krissy0214 Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 My husband and I have just started a "healing" separation. We have been to marriage counseling which was a failure and we are both in individual counseling now. I did not want him to leave but had to agree to it since that was the only possible solution according to him. I cannot take the pain and anguish of knowing he doesn't love me and needs a month away to see if he misses me and to see if any of his feelings for me come back. We have been together for over 13 years, married for 8 and have a 6 and 7 year old. It was decided from the start that I would be a stay at home mom and that is the one thing I have done a damn good job at. Even with intensive psychotherapy I am not handling this even poorly. All I can see is that my family is destroyed, my children will come from a broken home and I have done everything in my power to save our marriage. I guess one could say this separation is the last thing possible to try. I know what the right answers are about how I should continue living but I am truly lost. I get no relief from the typical ways to fo on with life. I can truly say the only reason I am still breathing is because of my children and I'm to the point now that I'm getting very little sustainment from that. I can love them and meet all of their needs I am capable of but I feel dead. What do I do? Hypnosis won't get my husband off my mind, do I need to find a way to simply stop loving him and truly just let him go without expecting him to ever return? How do you truly let the love of your life go? I've tried everything in my power to save my marriage and that has not worked nor given me any relief. I'm willing to put 100% of my soul to just survive at this point. I have continually put my faith in God, in my husband, but having this hope of reconciling is just causing me too much pain since the only alternative to being together is to permanently be apart. Any help or words of wisdom would be appreciated beyond words. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Nothing is guarunteed. Same happened to me a year ago with my wife, I was heartbroken etc. Now we're back together and our marriage is as strong as ever. However the 6 million dollar queation to ask " is he involved with someone else?" Link to post Share on other sites
just_some_guy Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Maybe. Maybe not. But it sounds like not letting go is less likely to succeed in healing the marriage. In my case, I think it would have been the only thing that might have worked, had she been able to let go, for her sake and growth as much as my own. Link to post Share on other sites
gallop30 Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 you have no better option than letting him go. let him know that you will leave it up to him to make the decision,and pull back. nobody likes to make decisions when pushed. Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Krissy, You situation is almost identical to mine except I'm on the opposite side. I'm the one who is not in love. I wanted to private message you because I can help you understand exactly what your husband is going through. Link to post Share on other sites
Author krissy0214 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 I am so grateful for your responses. Thank you to everyone who has replied. As for him having someone else I am certain there is not. One of the reasons I was feeling so lost and scared is because in 6 weeks we will be moving cross country back to our home after living on the opposite coast for 3 for his work. On Saturday he was mad and told me that he didn't want the children and me moving back there and he would just have the movers send our household goods to wherever I'm moving. Being as I have a month to wait for his answer that was leaving me with only 2 weeks to somehow figure out living arrangements and the financial aspect of it. Well he wound up staying at home last nite and I made a conscious decision and told him that for me to make it thru this separation that when we all move back home that we will stay married so that I can finish school and keep all of my health benefits and still be able to care for the children. And as soon as I am finished and have a job that we can divorce. And this arrangement seems quite fair because I did not continue my education because as a couple we decided that I would be a stay at home mom. This extra time will allow me the time I gave up to raise my family. He agreed to this but got pretty upset when I suggested we draw up a legal document. He took the attitude that since I have it all figured out then what's the point of the separation and I told him this is the only way I can make it thru this separation. So from the looks of it we are continuing the separation and when we move I will be going back to school whether or not he decides to end it or not. I am putting my faith in me from now on. Regardless of what happens I will never allow myself to be in a situation where I am the powerless. I was very young when we got married and started a family and I now see why so many women wait until they have a career to start a family. All of my faith was in my husband that our marriage was so amazing that it would never end. Had I truly put myself first I would have had my own finances to fall back on. With all of this sorted out I need to stick to it and stay strong. I truly think having this plan was the only way I could pull back. He can decide whatever he wants to and my plan won't change much. I'm still going home and no matter what I am going back to school and as he put it, if he realizes what a mistake he has made then I'll have all the cards, not him. At least in the event it happens I'll be able to make the right decision knowing that financially I will no longer be dependant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author krissy0214 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Share Posted May 18, 2011 Krissy, You situation is almost identical to mine except I'm on the opposite side. I'm the one who is not in love. I wanted to private message you because I can help you understand exactly what your husband is going through. Since I am new to this forum I don't think I have private messaging yet, however, thank you very much. Any insight you can give me would be very much appreciated. I've tried to have as much empathy as possible but without more insight I may never truly understand. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
dontKnowMe Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 Since I am new to this forum I don't think I have private messaging yet, however, thank you very much. Any insight you can give me would be very much appreciated. I've tried to have as much empathy as possible but without more insight I may never truly understand. Thank you I signed up just to comment on your post. It appears as though private messaging is disabled. It's too bad. I don't want to share these things publicly but I would like to help you -- and you could help me ease the pain my wife must be feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted May 18, 2011 Share Posted May 18, 2011 For dontKnowMe - LOVE is a verb and not a feeling. When you married your wife, you probably vowed to LOVE her. In most relationships feelings fade. Have you visited marriagebuilders.com? Your definition of love (the feeling) CAN be restored. You can also search for Willard F. Harley on you tube and view a lot of his videos on restoring love in a marriage. For krissy0214, I'm sorry you're going through this hard time. If I were you (based on past experience), I would move forward with divorcing now (if that's what your husband wants). You can, in your divorce decree, specify that he should pay for your living expenses and tuition following the divorce. Because you're a stay-at-home mom, you will likely fare very well with regards to child custody and support as well as alimony in your current situation. I know it is scary, but you will survive. I also recommend moving back home where your family is while your husband is allowing it. In most states, you won't be able to take the kids out of the state unless the other parent agrees to it. So later on, you could certainly be stuck somewhere if you don't move to where you want to be now. If you're still set on saving your marriage (seems like you are), I suggest visiting marriagebuilders.com website. There is a lot of information there on how to save your marriage. You can also search for Willard F. Harley on you tube and view a lot of his videos on restoring love in a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author krissy0214 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Share Posted May 19, 2011 Thank you very much. I will look at that site and check out the YouTube videos. Link to post Share on other sites
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