Bad to worse!

[whiskers]

I've just read your first post that you wrote on here about your ex and I know exactly how you feel. Honestly, some of the bits you wrote I could have said them myself. My ex was older than me and more experienced too and he would be the same - switching from hot and cold, one minute I'm amazing and the next minute he's saying it will go downhill after him and I'll never find anyone as good. And I'm 19, too.

 

I have no idea how I would handle having to see him everyday with another girl. I have seen him out and about when I've been with friends and I decided to just have a good time and try and forget he was there, I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of him seeing that he was getting to me even though he was doing but that was only for a few hours I know it must be so hard doing it everyday. I think guys like that love the ego boost of knowing they have us still hurting and upset over the way that they treated us.

 

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite giving you advice seeing as I fell for the same sort of guy and am currently having a hard time getting over it, too. I really do hope it starts to get easier for you. I read in your other post that you saw a counseller, do you feel like that helped you?

[Gisele]

Awful day

 

This social thing is getting out of hand. I thought i was blowing it out of proportion in my own head, but that doesn't stand true anymore

 

If i speak to someone considered 'popular', they appear. Don't even look at me, interrupting and talking loudly to the person im with. Backs turned to me, drag the person away

 

It's so rude i almost commented on it today

 

If i post something on a mutual friend's facebook, they (far more often her) post a comment on that person's wall literally ten minutes later. This girl must be on facebook 24/7 or something!

 

Im getting pushed out of things, and there's two of them and one of me i feel so lonely. I shouldn't feel lonely, im quite popular in my year, i really pushed to get talking to as many new people as possible right after the break up to try and take my mind off things, and i suppose the one blessing of this horrible situation is that i made so many friends, and would fit into a lot of the groups in the year

 

I have a few really great friends ive made, (i reckon people see us as a little group unfortunately!) who know the situation and said they all got friend requests from them both today. Nothing out of the ordinary, except theyve never even SPOKEN to these girls!

 

But it's them cosying up to my old, trusted friends that's the worst. I probably sound very bitter, but i need to vent. It's hard enough watching them everyday together, especially with the way he treated me. It's agony. But they have plenty of their own friends....it's as if they're 'poaching' mine

 

ANYWAY, i saw her when i was walking through our building today, it was pretty quiet and it was just us. I did what i always do, mentally calmed myself and smiled and said hi. (trying to be classy here, ajax!)

 

She just looked at me for ten seconds with a blank expression, then kept walking.

 

I felt kind of shaken. Later i went over to a group of people i know, and i didnt see them standing there. God knows i wouldnt have approached if i did!! And i said hi to the people and THEN she turns to me and says hey with a big smile

 

Wtf is going on here.

 

Really hurt to see him standing there with his arm round her

 

They both seem very eager to be seen and heard as much as possible. that doesn't bother me, but them constantly butting into my friendships does. i have the courtesy to stay NC and be polite when i see them, i dont leap on their closest friends or drag people away from them!

 

Yes, i sound like im 13. but i wouldnt complain about this if it wasn't seriously affecting how i feel!

 

A friend of mine said she's intimidated by me. There's no WAY she could be....she's SEVEN years older than me!! And she HAS him.

 

A lot of guys (a few strangers, which was nice) and a few girls after the break up approached me and said they'd heard through the grapevine about what happened. said i was out of his league, that they never understood how he got a date with me in the first place. Even a few friends of HERS said it to me, right before they slept together.

 

I had people saying shewas nothing compared to me, that they didnt get the attraction

 

But it's not all about looks. And at 26, i am certain she knows that too, so i cant see her being intimidated

 

I just want to be able to speak to people, without feeling like i have to compete for, or defend my right to do it

[Kilty]

I think you should listen to some of what people say Gisele.

 

From what you have said i think its clear she is intimidated by you - the fact you are younger and better looking than her says it all really.

 

Her actions say it all too - kinda ignoring you in private but not when in a crowd.

 

Sometimes you have to take things as they are and not doubt your instinct.

 

As for your friends - well i guess in time you will know who your true friends are. If they really do know the situation then they will see right through this as well unless they are desperate for any sort of company.

 

if it was me i would bitch behind their backs with my closest friends as much as possible and make it clear to them what is happening and how it feels to you. Rubbish them !

 

Alternatively you need to stay out their way as much as possible - and as i said then you will find out who your real friends are.

 

Personally i had a crapola day as well - It was clear Baldy was staying at hers last night as he came in at the same time as her then i overheard him telling someone how they went a walk yesterday at a country park near where i freakin live !

[Gisele]

Sorry whiskers, forgot to answer you, caught up in upset and anger!!

 

Our university offers free counselling (i could never afford it otherwise) at this stage i was crying every night, wanting to sleep all day..it wasnt good

 

So i went to make an appointment, walked into the office and asked for one, and am ashamed to say, started crying!

 

But it felt good to know i had done something about it

 

Had appointment the next day. She was a lovely woman, i remember expecting a wee matronly woman, she was in her 40s and really beautiful. just asked why i had made an appointment.

 

I didnt really know where to do start, but she let me talk and sob lol, and just listened. I was worried she would just sit there and nod, but she was great, just felt like talking to a wise friend, threw in comments like 'ill stop you there: he's a bastard'

 

Asked me if i was always this hard on myself. Asked me why i was making excuses for him. I didn't realise i was, until she repeated what i had just stated.

 

It was really cathartic. I kept apologising for wasting her time, when people would see her with 'more serious things, like drug addictions or bereavement'. She was nothing but reassuring and supportive, and really made me look at the way i treated MYSELF

 

She also just asked questions in general, that made me talk about things i was subconsciously worried about, but hadnt spoken to anyone about.

How i was worried about my little brothers (theyre very severely mentally disabled as well, and theyre so vulnerable in this world. Family is all they have). The guilt i felt for leaving glasgow to do medicine, and not being there to help my parents look after them. How i was worried about the break up affecting my work.

 

She arranged for me to see her again, but something came up and we had to cancel. I never booked another session. I dont know why. I think i should go back next semester.

 

I really would strongly recommend it to anyone who feels theyre not quite coping. There's nothing to lose, and it's more about listening to yourself in ways that surprise you, and looking at the situation from an impartial outsider's view than anything else. Anyone considering it: GO

[Gisele]

Ugh, sorry to hear that Kilty it's awful when it's clear theyve spent the night together!! My ex posted pictures of her lying on his bed (dressed!) after a night out we had all been on.

 

Not pleasant fuel for imagining what happened next

 

Part of me wants to just let them play this 'game' on their own. The tougher part of me refuses to quietly make way for them to chat up my friends while i passively go sit on my own

 

Why do they feel the need to do this??

 

He said how 'insanely happy' he is with her when i told him i have feelings, SHE has him (and has 7 years experience on me, how could she be intimidated!? Maybe when im 23 and shes 30!) so WHY move right in front of me to kiss, WHY start up conversations with anyone i happen to speak to mere minutes later, WHY can't they just enjoy the fact they have each other???

 

If i had him again, that's what i would be doing

 

Some things like the photos, that's their prerogative, and me being upset about it is something i need to deal with

 

But what theyre doing socially, and their general 'in your face' behaviour is what bothers me!

It's hard enough knowing theyre together

 

Break up already, dammit

[Ajax]

He said how 'insanely happy' he is with her when i told him i have feelings, SHE has him (and has 7 years experience on me, how could she be intimidated!?

 

Hey Gisele, sorry to hear about the ongoing situation.

 

As far as the intimidation factor, maybe she is. Did you know her at all before she got together with your ex, and if so what were your encoounters like? I'm just speculating here, but maybe she wants your life?

 

She may be older, but a lot of people in their mid-late twenties look back and wish they could be 19-21 again. Plus, she's 26, and basically at the same point in her life that you are at 19. You're younger, prettier, classier, and potentially smarter. You're on the career path that you want to be on at a younger age than her.

 

I think it's good that you went in to counseling. I went in to mmy school psychologist a couple weeks after my breakup and I think he really helped. Keep going next semester if you feel you need to.

 

I would be careful about complaining about your ex and his gal to others in your group though. They may percieve it as bitter and negative, and I don't think that's the image you want to convey. Stay classy! Be positive and compassionate (I think you are already) and people will see it eventually. And avoiding the ex and his gal (when possibe) is completely acceptable too.

 

My gut tells me that in a few months you're going to be attracting some real quality gentlemen, and that your ex is going to be mad with jealousy! But you'll have your pick of them and he's already blown his shot! Just don't break too many hearts yourself

[Gisele]

Thanks Ajax, you're always such a big help.

 

Im just exhausted from the whole thing. I feel like i can't speak to someone without them jumping in to re-assert themselves. Surely at 23 and 26 they wouldnt feel the need to fit in with the 'right' people, and make themselves the centre of attention like this??

 

I feel so lonely in this. They have each other. Why cant that be enough for them?

 

I only spoke to her a few times before all this. She seemed nice enough, but it was just general chitchat when we'd bump into each other. She was never very friendly, but she was polite. One time i was sitting with him and she came over and interrupted the conversation and starting chatting away to him and ignoring me.

 

I thought that was a bit rude. It's not like we were with a group, it was just the 2 of us!

She had a boyfriend then though

 

My closest friends arent their biggest fans anyway, from some of his behaviour that they witnessed

 

And they dont think very much of her for jumping into bed with him so soon after our breakup, particularly because she knew we had been together. Maybe she figured i had ended it, so it was fair game?

 

I really dont know what to do socially. I can see myself stepping back while they keep throwing themselves at my friends, and becoming isolated and forgotten about. Call me crazy, but my gut says that's what theyre trying to do, MAKE me insignificant.

 

I just dont know why

 

Yesterday wasnt great. Found myself looking at him again with that same feeling, wanting him back. Missing him

 

I havent broken NC though

[Gisele]

Nearly texted him. Stopped myself. I hate this whole situation.

[nini]

Nearly texted him. Stopped myself. I hate this whole situation.

 

 

Please dont text him Gisele, you'll really regret it after. Go do something to distract yourself...Big hug!

[bellabella]

Juat read your whole story, I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. Are you heading home for the summer? At least you will have a few months away from having to see them every day.

 

A few years ago I met a man, Lewis, a few years older than me. We went out on and off for 10 months. I had just come out of a long term relationship so probably stayed around that long with Lewis because i was worried about being single. Lewis was not nice to me, he put me down, got irrationally angry and threatened violence (didn't ever physically do anything though), was a compulsive liar, made me work for affection and never made the effort.

 

When I eventually had had enough - I'd been away visiting my sick niece and he refused to talk on the phone as he was all talked out from spending the weekend with his buddies - I broke up with him. That weekend he'd been away with a group, including a girl I hadn't met. Surprise surprise, less than a week after we broke up, they were together. Pics on fb of him and her being all lovey dovey, going on hols together, he told me how wonderful she was.

 

It hurt, and I felt the same as you, why is he so nice to her, but was so nasty to me, when i was a good girlfriend and tried so hard to make things work? However, (and i believe they are now engaged), now i think why would i want someone like that? Even if he treats her wonderfully, he is still a compulisve liar, still selfish and still has those mean capabilities, which at some point will impact their relationship. She is welcome to him in my opinion.

 

I have another ex in my circle of friends who i know has feelings for me, when i'm with my fiance, we hold back on the over the top PDAs out of respect. He is fully aware we are together but i don't rub it in his face, the fact your ex does this is another sign of his immaturity and it appears they are trying to get at you and it's working.

 

I know you can't avoid them, but you can delete him from fb, delete number from your phone and keep holding your head up high.

[Gisele]

Thank you both so much. Bellabella i cant believe you read all this, must have been a lot of rambling, it really helps to know others have felt like this too, that im not just crazy

 

I really wanted to believe they were just rebounding. Even if he isnt, i was convinced she was, or maybe i just cant fathom how a girl could go from getting dumped by her bf of nearly 2 years, and HOURS LATER have sex with another and start a relationship

 

theyve been together for nearly 4 months now though, and are going away to Spain for 3 weeks together

 

Am definitely going to avoid looking at THOSE photos when theyre plastered all over facebook!

 

My hand keeps going towards my phone. Nothing but embarrassment and disappointment could come from me texting him though.

 

I feel like by staying so strictly no contact with him, he's getting the impression 'oh my god, shes so in love with me she can't even speak to me, she's not over me'

 

Im not over him, but i dont want to give him further confirmation of that!!! His ego would love it. And mine could do without the extra beating.

[Gisele]

I've found myself sitting here in tears again. It feels like this is never going to get better.

 

Even when i ignore them, it just stings all the more when i find out (which i always do, theres no escaping them) theyve gotten closer and closer

 

I dont understand how he wants her, but didnt want me

 

Im never going to be able to fully get over him, seeing them both everyday like this

 

I feel so lonely, and rejected, and forgotten about

 

As if even my friends look at them as the lovey-dovey, popular couple, and me as the weak, rejected 'other girl'

[nini]

Gisele, neither of them can probably do better and with the sounds of it, they truly deserve each other.

 

A good man would never act the way he is acting and you should be relieved, you're better off without such a person in your life.

 

And re his girlfriend, she sounds very insecure and intimidated. To be honest, I have many friends who are doctors and by the age of 26 they have finished their degree and completed their foundation years and started their core medical training. In career aspect, she is in my opinion at least a good 4 years behind schedule, so maybe she is very jealous of you.

 

Dont beat yourself over him, he is not worth it. You are only 19, go out,have fun and soon you'll meet someone who deserves you.

[Kilty]

Gisele - honestly i have went through every emotion you have and it does get easier - you just have to fight through it and try not to think about them as much as possible.

When it comes into your head just say to yourself "STOP" and keep doing it.

 

You could also put an elastic band round your wrist and ping it at the same time so you get a small sting !

 

As i said it does get easier and the burn isnt so bad - you do become kinda immune to it.

 

And when i was trying to get my ex back she told me she was "happier than she has ever been"

 

Now just think of big skinny old ugly baldy - with an ex wife and 3 grown up kids and who had just recently been engaged to a girl that was pregnant by someone else.

 

He also comes across as a complete bore.

 

Thats when i realised she was talking utter pish when she said that and is clearly dillusional.

 

Call me the bitter jealous ex but i know that its true - she has just let her desperation and low self esteem allow her to be trapped and too scared to back out no matter how happy she says she is.

 

Happyness is a state of mind and there is only one person that can make yourself truly happy - and that is yourself

 

A year on i catch her out the corner of my eye and i know she is not truly happy.

 

The same scenario will happen with your ex once the honeymoon period wears off.

 

Even if it doesnt you will be over him by then and will have moved on.

 

Think about this - they do crash and burn and he comes running back to you telling you how sorry he is.

 

Would you take him back - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO you would not cos you are not desperate

 

Leave them to it and let them make their own mistakes

[Gisele]

Thanks Kilty. Today is rough.

 

Am starting to think that if he DID turn around and say he wanted me back, that id give him a chance!!

This is new. What's wrong with me?

 

Seeing him yday i realised just how strong my residual feelings were. Keep catching him looking at me, and it's starting to bother me. He should have the decency to not be so PDA-ish with her, given that he knows how i feel

 

 

There's a big night out tonight, everyone from the year going.

That's a lot of people, but id still see them. Being very loveydovey. It's guaranteed.

 

Have a dress and heels etc, i usually love getting all dressed up. some of my close friends are going, but ive still been indecisive about it all day.

 

I dont know if id just be torturing myself, or going just to defend my place socially.

 

Have until 9pm to figure it out :/

[Kilty]

There is nothing to figure out honeybunch !

 

Get yourself dolled up and look as sexy and glamerous as hell

 

Everything else will take care of itself - including the hundred or so other guys that cant take their eyes of you

 

If all that fails send me a text and i'll get the National Express doon for closing time - Guffaw

 

Get out there, forget about them and have a ball

 

And remember that wee elastic band and keep smiling x

[whiskers]

Gisele you should go on the night out! He might think you're not going because of him and you shouldn't give him the satisfaction. Also you'll probably have a really good time and may getting talking to new people, and if he sees you looking good all dressed up having a good time he will realise you're too good for him.

 

I know how you feel about feeling like you would take him back, I still feel like that sometimes but you have to remember the way he has made you feel, you don't deserve to be treated the way he has acted and when you meet a guy that makes you feel special and loved you will realise that you're so much better off

 

I've been reading through posts of people who have been in similar situations and do you think guys like this go through their lives acting like this to every girl they date or that they eventually change and meet someone who they don't treat that way?

[nini]

Gisele please go to the party and have loads and loads of fun. Just for tonight - pretend they dont exist. When you see him, tell yourself he's a stranger, and that guy you knew/loved/wanted is gone and you dont know this guy or his girl. Make sure you look fab and laugh a lot ok? If you find yourself thinking of him/wanting him, them making out etc etc. tell yourself '**** happens, worse things have happened to other ppl, I dont need him, I've got myself and my family, friends and career'.

 

I have my fingers crossed for you and really really hope you have an amazing time...who knows you might meet someone nice?

[Gisele]

Ok, im going to go. Nervous as hell, feel daft for it though, it's like stage fright!!

 

Whiskers i think they either meet someone who doesn't tolerate their poor behaviour as easily and realise they need to step it up, or they keep jumping between girls until they find one who doesn't care how she's treated, she just worships the ground he walks on.

 

Easy to do with some of the crueller types, who seem to be master manipulators at first (there's got to be some honey in the pot to get people stuck!) and have quite a lot of arrogance. They make you feel inferior, because they want you to be.

 

My main motivation for leaving, was not becoming one of those women

 

Or they spend a lot of their life behaving poorly and treating girlfriends in a sub-par manner, and eventually gather enough maturity and self-awareness over time to realise they are a bit of a bastard, and should probably stop.

 

Sometimes people are just bad eggs, and will attempt to mask or suppress their true, crueller nature for women, then eventually let it show, and move onto the next.

 

4 different options. I don't know which one my ex is :/

 

Right, time to sexy it up haha.

Have a gorgeous new red dress so at least i won't be digging through my wardrobe wondering what to wear!

 

You guys are great ill let you know how well/badly it turns out! At least i won't be hiding

[nini]

Right, time to sexy it up haha.

Have a gorgeous new red dress so at least i won't be digging through my wardrobe wondering what to wear!

 

You guys are great ill let you know how well/badly it turns out! At least i won't be hiding

 

Thats the spirit!! It will turn out well, have the confidence and faith! Good things happen to good people

[Ajax]

Right, time to sexy it up haha.

Have a gorgeous new red dress so at least i won't be digging through my wardrobe wondering what to wear!

 

 

Okay, now I'm going to come out and admit that I'm jealous of any lucky guy who meets you tonight

 

Have fun Gisele, you deserve it!

[whiskers]

Hope you have a good time, let us know how it goes!

[Gisele]

I am absolutely shattered, stayed at a girlfriend's flat last night and didnt get much sleep!

 

*drumroll, ladies and gentlemen*..........

 

They weren't there

 

and it was absolute heaven. At first i spent a lot of the night waiting for them to pop up somewhere, and waiting to resign myself to the usual 'right, theyre groping each other over in that area, so i can avoid it by skirting around that table..' and 'he used to play with my hair like that ' type of thoughts

 

It was like i could breathe again. had such a good time. Thanks to all of you for making me go, got to talking to so many people, and a few new faces. Got a lot of looks from guys and compliments from ones that weren't strangers (I made sure i looked my best before going, anything i can control in this situation, i do lol!).

Felt like the old me. It's really boosted my spirits.

 

Of course, when i got home early this morning I checked facebook (i dont want to give them the satisfaction of knowing i felt i needed to block them, so i just made it so their posts dont come up in my newsfeed, then try to not click on their profiles. However, facebook decided to be a bit of a bastard, and does this new thing where it puts their status/conversation/photo in my newsfeed, and instead says '*insert mutual friend's name* likes/commented on your ex's 'sexy' banter with his new girlfriend' so i end up seeing it all anyway.

ZUCKERBERG I AM NOT IMPRESSED).

 

And a few friends, not very close but ones i know well were leaving comments under one playful conversation like 'aw you guys seem so in love, it's so cute' and 'get a room you two!'

 

I got that same feeling i always do when i see stuff like that and picture him with her, it's a bit what i imagine a punctured lung to feel like. Ive seen a punctured lung, and it's not pleasant.

 

Though ive also realised they must go round to each other's places, both log onto facebook, and sit and have a conversation with each other :/ what's THAT about? have realised that facebook in general is a bit poisonous, but it's also helped me realise just how image obsessed these two are. They are putting so much effort into maintaining a constant 'we're so in love' image on it.

 

Though ill be honest: the 'you two seem so in love!' comment did shake me. Anything that shows how serious they are does. I cant imagine him telling her he LOVES her though...i dont want to. This guy jumped between women every few months, obviously didnt like being alone. But an 'i love you'? If shes managed to change him that much, that's a really bitter pill to swallow.

 

Saw him today when i was standing talking to my friends and he was a bit further away standing in a group. He looked over at me and smiled and gave a slight wave (THIS IS NEW) and i was so shocked by it that i didnt have time to react or smile back, and he just turned away looking a bit surprised/hurt, with an 'ok...' expression.

Im pretty sure i just looked at him with a blank expression then glanced away

 

I am an idiot.

 

I need faster response times to these things. I was like a confused old lady.

 

so, im worried that combined with absolute NC for about a month now, and what would have seemed like a rejection of any social niceties, that he thinks i am furious/upset/in love with him.

 

NOT HAPPY

 

He kept turning around then in class and staring at me periodically. I was looking a bit rough from last night i think lol, so i wish he hadn't. It was as if my apparent 'shunning' of him had piqued his interest :/ whats going on there?

 

So i got back to my flat pretty fast, i didnt want to see him hanging about with her after class. And i needed to sleep haha

 

Next big challenge, is a HUGE event on tuesday night.

 

Girls are getting all dolled up (though it's not a formal, evening-wear event or anything) and they will DEFINITELY both be attending this one, my luck wont last.

 

It was nice just to have last night though. Still feel nervous/uncertain about going on tuesday, especially because i wanted last night to kind of remind me how to cope in the situation and toughen me up for this big night out, and they weren't even there.

 

Can't thank you guys enough for encouraging me to go. Got approached by a few guys, and it was a lovely reminder that just because i dont have him, doesnt mean others dont want ME.

Still...tuesday is my Everest haha

Edited May 25, 2011 by Gisele

[Kilty]

Only one word to say Gisele and thats - YAY

 

Secondly - in the length of time i have been on FB i've learned that those that post endlessly about their other halves only leads to one conclusion -

A nasty fall

 

Honestly anyone that needs to do this on FB is extremely insecure and is looking for validation.

 

Anyone thats truly in love/happy with someone does not go to these lengths

 

In fact you would never be on FB much if you were with someone and are that happy.

 

Trust me its a complete pile of BS

 

When you are in a relationship like the one they are supposed to be in you keep your intimacy between each other. It is a personal thing for the two of you alone.

 

Showing it off to the whole word endlessly is pointless - after all who would really care - so there is another reason for it and it's not about being in love or happy

 

See through it

 

And you gave the perfect reaction to him today 100% - and i want you to repeat that from now on.

 

You dont acknowledge him at all unless it's neccesary - and that includes ignoring waves.

 

Smooch

 

It is just total falseness.

[Ajax]

It was like i could breathe again. had such a good time. Thanks to all of you for making me go, got to talking to so many people, and a few new faces. Got a lot of looks from guys and compliments from ones that weren't strangers (I made sure i looked my best before going, anything i can control in this situation, i do lol!).

Felt like the old me. It's really boosted my spirits.

 

 

Sounds like it was a good thing you went. I think the thoughts of them are normal though. I'd have been thinking the same thing in your position. And it always gives you a little perspective when other people show interest in you. Gives you a little ego boost. Any chance you can get one of these fellas to go with you to your event on Tuesday?

 

I got that same feeling i always do when i see stuff like that and picture him with her, it's a bit what i imagine a punctured lung to feel like. Ive seen a punctured lung, and it's not pleasant.

 

Once again I sympathize. I had a similar feeling a few weeks ago when I saw a picture of my ex and her new beau on Facebook, and all the commenets were "Oh you two are so cute," and "you're so perfect for each other." Bah... A year ago they were writing the same things about us. It really got under my skin.

 

so, im worried that combined with absolute NC for about a month now, and what would have seemed like a rejection of any social niceties, that he thinks i am furious/upset/in love with him.

 

My thinking here is that it's best not to consider what he's thinking. Frankly, his behavior and treatment of you has earned him your anger and hatred. If he does think this, then he has only himself to blame. I'm not even sure what you percieve to have been social niceties on his part that you may have rejected. You've done what you had to do to cope with a painful situation, and have nothing to be ashamed of.