Author nothingbutblueskies Posted May 26, 2011 Author Share Posted May 26, 2011 I guess I should have specified, that was years ago. I am no longer suicidal or depressed (well, relatively speaking, this situation kind of sucks lol) and have no intentions of harming myself or anyone else over this woman. I might try and go running soon, but all I really feel like doing is curling up and sleeping, but I don't even want to do that because she's sleeping with her husband right now. UGH Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 Oh I am so happy to hear that. Had me scared for a minute. It sucks doesn't it... Now you are at the beginning it gets even worse as time goes by. Can you imagine what you would feel like if years had gone by. You loved her for years. Now see how lucky you are . The depression would most likely be worse. Be grateful for that... please. Link to post Share on other sites
y2k Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 This is interesting Y2k. I knew a married woman once, that I wanted to get involved with. She developed feelings for me. She would tell me how she admired me, how smart I was, how she respected me, how I made here laugh, how she was happy and felt secure around me. She also had severe financial problems. I made more than double what her husband did ($61,000 vs $27,000) and told her that her financial problems would disappear if she was with me. She said she knew that, yet she never got involved with me. She felt her kids would hate her for leaving their father and she couldn't deal with that, so I walked away. In her case it seems the kids outweighed everything else. I'd be interested in your take on this. If the risk of a woman's kids hating her occurs, then they'll stay with their husbands even if they HATE the husband's guts (bad idea IMO). If the kids wouldn't care, then she probably would have done it. I never understood why kids would be so upset if their mothers fell in love with another man that is not their father. I personally would only look out of the happiness of my mother. If she had told me she loved another man, I'd be the first to tell her to divorce daddy without guilt and pursue the man and to be happy. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted May 26, 2011 Author Share Posted May 26, 2011 Oh I am so happy to hear that. Had me scared for a minute. It sucks doesn't it... Now you are at the beginning it gets even worse as time goes by. Can you imagine what you would feel like if years had gone by. You loved her for years. Now see how lucky you are . The depression would most likely be worse. Be grateful for that... please. I feel like I probably will love her for years, because although I thought I'd been in love before, I'd never felt anything like this We had a long conversation this morning and both agreed it was time to stop. I also got insight into her motives. Her relationship isn't as perfect as she said, her sex drive is as high as mine and the same can't be said for her H who has to be begged into having (infrequent) sex, which she's internalized as herself not being attractive anymore. So I suppose we both found ourselves in the wrong place at the right time. This is really hard. Link to post Share on other sites
waytogo Posted May 26, 2011 Share Posted May 26, 2011 I feel like I probably will love her for years, because although I thought I'd been in love before, I'd never felt anything like this We had a long conversation this morning and both agreed it was time to stop. I also got insight into her motives. Her relationship isn't as perfect as she said, her sex drive is as high as mine and the same can't be said for her H who has to be begged into having (infrequent) sex, which she's internalized as herself not being attractive anymore. So I suppose we both found ourselves in the wrong place at the right time. This is really hard. Hi Blueskies, I promise it does get easier. A suggestion is to not give thought to what's right or wrong in her M. Whatever is going on there, she's staying in it. You've not heard her BH's side either; so what a person you've known for little more than a month now says about it while sneaking around... Focus on you. Look at the things you've achieved. Your weightloss, many people never achieve that goal. You were solid enough to deal with your depression, again, many people won't admit they have an issue with that. You weren't enjoying your situation as OM and you reached out to deal with that; and made the hard choice. You have everything you need to get through this and supporters as well. I truly believe you will feel happy and relieved you walked from this sooner than you may believe now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted May 26, 2011 Author Share Posted May 26, 2011 Hi Blueskies, I promise it does get easier. A suggestion is to not give thought to what's right or wrong in her M. Whatever is going on there, she's staying in it. You've not heard her BH's side either; so what a person you've known for little more than a month now says about it while sneaking around... Focus on you. Look at the things you've achieved. Your weightloss, many people never achieve that goal. You were solid enough to deal with your depression, again, many people won't admit they have an issue with that. You weren't enjoying your situation as OM and you reached out to deal with that; and made the hard choice. You have everything you need to get through this and supporters as well. I truly believe you will feel happy and relieved you walked from this sooner than you may believe now. I know that, I only mentioned it because one of the main things that was so troubling to me was that if everything was peachy at home why then was she telling me she loves me every night before she went to bed. The cognitive dissonance caused by knowing one thing and being presented with another in reality was too much for me to handle. Finding that out just really explained and clarified a lot of things for me and put the whole thing into perspective that I needed but didn't have. It's just who I am, as a research scientist, when I am faced with a complex problem or situation I am compelled to figure it out. I feel much more at ease knowing now the why behind the relationship. Interesting semi-related side note. My mom called an hour ago or so and asked why I sounded depressed so I figured since the whole thing was (hopefully) over anyway I could tell her without being judged too harshly. Not only did she not judge me for it, she was supportive... too supportive. When I inquired why she told me that my dad was still married to his first wife (he also had two kids) when they met and started dating. The parallel is completely blowing my mind right now. How ****ing random is that?? Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 (edited) *sigh* I will say that love is something that can't be controlled. Emotions are something that you can try to fight... There will be winners and losers. Many on here are in a bad place. I am in a really bad place but I put on a smile and think positively.. better days are coming. The despair you are feeling is the norm. We are humans who have feelings. Even if we are in the wrong our heart aches the same way as any other. You just have to hold on to the positive thought that throughout this one day we will be free of this hold someone has on us. Your mom sounds like a great woman. The circumstances she's been through might be helpful to you. I know it's not exactly the same but she knows at least the beginning of falling for someone that was not yours to love. All moms are supportive. They pick us up when we are on our knees. Try to just hold on to the thought that love is out there. All that love you have in your heart you can give to someone who will treasure you. Stay positive. Edited May 27, 2011 by Emme Link to post Share on other sites
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted May 27, 2011 Author Share Posted May 27, 2011 Easier said than done Link to post Share on other sites
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted May 27, 2011 Author Share Posted May 27, 2011 Listening to The Wall isn't helping my situation any either right now, lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 I was watching Harry Potter and Ron's stalker girlfriend got her feelings hurt when he said Hermione's name instead of hers ...there's a line that just broke my heart and made me laugh. Albus Dumbledore said "Oh, to be young and to feel love's keen sting." Damn... young or old. Just try to keep laughing.. sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted May 27, 2011 Author Share Posted May 27, 2011 I'm trying, not being very successful though Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 I feel like I probably will love her for years, because although I thought I'd been in love before, I'd never felt anything like this We had a long conversation this morning and both agreed it was time to stop. I also got insight into her motives. Her relationship isn't as perfect as she said, her sex drive is as high as mine and the same can't be said for her H who has to be begged into having (infrequent) sex, which she's internalized as herself not being attractive anymore. So I suppose we both found ourselves in the wrong place at the right time. This is really hard. nah, it's easy if you realize the logistics. she's feeding you info that affords you an opportunity to feel sorry for her, boost her ego and fill a void. now - her method of sharing her husbands VERY INTIMATE part of her marriage is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE! so - just imagine - you two are married - and she's typing YOUR sex life to another man! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? she's a betrayer. and you are participating. so stop it. unless YOU want your private life revealed to others - step away. she is showing her character... and it's not nice... all for her need to feed her ego. that is not loving behavior. I know that, I only mentioned it because one of the main things that was so troubling to me was that if everything was peachy at home why then was she telling me she loves me every night before she went to bed. The cognitive dissonance caused by knowing one thing and being presented with another in reality was too much for me to handle. Finding that out just really explained and clarified a lot of things for me and put the whole thing into perspective that I needed but didn't have. It's just who I am, as a research scientist, when I am faced with a complex problem or situation I am compelled to figure it out. I feel much more at ease knowing now the why behind the relationship. not much to figure out - you have a woman that needs an ego feed - she gets it by getting you to feel sorry for her... nothing healthy about that... she hooked you for what she needed... stop taking her bait. that's terrible she would express her love to you - while pretending to love her husband - IF it's that bad - she WOULD leave... but she doesn't. her actions tell anyone she is willing to stay. you know all this. face the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nothingbutblueskies Posted May 27, 2011 Author Share Posted May 27, 2011 nah, it's easy if you realize the logistics. she's feeding you info that affords you an opportunity to feel sorry for her, boost her ego and fill a void. now - her method of sharing her husbands VERY INTIMATE part of her marriage is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE! so - just imagine - you two are married - and she's typing YOUR sex life to another man! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT? she's a betrayer. and you are participating. so stop it. unless YOU want your private life revealed to others - step away. she is showing her character... and it's not nice... all for her need to feed her ego. that is not loving behavior. not much to figure out - you have a woman that needs an ego feed - she gets it by getting you to feel sorry for her... nothing healthy about that... she hooked you for what she needed... stop taking her bait. that's terrible she would express her love to you - while pretending to love her husband - IF it's that bad - she WOULD leave... but she doesn't. her actions tell anyone she is willing to stay. you know all this. face the facts. I know the facts, I've been aware of them since the day I realized I was falling for this woman. I've done nothing but read psychological journal articles about this sort of behavior for the last week. I've also figured out that I am essentially doing the same thing to her, I'm filling a void in my own life, so don't lecture me on the psychology. I don't regret having part in this affair in any way and I'd do it over again despite the agony if I could go back in time. I've learned a lot about myself as a person, some good and some bad. If I didn't have the need to understand **** (I wanted to be a psychologist for so long because I needed to understand what was going on in my mind, glad I didn't go down that road. I'd have gone insane, lol) I never would have found these things out. Not everyone does this sort of thing, she's not anymore aware of what she's doing than I was, sure those might very well be the reasons, but if she's oblivious to it she didn't exactly set out to crush me and break my heart, she's as ****ed up over this right now as I am. Does she have her own problems? Yes. Am I filling them for her? Most definitely. Am I doing the same thing to her? Yep. And how would I like it? If I were in the relationship with her she wouldn't feel ugly because she's ****ing gorgeous and I would tell her daily. If she had problems I would help her try to work through them. Would I care if she told people about my personal things? No because I am an open book. After my brush(es) with suicide a few years ago I realized that I could not internalize my emotions and as such I do not keep anything from people. I can't, which is partly why being involved in an affair was so difficult for me. All of this is mute though because it's over anyway. And sorry if I seem snappy, I'm not having a good day Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 people don't get defensive when there is nothing to get defensive about. learn from this... learn what NOT to do again. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted May 27, 2011 Share Posted May 27, 2011 If the risk of a woman's kids hating her occurs, then they'll stay with their husbands even if they HATE the husband's guts (bad idea IMO). If the kids wouldn't care, then she probably would have done it. I never understood why kids would be so upset if their mothers fell in love with another man that is not their father. I personally would only look out of the happiness of my mother. If she had told me she loved another man, I'd be the first to tell her to divorce daddy without guilt and pursue the man and to be happy. Just my two cents. Y2k, thanks for your thoughts on this. I too would think the kids would be happy for their mother but maybe they would see the situation as unhappy for the father. Maybe it is in situations like this that affairs happen. In my case neither one of us wanted to go down that road. Maybe she will contact me when the kids are grown hahaha. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted May 28, 2011 Share Posted May 28, 2011 Here's to hoping today was a better day for you. Try and do something fun this weekend. Whatever brings you joy. Keep that chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
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