Not your typical case of cheating...

[nyrias]

I beg to differ regarding my wife's role in my struggle to forgive. I don't believe she truly believes that what she did was wrong. Her words are meaningless because her prior actions can't be erased. I believe she is telling me what she thinks I need to hear but that she has not accepted responsibility for what she did.

 

She needs to find a way to convince me she knows that what she did was wrong and the hurt she caused was due to her purely selfish actions. She has to stop lying to herself that she gained valuable experience when what she did was hurtful, immoral, and reckless.

 

If what you says is true, then i think you have essentially the following two options:

 

1) leave her and try to put it behind you.

2) swallow the hurt, stay with her and knowing that she probably will believe that she cheated.

 

I highly doubt after so many years, she will suddenly turn around and change her mind, despite what she says. Unfortunately, those seem to be your only two options.

[DufenSchmertz]

Third Option:

 

Insist she take a lie detector test so you can ask her if there have ever been any other times she cheated on you (but never told you about).

 

Given her attitude, if she ever had the opportunity--and in 30 years, I'm sure she did have the opportunity--cheating isn't wrong, therefore, she could well have cheated much more than OP is aware.

 

If she refuses to take the lie detector, you have your answer.

[drifter777]

Third Option:

 

Insist she take a lie detector test so you can ask her if there have ever been any other times she cheated on you (but never told you about).

 

Given her attitude, if she ever had the opportunity--and in 30 years, I'm sure she did have the opportunity--cheating isn't wrong, therefore, she could well have cheated much more than OP is aware.

 

If she refuses to take the lie detector, you have your answer.

 

Really? A lie detector test? I'm starting to think you are just trolling around throwing around garbage for laughs. If that's the case, please stop as there are serious issues being discussed. If not then please see a doctor as you may be insane.

[DufenSchmertz]

Really? A lie detector test? I'm starting to think you are just trolling around throwing around garbage for laughs. If that's the case, please stop as there are serious issues being discussed. If not then please see a doctor as you may be insane.

 

Not trolling at all. A lie detector test is a pretty standard recommendation where a betrayed spouse is lacking in trust for his cheating spouse. If she passes, it will go a long ways to putting to rest your insecurities...if she fails...you know something that you didn't.

 

By the way your over the top reaction to my perfectly reasonable suggestion indicates that you are way over sensitive to even the suggestion that your spouse has committed additional cheating and lied about it. That's the only real explanation for why you can't put this behind you after 30 years--you've never had proper closure. A lie detector test is a way to get the closure that you need.

[Snowflower]

I agree with drifter on this one. You would have to get the WS to actually submit to a LD test first.

 

Of course, the tests are quite unreliable...they are not used as proof in court proceedings for that reason.

 

I would have never even bothered to suggest it to my WS. I wouldn't have believed the results anyway.

[DufenSchmertz]

I agree with drifter on this one. You would have to get the WS to actually submit to a LD test first.

 

Of course, the tests are quite unreliable...they are not used as proof in court proceedings for that reason.

 

I would have never even bothered to suggest it to my WS. I wouldn't have believed the results anyway.

 

Hey it's up to drifter what he does or doesn't do--it's just a suggestion. But notice how vociferously hostile he was to the suggestion--obviously because I implied exactly what he fears--that his wife has cheated more than just the times he knows about.

 

In any event, oftentimes when confronted with the request to take a lie detector test, the wayward spouse will react in such a manner that divulges useful information, even if the test is never taken. One example is the utter refusal to take such a test. Why refuse, if there is nothing to hide? Second is the so-called "parking lot confession" where the test is scheduled, and the wayward spouse spills their guts right before the test to avoid having to take it.

 

But the key factor here is drifter's outrage at the very suggestion--it indicates that HE is afraid of what the outcome of such a test might be.

[fltc]

The child is an ADULT. He RAISED it. The kid is his, whether biologically or not. I don't think a DNA test would help the situation.

 

You are absolutely correct BUT.... from a medical standpoint, a DNA test might be worthwhile if there were any suspicion the OP were not the father.

 

Apparently he has no reason to suspect that but it couldn't hurt anything and just possibly might help relieve some of his concerns because we do know the woman is not truthful and who knows what else may be undiscovered?

[DufenSchmertz]

You are absolutely correct BUT.... from a medical standpoint, a DNA test might be worthwhile if there were any suspicion the OP were not the father.

 

Apparently he has no reason to suspect that but it couldn't hurt anything and just possibly might help relieve some of his concerns because we do know the woman is not truthful and who knows what else may be undiscovered?

 

Demanding a DNA test would definitely knock her off the pedestal and would shake her up, even if nothing ever gets done. If it makes her angry, out of spite, she might decide to tell him some other stuff that he doesn't know about.

[drifter777]

But the key factor here is drifter's outrage at the very suggestion--it indicates that HE is afraid of what the outcome of such a test might be.

 

Really not outraged at all. I think you are a troller just goofing around and if you are not, then I do think you are crazy.

[DufenSchmertz]

Really not outraged at all. I think you are a troller just goofing around and if you are not, then I do think you are crazy.

 

Since this is the second time you have referred to me in defensive, derogatory terms for making a pretty standard suggestion in cases of infidelity, it's incumbent on you to explain what exactly you think about my suggestion (not me, personally) is "crazy."

 

You're the one who remains disconcerted by your wife's infidelity, of which you are aware only incidents which occurred decades ago.

 

Why does the mere notion of having a DNA test of your child(ren), or asking your wife to take a polygraph compel you to be nasty and insulting to others who are trying to help you? That's defensiveness with a capital D on your part.

 

 

If you have done any reading on infidelity then you would realize that unremorseful cheaters quite frequently conceal much more than they disclose, and disclose only the bare minimum they think they can get away with. Much infidelity is never discovered at all, and some cheaters try to take their biggest secrets "to the grave."

 

Your wife showed absolutely no remorse for cheating on you, at least the cheating which you know about.

 

Instead of stewing in your own juices for another 10, 20, or 30 years, and lashing out at yourself, your wife, and others, why don't you actually try to do something constructive? A DNA test is one of those things; so is a polygraph. At the very least, your mere request for these things would show your wife that you are still extremely troubled by what she did, and she can't sweep it under the rug any longer.

 

If it makes you feel better to keep calling other people who just want to help you nasty names, then go right ahead and do so, it doesn't really affect me one way or the other. I don't think that's going to help you or your marriage, however.

[TMCM]

DufenSchmertz,

 

You may be right about the cheating but keep in mind that no amount DNA testing or poligraph testing will address or resolve his emotional healing.

 

His decision to remain married or divorce is something that he will have to live with it for the rest of his life. Something you, I and others here giving him advise will not have to deal with.

[John Michael Kane]

DufenSchmertz,

 

You may be right about the cheating but keep in mind that no amount DNA testing or poligraph testing will address or resolve his emotional healing.

 

But it could possibly bring out more secrets his wife has been keeping from him. He deserves to know regardless.

 

His decision to remain married or divorce is something that he will have to live with it for the rest of his life. Something you, I and others here giving him advise will not have to deal with.

 

Of course, but the man has a right to know, regardless if it was over a century ago.

[TMCM]

DufenSchmertz,

 

So as to avoid hijacking this thread, please read the thread I created titled 'Polygraph testing'

[TMCM]

DufenSchmertz

 

How a message is delivered can often be as important as the message itself. If your message was perceived as agenda driven, then it becomes subject to being dismissed.