Not your typical case of cheating...

[drifter777]

This is long but these stories usually are. I have been a fairly active poster over the past couple months as I continue to recover from my wife's cheating. We married very young (she was 17, I was 18) although each of us had a few sexual relationships in high school. We had been dating a few months when she got pregnant and we both decided we wanted the child and that we should get married. It was a great decision to keep the child, but a very bad decision to marry. While we were both quite mature for our ages (I had been living on my own since age 16), we were just too young and didn't know what we were getting in to. We tried hard and had many ups and downs. The baby grounded us and gave us a reason to try and make it work. After 6 years of stress, we decided to separate. I blamed the marriage for problems I was having with anxiety and panic attacks and wanted to change my life. After about 3 months, we decided to give our marriage another try and I moved back home. I hadn't dated of had sex with anyone during our separation. She went out with an old flame a few times but told me that nothing happened because the old feelings were gone. I believed her because there was no reason to lie and I wouldn't have thought of it as cheating since our intentions at that time were to divorce. Over the next couple of months things were better and I thought we had made the right decision to give our marriage another try. She had a vacation planned with her parents & family that was booked while we were separated so I didn't go with her. I stayed with our son for the week that she was gone. I picked her up at the airport when she returned and I immediately felt something was wrong. I pressed her and she told me that she had met someone and that our marriage was over and I should move out right away since that person was driving to move in with her in our apartment. I was stunned. Shocked. I was able to drive her home & drop her off and I told her I'd pick up my things some other time. I then parked the car and cried. I'm a really tough guy but this was a real punch in the gut. I called my brother for a place to stay and he welcomed me for as long as I needed. I was a zombie for a few days and then I decided I wasn't going to just roll over and die so I called my wife and told her I wanted to see my son and pick up my things. My heart was broken and I felt so betrayed but I refused to let this crush my spirit and believed that time would pass and I would heal. Two weeks later I was dropping my son off after our weekend together and my wife asked me to come in. I didn't see the OM's car around so I obliged her. I should point out that I was an ex-boxer and all-around tough guy and the temptation to beat the **** out of the OM was strong, but I truly didn't blame him at that point in time. This was all on my wife and I didn't want to beat up some guy just because he wanted to get laid. Anyway, when I came in she acted very different and wanted to hug me and I was standing there, again, in shock. She told me she had sent the guy packing and that she now knew that she loved me and only me and that she wanted me to move back home right now. More shock on my part. I had been through hell for the past 3 weeks and was determined to tough it out and put this cheating slut out of my mind forever. But now she was crying and telling me she loved me and wanted only me and please, please come home. I caved. I was so sick and tired of hurting and it just felt good to have her love me and want me. I thought about waking up and playing with my son every day and it felt good. She was all over me and we were in the bedroom within a few minutes having sex. When we were finished she told me that she had been with two guys. One was a ONS and the other the guy she "fell" for and allowed to move in with her. She told me that the experiences were great for her in that she learned a lot about herself and sex with other people and how lucky she was to have me. Absolutely zero remorse because in her mind we were still separated so she had license to screw around as much as she wanted to. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. I was really confused because it felt like cheating up to the point she told me "she met someone" and asked me to leave. The whoring around she did on vacation knowing that I was dutifully taking care of our child and household was wrong. When I told her how I felt she would have none of it and told me that it was an important "awakening" for her and that it was my problem if I couldn't understand that. I told her I wasn't sure I could live with what she had done but that I would try to see it from her perspective. I reminded her that I had not dated or screwed anyone since the day we met and that what she did seemed wrong to me. She finally did apologize for hurting me, but didn't see it as cheating and believed it was a positive learning experience for her. Over the years that followed this became more and more of a problem for me. She stuck to her view of the story for many years and told me to "get over it" countless times. As any BS knows, we would love to "get over it" but it's simply not something that you can ignore for very long. So I would keep my feelings under wraps as long as I could and then something would trigger them and we would have the same fight over and over again. I became more and more ashamed of myself for not leaving her once I got over the shock of it all and realized what she had done. I was angry that I cared for this woman enough to swallow the hurt, anger and outrage and considered suicide many times. The fact that she was true to me from then on and has been a good mother to our children only complicates the situation. All facts point to her truly believing she did nothing wrong screwing these guys as a valuable "learning experience". Her half-hearted apologies for "hurting me" never meant a thing to me because she simply was not sorry for what she had done and didn't see it as wrong.

 

Now it's been thirty years and this wound has not healed. I began seeing a psychologist a couple years ago and finally began to talk about this even though I still feel a tremendous amount of shame along with the anger and hurt. My Dr. has assured me that in her practice she has seen many people who struggle with their partners infidelity for years. That "surviving" infidelity is a process with many ups and downs over a very long period of time. That the BS may believe they have dealt with the situation and forgiven the WS and years later something can trigger all the emotions again and the pain, anger and shame wash over the person in waves. I now am quite direct with my wife and have told her that she was selfish, uncaring, and callous when she decided to experience sex with other men while we were married. It has been a difficult issue because it is not what I would call "typical" infidelity and that has made it more difficult for both of us to work on. We have now cut through the bull**** and she realizes that what she did was selfish, hurtful and, most importantly, wrong. She even admits that she fought the idea that it was cheating because she thinks of herself as a good person who would never do anything so horrible. She tells me it is hard for her to admit the truth, but that she knows it was wrong and is now sorry for what she did. The problem for me remains believing her. I think that now she would say anything to keep me from divorcing her. I have decided that if I am not able to find some inner resolution to this within the next few months that I am going to either leave her. So, that's my story and welcome any feedback.

[ver13]

No one ever forgets, but one can forgive other people's wrong's. You have been with her for quite awhile since the A's happened. IMO you have to continue to work with your C to work these issues out for your own well being. Let's face it she may truly never see it the way that you see it and how could she. We are all different and that's a good thing, just work on how you saw it and what it mean't to you and you can find some peace for yourself. In the end that's all you can do anyway, if you can't get over it then get away from the cause of it...leave her. But keep in mind that whatever you choose to do your not in this alone she may have something to say about it herself and it can't hurt to listen if you've been with her for 30yrs if I got the timeframe right.

[washguy74]

There's so much to this.

 

I reminded her that I had not dated or screwed anyone since the day we met and that what she did seemed wrong to me.

 

I believe the bolded is how things should be. But is that a guarantee for success? Of course not. But there's something special about your romantic lives starting (with each other) and ending (with everyone else) from that first kiss. Are you still mourning that romantic loss?

 

I became more and more ashamed of myself for not leaving her once I got over the shock of it all and realized what she had done. I was angry that I cared for this woman enough to swallow the hurt, anger and outrage and considered suicide many times.

 

That dichotomy of feelings - love/attraction and hate/repulsion - can be almost too much to bear, for a mind to reconcile. I think that's where the suicide thoughts come from - it's a riddle that can't be solved, so we want to end its contemplation. I can't imagine how powerful those feeling could be in a situation like yours, where your WIFE said "Move out, someone new is moving in", then quickly changed her mind.

 

But I will say if the hate/repulsion hasn't dissipated naturally after all these years, I question how much love/attraction is really there to conquer it.

 

The fact that she was true to me from then on and has been a good mother to our children only complicates the situation.

 

That I don't get. It seems like that would ameliorate the situation. She's yours. You're the love of her life, she's spent decades with you, created children with you.

 

All facts point to her truly believing she did nothing wrong screwing these guys as a valuable "learning experience". Her half-hearted apologies for "hurting me" never meant a thing to me because she simply was not sorry for what she had done and didn't see it as wrong.

 

She got laid a couple times, then created this learning experience angle to keep integrity with her own SELF. I guess she couldn't do that, and give you the apology you needed at the same time.

 

Thirty years later, it's like you still want to author her apology for her. I do think forgiveness could've been expedited if she'd been more empathetic to your pain instead of focusing on her own path. But if she'd really cared about your pain, she wouldn't have created it to begin with.

 

I do think 30 years of non-forgiveness is too long though. If you couldn't get past it through therapy, or any other means by now, you really should have let her go. To hold that grudge, that grievance for so long, while loving her enough to keep her, is - with a word you like to use - wrong. If you let her go, do it as much for her as you are doing it for yourself. And help her recover in divorce the way she didn't help you recover in marriage.

[drifter777]

I appreciate the thoughtful feedback. One thing I would like to make clear is that the time-frame is really, really not a factor. Whether it's been 30 months or 30 years has no bearing because all of us face the traumas of our past when we are ready and not 1 second before. Avoidance, denial, repression - all of these are coping mechanisms that can work for some period of time. If you are not lucky enough to die before these forms of coping stop working then you are finally going to have to face the issue head on. And you cannot do that until you are ready, and I guess I'm finally ready.

[DufenSchmertz]

You should get your now-adult child to go for a DNA test.

 

The timing of the pregnancy, along with your wife's eagerness to hook up with the so-called "old flame," is very suspicious.

 

In your story, you didn't make a connection between the stresses you were feeling which led to your separation, and any thing your wife may have been doing without your knowledge, yet could have contributed to stress in the marriage.

 

Maybe your wife had been cheating with the old flame prior to the separation, and that's why you felt all that stress. Maybe the old flame is the real father.

 

You don't remember everything from 30 years ago, you wouldn't have been attuned to how cheaters behave. She was a liar and could easily have been banging this guy for quite a at the beginning of your marriage. Then when she thought she could get him back, she acted in a way which created stress, then made you think the separation was your own idea. Then bingo, time to replace you with the "old" flame.

 

Of course she tried, but maybe he got tired of her after a couple of weeks--she was old meat to him, but he got some bangs in, but decided he didn't want to live with a wh*re after all. So now all of a sudden she's single again but with a child. Ooops! "Oh honey please come back to me I made a mistake kicking you out" but with zero remorse for cheating on you.

 

You know there's a lot more to this story than she's ever told you, and THAT's why you're still not over it after all these years.

 

She's hiding a really BIG secret, she's been hiding it for 30 years.

 

The DNA test will give you the answer.

[John Michael Kane]

You should get your now-adult child to go for a DNA test.

 

The timing of the pregnancy, along with your wife's eagerness to hook up with the so-called "old flame," is very suspicious.

 

In your story, you didn't make a connection between the stresses you were feeling which led to your separation, and any thing your wife may have been doing without your knowledge, yet could have contributed to stress in the marriage.

 

Maybe your wife had been cheating with the old flame prior to the separation, and that's why you felt all that stress. Maybe the old flame is the real father.

 

You don't remember everything from 30 years ago, you wouldn't have been attuned to how cheaters behave. She was a liar and could easily have been banging this guy for quite a at the beginning of your marriage. Then when she thought she could get him back, she acted in a way which created stress, then made you think the separation was your own idea. Then bingo, time to replace you with the "old" flame.

 

Of course she tried, but maybe he got tired of her after a couple of weeks--she was old meat to him, but he got some bangs in, but decided he didn't want to live with a wh*re after all. So now all of a sudden she's single again but with a child. Ooops! "Oh honey please come back to me I made a mistake kicking you out" but with zero remorse for cheating on you.

 

You know there's a lot more to this story than she's ever told you, and THAT's why you're still not over it after all these years.

 

She's hiding a really BIG secret, she's been hiding it for 30 years.

 

The DNA test will give you the answer.

 

I mostly agree. Dude you gotta take action.

[Hanther]

The child is an ADULT. He RAISED it. The kid is his, whether biologically or not. I don't think a DNA test would help the situation.

 

And to the OP - I just want to say that the time frame does matter. You have made your wife believe that you could get over this. But if you can't, you have wasted 30 years of both of your lives. Honestly I think that is more wrong than what she did!

 

What she did was wrong, but she was young and dumb and confused. She eventually gave you the apology that she should have given you from the start. What else could she possibly do to make you realize that she made a mistake? She has been faithful to you for more than 20 years. I think she has more than proven herself.

 

If you can't get over it you need to get out now and stop wasting even more of your (and her) time.

Edited May 18, 2011 by Hanther

[carrie999]

Wait- what am I missing? Was she involved with someone else before or after your separation? If I'm getting the full picture, it sounds like you had a child together when you were young, and separated for three months six years later, and when you reconciled, she told you she had been involved with someone else. That's hurtful, but it sounds like she was honest. Unless I missed something huge, it sounds like she's remained honest for the past 36 years.

 

Not downplaying your hurt feelings, drifter, but she hasn't given you a reason to doubt her. It's not exactly cheating when you're separated and haven't made the decision together not to date anyone else. Separation is the last step before actually divorcing and comes with conditions for reconciliation. If your conditions were "no dating," then I can understand why you are having a hard time with the fact that she lied and cheated. Likewise, if you didn't set parameters and you didn't sleep with anyone else but she did and you found out later (she didn't come clean), I would see that as cheating, too. Otherwise, whether or not it was a blow to you to find out she was involved with someone else, she wasn't cheating on you.

[Lucky_One]

You should get your now-adult child to go for a DNA test.

 

The timing of the pregnancy, along with your wife's eagerness to hook up with the so-called "old flame," is very suspicious.

 

The child was already about 6 years old when the separation and her involvement with other guys took place.

 

 

 

OP, I am unsure if the 30 years you mention is the length of your marriage, or the length of time that you have been with her post-separation - but you know what? It doesn't matter.

 

Honestly, I am surprised that you have held onto this anger and unresolved forgiveness for so incredibly long. You say that she has been an excellent wife and mother for 30 years or so, and you have spent that time - the greatest balance of your lives - angry and fighting over something.

 

I guess I see that people sometimes make horrible and tragic mistakes, and that there often is simply is nothing left to do but to forgive them and to move past the anger and pain.

 

Of the people I know who are serious grudge-holders and who "have a list" of the people who will never be forgiven, they tend to be angry, pessimistic and unhappy people, personality-wise, anyway. How would you consider your personality to be? How would your friends characterize you?

[John Michael Kane]

The child is an ADULT. He RAISED it. The kid is his, whether biologically or not. I don't think a DNA test would help the situation.

 

And to the OP - I just want to say that the time frame does matter. You have made your wife believe that you could get over this. But if you can't, you have wasted 30 years of both of your lives. Honestly I think that is more wrong than what she did!

 

What she did was wrong, but she was young and dumb and confused. She eventually gave you the apology that she should have given you from the start. What else could she possibly do to make you realize that she made a mistake? She has been faithful to you for more than 20 years. I think she has more than proven herself.

 

If you can't get over it you need to get out now and stop wasting even more of your (and her) time.

 

Sorry the "young, dumb, and confused" doesn't fly in the real world.

[John Michael Kane]

Wait- what am I missing? Was she involved with someone else before or after your separation? If I'm getting the full picture, it sounds like you had a child together when you were young, and separated for three months six years later, and when you reconciled, she told you she had been involved with someone else. That's hurtful, but it sounds like she was honest.

 

Doesn't matter if she was honest. It doesn't minimize the hurt.

 

Unless I missed something huge, it sounds like she's remained honest for the past 36 years.

 

Yea right. Or maybe swept it under the rug.

 

Not downplaying your hurt feelings, drifter, but she hasn't given you a reason to doubt her. It's not exactly cheating when you're separated and haven't made the decision together not to date anyone else.

 

Uh sorry it still is cheating because you're still married.

 

Separation is the last step before actually divorcing and comes with conditions for reconciliation. If your conditions were "no dating," then I can understand why you are having a hard time with the fact that she lied and cheated. Likewise, if you didn't set parameters and you didn't sleep with anyone else but she did and you found out later (she didn't come clean), I would see that as cheating, too. Otherwise, whether or not it was a blow to you to find out she was involved with someone else, she wasn't cheating on you.

 

Whatever you can try and phrase it all you like to try and minimize what she did but it doesn't change a thing that this woman was dishonest and cheated on this man and possibly got knocked up by some other punk.

[drifter777]

The child was already about 6 years old when the separation and her involvement with other guys took place.

 

 

 

OP, I am unsure if the 30 years you mention is the length of your marriage, or the length of time that you have been with her post-separation - but you know what? It doesn't matter.

 

Honestly, I am surprised that you have held onto this anger and unresolved forgiveness for so incredibly long. You say that she has been an excellent wife and mother for 30 years or so, and you have spent that time - the greatest balance of your lives - angry and fighting over something.

 

I guess I see that people sometimes make horrible and tragic mistakes, and that there often is simply is nothing left to do but to forgive them and to move past the anger and pain.

 

Of the people I know who are serious grudge-holders and who "have a list" of the people who will never be forgiven, they tend to be angry, pessimistic and unhappy people, personality-wise, anyway. How would you consider your personality to be? How would your friends characterize you?

 

Yes, our child was 6 when all this happened. I'm not sure how that got confused but it is a long post...

 

My friends characterize me as a kind, caring person who is devoted to my family. I have always been cynical and find it difficult to trust people. I am not an unhappy person and none of my friends or family would use that label to describe me.

 

I believe that for many BS's the cheating incident can cause a sort of PTSD reaction. That is you are able to function at a mostly normal level except for those times when the horrible pictures of your spouse and the other person come crashing into your head and you re-live the incident over again. For some of us the shock and pain of the betrayal is more than we can process so we find other ways to cope rather than facing reality. If there is one thing I'd like people to take away from my story it's that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this kind of betrayal. There is only what works for you at the time. You do whatever you can to make it through another day and you don't worry about tomorrow until you have to. If you are a BS and believe your marriage has survived and that you've forgiven your WS then that's great for you and I wish you all the best. Not all of us have gotten there yet, and many of us never will. It doesn't mean we are stupid or are not trying hard enough, I think it means we're just more damaged than you.

[DufenSchmertz]

The timeline is that OP and spouse got married in their late teens. It sounds like what used to be called a "shotgun wedding."

 

Plenty of women get preggo by one man, panic, and get married to a different guy if the actual father isn't or doesn't seem willing to get married to them. The cuckold often remains clueless.

 

If so, that's not a good foundation for the marriage. They can stick it out for a few years but then the strains begin to show.

 

The red flags for me are 1) she wanted to get back with an "old flame" 2) she was ready to move in a new man to be the family's "daddy" right away 3) she was totally remorseless about having sex with multiple other guys during the separation.

 

Now tell me, how likely it is that some random dude she just happened to pick up during the separation would even contemplate moving into her household and playing the "daddy" role? There has to be more of a connection there then him simply being a random guy she met during her vacation. (Was the vacation "back home" with the folks?)

 

Also, blaming the 30 years of inability to heal on the OP is not fair to him. All the important facts have never been laid out on the table. The air has never really been cleared. Cheaters usually cover up way more than they disclose. When the cheater boldly indicates that they have no remorse, then rest assured, there is something really BIG that the wife has been hiding for 30 years.

 

No it might not be the parentage of the child. OP should put that on the table anyway. Tell his wife he doubts the child's parentage, if only to seriously rattle her cage. See what this woman says. Maybe after 30 years she will confess to other conduct, or by her reaction, indicate to the OP that she's still covering up.

[ladydesigner]

The child is an ADULT. He RAISED it. The kid is his, whether biologically or not. I don't think a DNA test would help the situation.

 

And to the OP - I just want to say that the time frame does matter. You have made your wife believe that you could get over this. But if you can't, you have wasted 30 years of both of your lives. Honestly I think that is more wrong than what she did!

 

What she did was wrong, but she was young and dumb and confused. She eventually gave you the apology that she should have given you from the start. What else could she possibly do to make you realize that she made a mistake? She has been faithful to you for more than 20 years. I think she has more than proven herself.

 

If you can't get over it you need to get out now and stop wasting even more of your (and her) time.

 

 

What a great post. I totally agree with this. To have gone on 30 years like this is mind boggling to me.

[drifter777]

The timeline is that OP and spouse got married in their late teens. It sounds like what used to be called a "shotgun wedding."

 

Plenty of women get preggo by one man, panic, and get married to a different guy if the actual father isn't or doesn't seem willing to get married to them. The cuckold often remains clueless.

 

If so, that's not a good foundation for the marriage. They can stick it out for a few years but then the strains begin to show.

 

The red flags for me are 1) she wanted to get back with an "old flame" 2) she was ready to move in a new man to be the family's "daddy" right away 3) she was totally remorseless about having sex with multiple other guys during the separation.

 

Now tell me, how likely it is that some random dude she just happened to pick up during the separation would even contemplate moving into her household and playing the "daddy" role? There has to be more of a connection there then him simply being a random guy she met during her vacation. (Was the vacation "back home" with the folks?)

 

Also, blaming the 30 years of inability to heal on the OP is not fair to him. All the important facts have never been laid out on the table. The air has never really been cleared. Cheaters usually cover up way more than they disclose. When the cheater boldly indicates that they have no remorse, then rest assured, there is something really BIG that the wife has been hiding for 30 years.

 

No it might not be the parentage of the child. OP should put that on the table anyway. Tell his wife he doubts the child's parentage, if only to seriously rattle her cage. See what this woman says. Maybe after 30 years she will confess to other conduct, or by her reaction, indicate to the OP that she's still covering up.

 

There is no question on the paternity of the child. The "old flame" in question was a guy she broke up with before we met and he was in Viet Nam when we began having sex and she got pregnant. The timeline isn't there so stop barking up that tree because there's nothing there. Believe me, if I had even the slightest suspension regarding paternity I would already have done the DNA testing. I appreciate your feedback but the real situation is complicated enough just as it is and many of your suggestions are along the lines of a conspiracy theory but are groundless in fact.

[drifter777]

What a great post. I totally agree with this. To have gone on 30 years like this is mind boggling to me.

 

PTSD has no time limit, and that's what this is for me. I think a major reason for much of the disagreement on this forum is that there are varying degrees of devastation suffered by the BS. It's not a contest like "I was hurt more than you" but rather it speaks to the very core of the BS's being. Some people are better adjusted, emotionally, and are able to deal with a cheating spouse more rationally than others. If a person has already suffered from major trauma during childhood like death of a parent, physical/sexual abuse, or abandonment then they are likely to be more fragile than someone who has lived a relatively "normal" childhood. A person who has been damaged likely has difficulty trusting others at all and marriage for that person can be like an emotional life-raft in that they believe they have found the one person they can trust to love, honor and cherish forever and who will never betray them. When they discover the betrayal it destroys their world and reinforces that they are "unlovable" and that they were stupid for trusting the WS in the first place. Some of you reading this can relate and identify with what I'm saying. To those of you how can't, I'm happy that you are well adjusted enough to not get it...but please stop criticizing because it has taken "so long" and all the "30 years is a long time" crap. It's just as offensive to me as saying "just get over it". If that's really your message than you simply don't understand or won't accept the complexities of the human mind. You all can learn something from this if you open your minds and try.

[Mimolicious]

ALL THAT after 30 yrs??? Dayum! You have already kinda missed the bus, train, boat and now you have the scooter to ride.

 

I am assuming you are in your early 50's? (no pun)

 

If you couldn't walk away and rebuild your life then, you think is easier now? I wonder where this will go.

[ladydesigner]

PTSD has no time limit, and that's what this is for me. I think a major reason for much of the disagreement on this forum is that there are varying degrees of devastation suffered by the BS. It's not a contest like "I was hurt more than you" but rather it speaks to the very core of the BS's being. Some people are better adjusted, emotionally, and are able to deal with a cheating spouse more rationally than others. If a person has already suffered from major trauma during childhood like death of a parent, physical/sexual abuse, or abandonment then they are likely to be more fragile than someone who has lived a relatively "normal" childhood. A person who has been damaged likely has difficulty trusting others at all and marriage for that person can be like an emotional life-raft in that they believe they have found the one person they can trust to love, honor and cherish forever and who will never betray them. When they discover the betrayal it destroys their world and reinforces that they are "unlovable" and that they were stupid for trusting the WS in the first place. Some of you reading this can relate and identify with what I'm saying. To those of you how can't, I'm happy that you are well adjusted enough to not get it...but please stop criticizing because it has taken "so long" and all the "30 years is a long time" crap. It's just as offensive to me as saying "just get over it". If that's really your message than you simply don't understand or won't accept the complexities of the human mind. You all can learn something from this if you open your minds and try.

 

Oh I understand the PTSD thing. I am a survivor of childhood abuse. Unfortunately I do not have that blind trust for people and never did because of my past abuse, so when I discovered my H's infidelity it was not a major shock. I felt nothing but anger, so much so that I thought I needed a revenge affair (big mistake). Anyways , I am more or less numb now which is not good either. I think it is easy for me to distance myself from my emotions.

 

I will take my post back as I do not want to offend you, I just think 30 years is a lot of years to punish yourself. I am very sorry.

[Mimolicious]

BTW, My message is not "get over it because it has been 30yrs". It's just weird that after sooooo long (that is almost as much as I have been alive) you are sounding like you want out.

 

On that note. THE HECK WITH IT! LIVE YOUR LIFE! (I guess. Better? )

[drifter777]

Oh I understand the PTSD thing. I am a survivor of childhood abuse. Unfortunately I do not have that blind trust for people and never did because of my past abuse, so when I discovered my H's infidelity it was not a major shock. I felt nothing but anger, so much so that I thought I needed a revenge affair (big mistake). Anyways , I am more or less numb now which is not good either. I think it is easy for me to distance myself from my emotions.

 

I will take my post back as I do not want to offend you, I just think 30 years is a lot of years to punish yourself. I am very sorry.

 

Yes, I also was numb and was able to distance myself from my emotions for many years. One of the points I am trying to make is that this behavior is a coping mechanism that enables a person to not face reality and actually deal with their feelings. The thing is, it may stop working for you some day as it has for me. Something inside me has awakened to the fact that "coping" is not really living. I no longer consider myself a survivor of childhood abuse because I'm no longer coping with it, I have resolved that horror to my satisfaction and am at peace with it. The defense mechanism's I had in place served me well as a child, but as an adult they only caused me to become numb to life. I decided some time ago that I wanted to live a real life - complete with joy and pain - because I believe that I will be a happier, more fulfilled person. Your coping mechanisms may work better for you than mine did for me, but someday you may decide that being numb is not really living and you want to FEEL life again. Getting back to being a normal, feeling person is a difficult process and will take you just as long as it takes. No timetable.

[ladydesigner]

Yes, I also was numb and was able to distance myself from my emotions for many years. One of the points I am trying to make is that this behavior is a coping mechanism that enables a person to not face reality and actually deal with their feelings. The thing is, it may stop working for you some day as it has for me. Something inside me has awakened to the fact that "coping" is not really living. I no longer consider myself a survivor of childhood abuse because I'm no longer coping with it, I have resolved that horror to my satisfaction and am at peace with it. The defense mechanism's I had in place served me well as a child, but as an adult they only caused me to become numb to life. I decided some time ago that I wanted to live a real life - complete with joy and pain - because I believe that I will be a happier, more fulfilled person. Your coping mechanisms may work better for you than mine did for me, but someday you may decide that being numb is not really living and you want to FEEL life again. Getting back to being a normal, feeling person is a difficult process and will take you just as long as it takes. No timetable.

 

This may be true and like you said time will tell. I believe we can start over at any age. If you think leaving now is the right thing to do I wish you the best of luck. I do not think anyone should be miserable.

 

If I feel that way in 20 years I will probably do the same. I am trying to give my H the benefit of the doubt right now. We are very compatible and are good friends if anything. I know I am not perfect and neither is he. I love him for his good qualities and have to deal with the bad.

 

I am currently in IC and have been discussing a lot of my childhood sexual abuse and infidelity and it has really been helping me.

 

I know a lot of my reasoning for staying with my H was at first because of the kids and I did not want them to be a product of a divorced family, especially if mom and dad were still getting along. I do not know how I will feel 20-30 years from now. I can only hope that I have made the right decision to fight for my M.

[ladydesigner]

I am also hoping to break through this feeling of numbness. It is a coping mechanism for sure. I too want to feel alive again.

[drifter777]

I am also hoping to break through this feeling of numbness. It is a coping mechanism for sure. I too want to feel alive again.

 

You don't know how big a step simply acknowledging the coping mechanisms as a "false life" really is. It's the hardest step in the process and you seem well on your way to getting there. Hang in there, a real life is worth the fight.

[Hanther]

PTSD has no time limit, and that's what this is for me. I think a major reason for much of the disagreement on this forum is that there are varying degrees of devastation suffered by the BS. It's not a contest like "I was hurt more than you" but rather it speaks to the very core of the BS's being. Some people are better adjusted, emotionally, and are able to deal with a cheating spouse more rationally than others. If a person has already suffered from major trauma during childhood like death of a parent, physical/sexual abuse, or abandonment then they are likely to be more fragile than someone who has lived a relatively "normal" childhood. A person who has been damaged likely has difficulty trusting others at all and marriage for that person can be like an emotional life-raft in that they believe they have found the one person they can trust to love, honor and cherish forever and who will never betray them. When they discover the betrayal it destroys their world and reinforces that they are "unlovable" and that they were stupid for trusting the WS in the first place. Some of you reading this can relate and identify with what I'm saying. To those of you how can't, I'm happy that you are well adjusted enough to not get it...but please stop criticizing because it has taken "so long" and all the "30 years is a long time" crap. It's just as offensive to me as saying "just get over it". If that's really your message than you simply don't understand or won't accept the complexities of the human mind. You all can learn something from this if you open your minds and try.

My post, in no way, told you to "get over it." I understand how hard it is. Trust me, I've been there.

 

My point is that there is NOTHING more she can do to show you that she can be true to you. From what you have said, it sounds like this was a one-off thing. She is a good person who was not behaving like herself and made a huge mistake. It was very wrong, but she obviously really did learn from it. She should have apologized for it immediately so that you could both move past it, but it took her longer than it should have. She has since apologized and admitted that she was wrong. She has been faithful to you for over 20 YEARS. There is NOTHING more you could ask from her.

 

So if you leave her now, you have done something MUCH worse to her than what she did to you (IMO). You have wasted the better part of her life. Yours too. And this is coming from someone who has been cheated on, so I know the pain it brings.

 

I just don't understand what you could possibly be asking from her now. You need to seriously figure out what it would take for you to move past this. Then take steps to overcome it, or get out of the marriage so that you AND your wife can move on and spend what life you have left with someone else.

 

I just don't get what you are looking for here. Your wife has given you everything you need to get over this. Your problems are your own now. I feel for you, I really do. And I empathize. But there is nothing any of us can do for you. You need a really good counselor to get to the bottom of why you can't let this go.

 

By the way - (and I do not mean this offensively) please use paragraphs.

[drifter777]

I just don't understand what you could possibly be asking from her now. You need to seriously figure out what it would take for you to move past this. Then take steps to overcome it, or get out of the marriage so that you AND your wife can move on and spend what life you have left with someone else.

 

As I have mentioned, I have been in therapy for a few years and am actively working on this issue. I'm not sure you understand that it's not always possible to "figure out what it takes to move past this". Working through issues takes time and ultimate resolution may never occur.

 

I just don't get what you are looking for here. Your wife has given you everything you need to get over this. Your problems are your own now. I feel for you, I really do. And I empathize. But there is nothing any of us can do for you. You need a really good counselor to get to the bottom of why you can't let this go.

 

By the way - (and I do not mean this offensively) please use paragraphs.

 

 

I beg to differ regarding my wife's role in my struggle to forgive. I don't believe she truly believes that what she did was wrong. Her words are meaningless because her prior actions can't be erased. I believe she is telling me what she thinks I need to hear but that she has not accepted responsibility for what she did.

 

She needs to find a way to convince me she knows that what she did was wrong and the hurt she caused was due to her purely selfish actions. She has to stop lying to herself that she gained valuable experience when what she did was hurtful, immoral, and reckless.