I am losing it! Should look at the cell bill and ease my mind or vow to trust him?

[cu_tigerlily]

I have been in a relationship for the last 3 years... The guy i am datig is a Police Officer in our small town... He is 29, i am 28 and i have a 10 yr old daughter, they get along wonderful... I went through a lot growing up and in past relationships and I am really having a hard time relaxing or trusting this guy... I am obsessive, I have broken into his email, listened to his voice mails driven by his house, etc... There have been some VERY questionable instances but I can never really say that he is cheating...

 

One issue is that in October, after about 3 months of not getting along at all, we made up. That night he was supposed to come to my house after his parttime job, but he called and said he was getting off and was tired and was going home... I said ok and he said he loved me and that things were going back on track and that he couldn't wait for us to go to the beach that weekend... The next morning I drove by his apt and saw a funny car out front so I knocked, he wouldn't answer, I banged, I broke 2 windows... I looked in the car and saw her nametag, a girl he used to sleep with, she's married, and I was crying and asking why.. he called the cops.. The people he works with arrested me, how embarrassing...

 

That day he came to me and swore that nothing had happened, that her bf had beat her up and she needed a place to stay, etc...

Her dropped the charges and it took me 3 months to stop thinking about her and thinking he could have cheated...

 

Finally things started getting really good for us in January, he had built a house and we were getting along so well... then in feb, he asked me to move in... so i did... things we going so good...

 

then 2 weeks ago I got mad at him and instead of calling him and calling him waiting for an apology I did what he has always asked me to do and I didn't bug him, I waited, and when he didn't call I was ok... I was living wit him but he works 2nd and im 1st so I slept on the couch and missed seeing him... the next day, when I was over it, it had been about 28 hours, i called his cell, he didn't answer, so I used the password he had revealed to me 2 days before and I heard this message

 

"hey Sgt. ***** this is melissa, Im calling you back like you wanted me to. My kids are with their granma so if you can steal away we can get together as long as your girlfriend doesn't stake you out while you are on duty, call me after 9pm"

 

Melissa is the girl that was at his house in Oct.

 

well I freaked, I called the station, he was in dispatch and I freaked out... he tried to tell me it was a "joke" to see if I was cxhecking his phone, that we had been fighting and he figured I would check it and that he knew that I wouldn't be able to hide it if it involved Melissa..

 

The thing is that I had already know his password and had been listening to his message for months...nothing like that.. so i kind of believe that it could have been a joke.. but he won't tell me who the girl was that made the phone call... he won't offer me anything tangible that says "See I am not cheating"

 

Now when he goes to work I think he is cheating.. he can't understand why, he says he would not give up evrything that he had worked 10 yrs for just for some p**sy.

 

But I just can't get it back... I can do an Freedom of Information Act and ask for the Police Dept cell phone bills, detailed, and it would have his on there cause it's paid through the city... I could do that and then may be able to see who he has been talking to... but I am afraid that if he found out, that he would leave me... even if I found nothing, because he HATES people going through his stuff...

 

Well I just don't know what to do... He swears he loves me and has not cheated and never will... He has stayed with me through 2 years of me "losing it", throwing tantrums, slicing my wrist, once 1.5 years ago and once this past week. He has stayed with me after I have gone up to his work fussing at him and many more things like slapping him, breaking things, etc.... I just lose it when I argue with him... he says that he loves me and thats why he stays... but I don't know what to do anymore

 

I don't know if I should look at the cell bill and ease my mind or not get it and vow to trust him... WHAT DO I DO????

[cu_tigerlily]

I also found out that the weekend I heard that phone call he had planned on proposing to me.. he has the ring and evrything.. he had even showed my daughter... but we got into the fight then he did that stupid joke.. he told me that he had planne don proposing because for the last 2 weeks I would fuss all the time about the phone call... he said he wanted to not tellme but thought it would be the only way to prove to me that he really did love me...

[Darkangelism]

He might be cheating, i would look into it more.

[Arabess]

I think he will marry you if you want him.......but will cheat on you. Read all the OW posts....these guys all have elaborate stories on both ends of the stick. It's your choice if you want to play.

 

Iwouldn't marry someone I didn't trust....regardless of whether it was true or not. Why get stuck with someone who doesn't use enough common sense to keep himself out of this type of predicament??

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

I can buy the boyfriend beating thing, however, it seems a little odd with him being a police officer and all that action wouldn't have taken place.

 

As for the phone call, either he has a really really sick sense of humor or is up to something. You know him better than I, is he oft times sarcastic, or have a typically dry/dark sense of humor? This could explain it, but otherwise, it seems a little odd.

 

As for the ring, well congratulations on the proposal in advance. I hope that you and your guy can work everything out, as it seems like you obviously want it to work out (else you wouldn't be posting this here )

[cu_tigerlily]

The girl lives in another city 30 min away, that's why he didn't fo anything for her legally.

 

He hasn't proposed yet... and i am still so unsure that if he did I couldn't say yes right now...

 

I know I must seem stupid to you... you're right, why am i posting on here instead of leaving him..

[FolderWife]

but I am afraid that if he found out, that he would leave me...

 

Ok, sweetheart, listen to me. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS !!!!!!!!!!!LOSER!!!!!!!!!!

 

What kind of person says they "love" someone, then plays that kind of sick sick "joke"!? Honey, he knows you have self esteem and trust issues, so if he truely loved you, he would not intentionally do something so mean, cruel, and STUPID to you.

 

Check the logs. That will prove that this low life scumbag has cheated on you. LEAVE HIM!!!!! He had you arrested!!! If he loved you, and if he truely wasn't doing anything with "melissa" then he would've answered the door that night that you knocked. He wouldn't have called the police on you.

 

Cops are notorious for cheating on duty any way!

 

 

Pleas please please please leave this cruel hearted person. If he's cheating, then you need out. If he's not, and he's doing and saying these things as a joke, then you can't live your life with someone like that!

 

Are you willing to stay with him even if he IS cheating? If so, then don't obsess about it.

 

Just say to yourself, "If he's cheating, I'd rather not know, so I don't have to deal with it".

[cu_tigerlily]

oh yeah.. the "joke" phonce call was something that he says he did cause we were fighting, I hadn't called him in 24 hours and he said he knew I would check his phone, so he says he did it to see if I would...

 

It seems strange, why would he do that on Friday just because we argued, when he had planned to propose on Saturday?

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

... He probably said what he said to try and cover his tracks.

 

 

I agree, after reading one of the comments-

 

If he is cheating on you, you would leave him, right? If he isn't cheating on you, do you really want to be put through these type of sick jokes that make you question yourself? make you question him?

 

I know I wouldn't want to live like that-- if he is cheating, or has been, he needs to come clean and you can go from there and decide what to do.

 

If he hasn't been cheating, then he needs to be more sensitive, and learn how to deal with problems. You can't live with someone, ignore them, and play sick pranks on them when things turn sour temporarily, and still consider it a fully-functional/healthy relationship.

[FolderWife]

I drove by his apt and saw a funny car out front so I knocked, he wouldn't answer, I banged, I broke 2 windows... I looked in the car and saw her nametag, a girl he used to sleep with, she's married, and I was crying and asking why..

You are his girlfriend, so why didn't he open the door for you? You banged, he still didn't answer. You were angry, because he obviously had sex with this woman again, and you broke 2 windows (not a good move, but understandible...situations like this makes one hysterical) You saw her name tag, and saw that she's a married woman he used to sleep with...hmmm...wonder why he wouldn't sleep with her again? He "loves" you, so he has you arrested instead of letting you in, so since he can do that, surely he can have sex with another woman.....

 

A line or two down, you say "her boyfriend beat her and she needed a place to say", but a second ago, you said she's married.....is she married, or dating?....or both!? If both, why didn't she stay at her husband's house? Has she never heard of a hotel? That's where I go when I get mad...not bothering any buddies

 

Fact: He's YOUR man

Fact: You knocked on YOUR man's door while another woman was there and he didn't answer

Fact: He had you arrested, instead of coming outside to talk to you.

 

I HEAR SIRENS AND BELLS HONEY!!!

[FolderWife]

ok...hmmm...I think I posted something in a wrong thread somewhere *off to find it*

[sunshinedaydream]

Definitely bells and sirens!!!!!!!!!

 

Of course he was in there doing her. He let you get arrested?!? By his friends?!?!? Her friends?!?!? Why? Because she was beat up? Why not arrest the guy who beat her up? This guy is supposed to marry you.... why wasn't he protecting you from getting arrested?

 

Let me get this straight.... they're both cops. She got beat up. Instead of having this guy arrested, or arresting him herself, she goes to your man. You damage property because he won't answer his door, while he's in there with this traumatized woman? The man is a COP. SHE'S a COP. What would COPs do in this instance? Attempt to diffuse the situation, or let it escalate? Sounds like he wasn't in COP mode at the time. When the COPS came to arrest you, where was he? Did he finally come out at that point?

 

When you got arrested, did you explain why you did what you did, and that the man inside is their co-worker? And that their other coworker who was in there with him was also their coworker? Did they make them come out?

[cu_tigerlily]

Originally posted by sunshinedaydream

Definitely bells and sirens!!!!!!!!!

 

Of course he was in there doing her. He let you get arrested?!? By his friends?!?!? Her friends?!?!? Why? Because she was beat up? Why not arrest the guy who beat her up? This guy is supposed to marry you.... why wasn't he protecting you from getting arrested?

 

Let me get this straight.... they're both cops. She got beat up. Instead of having this guy arrested, or arresting him herself, she goes to your man. You damage property because he won't answer his door, while he's in there with this traumatized woman? The man is a COP. SHE'S a COP. What would COPs do in this instance? Attempt to diffuse the situation, or let it escalate? Sounds like he wasn't in COP mode at the time. When the COPS came to arrest you, where was he? Did he finally come out at that point?

 

When you got arrested, did you explain why you did what you did, and that the man inside is their co-worker? And that their other coworker who was in there with him was also their coworker? Did they make them come out?

 

 

You got a little confused but it's ok.. this story is so messed up...

 

She is not a cop, he is... he HAD me arreested... he called the cops, he lives in the city he works in so of course his department responded... it is all so messed up!!!!!

[FolderWife]

Once the cops showed up, did your boyfriend come outside? How long after they drug you off did he come and get you?

 

He did her that night, and he had you arrested, because ~how dare you try to make him do anything~ You should've left him for good after that one, because quite frankly, it sounds like he was TRYING TO MAKE YOU LEAVE HIM! You are so desperate to be with him, that you accept any sh$@ from him! His lover called and left a message, and of course you got it, but he knows that you need him so badly, that you'd be stupid enough to fall for any old line he gave you.

 

How long have you been with him again? Like we've all been saying: even if he's not cheating, you don't need someone that cruel any way. Why do you stay with him???

[She's Come Undone]

Plain and simple, he's obviously bringing out the worst in you, which is not good for your daughter. She will see you not trusting him but staying with him anyway. You need to teach her how a REAL relationship should be.

 

By the way, I'm in Tiger Country too if you want me to kick some *ss!! LOL

[chrissy4534624]

GIRL U SOUND TOTALLY PSYCHO!!! i love it, ur just like me. haha breaking windows and checking voicemails well i haven't gone to that extreme, but u gotta go with your gut instinct. u already feel like hes not loyal so just go with that and get away from him, move on, find a guy worthwhile that you won't feel like u have a trust issue with. the anger and crazy feelings u get are because u care about him but u don't trust him. u can't live in that kind of relationship because it will never go away, u will ALWAYS not trust him. I tried to get back with my xfiance (the one i'm preggo by right now) a million times but the trust is just not there for me. the bastard f***ing got back together with me and didn't even invite me to his damn birthday party, yet his friends wifes and girlfriends were there. he even had the nerve to come say hi to me before he left, then showed up at my house like 12 hours later after the party drunk off his ass, took his shoes off and tried to get in bed with me, i was like dude keep your shoes on because ur not staying here a**h***. anyway, our last big breakup, when i kicked him outta the house i was so uncontrollably mad at him and super preggo with emotions out of control, i broke up all the new furniture he bought for "the baby and the house" right infront of him, while his friend stood there watching. he came to get his ****, and i just started throwing things around, picked up glass tables and broke the glass on each one, threw **** at him, threw a candle at him and it went out the screen broke the screen and hit my car window and made a huge crack in it, his friend this dickhead stood there like a moron and i said "AND TAKE YOUR ****ING PORN TOO" ANd took a box of all of his porno DVD's and dumped them right on the floor. surprisingly he didn't come back for the rest of his **** that day so i took his brand new BBQ and the rest of the furniture and put it out on the road and it was pickedup by a garbage picker not a few minutes later, hahahah...then i said to myself outloud "your lucky i didn't slash up your new leather couch" and 5 minutes later i had the knife and slashed it straight across on each cushion. hes screewed me over time and time again, lies to me, humiliated me on christmas at his parents house, told me to get an abortion, keep the kid, get an abortion, keep the kid, etc. etc. ****ed me over for another chick early on in our relationship, ruined valentines day, ruined thanksgiving, gets drunk all the time and acts like a fool, was embarassed to ever let his friends know he liked me so he tried to hide it for months until one day says "ohh i dont care what my friends think anymore", the first time he ever held my hand we were living in the base dorms (next to each other) and as soon as he saw some girls up ahead he THREW my hand down, hes a total f***ing loser and i hate his guts so he was lucky i just broke up some of his ****. hes a pathological liar so he got what he deserves, and he will be paying 500 $ a month in child support for the next 18 years because he decided to start telling me months ago "OOHH I WANNA START A FAMILY LETS GET PREGNANT" and then bailed out as soon as it was born. i totally like your style, this is the first dude whose ever made me angry enough to go ballistic on his ass and he deserves all of it and sooooo much more for all of the hundreds of terrible things hes put me threw. anyway gET RID OF THE ****head, u can't trust him so he clearly isn't trustworthly, ur better then that, then u can live life without all the anger and resentment issues u have like me.

 

good luck

[befuddled11]

As someone else said it, this guy brings out the worst in you. Breaking his windows, breaking things, hitting him (didn't you say you did that once?)....all of that is wrong and a sign that you need some professional help, if nothing else, with anger management. Where is your daughter when you're having these fits?? I sure hope she doesn't witness it all.

 

Now that being said, there's no trust here..whether it's warranted or not. Having to check his voicemail and doing drive-bys at his house.....that's not how a healthy, normal relationship should be. That's very dysfunctional.

 

Now this thing with "Melissa", it sounds sketchy at best. The fact that he blew you off the night before and said he was tired and going to bed (or whatever it was), but then you find out she was there the next day, that's a crock. And what on earth was her nametag doing, lying in the car? That's weird.

 

But the fact that he LET you get arrested..that is of great concern. Mind you, busting up his windows wasn't very stable. I wonder if the reason he allowed that to happen was to get you out of the picture for a time, because he didn't want to have to explain the Melissa-thing.

 

The phone message that "she" supposedly left.....that's plain sick. And he professes he'd been planning to propose to you the next day?

 

That's about as sick, if it really WAS a 'trap' to see if you check his messages, as when my ex husband, when we were separated (but apparently trying to work through things) would add or subtract condoms from the box of condoms in his bedside table..knowing full well that I'd count them to see if he was using them.......when I noticed a few were missing and was very upset and confronted him, he laughed hysterically..saying he "knew" I'd been counting them whenever I came over, and he told his buddies, so he got this brainy idea to buy some more and add more to the box somtimes, or take some away..basically just to "f*ck with my head" (ironically, there were never "more" there, only ever "less")

 

It's all very screwed up. Cops have a bad reputation for being players and cheaters........and I know that sounds like a huge stereotype, but it is what it is.

 

Is it even a legit engagement ring? I wonder if he went out and bought it "after the fact"...because he realized he'd been "busted" with the voicemail that chick had left.....and he was trying to cover his ass by then saying of COURSE he loved you, was just playing a joke and had actually been planning to propose. He could have shown your daughter a $5 ring from a gumball machine, and she likely wouldn't have known it was not for real.

[mommy78]

the "excuse" that he gave you about that message being a joke, is a complete LIE! Regardless if he was planning to propose or whatever, its a lie. My bf uses that lie and he knows I dont buy that lie anymore. Infact, I just heard this stupid message of a girl snoring and him in the background calling her babe (i left a post about this). his first LIE was that it was a joke because i would check his phone. first of all, i STOPPED checking his phone a long time ago. but then after a few other dumb lie's, he finally fessed up and told me the real story. good thing was that he didnt cheat or anything (i hope). however, the story with that girl staying over....its so funny, because thats the SAME story i have with that girl who was snoring in his recorded message. her husband beats her and she was running away, back home to NY, the next morning and needed a place to stay. but he swore on our daughter and his mother that he didnt do anything with her. he has other room mates, and he NEVER says those things unless he's lying. but anyway, i believe that he hasn't grown up fully "yet". it takes a while for a man to grow up in a relationship. no matter how much you know they love you, no matter how much they wanna marry you, etc.....they are STILL capable of cheating. my man has put up with a lot of my suspiciousness for the past how many years. but he had to change, we have a daughter now. he knows he'll lose ALL, if he messes up. but i can tell when he's lying or telling the truth. i watch his every move (no i dont stalk him) but i do keep my eye's open (wide). the things you tell me, about the password thing, driving by his house, etc. i did ALL that for the first 2 years of our relationship. He has cheated on me. My relationship with him is something i can pracically write about. we have broken up a couple of times but its been a while since he's done the cheating thing. but my advice to you is that this melissa girl is a "fling", he needs grow up and figure out that in order to stay with you, he needs to be a one woman man. He already knows what he wants (you as the one to go home too but at the same time, have his play time). I think you should take time away from this guy. He may come running back to you, crying, then you might take him back, evrything will be ok for the first couple of months, then if he hasnt grown up, he'll go back to cheating. figure out how "he works". it took me 5 years to figure how my man works.

[myriasnotloggedin]

Get out of that relationshp right now.

 

You're becoming crazy!! Breaking windows and listening to his voice mail. Do you honestly think you have a good relationship? What kind of a relationship is that when you can't trust your partner and he drives you nuts and has you arrested.

 

Girl do yourself and your daughter a huge favor. Get out of that house and do not get involved with someone you can't trust.

[mommy78]

You do not need to be in a relationship where you have to check on everything and every move. You should just be able to tell that he is cheating. You already got proof and I know its hard to believe it. Your in that denial stage, trust me I know. You love him so much that you will still stay with him even if you really found out. What are you waiting for?? To actually catch them in the "act?" You got her voice on his v-mail. He wouldnt answer his door when you went there AND had some one over at the same time. Thats proof! He's lying when he tells you it was a joke, thats just plain bull sh*t. I know you dont want to hear any of this but its true. It takes time to actually sink it in. Ive been there. Once you do actually get the evidence your looking for, your gonna hurt like crazy. Do you wanna do that to yourself? Infact, your relationship isnt healthy. You shouldnt have to be doing this at all. Your relationship isnt normal. You should take a break from this moron. If your gonna continue to "check up" on him, you shouldnt have to keep going to th extreme. I thought I was bad.....I've never broken windows. I have bought a tape recorder for our house phone to record the messages. I've found out many things even by just him talking to one of his friends. I've checked his cell and even tried calling phone numbers that looked odd. I've driven by his house to later find out that he had someone over. My outcome, I left him. He came crawling back and I DID NOT let him in easy. I let him suffer for a long time. Since then, things have been fine. We have a 3 yr old daughter and he knows IF he ever screws up AGAIN, he's outta my life! I dont need someone like that for my daughter. He comes from a family of both parents so he knows not to screw up anymore! So I believe that there is "hope" with the two of you, but not right now. If it were meant to be, the two of you would end up together at the end, with NO problems. But at his age, he needs to grow up already and men take a looong time to grow up (well most of them)

[Arabess]

I agree with Maria.....

 

If he is driving you to this level of insanity....then where is the love?

 

I hacked one of the email accounts of my ex. I actually found out he was telling me the truth as far as a situation he was in. Know what though?? I kept asking myself if I really wanted a future with someone who gave me such a ridiculous level of security that I had to SPY on him. It was ludicrous.

 

You'll stay on this emotional roller coaster forever because he's not MAKING you feel secure. He's made some bad and foolish judgement calls in the past. Even now, you can't trust that 'he's changed'. Why torture yourself?

 

It's not about if he's cheating.....it's that he's not enough man to assure you he isn't.

[The Perfect Girl]

my fionce is trying to be a cop and if you read my forum,, he says the same excuses you guy duz but for diffrent situations...he says im tyring to b a cop y would i try and do sumthing witha 12 years old...bla bla bla....and i think he has sumthign going on ..he may not be cheating on u fisicaly..or mayb emotionaly....but he is probily flirint like crazy and havign a fing witch is not as seriouse as cheating yet hurts just as much ...and taht sy to him its normaland he may think its ocmpletely natural....my fionce says the same thing and wen they get cought they get so mand and DENY it til the end and say but i love you ..if i didnt love you i wouldnt be with u .and soo on ..ive heard thoese lines before and sumthing is definatly up...u tell him look im having these trust issues..and iw ould feel completly more comfortable if you could show me your fone records and take him at that moment before he could have a chance to alter them...if he duznt want to on the spot its because he may have a plan to alter them since he is a cop .....u tell him baby i respect you privacy and how you dont like me going thru your things ..and becasue of that i want u to show me and i am askin you as a favor so that i could get out any doubts or bad feelings i haev inside..he should b understadning if you say it like that ...bc if you arents hiding anything u shudnt be scared of people looking thru your things..if he is hiding sumthing im sure he will make a problem out of that even if y u may have asked nicely and also may try and buy time to change wut you have to see sum how..yea at first my fionce wyould give me passweords and let me see anything and everything wen i was the 1 like o0o baby i dnt need to see that i trust you ..and wen things liek thisstarted happening he changced and said o0o i dnt like poepl looking thru my shist and bla bla bal its was cuz he was hiding sumthing..and every time i showed him proof he denyed it til the end and said i was rong tried to blame everything on me..i brok up with him today and i am just so hurt to b with out him and engeade almost 3 years together 4 ...and i feel like my life is over but in a way i feel releaved of all the lies... i hope this helps u um how if u wanna talk my screen name is cntnokdahustle......byee