Wife leaving?

[2sunny]

no money! let HER figure that out without willingly handing her money.

 

she made choices - let her figure out how to live with her choices. the harder it is for her - the more she gets consequences for HER choices.

 

she's sleeping with him - you know that right?

 

get your head out of the sand... get moving.

 

she's using you and you're letting her.

 

stop allowing her. tell her to get out now - no need to give her time.

 

go check the money - you have given her all day to get ahold of money - she's probably wiping out the bank accounts right now. get moving... you have work to do.

[Owl]

She's taking her son to the club event because she's trying to reassure herself that she's a good mom, a good person, regardless of the fact that she's been cheating on her husband with another man.

 

It's a mental defense mechanism...many waywards play this game.

 

Agreed with Surfer and 2Sunny...protect yourself and your family from her at this point.

[disco9000]

The law here doesn't recognise affairs. I've looked into it and, if she wanted to, she could take the house, custody of the kids and a large chunk of what I earn.

 

She's not looking for any of that at this stage. I'm going to get her to sign an agreement as early as possible but it obviously will involve her having access to some of what is legally hers.

 

The OM is willing and able to support her financially so I don't think she'll feel the pinch anyway. I'm not going to push the money situation...I will come off worse.

[disco9000]

Owl, good point about the club event...hadn't thought of it like that.

[Surfer203]

Well.. first step in that case. Get a lawyer. You have rights too.

[disco9000]

She just came to see me and said she doesn't want to leave.

 

At first, I said she still needs to go but after she made it clear she really didn't want to, I said the only way I could see her staying is if we come up with an active plan to move our marriage forward.

 

I said that I'd tried hard over the past 6 months to fix things about myself while she'd done nothing on her side. I said she needs to start meeting my needs and start meeting them now. She needs to absolutely cut all contact with OM forever which includes giving up her phone, facebook account etc. and probably moving town. If she can't agree to that we're through, tonight. If she doesn't stick to the plan and keep making progress with our marriage, we're through.

 

She's gone to get our son to bed. I'll let you know what she comes back with.

[What_Next]

She's scared.

 

Cut her off anyway. Period.

 

If she is serious she must:

 

1. End all contact with OM and prove it. She will call him with you in the room and end it.

2. Become 100% transparent in EVERY SINGLE aspect of her life, no exceptions. Leave ZERO possibility of her going back to him.

3. Agree to MC and IC, TODAY, RIGHT NOW.

4. Disclose anything and everything that you wish to know about her affair.

 

All 4 of these conditions should be non-negotiable.

 

Not only that you need to give yourself some time to heal and properly make the decision whether or not you even want her at this point.

 

Don't rush into ANYTHING. If you agree to anything she has to say out of fear of her running back to OM then it is the WRONG decision.

 

Personally, I'd still cut her off financially. Shake her right the hell out of her comfort zone.

 

Still get a lawyer, just for information purposes only at this point. Start planning your exit anyway. You don't have to use it, but get it ready.

 

Calm, cool, collected. get your ducks in a row.

 

Oh, make it absolutely clear that involving the children in this bull___ will lead to MASSIVELY severe consequences.

[willowthewisp]

Yeah, marriage counselling is an absolute must here, without fixing the underlying problems it's not going to get better, along with IC for both of you, in case this is more to do with her being in mid life.

 

All contact with OM has to stop immediately.

 

I sincerly hope this women is not just another cake eater that we see so frequently on here and that she geninuely wants to work things out with you ie she is not just another of the women who seem to wnat to work it out, but in actual fact are being calculating and keeping their husband on a string until they are "sure" OM will be there for them.

[robf1971]

She's scared.

 

Cut her off anyway. Period.

 

If she is serious she must:

 

1. End all contact with OM and prove it. She will call him with you in the room and end it.

2. Become 100% transparent in EVERY SINGLE aspect of her life, no exceptions. Leave ZERO possibility of her going back to him.

3. Agree to MC and IC, TODAY, RIGHT NOW.

4. Disclose anything and everything that you wish to know about her affair.

 

.

 

Spot on, and if she does not agree to and start implementing these essential conditions IMMEDIATELY ie this minute. You go and pack her stuff in boxes and tell her she's got 2 weeks to find a new place. Remember in this situation, talk is cheap, actions are what counts.

 

Your calm, strong,firm actions will gain her respect.

[Surfer203]

Good for you pal. You said all the right things, now do them! Stand up for yourself and be strong. Good luck!

[John Michael Kane]

Dude after everything you posted, you need to kick her out immediately. She's scared because her little plan is falling apart with you and the OM.

[Owl]

What Next has the right of it.

 

She's coming to you, wanting to work things out. DO NOT ACCEPT ANYTHING LESS THAN EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO RECONCILE YOUR MARRIAGE!!!!

 

If she balks, refuses, or lies and then resumes contact...it's no deal.

 

Take back the control you need to either reconcile your marriage or protect yourself and your family from her as needed.

[disco9000]

Thanks again for all the input everyone. This really is invaluable.

 

Last night, she accepted what I had said and told me she really wanted to make it work between us.

 

We talked again this lunch time and I put it to her just as What_Next advised. She agreed to the plan. Not just like that...she took some deep breaths as I was talking, asked questions, thought about it and then agreed.

 

I also said that she needs to accept she will probably get feelings of withdrawal from this other guy in the coming months, the same feelings she failed to overcome a few days back, and that she needs to be certain she can get over them next time. It was like a light went on for her and she got frustrated with herself. She's starting to see herself as someone that is messed up as opposed to just "in love" for the first time.

 

I asked her some tough questions about the affair and her answers contained details that were obviously very difficult for her to admit to and talk about. These were details she could have easily kept hidden. While it was hard for her, I could also see her give a sigh of relief to have secrets out in the open. She blew up at one point but came back quickly and said sorry.

 

The kids are home from school now so we've had to put the discussion on hold for a bit. She said it was a shame because she was keen to start talking about some of the positive things we can do to bring ourselves closer together. I'm still 180 and expect her to lead this but am going to give some thought to where we go from here.

 

I'm not getting my hopes up. She could, of course, still be stringing me along and I'm prepared to end it if that turns out to be the case. However, it's good to see her respond like this.

[Surfer203]

That is a big break through. Good job laying down the law. Let's hope she stands up to her word. Until she proves it to you and you are comfortable, keep doing what you are doing it works!

[2sunny]

did she admit to sleeping with him?

 

what is she DOING to make things different?

 

words are meaningless - HER action is what will make the difference.

 

let HER make the effort. she needs to repair what she she ruined. it's not yours to participate yet - she hasn't done any work yet. stay out of it until she proves she is DOING lie completely opposite of what she used to do. thinking of you first - not herself.

[What_Next]

VERY sage advice from 2sunny. Words are just words. Believe only what you can verify yourself. There is a high likelihood she'll go back to him again. Let her know that this is a DEAL BREAKER.

 

She has proven she is capable of lying and deceiving you already. Don't let her do it again.

 

You cannot stop her, you can control only your own actions.

[Windsurf66]

OP,

 

What kind of marriage is this, if she refuses sex and intimacy with you, but gives it to the OM freely?

 

Are you nuts? and have no self-esteem? or is your wife the last woman on earth?

[BlindRage]

Are you really willing to put yourself through all this again? History tends to repeats itself. It's better to take the plunge now than when you built yourself up again and she starts sneaking around. It's kind of like that saying, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." Just something to think about about. View all the possible out comes, not just for the few months ahead but also years.

[disco9000]

Thanks for keeping things real everyone.

 

2Sunny, she admitted that it had gone further than kissing back in October but not all the way.

 

She knows I'm expecting actions not words and, so far, she's doing OK with both. She's spent some time writing down what she wants in life, where she went wrong in the past and what she needs to do in the future. She gave it to me to read and, if it's all a front, it's a bloody good one. I suppose time will tell.

 

She's also being more affectionate and the sex is back. The kids have been around the whole time this weekend so it's been difficult, but she's made time for me, despite being tired.

 

BlindRage, it's a very good question, and one that I'm not really ready to answer yet. A lot depends on her actions over the coming weeks and months. I'm ready to walk away if there's any more contact or if she stops trying with me but there's a lot of good in our relationship that's still worth fighting for. Heh, it sounds almost ridiculous saying that after what she's done.

[Surfer203]

I can relate to that feeling.. the feeling of wanting to fight for your relationship after your spouse did something horrible to you. It is a deep love and admiration that outweighs most of the negatives. Even when something awful happens, it is still there.. unconditional love maybe?

[disco9000]

Yeah, Surfer. I'm in a strange place at the moment...very conflicted.

 

There's a feeling of deep love and caring that seems to have endured all of this. I don't know if it will ever go away, whether we stay together or not.

 

On top of that, we really did have a great marriage. Not perfect, but very, very good. When this all came out, I was knocked off my feet but it let me see the changes I needed to make and gave me the motivation to make them. I wasn't sure if they would stick but they seem to have...it feels like I'm a different person now. IF she continues to do the same, we could end up with something even better than before.

 

Having said that, there's a huge downside. I feel a lot of anger towards the OM. Heh, I had to laugh when I caught myself playing out fight scenes in my head (how old am I, 12?). I must be feeling even more anger towards my wife but seem to be suppressing it and that can't be good. Will I be able to absorb it and move on or is it likely to come back to bite me later?

 

There's also a sense of being disengaged. I need to be ready to walk away if I find she's broken the rules so I'm holding back. It's like I'm still doing similar things but putting less love into them. Even sex isn't feeling the same. I'm determined to keep things light and just have fun but it feels less and that's sad.

 

I suppose that's what happens when you let go. Who knows when I'll grab hold again. In practice, I don't think this will change until I start to trust her and, at this stage, it feels like it's gonna be years, if ever. For those that have come through this and remained married, does it ever feel as good again?

[robf1971]

2Sunny, she admitted that it had gone further than kissing back in October but not all the way.

 

 

Sorry but she is lying through her teeth

[What_Next]

Sorry but she is lying through her teeth

 

Trickletruthing.

 

No honesty = no future.

[Surfer203]

disco: That feeling of admiration and love probably will never go away. With what she is up to though, be on your guard. Certainly look for actions not words.

[disco9000]

What_Next, Robf1971: I called her on this earlier this evening...said I didn't think I was getting the whole story and that she's drip feeding me just enough detail to keep me happy. I said I didn't think I could move forward with the marriage without her being totally honest about what had happened.

 

She assured me that she had told me everything, I said I didn't believe her. She sat there in silence for 5 minutes before getting up and walking downstairs. I haven't spoken to her since and she's sleeping on the sofa tonight.

 

I'm now beating myself up and doubting that I'm doing the right thing by pushing her away like this. I checked her phone and there have been no texts to/from the OM.