Bad to worse!

[Gisele]

Sorry, am back! Actually had a really good night, bumped into him briefly but i was speaking to someone at the time. He looked good. Really good

 

Saw her too, got the stomach lurch feeling. I had a horrible moment the other day when i realised: he probably never even thinks of me. He crosses my mind multiple times a day, and he most likely isnt even attracted to me anymore: he has her. That hurt like hell.

 

Im feeling optimistic though, i think the summer might help. Im heading back to glasgow in about a week!

 

just been really busy the past few days, my head is now all over the place from recent events. Was at a house warming party yesterday evening, and a lot of old friends were there.

 

One of my good male friends took me to the side in a very secretive manner, and told me that another friend J (who ive known for about 5 years) had confessed to him earlier that night that he was in love with me, that he had been for years and that he didnt know what to do about it because he was convinced 'it'll ruin the friendship, and she'd never say yes'

 

He told me that J had insisted he didnt want a relationship anyway, but he thought i was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, that he couldn't imagine finding a better girl...but he didnt want to commit, even though it killed him to see me with other guys and he didnt know what to do about it

 

It was just...wow. A lot of information. :/ im kind of still reeling. Im extremely flattered, shocked and confused all at once

 

Honestly ive had feelings for J too, but i thought it was one sided on MY part! I also dont think i was particularly good at hiding it at times. He's a fantastic guy.

 

But still...he never told me these things, and from my experience if a guy wants to be with you, there's no 'im not looking for a relationship' lines, he'll make it happen because he wouldn't let the opportunity pass

 

it's really made me think. I couldnt do anything anyway because that would just be cruel: im clearly not over my ex yet.

 

But i think i should keep looking. I think all women deserve a guy who likes them enough to not let anything stop them from going after her.

 

Im a bit of a romantic though :/

anyway: at least it wasnt all out in the open so the friendship is still fine

 

 

Found myself desperately staring at my phone willing my ex to text again. NC seems like it's gone on forever. It's definitely helping, but the idea that he thinks im not talking to him because he thinks im too hopelessly heartbroken due to my unrequited feelings is a REALLY hard one to swallow

 

Would sending a simple 'how are you?' really be the end of the world??

 

Hows everything going for you all anyway? Thanks for asking ajax, you've been such a huge support. Id be halfway to a breakdown without this place!

 

Everything ok with you rory?

And any new developments kilty? Was thinking about what you said the other day, about his mates all throwing him a party before his wedding. That's going to be tough have you decided whether to take the days off or not?

[Kilty]

Yes sending a simple "How are You" would be the end of the World !

No contact means you keep the power

 

You said it yourself Gisele

 

"I think all women deserve a guy who likes them enough to not let anything stop them from going after her."

 

Settling for your ex back , especially when you have to initiate contact, will be second best at this point.

 

Why not tell your friend that you like J as well and let things go from there but dont worry or think about it.

 

No developments on my front - its her birthday this weekend and they were both off - sigh

 

Yeah i probably will take the day off that old baldy finishes up - as for his friends they are only work colleagues and they would only be doing it as a courtesy same as if anyone else was getting married - but it's not long now.

 

She is back to avoiding me again after a brief respite so it's all good - i think

[Gisele]

I would take it off. There's definitely a line between standing your ground and just exposing yourself to unnecessary hurt!

 

I found myself realising the other day, especially due to a lot of the 'go no contact and focus on yourself, make yourself a better version of you from all this' and realised...that's what im trying to do, study hard, keep busy with other friends, look better physically

 

And the compliments and comments pour in from other people, but i just feel like by doing all this: im STILL vying for his attention: to make him notice that ive gotten better/ to get revenge / to make him see what he's missing

 

im very much still focusing on him

 

What's the difference and danger in thinking this way? Does it matter if your ex is the motivator for bettering yourself, or is that still fixating and obsessing on them?

 

It IS great motivation for really kicking things up a gear, and im doing it to feel stronger and better for ME as well....but im scared that ultimately....ill be back to square one if they come back from summer stronger than ever, and i still havent heard one word from him :/

[Kilty]

I do the same - i make sure i am looking my best at all times and better turned out than old baldy - but as one of the girls said - that wouldnt be hard.

Guess i am being unfair on him - he is clearly pushing the boat out for her and she happy.

The proof in the pudding will be when she is finally trapped and they are together 24/7.

 

The best advice i can give you is from my own experience the last year.

 

I like you was hoping things wouldnt work out for them but the more i hoped the stronger they appeared to be.

 

I hoped it wouldnt last - they went on holiday

I hoped the holiday would break them - they came back engaged.

I hoped that it was just rebound and after a month or two it would be off - the wedding date was set and honeymoon booked.

 

And at every announcement a bit of me was ripped out.

 

So - the best idea is to give up all hope and expect the worse between them.

Expect them to get stronger and last forever etc etc and the blows when they come will not be as bad

 

I have now resigned myself and have done for the last few months and things are better - i am also hating her more each day.

 

Some say there is a fine line between love and hate - but na there isnt.

 

I hate her for seeing the person she really is and that i didnt see it sooner - well thats not true - i hate myself for being right about the whole thing and walking away thinking i was wrong about everything

 

So give up Gisele - accept they are going to go down the same route as my ex and you will feel better.

 

Give up all hope and take a deep breath and relax x

[Ajax]

Sorry, am back! Actually had a really good night, bumped into him briefly but i was speaking to someone at the time. He looked good. Really good

 

Well at least it was a good night otherwise, right?

 

And the thing about finding out your friend is in love with you, that's a surprise! I'm not going to suggest you explore that option if you really don't want to, but maybe it is something worth being open to if you are attracted to him. If not now, at least someday when you're over your ex.

 

 

But still...he never told me these things, and from my experience if a guy wants to be with you, there's no 'im not looking for a relationship' lines, he'll make it happen because he wouldn't let the opportunity pass

 

it's really made me think. I couldnt do anything anyway because that would just be cruel: im clearly not over my ex yet.

 

But i think i should keep looking. I think all women deserve a guy who likes them enough to not let anything stop them from going after her.

 

Im a bit of a romantic though :/

 

Personally, I'm a romantic too, and I've always found the idea of falling for a friend appealing. In fact I did it once, fell head over heals, but she didn't feel the same. It's all water under the bridge now and the friendship survived.

 

But here's my point... If he said that he's not looking for a relationship with you it doesn't necessarily mean that's the case. I know we all say on here that if someone says they're not looking or ready for a relationship that we should believe them, but when it's a friend, most of the conventional wisdom goes out the window. In my case, I might have said the same thing to try to relieve pressure on the situation.

 

And as far as him not actively persuing you, it took me a year to work up the courage to tell my friend how I felt. It's not like just asking some girl you've met a few times or someone out at a bar for a date. When you persue a friend, you have a lot to lose. So he may just be protecting himself in this case. If you do decide you're interested, he'd probably appreciate just a little encouragement

[Gisele]

Didnt have a great morning, mutual friends not being very tactful about the situation! Discussing how 'in love' they look

 

Which hurts on two counts because one: it reminds me that they're not going anywhere soon, and two: trust me, this guy was not the 'love' type.

 

He even said it himself that he's "had girls fall in love with him but he doesn't 'operate' that way and that's just the way he is" (...gag. I think im colourblind when it comes to these red flags...)

 

Ive been feeling a bit better these past few days though. Still thinking about him a lot, but im not getting the urge to break down crying when they're together. Dare I say im getting used to this?

It might just be because summer is here and my long awaited respite is in sight!

 

As for J, ajax you really think he just needs more encouragement? Im going to just let it sit for a good while anyway, im not in the right state to do anything regardless!

But i always thought you should take men's words at face value. :/

 

If he doesnt want a relationship, he means he doesnt want a relationship. Though personally i dont understand how you can feel so strongly about someone, get upset when you see them with someone else, and insist you dont actually want a relationship with them.

 

Also, im finding it hard to even picture it. We're so close.

 

Though that could be something that's a big clue: we're so young, and because we've known each other for so long and are so fond of each other, there would be no getting to know each other, no figuring the other one out...it'd be something right away, it'd get serious more quickly

 

And maybe he's just not ready for that?

 

Im not analysing this to figure out how to change his mind btw, just trying to understand it so my head isn't swimming with confused thoughts. Have decided that if a guy doesnt make it clear he really likes me, and he's very much interested, i shouldnt pursue them. I am definitely a 'giver' in relationships, and i worry that i dont let guys do more of the chasing

 

Also, the other friend COULD have been trying to get this all out of him, i dont know how the conversation came about, so there's the possibility he was just trying to be nice.

 

Anyway, im leaving it, there's no way im leaving myself open for more hurt!

 

Kilty i think you're right about giving up hope. It's just so hard to do. Still desperately hope they're going to get bored of each other, that her rebound period will be over (because even if my ex wasnt rebounding, she waited, oh, about 3 hours to jump into bed with him after getting dumped by a longterm boyfriend)

[Ajax]

As for J, ajax you really think he just needs more encouragement? Im going to just let it sit for a good while anyway, im not in the right state to do anything regardless!

But i always thought you should take men's words at face value. :/

 

 

I've learned not to take anything at face value when it comes to relationships. He may feel that if he talks about a relationship with you he'll be setting himself up for dissappointment if you don't feel the same. He might be hedging his bets. It's a possibility, but it's also possible that he is telling the truth and isn't looking for a relationship. There's no way to know unless you try.

 

we're so young, and because we've known each other for so long and are so fond of each other, there would be no getting to know each other, no figuring the other one out...it'd be something right away, it'd get serious more quickly

 

I also wouldn't necessarily agree with this. You may be close and know each other really well, but friendship is something completely different from a relationship. There would be plenty to get to know still. And taking it slow would still be wise.

[Gisele]

Temptation to contact him is back. Im trying to keep telling myself that id look like a desperate fool, or that he'd tell her, but i still have that little voice saying 'a brief, friendly 'hows it going?' cant hurt.....'

 

I also am very concerned that he's interpreting my silence as me being utterly heartbroken. That i cant even bring myself to speak to him again after he rejected me. I HATE that feeling. I also hate that i set myself up for this, by telling him id let him know when im ready to be friends and im over it.

 

So what I look like right now is: Never contacting him/letting him know = she's still never gotten over it

 

And im obviously not, but c'mon...who wants to feel like their ex can hold that over them too? Pity, is what im getting at. And since he used to text quite a bit even while he was dating her, im worried he's stopped out of PITY and embarrassment for me too. Ugh.

 

I know why im so tempted, too. I am bored bored bored. Nearly finished packing, but the vast majority of my friends have left london by now, and ive got a lot of time on my hands. Cue a lot of daydreaming and temptations to get that heart pounding feeling of seeing a text from him.

 

It doesnt help that he always entertained me as well, he was arrogant and cruel, but he was witty and we always had good conversations

 

Argh. Talk me out of it someone, please! If i shouldn't, that is. Because i still think from his point of view, it looks like im too cut up from it all to even bring myself to say hi

Edited June 5, 2011 by Gisele

[Nohbody]

Don't contact him. It doesn't matter what he thinks (and you don't really know, anyway), it matters that you stay strong and try your best to extricate yourself from the whole mess. If you contact him, nothing good will come of it.

[Kilty]

Your mind is playing tricks on you because you want to send that text.

 

Your mind is trying to give you false justification so you send it.

 

So what I look like right now is: Never contacting him/letting him know = she's still never gotten over it

 

Read that over and over and see how silly it is !

 

Someone who doesnt contact the other person does not give the impression they havent gotten over it.

 

But can you guess what does give that impression ? Yep you guessed it

 

Contacting them !

 

You have to sit down and ask yourself what is it you want to achieve by sending this text.

 

Now i know it's not what you want to hear - but he is with someone else and by all accounts "happy".

 

So what is it you want to achieve Gisele

 

Do you want to be friends with him ? If you can be friends with someone you are not over and not let his new relationship bother you then you are better than most of us.

 

Or do you want to give him options so you can be his bit on the side when he is with someone else.

 

Do you want him to come back to you ?

 

Do you want to split them up, the two of you get back together and everything is sunshine and lollipops ?

 

What happens if a couple of weeks getting back together you realise that you were right to end it the first time ?

 

See where i'm going here ?

 

Now i think you know why it wouldnt work, especially now that there has been someone else in the interim .

 

However sometimes you have to stick your finger in to get burnt so you learn not to do it again.

 

He has to initiate contact with you if there is a chance of you getting back together.

 

Nothing good will come of anything else. x

[Gisele]

I know, i know

 

I haven't contacted him. it's just so difficult at times. Do you never just get that urge?

 

Upset again that she gets to have him, and i dont. I miss him. Im focusing on the good times, but what if he's changed? The way he appears with her certainly seems like he HAS

 

And it hurts like hell thinking that if i had thrown myself at him that night instead of her (he did really try and get me to reconsider after the break up....which i tried to ignore, reminding myself of how he'd treated me) then id be able to wrap my arms round him right now, and not her

 

I cant see what see offers him that i cant i know it's a cliche to be the jealous ex, and it sounds very bitchy...but honestly shes not even as attractive as HE is.

[Kilty]

Nah - still have her number in a drawer but never would.

She engaged and getting married and probably staying together most of the time - plus old baldy just across the floor from me.

 

It wouldnt be right and would only make a tit of myself

 

Difference is that i am a year out but even at your stage i didnt.

 

The reason for that is that there is nothing more to say to her - she made it clear she wanted me to give up so it would only be harrassment and everything that i had to say and offer was said.

 

She made her choice and nothing i can do about that

 

Only urge ive had was to email in work to stop the animosity but that moment has passed also.

 

You will get there - you will get the same realisation as me eventually.

 

No doubt i'll hear tomorrow what the old man did and gave her for her birthday in his final push to make sure she doesnt back out

 

Sigh

[Rory12345]

Hey Gisele,

 

Glad that you had a good night.

 

Mine has gone from bad to worse. Just check my thread!

 

Hope you are doing well.

[Mack05]

Gisele shouldn't college be over now? Therefore you can get summer to move on and have complete NC right?

[Gisele]

Yes, ended on thursday, thank god, but a few of us are still in london getting stuff packed etc. Am so happy to not have to see them, it was just the new-found free time that had me daydreaming and tempted to text him!

 

I think NC is great, but the temptation to break it will be here for a while, im just going to have to get used to it

 

Also, wondering when they're heading to spain etc is playing on my mind a bit

 

But all in all: at least i dont have to SEE them!

[Mack05]

That is the BIG thing right there. Any person would find it hard to move on if they are constantly seeing their ex. Lets hope you have a great summer and that NC and not seeing them helps you out of this vicious cycle you are currently in.

 

I would recommend 2 books for you Gisele which have really helped me..

 

1) I can mend your broken heart -> http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Mend-Your-Broken-Heart/dp/0593050533

 

2) How to break your addiction to a person -> http://www.amazon.com/How-Break-Your-Addiction-Person/dp/0553382497

 

These type of self help books are never an easy read but I promise you that they will teach you a lot and help you move forward...

 

Adding, this is from Geegirl on another thread. I read this when I think of breaking NC..

 

"It's normal to feel this way. It is like a drug. You are still going through withdrawals and you want to find comfort in your drug. But the drug will hurt you. He is not your source of comfort but your source of pain. Don't go looking to him to soothe you. He may soothe you for a little while, then he walks away again, and you are left craving for another hit. Don't put yourself in that cycle.

 

It's fine to love him and care for him but in the safety of your NC. You break NC and you get back to where you were again when you first started. Keep digging into that wound and you will forever be wounded.

 

Plus he is moving on to another woman. Let him be. You need to move on as well."

Edited June 6, 2011 by Mack05

[Ajax]

Also, wondering when they're heading to spain etc is playing on my mind a bit

 

 

Well what are your summer plans? Perhaps the best way to distract yourself from thinking about them is to do something fun yourself. I wouldn't take a trip to Spain if that's where they're going to be, but ever fancy a trip to the States? The weather is actually quite beautiful here in NY right now.

 

Hopefully not having to see them together over the summer will help you gain some clairity and peace of mind. And you may just have some fun too!

[dumimoe]

I've bn with this guy for almost 6 years and , to be honest it's always been one thing after another.We have a 4year old and another one on the way( on reflection i shld have bn extra careful).So now after breaking up 4times with me kicking him out over girls and him saying it wld not happen again , turns out he has been seeing someone who knows he lives with me , calls me names every chance she gets , he refuses to move out !!!If he is with someone else why insist on staying with me ?He works so obviously it's not money so i have concluded he has a hidden agenda then because each time I have told him to leave, although I may have been lonely and miserable, each time I have meant it but then I fall for his lies every time and take him back.How do I do it for real , in a final manner so he never tries to come back any suggestions, I don't care even if he hates me as long as he stays away while I try my best to get on with my life and make sure my kids are happy.

 

We don't fight we talk things out cld that be the problem? am i supposed to yell scream and do all sorts for hm to see i'm hurt coz i've always thot that was childish behaviour.