I don't know how I feel

[Jen]

I am in a situation that I have no idea how to deal with. I'm 19 years old and I met a guy last year who is now 24. I fell for him right away because he was fairly attractive, fun to be with, and he seemed very confident in himself. We did not get too close at first, but became good friends and a little more. He travels a lot for work and sometimes leaves for more than a month at a time, so because of that we got to a point where we weren't as close. Then a few months ago he came back and things he started to do made me a bit uncomfortable. He would cancel appointments he had so we could go out. And every time we went shopping, I felt as if he was just waiting to buy me something. It was nice at first, but It made me uncomfortable because I felt somehow obligated to him, even though I knew that was not his intention. As we started to spend a little less time together, he started to seem insecure to me...like he would do anything I asked just so we could be together. One reason I fell for him to begin with was I was attracted to how confident he was. I honestly felt he was a bit above me and wanted to make him happy. But by how he was acting, I did not care for him in that way at all.

 

I think he finally got the hint after we had some talks about it and I told him I couldn't see him for a while. A few weeks went by and I started to think about him more and more. We saw each other one day soon after and I was actually happy to see him. We talked for a while and I felt good about things. However, we saw each other again a week later and I didnt' feel quite the same way. I felt like his life was about to start to revolve around me again, even though he did not say anything directly to make me feel that way.

 

I am very busy. I work two jobs and some days do not have any time at all for my friends or family even. I will be leaving for a new job in another state in 6 weeks. I don't know how I feel about him, or how I should feel about him. We had a lot of fun in the past, and I enjoyed being together then, yet every time I see him now I get worried he will return to how he was. He has not done anything to directly show me this, but I see in his eyes that he is thinking it though. Maybe I'm crazy.

 

We have not seen or talked to each other in over a week now, but just this morning I was leaving for the store and I passed by him on the road. There is a small lake near my house and I know he goes there sometimes, but the only thought in my head was that he was spying on me or something, even though I know it's probably not true.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that I do have feelings for him, but at the same time I'm afraid. He has kept his distance lately and understood that I'm busy, but it seems the minute I try to be nice to him in a conversation he right away wants to take another step to being together all the time.

 

Right now I'm too afraid and too busy to get back together, but I'm not totally sure I want him out of my life. Add that to the fact that I'm leaving for my new job soon (although I'll probably be back within a year) and I'm really, really confused.

 

I know there is no one that can tell me how I feel, or that can tell me how I should feel. I just thought maybe someone might read this and be able to say something to help me see things better...and I feel a little better that I'm able to write out my feelings.

[Tony T]

Jen:

 

What you have written is a masterpiece. It's sets forth in very clear language what I have been telling guys on this forum for months. And you have told it so eloquently from a woman's perspective.

 

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AT ALL!!! NOTHING!!!!

 

There are so many lovesick guys who post here, talking about how they gave so much in a relationship and turned the girl off. As a matter of fact, there is one just a post or two down from yours. Men just don't understand. They let their hormones take over and, instead of taking things slow and being a challenge, they start calling the girl four times a day, sending her flowers, buying her stuff, trying to solve all of her problems, etc. What they forget is to send her over some Pepto Bismol or Rolaids to take care of her upset stomach because they don't realize this behavior is extremely nauseating for a female.

 

I personally wish that there was an Internet in the years I was a teenager. If only I could have read your post back then. Of course, would I have really gotten the message??? I was one of those guys who just went overboard when I flipped over a girl. My friends tried to tell me but I just couldn't see how sickening I appeared trying to do so many things to impress my potential lovers. It just never worked.

 

What is really odd about your situation is that, at first meeting, he seemed to be very confident and you were attracted to him. It seems this confidence eroded later on...or his true self came out...and you became turned off. Normally, guys who are inclined to be too nice come off that way right from the start.

 

I truly understand it all now and I know exactly how you feel. I don't think you were feeling so obligated to him for doing so much. I just feel you were not challenged...there was no mystery...there was too much predictability...you knew what his feelings were way too soon. This is just no fun at all for a lady who wants those ingredients in a relationship to give it zip and to make it interesting.

 

Let's get together and write a book!!! It is a real problem for a lot of guys. And most guys just don't understand how to balance things just right to keep the lady guessing. They think if they shouldn't be too nice then they should be bastards...and that's so wrong too. There is a balance. The other problem is once a lady has given the boot to a guy for being too nice, then he starts to go the other way and it really looks phony. So if things aren't just right from the start, he has pretty well screwed it up. I KNOW, I HAVE BEEN THERE MORE THAN A FEW TIMES.

 

Thank you so much for a post. I hereby certify you as being fully normal and being exactly what a lady should be. I also nominate you for a Pulitzer Prize for setting forth in your own words a lady's side of a problem that is so so bad for men. I further nominate you for the Wonderful Lady of the Year Award for not taking advantage of this guy and ripping him off for everything he had before you dumped him. There are some women who, even though they are sickened by a lovesick guy, they will rip him off of everything they can get before they send him on his way. For not doing that, you are one great lady in my book. (YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I GOT RIPPED BAD!!!)

 

I always try to tell guys that a woman wants a MAN who is a MAN. You have said it so well.

 

You do not have a problem, this guy does. Things will never work out between you and him. Maybe one day, long down the road, you can be buddies. Right now you can't even be friends because he is wanting more. Until he learns not to be so sickeningly generous, kind, and thoughtful, he will return to this behavior every time and become a major annoyance rather than a friend. If you are nice to him and invite him to try a friendship, you will only encourage him and give him hope. I KNOW, I HAVE BEEN THERE!!! The most humane thing you can do is just not see him for a while.

 

You sound like a really sweet, nice lady and I know you don't want to hurt anybody. But you have to look out for yourself and when guys come on too strong and to sweetsie sweetsie like this, just move them right along and don't burden yourself with them. Hopefully they will learn from the book we will write.

 

And, yes, this morning when you passed by him in the car, I would bet my life he was surfing the neighborhood to get a glimpse of you and to see what you were up to. I've done that too.

 

I am turning red as I write all this because I remember just how awful nauseating and annoying I was, what a nuisance I was, how unattractive my behavior appeared in the past. I could have had most any lady in the world I wanted if I hadn't appeared so needy. I just want to DIE!!!

[billy the kid]

well Jen of course Tony is right... but Tony with or with out the internet we all have to go through life and grow up.. of course even though we now do have the internet it doesn't help some people as Jen has said.... I too, made a fool of my self and might again... as tony said harmones can really screw you up just ask any female during her time of the month....no offence to anyone

Jen: What you have written is a masterpiece. It's sets forth in very clear language what I have been telling guys on this forum for months. And you have told it so eloquently from a woman's perspective. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU AT ALL!!! NOTHING!!!! There are so many lovesick guys who post here, talking about how they gave so much in a relationship and turned the girl off. As a matter of fact, there is one just a post or two down from yours. Men just don't understand. They let their hormones take over and, instead of taking things slow and being a challenge, they start calling the girl four times a day, sending her flowers, buying her stuff, trying to solve all of her problems, etc. What they forget is to send her over some Pepto Bismol or Rolaids to take care of her upset stomach because they don't realize this behavior is extremely nauseating for a female.

 

I personally wish that there was an Internet in the years I was a teenager. If only I could have read your post back then. Of course, would I have really gotten the message??? I was one of those guys who just went overboard when I flipped over a girl. My friends tried to tell me but I just couldn't see how sickening I appeared trying to do so many things to impress my potential lovers. It just never worked. What is really odd about your situation is that, at first meeting, he seemed to be very confident and you were attracted to him. It seems this confidence eroded later on...or his true self came out...and you became turned off. Normally, guys who are inclined to be too nice come off that way right from the start. I truly understand it all now and I know exactly how you feel. I don't think you were feeling so obligated to him for doing so much. I just feel you were not challenged...there was no mystery...there was too much predictability...you knew what his feelings were way too soon. This is just no fun at all for a lady who wants those ingredients in a relationship to give it zip and to make it interesting. Let's get together and write a book!!! It is a real problem for a lot of guys. And most guys just don't understand how to balance things just right to keep the lady guessing. They think if they shouldn't be too nice then they should be bastards...and that's so wrong too. There is a balance. The other problem is once a lady has given the boot to a guy for being too nice, then he starts to go the other way and it really looks phony. So if things aren't just right from the start, he has pretty well screwed it up. I KNOW, I HAVE BEEN THERE MORE THAN A FEW TIMES. Thank you so much for a post. I hereby certify you as being fully normal and being exactly what a lady should be. I also nominate you for a Pulitzer Prize for setting forth in your own words a lady's side of a problem that is so so bad for men. I further nominate you for the Wonderful Lady of the Year Award for not taking advantage of this guy and ripping him off for everything he had before you dumped him. There are some women who, even though they are sickened by a lovesick guy, they will rip him off of everything they can get before they send him on his way. For not doing that, you are one great lady in my book. (YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY TIMES I GOT RIPPED BAD!!!)

 

I always try to tell guys that a woman wants a MAN who is a MAN. You have said it so well.

 

You do not have a problem, this guy does. Things will never work out between you and him. Maybe one day, long down the road, you can be buddies. Right now you can't even be friends because he is wanting more. Until he learns not to be so sickeningly generous, kind, and thoughtful, he will return to this behavior every time and become a major annoyance rather than a friend. If you are nice to him and invite him to try a friendship, you will only encourage him and give him hope. I KNOW, I HAVE BEEN THERE!!! The most humane thing you can do is just not see him for a while. You sound like a really sweet, nice lady and I know you don't want to hurt anybody. But you have to look out for yourself and when guys come on too strong and to sweetsie sweetsie like this, just move them right along and don't burden yourself with them. Hopefully they will learn from the book we will write. And, yes, this morning when you passed by him in the car, I would bet my life he was surfing the neighborhood to get a glimpse of you and to see what you were up to. I've done that too. I am turning red as I write all this because I remember just how awful nauseating and annoying I was, what a nuisance I was, how unattractive my behavior appeared in the past. I could have had most any lady in the world I wanted if I hadn't appeared so needy. I just want to DIE!!!

[Jen]

Thanks guys for the response. I was not trying to be poetic or anything though. I guess what I was saying is I wish we could give things another chance, but I'm just afraid. I DO NOT want him totally out of my life. The thing that confuses me the most is that he seems to be understanding this better now than he did before...he is not around as much...but I'm still not totally over the bad parts of the past.

[Tony T]

You are really nice not to cut this guy totally off but I promise you this will not be a keeper. There are reasons in his life for his insecurity which cannot be cured overnight. He will not want a friendship with you because he wants more. Maybe he will pretend to outwardly just so he can be in your proximity. If you have more with him, you will ultimately be turned off by his insecurity.

 

But I will pray that I am totally wrong.

[Roe]

There's no doubt in my mind that what Jen and Tony said in their post is true.It's a fact of life that women want confident men who are a challenge and have mystery.They don't want "nice" guys.They want somebody they have to "tame" .

 

The sad (or funny,depending on your point of view) part is that they'll eventually want the nice guys later on.Usually after they'd already be married to a jerk,or after a long ugly relationship with Mr. Confident.An awful lot of women mistake arrogance for confidence.This is especially true of women with low self-esteem.

 

No matter.I've already tried being more confident around women.I've tried to be confident,almost to the point of arrogance.And you know what? It works!Women love it! They respond by trying harder to get your attention.

 

And want to know what else? I HATED IT! I hated strutting around like a peacock so full of myself I was ready to puke.I hated what it did to my attitude towards women.They were easy prey now,and I started to look down on some of them,especially the insecure ones. I wanted to be nice,but I knew if I overdid it,they would be turned off.

 

So I had to keep up this charade of never showing my insecurities,never ever showing weakness or that I care about them too much.

 

What really changed me was an incident that happened to a female friend of mine,whom I was romantically attracted to.She went through some bad times,and I wasn't there to help her.I was around her,but I was not I was too busy being confident to see her suffering.I noticed it a bit,but I tried not to seem too concerned for fear of showing weakness.So basically ,I didn't help her much and felt like scum.She was really hurting,and the nice guy in me would've helped her cope in a second,regardless of what she thought of me after.

 

I really felt I messed up.And I realized I am not cut out to be the person I was pretending to be. I had to be me,and if the woman didn't like a nice sweet gentleman,then too bad for her. If she was really so insecure herself that she needed someone to prove herself to, then maybe it wouldn't work out for us.I need someone I can trust,not someone who will turn on me when they realize I'm not perfect.

 

So now,I don't exactly advertise that I'm the sensitve type,but I try not to be too "nice". I try not to overdo it,or just add a smile when I do.I'm not as popular with women as before,but that's ok.I don't have any answers for you all,I don't have any words of wisdom.This is just a personal choice I'm making.I'll be a nice sweet guy till the day I die.After all,women aren't the only ones who have to put up with me.There's my family and friends,and strangers who come in contact with me.They all appreciate someone nice and sweet.