decision anyway, not mine. She says she never will leave him all the while telling me how much she loves me. She also tells me that it's killing her for cheating on him because there wasn't anything wrong with their marriage (sexually or intimately) before this happened. I know everything about this screams for me to get out, but I cannot seem to do it.

 

Don't tell me what I want to hear, tell me what I need to hear for better or for worse.

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I've been there (was an OW). I spent over 2 years in the A for some one who was never leaving either. That was 2 + years of my real true love REALLY being out there, and me missing out on a real relationship.

 

I began to feel I was going crazy also. One Sat, I was going to catch up on some work, pay my bills, etc. I sat at my computer all day, kind of in a daze. Not one thing intended was accomplished. I was becoming so distracted by the situation that I was loosing productivity in every part of my life.

 

It was still hard, but I had to separate myself from the situation. I still felt love for him; but that fades as you don't engage in, not just physical, but all the affair behavior anymore. I will tell you, the more force yourself to do the right thing, the more positive things will happen in your life.

 

One other thing to think about, she told you there was nothing wrong in her M before she became distracted by you. What if you ever really got together with all these connected feelings and love, and she got distracted by someone else. You want to wear her current H's shoes?

 

I encourage you to do the right thing by other real human beings, her H, her children, and yourself. A's are exausting, hense the feeling of going crazy. Can you take her around your family and friends, talk about your love at work; or do you lie to people you love? Chances are, you live the lie constantly and it is draining you. Things will turn for the better for you if you live a life you can be honest about to any and everyone, I can promise you that.

[East7]

Can anyone offer some advice, insight, tough love or just tell me to stop being weak and do what I know needs to happen. I will never ask her to leave her husband (of ten years). I care for her too much to do that, and beside ultimately it's her decision anyway, not mine. She says she never will leave him all the while telling me how much she loves me. She also tells me that it's killing her for cheating on him because there wasn't anything wrong with their marriage (sexually or intimately) before this happened. I know everything about this screams for me to get out, but I cannot seem to do it.

 

Don't tell me what I want to hear, tell me what I need to hear for better or for worse.

 

They all say the same things... and we, stupid hearts, over-analyze their contradictions

"How is that possible that she loves me - Why is she staying with her H - But she told me she loves me...:confused:"

Married women seek romance and fantasy not a relationship ! Keep this in mind my friend ! That's why they ALL say "I love you but I can't be with you"...

 

She is enjoying cake-eating propelled by her irresistible emotions but she has no intention to leave her marriage. At least she is not lying.

 

All I can tell you is stop it now. Much easier to stop now at the beginning than later when you will be addicted to her like hell and no matter what people will advice you, you will long for her like crazy.

 

Stop it now while it is not too late !

[Mimolicious]

I'm single. Now, let's get to basics. LOL!

 

Oh Lord please be with me, I don't want to drink out this fountain of insanityloveism juice.

 

Let's see... what are you guys talking about? Where do you see this heading to? Are you making plans of meeting IRL? You said that this is an online R. You know that one day "IT" (cause we don't know) may just stop replying, and be gone with the keys. Have you verified that this person actually exist?

 

Sorry for all the questions but these details can shed more light in the situation.

[Woggle]

Maybe this is a sign that you should get out and start dating single women.

[Emme]

LEAVE HER ALONE

 

We can't make you but that will be the consensus. How does this woman make you feel? Like you're the only man she's ever loved and will love. She makes you feel good inside to where you feel validated. You are a handsome, funny, caring and giving man that any woman would want. Why is she the only one that can make you feel that you are those things? Are you giving other women the opportunity to make you feel wanted. You didn't state your age but there are many single women looking for a good man. If you want to start going out and enjoying your youth. Find at least 5 women in one night and exchange numbers.

 

Loving someone who isn't free to love you back is heartache and pain. It will cut your heart into pieces and leave you in despair that you thought was only capable in movies. It is pain. The sorrow your feeling now is nothing compared to the agony you will feel when it ends. She's letting you know up front she doesn't want you and your ready to accept whatever she dishes out. You are worth more than that. Remember she told you she will never choose you. See her now for what she is... She won't get any prettier with time. Keep your head held high and move on to the next.

[Lovelybird]

If you still can choose, shun woman like this, her tongue dripps honey, but her bed is a danger snare, which leads you to a dark road

[nothingbutblueskies]

Well, I just told her that I was done with it. I feel... kind of ****ty but better than I thought I would, relieved almost.

 

Maybe now I can get some work done, because since this whole thing has started I've been so stressed that I have been neglecting just about everything else.

[26pointblue]

Well, I just told her that I was done with it. I feel... kind of ****ty but better than I thought I would, relieved almost.

 

Maybe now I can get some work done, because since this whole thing has started I've been so stressed that I have been neglecting just about everything else.

 

Good for you. I know how distracting being in this situation can be. I'm glad you can focus on your real, full life now & not let yourself be dragged into a half-life with a MW. Good luck.

[4321sn]

I'm glad you did that...

You have just saved your self so much pain. Go on to eharmony. You were only a month into it. I know it's hard but each day that passed would make it more difficult to walk away.

[bentnotbroken]

So I started talking with a married woman online a month or so ago. I was immediately attracted to her, but told myself she was off limits due to being married with a family. But somewhere between then and now we kind of fell for one another and now I think I am going insane.

 

I feel as though I have rationally thought out every aspect of this, weighed the pros (if there even are any) and cons and I still cannot make myself walk away, despite knowing damn well that I should. It feels like if I don't follow this out to some sort of natural end I will regret it for the rest of my life, because there's something about her (as well as the connection between us) that is making me incapable of moving on.

 

She's the most intriguing and beautiful woman I've ever known and I feel if the connection between us wasn't so strong the decision to drop it would have been made a long time ago. We've been together once physically and both agree that the sexual chemistry between us is beyond belief, so that's not exactly helping either. I know it isn't fair to myself to keep putting my heart out there to be broken, but I can't stop myself from doing it.

 

Can anyone offer some advice, insight, tough love or just tell me to stop being weak and do what I know needs to happen. I will never ask her to leave her husband (of ten years). I care for her too much to do that, and beside ultimately it's her decision anyway, not mine. She says she never will leave him all the while telling me how much she loves me. She also tells me that it's killing her for cheating on him because there wasn't anything wrong with their marriage (sexually or intimately) before this happened. I know everything about this screams for me to get out, but I cannot seem to do it.

 

Don't tell me what I want to hear, tell me what I need to hear for better or for worse.

 

 

Yet, she continues to breath and cheat. Must not be really killing her.

[nothingbutblueskies]

Oh there was plenty of pain as it stood. Anytime her husband was mentioned it felt like a punch to my stomach, or if I knew he was home and she wasn't texting me as frequently as normal... Ugh, that anxiety is not fun.

 

And to address other posts:

 

BB07: Yes this happened in the span of a month (that's how long we've been chatting/texting/phoning daily), but we've been exchanging emails for 2. I had no intention of letting it come to the point it was at, it just happened.

 

waytogo: Thanks for the insightful reply!

 

Emme: I am 28.

 

Mimolicious: I hope she really exists, if she doesn't then I'd like to know who the hell I slept with :X

[waytogo]

Great choice Nothingbut! Actually, has it dawned on you the user name you chose? Says alot.

 

There well still be more back and forth communication if you allow it. Please remember this was bringing you more unhappiness and confusion than happiness.

 

You may not feel great about it every day, be prepared you could have up and down feelings about your choice. My fondest hopes for you is you will remember what didn't feel right in the situation and stick to your stance. You have removed a negative situation from your life and left room for something amazing to fill it. Please do be patient, what can come to you now will make this situation pale so much by comparison.

 

I am proud of you!

[nothingbutblueskies]

Great choice Nothingbut! Actually, has it dawned on you the user name you chose? Says alot.

 

There well still be more back and forth communication if you allow it. Please remember this was bringing you more unhappiness and confusion than happiness.

 

You may not feel great about it every day, be prepared you could have up and down feelings about your choice. My fondest hopes for you is you will remember what didn't feel right in the situation and stick to your stance. You have removed a negative situation from your life and left room for something amazing to fill it. Please do be patient, what can come to you now will make this situation pale so much by comparison.

 

I am proud of you!

 

Thanks My whole life can be summed up by this user name really. I used to weigh 410 lbs, was close to killing myself, lost 180 lbs of it in under a year and a half and found a new disposition towards life. Heh.

 

I've known this was the choice I needed to make all along, but feeling loved/appreciated for who you are is a hard thing to walk away from (especially when you've suffered from the extreme self esteem problems I have in the past). Plus the sex was pretty awesome too, lol.

 

I like your optimism

[growingpains]

Kudos to you for taking action. No matter what you might feel now, it would only get worse, so as others have said, you have saved yourself and her a load of pain.

 

No matter what she says or how she feels there's probably very little chance she would/could do anything about it, the guilt will take over and it will just become some big dysfunctional mess.

 

It sounds like you've taken great strides to improve your self-esteem and you know that you deserve better than all the pain and drama.

 

It may feel difficult but not as difficult as if you did it a year or two from now.

 

GP

[CrestfallenNoMore]

Thanks My whole life can be summed up by this user name really. I used to weigh 410 lbs, was close to killing myself, lost 180 lbs of it in under a year and a half and found a new disposition towards life. Heh.

 

Congratulations on the weight loss and the new outlook!

 

Just consider your good decision to be part of the continuation of your journey to build self-esteem. Very soon, you're going to start second-guessing yourself, really miss her, and want to reach out. She'll likely reach out, too, since the affair was about fulfilling her own needs, not respecting you. But that would promptly halt the progression of all the good work you've done in creating a self-honoring life for yourself.

 

Self-esteem comes from doing what's best for us, not in what we WANT to do. If you live that, then I predict a respectful and healthy relationship in your future.

Edited May 17, 2011 by CrestfallenNoMore
typos

[fooled once]

So I started talking with a married woman online a month or so ago. I was immediately attracted to her, but told myself she was off limits due to being married with a family. But somewhere between then and now we kind of fell for one another and now I think I am going insane.

 

I feel as though I have rationally thought out every aspect of this, weighed the pros (if there even are any) and cons and I still cannot make myself walk away, despite knowing damn well that I should. It feels like if I don't follow this out to some sort of natural end I will regret it for the rest of my life, because there's something about her (as well as the connection between us) that is making me incapable of moving on.

 

She's the most intriguing and beautiful woman I've ever known and I feel if the connection between us wasn't so strong the decision to drop it would have been made a long time ago. We've been together once physically and both agree that the sexual chemistry between us is beyond belief, so that's not exactly helping either. I know it isn't fair to myself to keep putting my heart out there to be broken, but I can't stop myself from doing it.

 

Can anyone offer some advice, insight, tough love or just tell me to stop being weak and do what I know needs to happen. I will never ask her to leave her husband (of ten years). I care for her too much to do that, and beside ultimately it's her decision anyway, not mine. She says she never will leave him all the while telling me how much she loves me. She also tells me that it's killing her for cheating on him because there wasn't anything wrong with their marriage (sexually or intimately) before this happened. I know everything about this screams for me to get out, but I cannot seem to do it.

 

Don't tell me what I want to hear, tell me what I need to hear for better or for worse.

 

So in one month, you have met a MW and had sex with her and are just oh so attracted to her that you want to hang around and keep getting deeper and deeper involved, risking her H finding out and him coming and finding you? OH and in 1 month, she loves you?

 

:sick:

 

Sorry, she screams needy and pathetic. She doesn't care who it is; she just wants someone to fill the empty hole in HERSELF.

 

Of course she is going to say the sex was great she wants an ego boost (which you are giving her) and the distraction from what a selfish, cowardly, needy person she is.

 

Not sure what you find attractive about that.

 

Find your self respect and end this 'affair'. It isn't going anywhere, she is a liar and a coward, and she is probably having sex nightly with her H. Do you not mind that you are essentially sloppy seconds? Come on man; change your email/phone number, etc and tell her to go find a new lover boy.

[Emme]

 

Emme: I am 28.

 

 

Oh honey child please.... 28... You still have many playboy years left in you. You have to find other women to make you feel special. Trust me, she's not the only one that can do it. You are young still and able to find a woman who loves you for you, not use you for there own playpen. Unless that's something you want which by your post isn't. So snap out of it and get away from her. What are your plans to move forward? We all want to know how you plan on getting this woman out of your life. Are you ready for that move?

[nothingbutblueskies]

Oh honey child please.... 28... You still have many playboy years left in you. You have to find other women to make you feel special. Trust me, she's not the only one that can do it. You are young still and able to find a woman who loves you for you, not use you for there own playpen. Unless that's something you want which by your post isn't. So snap out of it and get away from her. What are your plans to move forward? We all want to know how you plan on getting this woman out of your life. Are you ready for that move?

 

I don't need a plan. Once I make my mind up about something it's done, as far as I am concerned we are just friends now. Yeah it hurts and I probably won't talk to her for a while, but it needs to be done. I refuse to make enemies in this life, I refuse to discard people for trivial reasons. Everything that happens is just another experience to put under your belt. If you meant how will I cope with the pain? Well I sing and I have multiple guitars, those are things that have gotten me through rougher times than this

[waytogo]

Thanks My whole life can be summed up by this user name really. I used to weigh 410 lbs, was close to killing myself, lost 180 lbs of it in under a year and a half and found a new disposition towards life. Heh.

 

I've known this was the choice I needed to make all along, but feeling loved/appreciated for who you are is a hard thing to walk away from (especially when you've suffered from the extreme self esteem problems I have in the past). Plus the sex was pretty awesome too, lol.

 

I like your optimism

 

you are doing fantastic! I completely get the 'feeling loved/appreciated for who you are is a hard thing to walk away from'. But the reality is, WS's mostly treat OP's as that icing you learned to walk from

 

You've already acomplished so much. Don't you know there are women o'plenty who will admire that?

 

I only ask, once you realize that, you don't play one to the next. Really decide who is special and treat her that way. The right one will adore you and all you have achieved.

[BB07]

I don't need a plan. Once I make my mind up about something it's done, as far as I am concerned we are just friends now. Yeah it hurts and I probably won't talk to her for a while, but it needs to be done. I refuse to make enemies in this life, I refuse to discard people for trivial reasons. Everything that happens is just another experience to put under your belt. If you meant how will I cope with the pain? Well I sing and I have multiple guitars, those are things that have gotten me through rougher times than this

 

You have a amazing determination and you should be proud of you losing all that weight..........BUT you can NOT remain friends with that woman. She is not your friend and before you know it, you will be sucked back in and it will hurt more next time. Please don't fool yourself........friends thing can not be done.

[nothingbutblueskies]

You have a amazing determination and you should be proud of you losing all that weight..........BUT you can NOT remain friends with that woman. She is not your friend and before you know it, you will be sucked back in and it will hurt more next time. Please don't fool yourself........friends thing can not be done.

 

I suppose I should have clarified, I didn't mean like best friends. For one thing there is a 2 hour drive separating us. I meant remaining on good terms/being able to at least chat down the road once the smoke clears.

 

And secondly, I am friends with every person I have ever dated, no matter what happened in the relationship (and some of them have been pretty bad). I hold no grudges and erase no one from my life. Doing so might work for some, but it's something I will not do.

[y2k]

She says she never will leave him all the while telling me how much she loves me. She also tells me that it's killing her for cheating on him because there wasn't anything wrong with their marriage (sexually or intimately) before this happened.

 

Just a question. Is this husband of her's economically better than you??? OR does he have a higher status than you (more well known among people, big-title job, etc)??????

 

Because sometimes this is "woman code" for "I really love you but the advantages of still being married to my husband outweighs being with you. I'm too comfortable officially being his wife on paper, but my 'love' and 'attention needs' are filled by you".

 

How do you compare to the husband economically, job wise, status, etc???? This could be the key.