Not enjoying being the OM

[BB07]

I suppose I should have clarified, I didn't mean like best friends. For one thing there is a 2 hour drive separating us. I meant remaining on good terms/being able to at least chat down the road once the smoke clears.

 

And secondly, I am friends with every person I have ever dated, no matter what happened in the relationship (and some of them have been pretty bad). I hold no grudges and erase no one from my life. Doing so might work for some, but it's something I will not do.

 

This is different that someone you dated........this was a affair and there are a whole lot of added complications. It's different that other relationships. Read around the forum, the stories of how people get sucked back in and how hard it is to go NC the longer it goes on.

 

Good luck!

[nothingbutblueskies]

Just a question. Is this husband of her's economically better than you??? OR does he have a higher status than you (more well known among people, big-title job, etc)??????

 

Because sometimes this is "woman code" for "I really love you but the advantages of still being married to my husband outweighs being with you. I'm too comfortable officially being his wife on paper, but my 'love' and 'attention needs' are filled by you".

 

How do you compare to the husband economically, job wise, status, etc???? This could be the key.

 

Yes there is a large financial gap, I'm a grad student and make very little, while he's got a stable career.

[y2k]

Just a question. Is this husband of her's economically better than you??? OR does he have a higher status than you (more well known among people, big-title job, etc)??????

 

Because sometimes this is "woman code" for "I really love you but the advantages of still being married to my husband outweighs being with you. I'm too comfortable officially being his wife on paper, but my 'love' and 'attention needs' are filled by you".

 

How do you compare to the husband economically, job wise, status, etc???? This could be the key.

 

Yes there is a large financial gap, I'm a grad student and make very little, while he's got a stable career.

 

Then I think we got down to the problem here. He's got a stable job, you don't.

 

Women love security. They cling to it. There are VERY FEW women who would go the poorer route for love.....VERY FEW. It's a reality. That's just the way they are. It's a bit pathetic but it's true.

 

If you get a stable career with money close or better than the husband, then I'll say you have a shot. If not, then sorry.

 

Maybe you can keep her around until you get a career??? And then once you have the career, you can take a stand, stating that you will only continue with her if she becomes your wife. But such an option is RISKY. Your heart will break should she say no, even with a good economic situation that you can provide her.

 

But I'm saying, with a stable career, you'll AT LEAST have a shot.

 

At this point it's your call. Good luck.

[SoMovinOn]

When I was single, I dated several married women. We'd spend time together, an attraction would develop... and things would go from there.

 

The first time she said she wanted to leave her H and be with me, I believed her, and we played that game for a while before I finally realized I just needed to walk away. That one was tough because I was all in.

 

After that, my rule was to just have fun and enjoy it while it lasted. When she got to the point of telling me she wanted to leave her H, my answer was always along the lines of "If you need to leave for you, leave, but don't count on me being here when that happens."

 

Another factor... the H found out about it almost every time, with just a couple of exceptions. In every case, either as soon as he found out, or some time later (once, over a year later), I'd get a phone call saying he was going to kick my ass, kill me... whatever. ... if you're not the type that can deal with that, don't even get started down that road.

[nothingbutblueskies]

Then I think we got down to the problem here. He's got a stable job, you don't.

 

Women love security. They cling to it. There are VERY FEW women who would go the poorer route for love.....VERY FEW. It's a reality. That's just the way they are. It's a bit pathetic but it's true.

 

If you get a stable career with money close or better than the husband, then I'll say you have a shot. If not, then sorry.

 

Maybe you can keep her around until you get a career??? And then once you have the career, you can take a stand, stating that you will only continue with her if she becomes your wife. But such an option is RISKY. Your heart will break should she say no, even with a good economic situation that you can provide her.

 

But I'm saying, with a stable career, you'll AT LEAST have a shot.

 

At this point it's your call. Good luck.

 

I was aware of this.

[Mimolicious]

Oh there was plenty of pain as it stood. Anytime her husband was mentioned it felt like a punch to my stomach, or if I knew he was home and she wasn't texting me as frequently as normal... Ugh, that anxiety is not fun.

 

And to address other posts:

 

BB07: Yes this happened in the span of a month (that's how long we've been chatting/texting/phoning daily), but we've been exchanging emails for 2. I had no intention of letting it come to the point it was at, it just happened.

 

waytogo: Thanks for the insightful reply!

 

Emme: I am 28.

 

Mimolicious: I hope she really exists, if she doesn't then I'd like to know who the hell I slept with :X

 

Sorry, I missed the part where you said been with her once.

[nothingbutblueskies]

lol no worries

[Emme]

I don't need a plan. Once I make my mind up about something it's done, as far as I am concerned we are just friends now. Yeah it hurts and I probably won't talk to her for a while, but it needs to be done. I refuse to make enemies in this life, I refuse to discard people for trivial reasons. Everything that happens is just another experience to put under your belt. If you meant how will I cope with the pain? Well I sing and I have multiple guitars, those are things that have gotten me through rougher times than this

 

 

NO..... YOU CAN'T REMAIN FRIENDS!

 

 

I am going to explain it as any other addiction. Pick liquor or cigarettes. If you plan on quitting a substance that is ailing you ..... you don't take sips or puffs. It's the same with an affair. I know you might think you have self control but you have to get her out of your system. That means she is a part of your past and that is where you have to leave her. You can't move forward with her. Its like your carrying a torch for her without knowing it. You are just in the beginning stages and you might think it means nothing but actually it does. If you can't let go completely you are in deeper than you thought.

[waytogo]

How are you today Nothingbut? You did the right thing and many here are relieved. Probably you are still reeling some, maybe even second guessing.

 

You can still come here if feeling weak or confused. Down the line, you could help someone else break free of an unhealthy situation.

 

I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like to know how you are doing.

[East7]

Just a question. Is this husband of her's economically better than you??? OR does he have a higher status than you (more well known among people, big-title job, etc)??????

 

Because sometimes this is "woman code" for "I really love you but the advantages of still being married to my husband outweighs being with you. I'm too comfortable officially being his wife on paper, but my 'love' and 'attention needs' are filled by you".

 

How do you compare to the husband economically, job wise, status, etc???? This could be the key.

 

Then I think we got down to the problem here. He's got a stable job, you don't.

 

Women love security. They cling to it. There are VERY FEW women who would go the poorer route for love.....VERY FEW. It's a reality. That's just the way they are. It's a bit pathetic but it's true.

 

If you get a stable career with money close or better than the husband, then I'll say you have a shot. If not, then sorry.

 

Maybe you can keep her around until you get a career??? And then once you have the career, you can take a stand, stating that you will only continue with her if she becomes your wife. But such an option is RISKY. Your heart will break should she say no, even with a good economic situation that you can provide her.

 

But I'm saying, with a stable career, you'll AT LEAST have a shot.

 

At this point it's your call. Good luck.

 

I agree with everything y2k said !

 

Most of women won't leave security and comfort for a guy who has nothing to support her, no matter how much they are in love. Sad but true...

 

They prefer to keep a provider and doormat husband instead of a jobless/student lover..Typical.

 

If you can have a career and make as much money as her H, yes you'll have a shot but until that day comes you will not want her anymore .

 

Ironic, isn't it?

 

Life is a b1tch..

[nothingbutblueskies]

How are you today Nothingbut? You did the right thing and many here are relieved. Probably you are still reeling some, maybe even second guessing.

 

You can still come here if feeling weak or confused. Down the line, you could help someone else break free of an unhealthy situation.

 

I'm sure I'm not the only one who would like to know how you are doing.

 

I am ok, feel kinda crappy as is to be expected. Swinging between being mad, depressed and "blah." Also with a few bouts of second guessing, haha. Thanks for the concern and I definitely will.

[waytogo]

I am ok, feel kinda crappy as is to be expected. Swinging between being mad, depressed and "blah." Also with a few bouts of second guessing, haha. Thanks for the concern and I definitely will.

 

Mad already? I'm impressed! It took me a while longer to see MM thought my life was to be lived as a convienence to him. He was to keep his comfort zone, I was to be loyal and available and quiet about it all.

 

He didn't really think these things through, I'm sure. His way of taking each part that worked best for him, and noone else showed that.

 

I also want to say the very next R (with a single guy) didn't work out, but it wasn't tragic. It was a way on the path.

 

The next one was it. If this one had been 40 more down the line, it would have been worth it. Please don't let any setback while moving on, take you back to this dead end. It sounds like you are doing great!

[nothingbutblueskies]

Mad already? I'm impressed! It took me a while longer to see MM thought my life was to be lived as a convienence to him. He was to keep his comfort zone, I was to be loyal and available and quiet about it all.

 

He didn't really think these things through, I'm sure. His way of taking each part that worked best for him, and noone else showed that.

 

I also want to say the very next R (with a single guy) didn't work out, but it wasn't tragic. It was a way on the path.

 

The next one was it. If this one had been 40 more down the line, it would have been worth it. Please don't let any setback while moving on, take you back to this dead end. It sounds like you are doing great!

 

Meh, perhaps not outright anger towards her or anything... Probably more confusion that manifested as anger. I'm being sincere when I say she wasn't flat out using me. I am a one girl sort of person, the idea of dating around when I am into someone else makes me feel sick, so I was the one saying I'd be only hers, she has said from the beginning she'd understand if I was dating other women (she also said she'd be hurt/jealous, but she'd understand because, well, she's married).

 

I don't overtly think she is using me, or taking advantage of me on purpose as many people seem to think is occurring. If anything we're using each other. She's never put expectations on anything, or told me to come over whenever she wants me to, granted we live 2 hours apart, but even still. Additionally, I've been the one being the most discreet about the whole ordeal, she's made a few posts on my facebook wall calling me sweetheart, etc... The fact we love one another (or are limerant, or whatever anyone wants to call it) seems to be more of a burden to both of us than any sort of act of convenience to either party.

 

So I don't know, I'm not sure if my situation is 'traditional' in terms of affairs, neither of us wanted to get into it and we had discussed this as it was happening, it just sort of unintentionally happened after we'd had several deep personal conversations.

[steed]

Hi just wanted to share my experience. Im an intelligent guy with reasonable self esteem, thought by friends to to be smart witty and charming. My involvement with a MW over a 10 month period nearly destroyed me and this is what i learned:

1. despite my smarts and all I had little respect for my emotional needs or myself as a person! That was the achilles heel that her radar loocked into - spoken or unspoken, acknowledged or unacknowledged. The day I snapped out of the relationship was the day i intuitively realised I deserved to be loved and respected back. She was stunnng and gorgeous, but no one put a gun to my head ro fall in love with her, my own lack of self love propelled me into a relationship that paid that attitude off.

2. The MW in the cold light of day was manipulative, controlling, an attention junkie who used people as toys that she could pick up and put away as the needs drove her, and a pathological liar! It tuned out that she had massive issues around intimacy and i suspect even now the only reason she had the much reported sxual problems with her hubby was that she refused him emotional intimacy.

3. The MW had zero moral character. She had no idea of right or wrong but an acute sense of what she liked and what she did not like. That value was her entire moral compass. It meant that she actually could never be trusted becuase her response to any tough issue was denial, lies, passive aggresion or obfuscation. Later i really wondered if she was in touch with reality at all or felt any real emotions.

4. I realised that any woman or man who is able to so effectively compartmentalise two totally seperate lives could never be trusted. They are lone wolves who answer only to their needs and personal expediency. To engage with such people draws you into their world of lies and deceit and by osmosis you are asked to enable this life and take on some of its characteristsics YOURSELF! a bit like the Munich syndrome where the hostages of terrorists actually become advocates for the terrorists.

 

Sorry , but I will walk away from this everytime in the future. The bottom line is - if you value yourself as a human being you deserve to live in the light not skulk around under the rocks supporting a liar cheat and moral lightweight. Anything based on honesty creates value. Anuyhting based on lies and deceit leads to perdition and loss!

 

Up to you dear friend!!

 

P

[secretlady76]

Hi just wanted to share my experience. Im an intelligent guy with reasonable self esteem, thought by friends to to be smart witty and charming. My involvement with a MW over a 10 month period nearly destroyed me and this is what i learned:

1. despite my smarts and all I had little respect for my emotional needs or myself as a person! That was the achilles heel that her radar loocked into - spoken or unspoken, acknowledged or unacknowledged. The day I snapped out of the relationship was the day i intuitively realised I deserved to be loved and respected back. She was stunnng and gorgeous, but no one put a gun to my head ro fall in love with her, my own lack of self love propelled me into a relationship that paid that attitude off.

2. The MW in the cold light of day was manipulative, controlling, an attention junkie who used people as toys that she could pick up and put away as the needs drove her, and a pathological liar! It tuned out that she had massive issues around intimacy and i suspect even now the only reason she had the much reported sxual problems with her hubby was that she refused him emotional intimacy.

3. The MW had zero moral character. She had no idea of right or wrong but an acute sense of what she liked and what she did not like. That value was her entire moral compass. It meant that she actually could never be trusted becuase her response to any tough issue was denial, lies, passive aggresion or obfuscation. Later i really wondered if she was in touch with reality at all or felt any real emotions.

4. I realised that any woman or man who is able to so effectively compartmentalise two totally seperate lives could never be trusted. They are lone wolves who answer only to their needs and personal expediency. To engage with such people draws you into their world of lies and deceit and by osmosis you are asked to enable this life and take on some of its characteristsics YOURSELF! a bit like the Munich syndrome where the hostages of terrorists actually become advocates for the terrorists.

 

Sorry , but I will walk away from this everytime in the future. The bottom line is - if you value yourself as a human being you deserve to live in the light not skulk around under the rocks supporting a liar cheat and moral lightweight. Anything based on honesty creates value. Anuyhting based on lies and deceit leads to perdition and loss!

 

Up to you dear friend!!

 

P

 

If this woman was as awful as you make out and gave you no emotional intimacy, how on earth did you fall in love with her?...or did you fall in love with her good looks and the physical intimacy she did allow you to enjoy?...or was it that you are so weak that she MADE you fall in love with her? I doubt she was the monster you have described here. Maybe you can get over her easier if you think of her as such....

[TMCM]

Consider the following. If she's capable of cheating on her husband, she's already proven TO YOU that she can do the same to you. How do you KNOW if she doesn't have another OM besides you?

[nothingbutblueskies]

Looks like y2k was right, just received a text saying "If I didn't have children I'd choose you." It's funny, I knew that would be the answer all along, but I don't think my heart truly broke until I heard it from the source.

 

Now if only there was a smiley face for that smile you try and keep on your face in order to appear strong after being utterly devastated, if for nothing more than to convince yourself it's not really as bad as it seems..

 

[waytogo]

Looks like y2k was right, just received a text saying "If I didn't have children I'd choose you." It's funny, I knew that would be the answer all along, but I don't think my heart truly broke until I heard it from the source.

 

Now if only there was a smiley face for that smile you try and keep on your face in order to appear strong after being utterly devastated, if for nothing more than to convince yourself it's not really as bad as it seems..

 

 

 

What happened?! I thought you broke it off because it was the right thing to do?

Honestly, what did you think was going to happen, what did you want? Were you ready to play stepdad to kids who resented you, even if they didn't know you involved yourself in their homelife as an OM. How good would this ever really be?

[carrie999]

Then I think we got down to the problem here. He's got a stable job, you don't.

 

Women love security. They cling to it. There are VERY FEW women who would go the poorer route for love.....VERY FEW. It's a reality. That's just the way they are. It's a bit pathetic but it's true.

 

If you get a stable career with money close or better than the husband, then I'll say you have a shot. If not, then sorry.

 

Maybe you can keep her around until you get a career??? And then once you have the career, you can take a stand, stating that you will only continue with her if she becomes your wife. But such an option is RISKY. Your heart will break should she say no, even with a good economic situation that you can provide her.

 

But I'm saying, with a stable career, you'll AT LEAST have a shot.

 

At this point it's your call. Good luck.

 

First point: not a fair statement. Maybe some women choose financial stability first, but if LOVE was the real question, I don't believe that most women would choose money over love.

 

Second point: terrible advice. You're only reinforcing the first point you made, which you stated was pathetic: that this woman would only choose him for money.

[nothingbutblueskies]

What happened?! I thought you broke it off because it was the right thing to do?

Honestly, what did you think was going to happen, what did you want? Were you ready to play stepdad to kids who resented you, even if they didn't know you involved yourself in their homelife as an OM. How good would this ever really be?

 

I did and I was doing fine or at least thought I was, it kind of hurt. Then I get that text out of the blue and it felt like the world fell apart. So I don't know.

 

And yeah, I was ready to play that role if it ever came to that. This whole situation has done nothing but confused me, hurt me and now, since receiving that text, start to hate everything about myself... which hasn't happened since I weighed as much as an elephant.

[BB07]

If this woman was as awful as you make out and gave you no emotional intimacy, how on earth did you fall in love with her?...or did you fall in love with her good looks and the physical intimacy she did allow you to enjoy?...or was it that you are so weak that she MADE you fall in love with her? I doubt she was the monster you have described here. Maybe you can get over her easier if you think of her as such....

 

Ahhh excuse me, I don't mean to speak for Steed (great post btw and my xmm was cut from much the same cloth). What Steed and I now know about people such as he described is certainly not evident at the start.

 

 

SL........I find it insulting on Steed's behalf and mine that you would imply that he is just making them a monster in order to get over them...........some people are monsters whether you believe it or not.

[y2k]

Then I think we got down to the problem here. He's got a stable job, you don't.

 

Women love security. They cling to it. There are VERY FEW women who would go the poorer route for love.....VERY FEW. It's a reality. That's just the way they are. It's a bit pathetic but it's true.

 

If you get a stable career with money close or better than the husband, then I'll say you have a shot. If not, then sorry.

 

Maybe you can keep her around until you get a career??? And then once you have the career, you can take a stand, stating that you will only continue with her if she becomes your wife. But such an option is RISKY. Your heart will break should she say no, even with a good economic situation that you can provide her.

 

But I'm saying, with a stable career, you'll AT LEAST have a shot.

 

At this point it's your call. Good luck.

 

First point: not a fair statement. Maybe some women choose financial stability first, but if LOVE was the real question, I don't believe that most women would choose money over love.

 

Second point: terrible advice. You're only reinforcing the first point you made, which you stated was pathetic: that this woman would only choose him for money.

 

My response to the first point:

 

I'll disagree. Most women would take the "security" or "status" over love. Not all though. But from what I've seen, most take the "security" route. But that's just an opinion of mine. For anyone reading: look around, observe and make up your own mind on that topic. But again, NOT ALL WOMEN will do that. But most will.

 

My response to the second point:

 

You're right. In a way it's terrible advice. But I just wanted to give the poster a bit of reality. If he had the economic security or status comparable or better than the husband, then he WOULD HAVE A SHOT.

 

My better advice would be to go find a better woman who'd take you for richer or for poorer. But I just wanted to give the guy another point of view that contained REALITY. Right now he may want the woman, so I just told him what it would take to get her. And reality is exactly what I stated.

 

She is in love with him, but will not leave the security/status of her current husband. It tells you the woman's character is not that great, but it's still a reality.

[y2k]

Looks like y2k was right, just received a text saying "If I didn't have children I'd choose you." It's funny, I knew that would be the answer all along, but I don't think my heart truly broke until I heard it from the source.

 

Now if only there was a smiley face for that smile you try and keep on your face in order to appear strong after being utterly devastated, if for nothing more than to convince yourself it's not really as bad as it seems..

 

 

Told ya.....

 

She could have still left him and forced the husband to pay child support, therefore assuring that the kids would be fine economically, but then she'd lose her "security" and "status" that she had from her husband.

[Silly_Girl]

My response to the first point:

 

I'll disagree. Most women would take the "security" or "status" over love. Not all though. But from what I've seen, most take the "security" route. But that's just an opinion of mine. For anyone reading: look around, observe and make up your own mind on that topic. But again, NOT ALL WOMEN will do that. But most will.

 

In my experience those who rate security/money higher are less in number than those that don't, but they seem to rate it much, much higher - as in, almost above all else.

[anne1707]

I am married and had an affair so actually KNOW why I chose to stay with my husband. Much of what is being said anout why this woman has chosen to stay with her husband is pure speculation - i.e. posters don't know why she stayed

 

Just a question. Is this husband of her's economically better than you??? OR does he have a higher status than you (more well known among people, big-title job, etc)??????

 

Because sometimes this is "woman code" for "I really love you but the advantages of still being married to my husband outweighs being with you. I'm too comfortable officially being his wife on paper, but my 'love' and 'attention needs' are filled by you".

 

How do you compare to the husband economically, job wise, status, etc???? This could be the key.

 

The ex-OM earned more than ny H and had a higher status job but this did not matter to me at all, I still chose my husband. I chose the bond he and I had even though I had caused a lot of damage to it because I knew it was where I wanted to be.

 

 

Looks like y2k was right, just received a text saying "If I didn't have children I'd choose you." It's funny, I knew that would be the answer all along, but I don't think my heart truly broke until I heard it from the source.

 

I do not have children. I was not "tied" to my husband through those kind of commitments. I still chose my husband. The children excuse may be just a line because how can you fault someone who says they want to protect their children.

 

First point: not a fair statement. Maybe some women choose financial stability first, but if LOVE was the real question, I don't believe that most women would choose money over love.

 

Now this I agree with. I did choose love. The love I had (and still have) for my husband is far greater than anything I felt for the ex-OM. There was only person who I saw myself with in the future and it was not the ex-OM.

 

I am not trying to defend the MW - far from it. But I detest these assumptions being made about women in that they choose money over love. I also know that the OP probably does not want to hear that the MW may actually love her husband more than she loved him but she quite possibly does. Yes, she is being selfish, cowardly, disrespectful, all whilst eating her cake. But she has a history with her H and a relationship there that in spite of her actions could actually have a good basis for success if she grew up and worked on it the way she should.