I'm selfish- I don't like being #2 to my boyfriends kids.

[Breezie]

Hi there.

 

First off- I'm 28 years old, andI am recently divorced.\

After my husband left me, I started going out with girlfriends. I met a guy while out and about that I really connected with, and in October, we started dating. This guy is 36, was married for 15 years, and has 2 preteen kids.

I have never dated anyone divorced, let alone someone with kids, so this is a whole new ballgame to me.

 

As an only child, I tend to be a bit selfish. I've always been #1 to my parents, when I was married, we didn't have kids, so I was my ex's #1.

Now that I'm dating my boyfriend (for the last 6 months) I've had to adapt and fall into the #2 postition. I get it. The kids were there before me, that will never change, I will always be #2. That's just the way it is. But I don't think I WANT to be #2. I've never had the desire to have children. I never planned on having them. I always wanted to be able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

 

I have never met my boyfriend's kids. I'm not really sure I want to meet them yet, since I"m having these feelings, but I really feel like if I want to really know him, I need to meet the kids.

 

His and my time together is limited- our work schedules are opposite, so the only time we get to see eachother is Saturday and Sundays (if he doesn't have the kids) Lately, it's been basketball season, so he goes to every game regardless of if it's his days or not. So that means if it's a 2 day tournament I only really get to see him on the evenings on Saturday or Sunday. As far as his kids schedule, he gets them every other Sunday and every Monday, as well as every morning from 6am-8am (he takes them to school every day). He spends a good amount of time with them, and is really a great father. He even spends time with them when its not "his days". Of course, me being me, I'm dissapointed, because I'd like to spend time with my boyfriend too. So on days that aren't his days, when he picks the kids over me, it hurts my feelings. But go back to what I said above, I get it, kids come first, etc.

I'm just thinking I'm becoming resentful.

 

Here's where I'm having a big issue. With my divorce, I JUST learned that I am losing my house. That means I will have to sell, and get an apartment. My boyfriend is interested in getting a place with me. Originally I thought that sounded great, but now I'm freaking out about it. I've never met his kids, and obviously if we live together, the kids will be there part of the time too. What if I don't like the kids? What if they don't like me?

I have to make these huge life changing decisions, in an extremely short amount of time, and I don't even know what I should do. I don't want to meet the kids if my heart isn't into it. That's why he's held back on having me meet the kids to begin with- he doesn't want to introduce them to just anyone.

My boyfriend sees a future with me. He's talked about us getting married, and all that stuff. I think that sounds great, I really love him, and would like that, but I'm missing a huge part of knowing him since I don't know his kids.

 

I need outsider opinions.

What do I do?

Do I just get over myself. Do I meet the kids and see how it goes? Maybe I'll really like them, and I'll enjoy being a step parent.

 

Do I leave the relationship? I have told him multiple occasions I've never seen myself having kids.

 

I'm not really sure what I should do. In reality, I think I might just be a immature brat with a "me" complex, and I should get over it.

 

Thanks in advance!

[SouthernSunshine]

I think you should see this man for who he is, not just how he makes you feel by spending time with you. He sounds like a really good man, being a good father he has good character. I think you should learn to grow, and move forward with him if you want this to work. Love him for the father he is, the partner he is, and that his priorities are in order. A man who puts his gf before his kids, really isn't a man at all. Just my thoughts.

 

If you can't handle him being a good father, you should leave.

[D-Lish]

I don't think it's selfish to want to be a priority in your partners life. That's something that's important to me also.

 

With my exH, his job was the priority, with my recent ex, it was his friend/sports, and believe it or not with another ex, it was motorcycles.

 

I don't blame you for wanting to be #1- who wouldn't want to be!

 

Unfortunately, dating a man with children means you will take a back seat to the kids. However, the fact that he is a devoted dad certainly indicates his character. Unfortunately I have known far too many men that have divorced their wives and kids in the process- that's something that is hard to respect.

 

If you did live together, you'd see him 7 days a week. If you met his children, you'd become a much larger part of his life- but you'd have to accept the kids as being a part of your life in order for everything to work out.

 

I think you'd have to meet the kids before making a decision. I don't think you can make a decision to live together without doing so!

[whichwayisup]

His kids will always come first. Of course he'll make time for you, but if something happens and his kids need him, your plans will be cancelled asap. Not malciously, but because that is his job as a father..Something you need to understand and respect if you plan on being in his life.

 

If you feel you can't cope/deal with the dynamic of dating someone with kids, break it off now before it gets more serious. Because one day IF you choose to be with him and things move along in a good way, you will be their stepmom and part of a family. 24/7, not just when you feel like it.

[whichwayisup]

Another thing to think about.. What would honestly think of him if he put you first before his kids? If I was single and dating a guy who had kids and he put me first more often, or chose to be with me rather than his own kids, I would re-think the whole relationship.

 

Maybe it's judgemental of me to say, but there's something really wrong if a parent doesn't put their kids needs first more often..

[SouthernSunshine]

His kids will always come first. Of course he'll make time for you, but if something happens and his kids need him, your plans will be cancelled asap. Not malciously, but because that is his job as a father..Something you need to understand and respect if you plan on being in his life.

 

If you feel you can't cope/deal with the dynamic of dating someone with kids, break it off now before it gets more serious. Because one day IF you choose to be with him and things move along in a good way, you will be their stepmom and part of a family. 24/7, not just when you feel like it.

 

 

Great advice!

[whichwayisup]

Great advice!

 

Thank-you!

[Dust]

I believe a person should put their family first. The thing is if it all works out you will be family.

 

You obviously like this guy enough to consider moving in with him, so why not meet the kids. No one would blame you if you just back out now, or later.

[Els]

Whoa, whoa. Aren't a few of you being a little harsh on her? Plenty of men here wouldn't even consider dating a single mom - it's a huge no-no for them, and they wouldn't even bother trying. Here this woman gave it a shot to be with a man she loves despite her misgivings about him having kids, and she's snidely accused of not being able to handle him being a good father?

 

Meet the kids and see how it goes. It doesn't hurt to make up your mind later rather than sooner. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be #1, and nothing wrong with him putting his kids as #1 either; simply, you both aren't really compatible if neither of you can see middle ground on this.

[Eeyore79]

It's ok if you don't want to date a man with kids, it doesn't make you a bad person. It's good that you're thinking far enough ahead to realize that if things work out you'll be a stepmom and the kids will often be at your house. If you don't want to come second to his kids and you don't want to be a stepmom, that's up to you; you just avoid men with kids.

 

Many decent, kind, loving women prefer not to date men with children; they're not immature or selfish, they just choose not to be involved with kids. A selfish woman would date a man she likes and attempt to exclude his children or persuade him to see them less - a decent woman recognizes that she's not cut out to be a good stepmom and chooses not to be one at all, for the benefit of all concerned. Personally I know I wouldn't be a good stepmom, and I would resent the kids, so it's better if I date men without kids rather than making some kid's life a misery because they feel unwanted and hated by their stepmom.

[sb129]

Some good points on here already- OP you can't make a decision about something as important as moving in with your BF without meeting his kids.

 

Nobody has to be the only "number one"- every person has lots of significant people in their lives, and they fulfil different roles.

You will be his number one GF- there is only space for one person in that role. His kids play a different role in his life.

You don't even have to be "stepmom" if that term bothers you. You can be another significant adult in their lives.

 

But you have to meet them first!

[Eeyore79]

OP you can't make a decision about something as important as moving in with your BF without meeting his kids.

I agree with this, but I'm not sure there's any point in meeting his kids if the OP is already sure that she doesn't want to be involved with them (and, by extension, with his ex).

 

Nobody has to be the only "number one"- every person has lots of significant people in their lives, and they fulfil different roles.

You will be his number one GF- there is only space for one person in that role. His kids play a different role in his life.

Yes but everyone has a limited amount of time and resources. He only has one Saturday per week, and I want him to spend it with me, not with his kids. He probably only takes one vacation per year, and I want him to take it with me; I don't want his kids tagging along. He only has one paycheck, and I want him to spend it on buying a house and building a life with me, not on paying for kids which aren't mine. There's no room in a man's life for children if he's in a relationship with me, and there's certainly no room for their mom (his ex).

[Breezie]

I agree with this, but I'm not sure there's any point in meeting his kids if the OP is already sure that she doesn't want to be involved with them (and, by extension, with his ex).

 

 

Yes but everyone has a limited amount of time and resources. He only has one Saturday per week, and I want him to spend it with me, not with his kids. He probably only takes one vacation per year, and I want him to take it with me; I don't want his kids tagging along. He only has one paycheck, and I want him to spend it on buying a house and building a life with me, not on paying for kids which aren't mine. There's no room in a man's life for children if he's in a relationship with me, and there's certainly no room for their mom (his ex).

 

 

I completely agree here. This is how I think. That makes me afraid that I'm not cut out to date someone with kids. The problem is I really love this man. I really think I need to meet the kids and see how "combining" our lives works. That way,I can spend more time with him, and spend time with everyone together. That way I'd have more time with him. I really want it to work out, and I hope I can learn to accept that I'm not always the focus. Its hard!

[Breezie]

Whoa, whoa. Aren't a few of you being a little harsh on her? Plenty of men here wouldn't even consider dating a single mom - it's a huge no-no for them, and they wouldn't even bother trying. Here this woman gave it a shot to be with a man she loves despite her misgivings about him having kids, and she's snidely accused of not being able to handle him being a good father?

 

Meet the kids and see how it goes. It doesn't hurt to make up your mind later rather than sooner. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be #1, and nothing wrong with him putting his kids as #1 either; simply, you both aren't really compatible if neither of you can see middle ground on this.

 

THANK YOU

I agree here. This is my first time datin someone with kids. I didn't know, and wasn't expecting to be so serious, but it is.

I am almost sad and insulted he's keeping his kids from meeting me- his kids are his life, so it's like I don't know a huge part of him.

[Eeyore79]

The problem is I really love this man. I really think I need to meet the kids and see how "combining" our lives works.

 

I've been in the same situation before. I dated a man who had kids, and while I didn't want his kids (or any involvement with his ex), I decided to give it a go because I really liked him. I thought maybe I'd get over it, maybe the kids would grow on me and I could learn to cope with his ex being around, etc. But I was going against what I felt deep inside, trying to make things work when in my heart I knew that a man with kids and an ex still in his life wasn't what I really wanted. As might be expected, I never got over my resentment of his kids; I felt like I was settling for less that I deserved. We dated for a year and I broke up with him to date someone who had no kids. I don't know how the kids felt, but he was really cut up about it, and I regret hurting him when I knew from the beginning that the relationship wasn't really what I wanted.

 

I won't tell you not to date this man, because I know how difficult it is to turn down a relationship with someone you like just because there are kids in the way. Maybe you'll learn to handle it and everything will be fine! The only helpful advice I can give is to listen to your gut, because it usually knows when something is right or wrong. Try to see the situation as it is, rather than how you wish it was - the kids and ex will never go away, so it's better to be honest if the situation isn't right for you.

[whichwayisup]

THANK YOU

I agree here. This is my first time datin someone with kids. I didn't know, and wasn't expecting to be so serious, but it is.

I am almost sad and insulted he's keeping his kids from meeting me- his kids are his life, so it's like I don't know a huge part of him.

 

How long have you two been seeing eachother?

 

You have to understand that this isn't about you. He isn't being mean by NOT introducing you to his kids..You've done nothing wrong. He is just protecting his kids, wants to be sure of you and the relationship, where it's going before involving the kids in this.

 

I hope I can learn to accept that I'm not always the focus. Its hard!

You need to work on this if you plan on being with him. Or anybody. You can't come first and be the focus all the time, in any relationship, kids or not. It's not good to put that much pressure on someone and have such high expectations either.

[VicJay79]

Breezie,

 

His kids are going to be a huge part of his life. You might want to consider that fact and break things off. If you arent' comfortable around kids, maybe you should find someone without all that baggage.

 

 

Hi there.

 

First off- I'm 28 years old, andI am recently divorced.\

After my husband left me, I started going out with girlfriends. I met a guy while out and about that I really connected with, and in October, we started dating. This guy is 36, was married for 15 years, and has 2 preteen kids.

I have never dated anyone divorced, let alone someone with kids, so this is a whole new ballgame to me.

 

As an only child, I tend to be a bit selfish. I've always been #1 to my parents, when I was married, we didn't have kids, so I was my ex's #1.

Now that I'm dating my boyfriend (for the last 6 months) I've had to adapt and fall into the #2 postition. I get it. The kids were there before me, that will never change, I will always be #2. That's just the way it is. But I don't think I WANT to be #2. I've never had the desire to have children. I never planned on having them. I always wanted to be able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it.

 

I have never met my boyfriend's kids. I'm not really sure I want to meet them yet, since I"m having these feelings, but I really feel like if I want to really know him, I need to meet the kids.

 

His and my time together is limited- our work schedules are opposite, so the only time we get to see eachother is Saturday and Sundays (if he doesn't have the kids) Lately, it's been basketball season, so he goes to every game regardless of if it's his days or not. So that means if it's a 2 day tournament I only really get to see him on the evenings on Saturday or Sunday. As far as his kids schedule, he gets them every other Sunday and every Monday, as well as every morning from 6am-8am (he takes them to school every day). He spends a good amount of time with them, and is really a great father. He even spends time with them when its not "his days". Of course, me being me, I'm dissapointed, because I'd like to spend time with my boyfriend too. So on days that aren't his days, when he picks the kids over me, it hurts my feelings. But go back to what I said above, I get it, kids come first, etc.

I'm just thinking I'm becoming resentful.

 

Here's where I'm having a big issue. With my divorce, I JUST learned that I am losing my house. That means I will have to sell, and get an apartment. My boyfriend is interested in getting a place with me. Originally I thought that sounded great, but now I'm freaking out about it. I've never met his kids, and obviously if we live together, the kids will be there part of the time too. What if I don't like the kids? What if they don't like me?

I have to make these huge life changing decisions, in an extremely short amount of time, and I don't even know what I should do. I don't want to meet the kids if my heart isn't into it. That's why he's held back on having me meet the kids to begin with- he doesn't want to introduce them to just anyone.

My boyfriend sees a future with me. He's talked about us getting married, and all that stuff. I think that sounds great, I really love him, and would like that, but I'm missing a huge part of knowing him since I don't know his kids.

 

I need outsider opinions.

What do I do?

Do I just get over myself. Do I meet the kids and see how it goes? Maybe I'll really like them, and I'll enjoy being a step parent.

 

Do I leave the relationship? I have told him multiple occasions I've never seen myself having kids.

 

I'm not really sure what I should do. In reality, I think I might just be a immature brat with a "me" complex, and I should get over it.

 

Thanks in advance!

[otherfish]

Breezie, I just got out of a relationship with a single mother with a son. She made it very clear that HE was first. It did offend me a little when I sat for a few moments and thought about it.

 

I have 2 children myself. I dont love one more than the other. That is how I approached my relationship.....she loves him and loved me. Its 2 different kinds of love. Try to separate the "love" relationship he has with you and the one with the kids.

Edited May 18, 2011 by otherfish

[carhill]

Eight months seems like an awful long time to date, be intimate and be sexual without a broader 'introduction' to family. Hmm...

 

I'm an only child and dated many single mothers as a young man; in fact, all of my sexual partners, save for my exW, were mothers when I met them and dated them. I think the longest I went without 'meeting the children' was a couple months, and generally before their mother and I became intimate.

 

I found single parents to be pretty adept at managing the realities of their parenthood and I supported them in those efforts. Perhaps the differences in ages, combined with the man having been married 15 years, is working against a compatibility of relationship styles.

 

I will say that the man discussing and/or desiring to 'move in together', and, further, getting married to the OP without her yet meeting his children gives me pause. Something sounds off there; something which causes me to be skeptical about a number of things he's telling the OP.

 

I'd be cautious here. Good luck.

[Joe Normal]

I had a similar situation to you in a previous relationship. It resulted in my ending things eventually, and resolving never to get serious with a single parent again. My recommendation is you take the same steps, but I suspect you will drag it out for a few months or even years before realising you can't hack it.

[Breezie]

Well, I am here to post an update. I had to end the relationship. Every weekend for 5 weeks, when we had something planned to do, he canceled on my last min. due to a basketball game coming up with one of his kids. He's upset with me, becasue I broke up with him, and basketball ends in a few weeks. I just think it's a view into the future about how life would be. I really get dissapointed when we have plans and he cancels on me. He said I broke up with him because he's a good father. It really doesn't have anything to do with the kids- it has everything to do with breaking commitments with me, with no regards for my time or feelings.

I'm very sad about it, I love him very much, but I need more time from him. The 8 hours a week just isnt' cutting it.

[carhill]

Sorry to hear that.

 

IMO and IME, things, other than sickness/injury, don't 'come up' with kids. Sports schedules, including 'playoffs' and 'championships' are published well in advance. He's just disorganized or doesn't care or both. Sufficient interest fuels desire to be organized and make time for the person one is interested in.

 

Not all single parents are the way this man presented himself. I'd suggest continuing without prejudice and perhaps meeting another single dad who is more compatible.

[Breezie]

Sorry to hear that.

 

IMO and IME, things, other than sickness/injury, don't 'come up' with kids. Sports schedules, including 'playoffs' and 'championships' are published well in advance. He's just disorganized or doesn't care or both. Sufficient interest fuels desire to be organized and make time for the person one is interested in.

 

Not all single parents are the way this man presented himself. I'd suggest continuing without prejudice and perhaps meeting another single dad who is more compatible.

 

Thanks carhill.

I tend to agree with you. I think it's odd that a tournament pops up every weekend, and he finds out Friday night. I feel as though there may be more to the story, but I suppose one will never know.

It's a battle I don't intend to fight again.

I agree with the disorganized. In the beginning, he was chronically late (and me being a person who works in sales, nothing bothers me more than not being punctual!). I eventually got him to add 2 hours on the time he thought he would be at my house, so I would be happy he was early, as opposed to late.

Now the canceling on me? Yesterday's canceling on me 2 min. before we were supposed to leave to go to somewhere he told me he was looking forward to going with me was the last straw. Even earlier that morning he told me his kid had a game, and he was comprimising by not going. But then he had a change of heart and left. I feel like it is a blatant disregard for my feelings, and honestly MY time. Seems selfish for me to say, but I'd rather have invited another friend to go to the festival with me, and enjoyed my day, than crying about being left AGAIN at the last min. for him to go to a basketball game.