Not enjoying being the OM

[StarChick]

Just wanted to chime in with everyone else and say "Good Job!" on everything you've shared here.

 

As far as your feelings after getting that text, it's to be expected. You will have some ups and downs while you mourn the relationship, regardless of how short it was. What your feeling is natural and understandable. Let yourself feel it so you can get through it, if that makes sense.

 

Just don't let your guard down with her. You deserve better.

 

You sound like a nice, compassionate guy with a lot going for him. The *single* lady you end up with will be very fortunate. Keep on keepin' on, blueskies. Good luck!

[y2k]

I am married and had an affair so actually KNOW why I chose to stay with my husband. Much of what is being said anout why this woman has chosen to stay with her husband is pure speculation - i.e. posters don't know why she stayed

 

 

 

The ex-OM earned more than ny H and had a higher status job but this did not matter to me at all, I still chose my husband. I chose the bond he and I had even though I had caused a lot of damage to it because I knew it was where I wanted to be.

 

 

 

 

I do not have children. I was not "tied" to my husband through those kind of commitments. I still chose my husband. The children excuse may be just a line because how can you fault someone who says they want to protect their children.

 

 

 

Now this I agree with. I did choose love. The love I had (and still have) for my husband is far greater than anything I felt for the ex-OM. There was only person who I saw myself with in the future and it was not the ex-OM.

 

I am not trying to defend the MW - far from it. But I detest these assumptions being made about women in that they choose money over love. I also know that the OP probably does not want to hear that the MW may actually love her husband more than she loved him but she quite possibly does. Yes, she is being selfish, cowardly, disrespectful, all whilst eating her cake. But she has a history with her H and a relationship there that in spite of her actions could actually have a good basis for success if she grew up and worked on it the way she should.

 

I just want to ask something. Not to insult or judge AT ALL. If you loved your H, why did you get in the A???? Was it that at the time you didn't love your H anymore and "wondered off"??? Or was it just that you had "needs" that were not being met at the time??? Again not to insult or judge, I just want to know???

 

Because I personally have seen plenty of women who fall out of love with their husbands, hate them to death, got plenty bored with them, fell in love with another guy (who happens to be poorer or lesser status), and still chose the husband even while hating his guts and LOVING the other person. The one constant I see in those situations is that the husband has money or power. The other guys didn't. So I just ask. Not to judge you at all.

[y2k]

I am married and had an affair so actually KNOW why I chose to stay with my husband.

 

And just one more question if I may:

 

If you had legitimately fallen in love with your OM, would you have been capable to have gone with him instead of your husband?????

[John Michael Kane]

And just one more question if I may:

 

If you had legitimately fallen in love with your OM, would you have been capable to have gone with him instead of your husband?????

 

She had a 3-year affair with the guy. And her own husband cheated too.

[Noregret]

So I started talking with a married woman online a month or so ago. I was immediately attracted to her, but told myself she was off limits due to being married with a family. But somewhere between then and now we kind of fell for one another and now I think I am going insane.

 

I feel as though I have rationally thought out every aspect of this, weighed the pros (if there even are any) and cons and I still cannot make myself walk away, despite knowing damn well that I should. It feels like if I don't follow this out to some sort of natural end I will regret it for the rest of my life, because there's something about her (as well as the connection between us) that is making me incapable of moving on.

 

She's the most intriguing and beautiful woman I've ever known and I feel if the connection between us wasn't so strong the decision to drop it would have been made a long time ago. We've been together once physically and both agree that the sexual chemistry between us is beyond belief, so that's not exactly helping either. I know it isn't fair to myself to keep putting my heart out there to be broken, but I can't stop myself from doing it.

 

Can anyone offer some advice, insight, tough love or just tell me to stop being weak and do what I know needs to happen. I will never ask her to leave her husband (of ten years). I care for her too much to do that, and beside ultimately it's her decision anyway, not mine. She says she never will leave him all the while telling me how much she loves me. She also tells me that it's killing her for cheating on him because there wasn't anything wrong with their marriage (sexually or intimately) before this happened. I know everything about this screams for me to get out, but I cannot seem to do it.

 

Don't tell me what I want to hear, tell me what I need to hear for better or for worse.

 

Same Same Same Same Same experience! It used to make me wonder n number of times of why he is even spending time with me?? Especially, if all is well at home... What it used to and sometimes still does hit me like a punch when a) he talks or mentions his wife AND b) when his wife calls or vice versa and I have to hear him say "I love you.." It gets worse, when you were with the person 3 mins ago and as soon as his wife calls, you realize that you are an outsider.

 

My exMM was CRYSTAL CLEAR in his actions that he loves his W and that he is never leaving her. Me on the other hand, had been in love for 3 years, but never said a word to him. When he found out, he told me that he liked me for a year but because of his marriage situation and work, he couldn't say anything.. sounds odd. Yeah I did hear all the s**t about I feel bad/guilty etc. but it went back to square one EVERY SINGLE TIME for good 8 months. Weakness was on my part as well. But once he drew the line, I became distant. And he tried to mend things, but I had, had it this time. After 1st breakup, I was not ready to live under fear of HIM walking in and out on me whenever he pleases! It is the most destructive feeling. I am glad you stopped it even before it started to get out of hand. I have to live with seeing him EVERY SINGLE DAY - coz we work together...

 

Understand one thing - the sexual chemistry is amazing because - you don't know when you will be together next time and for how long? AND you don't know if he/she will start to blow hot/cold when they see you next time. AND because you wonder, if this is going to be your last time together with him/her? Its all fear!!!!! That is why you want to live that moment to the optimum!

 

Mine has been married for 8 years, but don't forget the courtship years.. all that adds up. Don't let them have their cake and eat it too...

[Noregret]

Same Same Same Same Same experience! It used to make me wonder n number of times of why he is even spending time with me?? Especially, if all is well at home... What it used to and sometimes still does hit me like a punch when a) he talks or mentions his wife AND b) when his wife calls or vice versa and I have to hear him say "I love you.." It gets worse, when you were with the person 3 mins ago and as soon as his wife calls, you realize that you are an outsider.

 

My exMM was CRYSTAL CLEAR in his actions that he loves his W and that he is never leaving her. Me on the other hand, had been in love for 3 years, but never said a word to him. When he found out, he told me that he liked me for a year but because of his marriage situation and work, he couldn't say anything.. sounds odd. Yeah I did hear all the s**t about I feel bad/guilty etc. but it went back to square one EVERY SINGLE TIME for good 8 months. Weakness was on my part as well. But once he drew the line, I became distant. And he tried to mend things, but I had, had it this time. After 1st breakup, I was not ready to live under fear of HIM walking in and out on me whenever he pleases! It is the most destructive feeling. I am glad you stopped it even before it started to get out of hand. I have to live with seeing him EVERY SINGLE DAY - coz we work together...

 

Understand one thing - the sexual chemistry is amazing because - you don't know when you will be together next time and for how long? AND you don't know if he/she will start to blow hot/cold when they see you next time. AND because you wonder, if this is going to be your last time together with him/her? Its all fear!!!!! That is why you want to live that moment to the optimum!

 

Mine has been married for 8 years, but don't forget the courtship years.. all that adds up. Don't let them have their cake and eat it too...

 

 

OK I missed the part about her texting you. Just one advise - DON'T PAY ATTENTION! This is like keeping one foot in the door. Over lunch I just heard my xMM talk about how someone was bothering his wife when he was not around. AND he would call cops or beat the guy up for her if it happened in his presence ever again. Made me want to throw up, but the fact is, no matter what they say - they are mostly happy in their marriages. Sex might not be "everyday" or as "passionate" like you have in an affair, but it is still happening. They are still intimate, still sleeping together and have a life together. Do you want to spend your days and nights and midnights thinking what she might be doing when she is not with you?? I don't think so. I've been through it and the anxiety is destructive! Just disregard the text. Remember, relationship might not be equal, but it has to be reciprocal. And you do not deserve to be a secret in anyones lives.

[anne1707]

I just want to ask something. Not to insult or judge AT ALL. If you loved your H, why did you get in the A???? Was it that at the time you didn't love your H anymore and "wondered off"??? Or was it just that you had "needs" that were not being met at the time??? Again not to insult or judge, I just want to know???

 

I am not going to get into all the why did I do this or that because that is not the subject of this thread and all that has been dealt with through both IC and MC. I have always loved my husband though so that was defintely not the reason.

 

 

 

Because I personally have seen plenty of women who fall out of love with their husbands, hate them to death, got plenty bored with them, fell in love with another guy (who happens to be poorer or lesser status), and still chose the husband even while hating his guts and LOVING the other person. The one constant I see in those situations is that the husband has money or power. The other guys didn't. So I just ask. Not to judge you at all.

 

I can't imagine hating my husband. If I ever felt that level of negativity about him, I would end the marriage - just as he would want me too. Money and power are not an issue to me.

 

 

And just one more question if I may:

 

If you had legitimately fallen in love with your OM, would you have been capable to have gone with him instead of your husband?????

 

What do you mean "legitimately"? My feelings for the ex-OM were real - I was in the fog but I am not going to deny I ever had real feelings. Seeing as that is how I felt and I still chose my husband, does that answer your question.

[nothingbutblueskies]

I am not going to get into all the why did I do this or that because that is not the subject of this thread and all that has been dealt with through both IC and MC. I have always loved my husband though so that was defintely not the reason.

 

Well, to be fair, you did offer your story within the context of the thread. And as someone who's on the other side of that fence, desperately trying to look over to the other side so I can try and understand what the hell is happening and save my own sanity, I'd like to ask if you'd indulge us.

[anne1707]

O.K., then "why" did you stay with your husband? You don't actually say "why" you stayed with him, and if that reason existed for staying with him after the affair, why it didn't exist before the affair, and what made it important enough to choose him after the affair, but not to avoid having the affair in the first place?

 

I suggest you go back and re-read my post because as far as I am concerned I did state why I stayed with my husband. I love him and always have. There were other problems in the marriage which we have since both addressed together.

 

Was it some change in your husband? Example: Perhaps he was an abusive alcoholic, you felt angry, so had an affair. Then he got treatment, became a changed man, so you didn't need the affair any longer?

 

Absolutely not the case. My husband is a good man. If you are so bothered, you can read my threads from years ago and you will see that I have never blamed my husband for what I did.

 

She said why she stayed--"for the children." But it's naiive to believe that the husband's ability to support, or contribute to the lifestyle, of the cheating wife is not a significant factor. I'll believe that it's not when women stop going to the shopping mall.

 

This sounds like a misogynist talking to me with the implication that women are only interested in money and shopping. All I said about her reason is that might just be a line she has used so she does not have to tell him that the reason she has not left is because she doesn't want to.

 

It was just a coincidence that you chose to have an affair with someone who just happened not to be a poor man, and was higher status professionally than your husband?

 

My husband is not a poor man either and is not low in status. The ex-OM and I were colleagues - and before you ask, he and I were peers in both earnings and status.

 

Sounds like a standard case of hypergamy to me, you might want to look that word up if you don't already know what it means.

 

Maybe you should look up "condescension". Seeing as I have stated above the ex-OM and I were of same status and earnings, your argument is lost. Then add in the fact that my husband is taller, younger, fitter, more attractive.... (and yes, I do wonder what on earth I saw in the ex-OM in hindsight).

 

No, you chose your affair partner over your husband when you made the decision to have your affair, and to stay in the affair if it was long term; and you haven't said what motivated your choice to have the affair; but then your choice to NOT have the affair.

 

I agree I made a dreadful choice in having the affair but thankfully I found my way out of that mess. Again my motivations are not for debate as that is between my H and I and has been resolved.

 

 

There's still no explanation of why if that bond was so strong and compelling you cheated in the first place. Why did you break that bond for a while during your affair, then suddenly you decided you wanted it again?

 

You do repeat yourself a lot

 

Children are expensive to raise, and even if a woman wants a new lover, that doesn't mean she wants the OM to replace her husband in the "fatherhood" role. She might not love him as a spouse anymore but may still realize he is a perfectly good father. She may also realize her OM is not up to the task of fathering another man's children, either. It's ironic that an ex-cheater doesn't acknowledge a practical reason for staying in a relationship--the kids.

 

I agree that she could be staying for those reasons. But why is it so difficult to understand that she may be staying because she doesn't want to leave because in many ways she is happy with her husband. A WS will lie to the AP about the state of their marriage and imply things are bad when they are not or will at least lie by omission and not correct wrong assumptions made by the AP (which is what I did). As for your supposed take on what is ironic, I did not "not acknowledge" a practical reason. I was trying to say that her reason may not actually be practical. Only she knows the real reason. Your guesses are only as good as mine seeing as she is not posting on here to tell her version.

 

So where did your great love for your husband go during your affair? Can you turn it on and off like a light switch? If so, maybe it's not as great of a love as you want to portray it. I guess that would depend on the circumstances of your affair and how your affair ended.

 

Ah, repetition again. No I did not ever stop loving my husband. But I was in thick affair fog where I had totally lost sight of everything including me. Also, I would like to point out that I have not tried to portray how I feel as some "great love" as you put it (and in a way that sounds rather patronising). What I feel is real love - just like hopefully every person feels for their partner in life.

 

 

Why not? You obviously made a choice in the first place to deviate from your marriage and have the affair. What made you change from being an affair-driven person to renouncing that attitude?

 

What on earth makes you say "affair-driven"? That makes it sound as if I went looking for any old OM regardless. And "renouncing my actions"? You make it sound like some kind of epiphany I had. Life and relationships are not as black and white as that.

 

IOW you are defending the MW. Understandably so, since you were once in her position. You still identify with the cheater, not the faithful spouse, which is troubling coming from someone who now claims to be fidelity-minded.

 

How can what I said be possibly construed as defending the MW???? All I did was post about alternative reasons for choices made in staying in the marriage. That does not provide any justification whatsoever for having an affair. As for identifying with the cheater, you make it sound as if I support her over her husband. If you look back at my posts, you will see that as far as I am concerned, it is not the OW/OM or BS who deserve the flak, it is the WS. They are the one who is using and abusing others.

 

It's not that they choose "money over love." Cheaters often try to choose both, from multiple people--their affair partner and their spouses. Each fulfills needs of the cheaters. It's called "cake eating" as I'm sure you must know. It's sort of ridiculous for you to refuse to acknowledge that MANY women like the support they feel by remaining married to their husbands but having a sexual fling on the side for the excitement they feel is missing from their home lives.

 

Yes, I do know about cake eating and if you looked at my first post I even said that this is what I did. And where did I refuse to acknowledge that many/some/any women like the support they get from both their H and the H? The MW may love her husband, she may want him just for security. She may just want the AP for sex/excitement, she may love him. It could be a whole myriad of reasons and nothing I posted said otherwise.

 

Typically a cheater is a narcissistic individual who is only concerned about their own feelings. If she really loved either the OP or her husband she wouldn't be having an affair. If she loved her husband fully, she wouldn't cheat on him. And if she loved the OP, she would respect him enough to tell him to go find his happiness with an honest, available female.

 

Well I actually do agree with you on this.

 

Cheaters first and foremost are users and since you are an ex-cheater and I am not, we probably wouldn't agree on what "love" is anyway.

 

We probaly won't agree because my version of love includes forgiveness.

 

So you do know what a cake eater is. Naturally.

 

Sigh.... yes.... re-read my post again.....

 

 

The reality is that cheaters are first and foremost selfish people who don't really care about the feelings of others. Which means that for all OP knows he could be one of multiple Other Men that this woman is cheating on her husband with.

 

For myself, yes I was selfish. Did I care about the feelings of others? Yes! You may not believe that but I agonsied over the fact that I knew that whatever happened as a result of my actions, people other than me were going to get hurt. In the aftermath of my affair, I felt terriblel guilt for what I had done.

 

 

Wow that's the kind of love I think I could personally do without, most likely.

 

Suits me fine. I could personally do without your kind of love too.

[BB07]

Well, to be fair, you did offer your story within the context of the thread. And as someone who's on the other side of that fence, desperately trying to look over to the other side so I can try and understand what the hell is happening and save my own sanity, I'd like to ask if you'd indulge us.

 

Just in case you didn't know, you can click on someone's name and view all their prior posts. That might help you understand Anne's pov if she doesn't come back and clarify.

[anne1707]

Well, to be fair, you did offer your story within the context of the thread. And as someone who's on the other side of that fence, desperately trying to look over to the other side so I can try and understand what the hell is happening and save my own sanity, I'd like to ask if you'd indulge us.

 

I do understand your reasons for asking but can I suggest that if you want any insight, that you look at my first threads on LS. You will see that I was all over the place and in a mess which might be something you can relate to in how your MW is behaving.

 

However I do not want to discuss reasons here because it is all very personal to both my H and I and seeing as he also posts on LS, out of respect to him there are some things I will now not post about. Neither of us are living in the past.

 

I will add that after dday, I went through IC and we both went through MC to deal with problems in the marriage building up to my affair as well as ofcourse all the fallout from it.

[FightClub]

Nothingbutblueskies,

 

 

I was the exOM in the life of a MW once, met online through a video game, developed and nurtured something that was at the time an incredible feeling after a year of communication and ended after it became a physical affair.

 

The pain I felt was immense and it took a lot of introspective work and improvement on myself to move forward but I will say the fact that you are in the process of ending it now will save you so much pain in the future.

 

Look past the emotions, the feelings and be content with you, continue to work on what is already inside. You've done very well with your physical changes, keep moving forward and eventually this will be in your past, brotha.

 

And to Anne1707,

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story and explaining in detail more about your former life in the affair, I know it's not easy looking back but I really enjoyed learning how you dealt with it and the feelings during that time and I'm equally happy you were able to reconcile with your husband.

 

It took me awhile as a exOM to feel confident that all the decisions, both for me and for her were right to end it. Thank you again for sharing!

 

-FC

[anne1707]

DufenSchmertz

 

This thread is not about me. If I posted the answers you wanted, it would be a t/j and not relevant to the opening post. I am not going to give in to your demands. Why on earth should I! The only person I am accountable to is my husband.

 

You can choose to believe whatever you want about me but don't for one minute assume you will be right - I have a strong feeling you won't be. However if I feel that you are attacking me or insulting me, I will have no hesitation in reporting you.

 

As for nothingbutblueskies' questions, I suggested he looked at my threads when I joined LS - something you can do if you are really so bothered about me.

[BB07]

DufenSchmertz

 

This thread is not about me. If I posted the answers you wanted, it would be a t/j and not relevant to the opening post. I am not going to give in to your demands. Why on earth should I! The only person I am accountable to is my husband.

 

You can choose to believe whatever you want about me but don't for one minute assume you will be right - I have a strong feeling you won't be. However if I feel that you are attacking me or insulting me, I will have no hesitation in reporting you.

 

As for nothingbutblueskies' questions, I suggested he looked at my threads when I joined LS - something you can do if you are really so bothered about me.

 

 

Sorry for the t/j but it's in regards to DufenSchmertz long, long post and all those questions he asked you. It reminds me of about a year ago when troggleputty started on Samantha with his relentless comments and questioning of her. It was one of the strangest things I've ever saw on here.....it was like he was fascinated with her. If I'm not mistaken she had to report him for stalking her here on LS. Me thinks this is troggleputty's new persona. Beware!

[BB07]

It's funny, some one else on another thread recently accused some other guy ("nordic") of being someone else, too.

 

If there's something specific I've posted that you feel is inappropriate, you are free to call that out or report it to a moderator if need be. Since I didn't post anything out of line at all, I'm not worried about that.

 

I do have to question you making a gratuitous attack on me/false accusation that I am some other poster. You have no basis for that and it's completely out of line on your part.

 

 

I explained my suspicions in my reply to Anne and there was/is a basis for it or I wouldn't have said it. If I was/am wrong I apologize but I'm curious so here goes, have you been on LS previously under another name?

 

No I don't see a need to report you at this time.

[Frank13]

My response to the first point:

 

I'll disagree. Most women would take the "security" or "status" over love. Not all though. But from what I've seen, most take the "security" route. But that's just an opinion of mine. For anyone reading: look around, observe and make up your own mind on that topic. But again, NOT ALL WOMEN will do that. But most will.

 

 

This is interesting Y2k. I knew a married woman once, that I wanted to get involved with. She developed feelings for me. She would tell me how she admired me, how smart I was, how she respected me, how I made here laugh, how she was happy and felt secure around me. She also had severe financial problems. I made more than double what her husband did ($61,000 vs $27,000) and told her that her financial problems would disappear if she was with me. She said she knew that, yet she never got involved with me. She felt her kids would hate her for leaving their father and she couldn't deal with that, so I walked away. In her case it seems the kids outweighed everything else.

 

I'd be interested in your take on this.

Edited May 23, 2011 by Frank13

[Mimolicious]

This is interesting Y2k. I knew a married woman once, that I wanted to get involved with. She developed feelings for me. She would tell me how she admired me, how smart I was, how she respected me, how I made here laugh, how she was happy and felt secure around me. She also had severe financial problems. I made more than double what her husband did ($61,000 vs $27,000) and told her that her financial problems would disappear if she was with me. She said she knew that, yet she never got involved with me. She felt her kids would hate her for leaving their father and she couldn't deal with that, so I walked away. In her case it seems the kids outweighed everything else.

 

I'd be interested in your take on this.

 

I agree Frank. I am one of those that won't take "security" over anything that really matters. I can beef up on my own "security". (duh! I do now). What I do see is that a lot of men that I know, find it hard to be with a woman that they can't offer this "security" to because she got her own. It's like a battle of the sexes...

[Frank13]

I agree Frank. I am one of those that won't take "security" over anything that really matters. I can beef up on my own "security". (duh! I do now). What I do see is that a lot of men that I know, find it hard to be with a woman that they can't offer this "security" to because she got her own. It's like a battle of the sexes...

 

That's interesting Mimolicious. At first I didn't know of her financial problems so providing security was not something I felt I needed to do for her.

 

So for you, what really matters? Is it love? Anyone else here not get involved in an affair due to the kids?

[Wandaland]

She also tells me that it's killing her for cheating on him because there wasn't anything wrong with their marriage (sexually or intimately) before this happened.

 

It used to make me wonder n number of times of why he is even spending time with me?? Especially, if all is well at home... What it used to and sometimes still does hit me like a punch when a) he talks or mentions his wife AND b) when his wife calls or vice versa and I have to hear him say "I love you.."

 

What I don't understand is if these people are so happy with their spouses (romantically, sexually, intimately, etc.) and they love their spouses so much, then why would they cheat on them? That's what I don't get! Can someone please help me understand this? Because it just doesn't make any sense to me at all!

[Frank13]

What I don't understand is if these people are so happy with their spouses (romantically, sexually, intimately, etc.) and they love their spouses so much, then why would they cheat on them? That's what I don't get! Can someone please help me understand this? Because it just doesn't make any sense to me at all!

 

I wonder this too, because I am not happily married and would leave my wife before cheating on her. Maybe the difference is that if the marriage is ok, they don't want to leave but want their cake and eat it too. For me the oppportunity of an affair would be the push I need to end the marriage,

[nothingbutblueskies]

Ok.. Everyone was right. I am willing to admit I was wrong in saying that I could stay just friends. This have escalated and now I feel more alone than I ever have in my life and am on the verge of having a panic attack. I hate my life.

[Emme]

Nah you love your life. That's why you decided to come here and tell us about your problems. You are at least taking the steps to stop this before it happens long term. I wasn't as wise as you. Just remember to breathe and if you feel those strong emotions and need to cry, let it out. :bunny:HUG:bunny: It will get better.

[nothingbutblueskies]

Nah you love your life. That's why you decided to come here and tell us about your problems. You are at least taking the steps to stop this before it happens long term. I wasn't as wise as you. Just remember to breathe and if you feel those strong emotions and need to cry, let it out. :bunny:HUG:bunny: It will get better.

 

Thanks. The weird thing is, I've been gun-in-hand suicidal before and it didn't feel nearly as lonely as this. I've had 2 panic attacks since posting last.

[John Michael Kane]

I agree Frank. I am one of those that won't take "security" over anything that really matters. I can beef up on my own "security". (duh! I do now). What I do see is that a lot of men that I know, find it hard to be with a woman that they can't offer this "security" to because she got her own. It's like a battle of the sexes...

 

It's not that they can't offer that "security" it's just that those women who have the "security" are arrogant and disrespectful to the man who's trying to come at them romantically; boasting about how they don't need a man while they're in the car sitting next to one.

[Emme]

Thanks. The weird thing is, I've been gun-in-hand suicidal before and it didn't feel nearly as lonely as this. I've had 2 panic attacks since posting last.

 

Are you on any meds for a panic attack? Remember to breathe and walk around the house and shake your limbs. I get them also and its no fun at all. The suicidal situation is scaring me so if you have a friend to call... do it now. Even a hotline number to talk with someone about how your feeling. They will listen. How are you feeling now?