Bad to worse!

[nini]

whoop whoop!!! so glad you had fun last night gisele, I wish many more fun nights come your way

 

Re the whole facebook thing, I've realised one thing, the couples that I look upto, admire, slightly envy are those that do not really contact each other on facebook at all. In fact, I've just checked and some of them dont even have the whole married to, in relationship with etc thing on FB. Maybe its coz they are so happy, content in their lives that the thought on putting pictures, comments, wall posts etc. on each others walls doesnt even cross their mind.

On the other hand, some couples find it absolutely necessary to be all over each other on facebook, maybe coz their relationship doesnt satisfy then until someone else posts comments like 'you're so much in love' and then they get a short-lived thrill and then once that goes they post more pictures lol.

[Gisele]

Thanks for replying everyone. Don't know where my head would be at without your advice!!

 

I really hope i can get to the stage where i look at them and think 'they're in their midtwenties and spend every minute on a social networking site trying to get in with the 'popular' crowd'

 

Right now it just feels like im looking at the girl who has the guy i still like, and because they're networking like crazy and cosying up to my friends, it feels like THEY prefer her, too

 

What really upsets me is seeing people who KNOW about some of the worse things he did to me, people who'd id see as friends, but are also the exact same people leaving comments like 'you two are sooo adorable. perfect for each other! '

 

One of the nights i realised i wasn't happy, was near the end of our relationship. We were out with a group of people from our course, about 20 of us, and had just been going round between bars and clubs in london.

 

At this stage in the night, we had been to about 4 different places beforehand, and i could tell i was going past tipsy and getting a bit drunk.

 

We went into the 5th club and i just felt exhausted, and really woozy, so after about ten minutes of chatting to everyone I said to him i didn't feel too great, had a bit too much to drink and was going to leave

 

He said 'oh right, bummer, im staying with these guys for a while though'

 

Looking back now im actually really upset that i was so impressionable and naive that i thought 'ok, he wants to stay...ill go on my own'. He gave me a kiss, and i got my coat and walked out alone

 

We were in a pretty rough part of london. Miles away from my flat, so of course i was going to phone a taxi. The streets were also pretty empty because of the time of night, and it being pretty far away from the main bars and clubs. It was winter and i was absolutely freezing, and i only had a thin trench coat over a dress, and i remember feeling pretty uneasy because there were a lot of men hanging around, absolutely wasted, shouting random stuff at each other. One of them tried calling me over.

 

I went back and stood near the entrance of the club, took my phone out to call a taxi before realising i didnt even have any cash.

I sent him a text saying sorry but i didnt have any money on me left, and asked if he could come outside so i could borrow a few pounds

 

He replied "im with these guys, why didnt you ask before you went out if you wanted money? it's not my fault you forgot"

 

He didnt come out.

 

I didn't want money, i needed money! I tried phoning a friend of mine: voicemail. it was 3am, who could blame her.

 

So i just walked (in heels....was not great!) towards what i thought was the busier part of town until i got to a cash machine, finally got some money and phoned a taxi. Taxi took about 20 mins to get there. When i got in I just burst into tears. Out of relief, i think.

I had been standing out there for about 40 mins in total. It doesnt sound like long, but in winter when it's 3am, pitch dark and just you and random drunk men, it was horrible.

 

my taxi driver was scottish too, funnily enough, and i remember telling him the story through tears and him being horrified, and launching into some big rant about "how some of these ******* english lads treat their girls, and i needed to get a decent scottish man"

 

i thought 'no, ive probably made it sound worse than it was. maybe i was being oversensitive, he just wanted to have fun with the other 20 people'

 

What was wrong with me. I definitely woke something up in me though.

 

God, ive really upset myself actually from reliving that. Not a good memory.

 

the next day he just acted as if nothing had happened.

 

So it really stings to see him apparently treating her so well.

 

And some of those people leaving the 'aww you guys are lovely together' comments? Im still friends with them, they knew he did that. They were disgusted at him.

So why do i now feel so alone.

 

Facebook is the devil, it really is

[Ajax]

I think you're mind is starting to see him for what and who he is. Actually I take that back. I went and read up on your backstory and think that you saw him for what and who he was when you broke up with him. A completely self absorbed and immature man-child. Possibly narcisistic.

 

You know this guy is bad new for you. Now we just have to get your heart caught up to your brain!

 

So it really stings to see him apparently treating her so well.

 

And some of those people leaving the 'aww you guys are lovely together' comments? Im still friends with them, they knew he did that. They were disgusted at him.

So why do i now feel so alone.

 

Facebook is the devil, it really is

 

Key word here, Gisele, is "apparent." I looked it up on doctionary.com and this is their definition of apparent

ap·par·ent

 

1) capable of being easily perceived or understood; plain or clear; obvious: The solution to the problem was apparent to all.

 

2) according to appearances, initial evidence, incomplete results, etc.; ostensible rather than actual: He was the apparent winner of the election.

 

 

 

The second definition is the one we should look at. According to appearances. It appears that he's treating her well and that they're happy. That doesn't necessarily mean it's true. The evidence you should be looking at is the clear evidence that is right in front of you: He treated you poorly. And you had the self respect to walk away from it.

 

As for Facebook, I understand your reluctance to block them, but it might be the best thing to do for your own peace of mind. I also failed to block my ex. I de-friended her, and like you feared she would take that as a sign that I was bitter and/or not over her. Truth be told, I was bitter and not over her. I was afraid that I'd end up seeing things I didn't want to see, but since I didn't outright block her, I ended up seeing them anyway. But none of our mutual friends blamed me for defriending her. They knew that it was what I had to do to help myself move on. I think you should consider it too.

Edited May 25, 2011 by Ajax

[Kilty]

Gisele - i can see clearly through your posts and empathise.

 

IT IS NOT HIM YOU MISS

 

It is the thought of being with someone decent and treating you right.

 

It's good you are not putting him on a pedastal and not forgetting the ****ty things he did to you.

 

If this guy really had cared about you he would have never behaved the way he did from that story.

 

IT IS NOT HIM YOU MISS

 

Its just the fact that a part of your life where you were used to something is no longer there and you are having to adjust.

 

If this guy had been the perfect boyfriend and made you feel happy then you would have reason to miss him

 

But he wasnt (by a long chalk) and you werent (by a country mile)

 

IT IS NOT HIM YOU MISS

 

Do you think if you got back together he would change so much things would be different ? Deep down you know thats fantasy

 

IT IS NOT HIM YOU MISS

 

Your ego has been severely dented that someone has taken him on so quickly and because of this your mind is foolishly starting to doubt your decision to end it.

 

IT IS NOT HIM YOU MISS

 

Your confidence has been dented because of the way this guy treated you.

He treated you like crap and you got used to it

 

IT IS NOT HIM YOU MISS

 

You think this girl is better than you but again thats your mind playing tricks. Feel sorry for her because he will treat her the same as he did you. As someone else said previously - people dont change that much.

She is desperate as she has just been dumped and has latched on to him

 

IT IS NOT HIM YOU MISS

 

You miss the routine of a boyfriend. You miss the contact of a boyfriend.

Not because you need a boyfriend but because you have been used to having one.

 

IT IS NOT HIM YOU MISS

 

If you didnt have to be in this guys company you would forget about him within days.

 

Smooch

[Gisele]

I dont think his behaviour with her is just apparent...when we were going out, i dont think we ever used facebook to talk

 

If we wanted to speak to each other, we texted/called

 

But with her they plaster each other with inside jokes and little comments, all day every day. They seem obsessed with each other.

 

I cant help feeling like maybe there was something inherently wrong with me, and THAT'S why he behaved the way he did. Because i deserved it

 

He had a lot of guys jokingly telling him i was way out of his league in the beginning (i think they were just being nice towards me), and everytime he heard it, he would laugh it off, then act coldly towards me

 

I just wish i understood why he did things the way he did. Im scared it's all my fault, and it'll happen again because im lacking selfawareness

[Ajax]

I cant help feeling like maybe there was something inherently wrong with me, and THAT'S why he behaved the way he did. Because i deserved it

 

 

 

Just for the sake of argument, let's say there is something inherently wrong with you... would that justify his treatment of you? I don't think so. I think a decent person treats people with dignity and respect, regardless of wether or not there's something "wrong" with them.

 

It's normal to have these moments of self doubt, but it's not good to be stuck in them. I've had moments of feeling that I must not have deserved my ex, or that it was my fault she wasn't happy with me. But it's just tricks my mind is playing on me.

 

There wasn't anything wrong with you specifically, but there was something wround with you as a couple. But part of that is what he did or didn't bring to the table.

 

I'm not a psychologist, so my opinion is just an opinion, but his behavior and treatment of you screams insecurity. If people were saying you were out of his league, even jokingly, and he was insecure, it might have gone to his head.

 

You mention that he would be hot/cold. In my experience it's a defense mechanism. He didn't feel comfortable letting his guard down with you. But that again is not your fault. That's his issue that he needs to resolve

 

The important thing for you is to keep living your life for yourself. His actions are not a reflection of you, so no need to try to get inside his head or seek answers. Stay in your world.

[Gisele]

Thanks for replying you guys. Really am having a stress attack over all this

 

It wouldn't hurt so much if their attempts to cosy up to my friends werent WORKING. People who i knew all of first year, who theyve never even spoken to, suddenly joining in all their wee facebook things

 

These two are very loud, and very eager to climb the social ladder, they don't 'waste time' talking to quieter members of our course, and seek out the more confident, popular ones that they feel are the ones to impress

 

And he's charming. And it works

 

And it leaves me feeling even more isolated

 

the only comfort i have is that when/IF they eventually break up, theyll be in a situation were they have to tiptoe round each OTHER, and try and share all these mutual friends. At least im lucky enough to have many close friends who wouldnt touch him with a bargepole after they overheard some of the things he said to me. Theyve made a situation where they've surrounded themselves with people, but in the sense of being 'the It Couple'

 

Hopefully by then ill have learnt to stand on my own 2 feet, and will be over it

 

Really makes things a struggle though. So desperately want them to split before 3rd year. I dont think i can take another year of this, especially with them becoming even more and more prominent socially, and loveydovey

[Ajax]

These two are very loud, and very eager to climb the social ladder, they don't 'waste time' talking to quieter members of our course, and seek out the more confident, popular ones that they feel are the ones to impress

 

 

The higher they climb the further they'll fall? They truely sound like delightful people. I bet though that at least some people see through their BS.

 

My impression is that they are the types of people who can't be alone. The fact that they jumped into a relationship with each other so soon after they each had a breakup points to that. It's sad when someone hates their life so much that they need to latch onto someone else to feel better.

 

The "it couple" image may just be a facade. Like I said before, they seem like fairly insecure people.

 

As for the stress, have you tried meditation? It works for a lot of people as long as they stick with it. There are plenty of books on it and I bet you could find some workshops to get you started.

[Gisele]

Kilty your post is a big help, keep reading it when my mind wanders to thoughts of him, though in weaker moments im still thinking 'but i DO miss him... ' lol im working on it

 

Ajax i think you're right in saying that they don't like to be alone.

 

But that also crushes a lot of the hope that they'll break up anytime soon, and i can breathe a bit better in class. I dont know, they just seem like they'd be easier to handle when not presenting a united, very affectionate front

 

Nearly texted him again today, stopped myself. I think him rejecting me makes stopping myself easier.

 

And nini i think you're right about the facebook thing...all the strongest, classiest couples i know barely speak to each other on it. These two must leave about 6 posts on each other's walls PER DAY.

 

It doesnt make me feel that much better though, either im a sucker for any sort of facade, or i believe it's because each other is all they think about.

 

Which might be the case.

 

Argh. Them breaking up, or not having to see them everyday = a dream come true

 

I think it's toughened me up as a person though. It's really hard having to see him with her everyday, with no escape or respite (and with the possibility of this continuing for the next few years!), but i think im getting a bit better at dealing with it in front of them

 

I say 'in front of them' because i still need to come on here and vent haha

[Kilty]

Gisele

 

You have to get the thought of contacting him out of your mind and delete all trace of his number as well as blocking them both from FB - and not only for your own sanity.

 

If you do text him here is what will happen -

 

As soon as the text leaves your phone you will feel great, although nervous, and will feel relieved you have given in to your instinct.

 

From the first minute you dont get a response, a horrible feeling in your gut will start and will keep building up till you feel a million times worse than you do now.

 

Alternatively you get a response (maybe not immediately) that will give you that horrible feeling instantly.

 

Then there is the scenario that he tells her that you have texted him - which could then be passed onto mutual friends - and immediately you become the sad/jealous ex girlfriend.

 

I know this is what you dont want to hear- but it is just a likely warning of what most probably will happen once you do this.

 

You are also giving him 100% more power over you by doing this.

 

Honestly you will feel much better if you remove temptation by destroying his number and deleting/blocking them from FB - alternatively deregister your FB account for a couple of months and forget about using it altogether.

[Gisele]

You're right Kilty. And thanks for writing that, it'll give me something to read when i get tempted again!

 

Last thing i want is to get that reputation, particularly because the last time we talked, he was basically interrogating me on my sex life and men he'd seen me with

 

Also i wouldnt want to give his ego any more of a boost than i already have

 

Was on facebook not 5 minutes ago, and just proving your advice, she's written:

 

"Flat upstairs just after complaining about the noise last night xxx"

 

MENTAL PICTURES. Ugh, ugh, ugh. FML.

 

I have to get rid of facebook. Im torturing myself.

 

But really now, she HAD to use facebook to tell him that?? She couldnt text?

Maybe im old-fashioned, but i just think it's trashy.

[Kilty]

See through it Gisele - It's all BS

And trashy doesnt even come close - even if it wasnt fibs and exaggerations

 

Now get them deleted and blocked !

[Mack05]

Gisele,

 

There is some great advice given on this thread by Pete..

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t279515/

 

As for ""Flat upstairs just after complaining about the noise last night xxx"

 

Are u kidding me with this!? Oh my god what a classless girl this is. I have a lot of mates and not one of them would want their girls posting that kind of thrash talk. I have NO idea why you would be intimidated by a girl like that! These loud mouth/bragging people in my experience are the most insecure people behind the facade. They are both phonies! Their relationship probably has no chance long term and when they do break up you will realise 1) I don't want him back now or ever again 2) Why did I spend so much time being jealous/intimidated/obsessing/etc/etc about them.

 

Delete them! Your WAY better then them. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you should be feeling sorry for them. I assure you, in time you will laugh at them. Take control back to you, focus on you (not them!). I know you find this forum comforting (I guess we all do that is why we are here) but enough is enough. Your better then this Gisele. Don't think you are. KNOW YOU ARE..

[Gisele]

I think i find them intimidating because:

 

a) they're older than me, and it's hard to tell sometimes if they're just being loud and obnoxious or if they've just got more confidence that comes with age. Im hardly shy. But they're just on another level in terms of confidence and bravado

 

b) he rejected me, so i do feel inferior and unattractive to him. I think that's natural though

 

c) i view her as the girl he's upgraded to, so constantly have to keep stopping myself from making comparisons

 

Have decided to take a break from facebook altogether for a while, see how it goes

 

Really upset me last night seeing that comment she left actually. I cant tell if she's doing it out of insecurity, or if they're both so infatuated with each other that they don't care who sees. Hope it's the former

 

Thanks for your responses. Ajax and Kilty especially, you should be given some sort of community service certificate for how much you've helped me haha

 

Speaking of which, how's everything going on your end Kilty? Any more strange behaviour since the day in the carpark?

[Kilty]

Nothing at all Gisele - thankfully.

Although i do believe he was staying with her most of this week.

I was walking into work from the car park when she drove past with him in car - i'll need to adjust my starting times i think.

 

If anything i have seen less of her - its as if she has been avoiding the canteen (normally she takes lunch 12.30 - 1pm and i go 1pm - 1.30pm)

 

Usually i hang fire giving her plenty time to depart the area but on occassions and more regularly her and her friend(s) were hanging on till just after 1pm so there was sightings.

 

But there has been none of that this week.

 

I have been looking as smart as feck this week though and one of the girls on old baldys group commented on it - i just said its nothing special, just as long as i look much better than a certain person

 

That wouldnt be hard was her answer !

 

However i do not want her back - could not take her back - and dont want anything to do with either of them

 

Its just at the moment circumstances prevent that

 

There was a time i would have taken her back but not now

 

The mind plays tricks and lets you believe you want that - but the reality is you dont.

[Rory12345]

Hey there Gisele,

 

I've read all of your posts about your situation and I must say that I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation.

 

Anyway, about your ex's new girlfriend. In my opinion, it's insecurity. I, like you, believe that you shouldn't post things like that. In my experience, the only reason people talk about that subject is because they need to prove something to someone. It seems like it is to make you jealous.

 

Another point. In some respects (I could be wrong), I believe that your ex is being so "lovey dovey" with his new girl because he his just trying to ignore the break up with you. What I mean is, I am trying to distract myself by doing work, going to the gym and reading. So this could be his way of ignoring it.

 

You have no reason to feel intimidated by her. By the sounds of it you are a lovely person with many things going for you. Stay strong.

 

If I was one of your friends and saw what was going on, I would dislike them just because it just isn't right in my mind. I am sure your friends feel the same.

 

I hope this helped.

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Gisele]

Hey Rory, sorry to hear you're in a similar situation it's so tough having to see them at uni everyday isn't it?

 

Ive read your thread, please dont get sucked into everything she says and does on facebook now that she's reactivated!

I always feel like i have to have ALL the information that i can, in any situation, but ive realised that by keeping track of their ins and outs, im just hurting myself.

 

It's not going to make me any stronger when i see them, i think right now im treating it like a vaccine: expose myself to a little bit of the pain and toxin now, and ill be immune when i have to face them in all their PDA glory later. Im going to find out at some stage, so why not take control and find out on my own?

 

Nope. Ignorance really is bliss when it comes to this. Im kidding myself if i think it'll strengthen me, all im ultimately doing is making sure that everything they throw at me hits its target, 100% of the time.

 

I still find it really hard to resist sometimes, but as ajax, kilty and mack keep saying to me, ignoring them really is the best thing to do

 

Especially in our situation where proper NC isnt possible! Hope you keep us updated on how things are for you. And the summer wont hurt either!

 

In other news, tuesday night's big event got moved to wednesday night.

 

Gives me one more day to actually summon up the courage to go, and be in a fairly confined space with them all night!

Think i might do a bit of retail therapy and at least try to make sure i look my best

[Rory12345]

Gisele,

 

Thanks for the reply!

 

I got caught in my emotions when I posted my last comment on my thread. After just sitting and thinking about it for a while, I deactivated my facebook as, like you said, it is just going to make me hurt. Also, when looking through old comments from her that, well that person I fell for, is no longer there. She's not the same person and that gives me some peace of mind.

 

A question, my apologies if you have answered it before, what stage of emotions are you at with your ex? I remember reading that you said that you still love him. As all I was going to say is that do you still see him as you did while you were together?

 

I agree. Full no contact doesn't work while at university but ignoring sounds like the best idea at the moment. Just try to avoid them as much as possible and keep doing what you want to do. When do you go back for summer?

 

I would recommend some therapy, I've used it and have found it's been brilliant.

 

 

Of course there will be points where you find it hard, we all do. Thankfully we have a place here where we can vent everything and afterwards feel that little bit better.

 

Good luck for Wednesday. Go! Don't let your ex stop you from doing what you want to do, get out into the world and enjoy it. We only have a short time on this Earth. I am sure it will be a brilliant night and I, along with others, look forward to hearing about it. Thursday night for me. So, I'll take strength from you for going!

 

Regards,

 

Rory

[Ajax]

In other news, tuesday night's big event got moved to wednesday night.

 

Gives me one more day to actually summon up the courage to go, and be in a fairly confined space with them all night!

Think i might do a bit of retail therapy and at least try to make sure i look my best

 

What exactly is this event, if you don't mind my asking? Retail therapy is kind of fun sometimes, as long as you don't go overboard. Regardless of what you end up getting, I'm sure you'll be stunning!

[Gisele]

Im not sure about love, and never was (i dont think ive ever been in love. If i was, ill be disappointed if that's what it feels like!) but i still have very, very strong feelings for him

 

Probably made stronger since he said 'no' too, which is typical but very annoying

 

Still get that butterflies feeling when i see him. Still feel sick when i see them together.

 

It doesn't help that he keeps looking at ME, catching glances here and there. If he would act as if i was invisible, i think i could accept things a lot faster

 

It's also just the way i am though. If i like someone, it's hard for me to let go, than with someone im not fussed about. I think i can be a bit all or nothing.

 

I definitely have more of a 'tend and befriend' nature than 'fight or flight'

 

Makes it so much harder when dealing with things like this though!

 

I keep telling myself that a lot of what i feel for him is the product of my own imagination: I'M making him into the guy i wanted him to be, but he didnt live up to it and i cant let go of the hope

 

How do you feel about your ex girlfriend?

[Rory12345]

I was in love with her, I truly believe it. The way she made me feel was an experience I have never had. I look back at those times with great happiness as that person I still care for.

 

Now, she is dead to me. It's just all the little promises she made to me after we split up and now she broke all of them. She's gone back to the person she was before we got together. It hurts from time to time but I am getting on with it.

 

Sorry for droning on about myself this is your thread not mine!

 

You need to knock him of the pedestal in your mind and realize that he is not how he used to be and he probably never will be.

 

A question for you:

Would you take him back? If so, why?

 

Regards,

 

Rory.

[Gisele]

Today's my birthday. Was hoping for a text from him, even just a fb message...nope.

 

I know it's stupid but it's upset me

[Mack05]

Today's my birthday. Was hoping for a text from him, even just a fb message...nope.

 

I know it's stupid but it's upset me

 

Happy birthday Gisele. We all Love you..

[Rory12345]

Happy birthday! Have a great day.

 

Regards,

 

Rory.

[Ajax]

Happy Birthday, Gisele.

 

Try not to get too hung up on the fact that he didn't send his B-Day wishes. I'm sure there's plenty of peoplemore important than he is that remembered.

 

Got any plans?