What do I do?? Relationship of 14 years.

[grace2011]

Recently I have been contemplating leaving my boyfriend of 14 years. I need advice and would like to get impute on those who have been through a situation similar to mine. I’ll try and make this a simple for you as well as for me…frankly I hate to retell my story because I’ve talk to my best friend about it for way too long.

 

Facts:

 

 

• We got together when I was 18. I was fresh out of high school and still living with my mother who latter that year passed away from breast cancer. I then moved with my cousin and a few months of living with her I was asked to leave. So I moved in with my boyfriend who I am currently living with now.
  

 

 

• We were both very in love for about 7 years. After 7 years my depression began take over my life. I was very distraught over my mother death. My family stop talking to me for about a year because I moved in with my boyfriend. All this had a hug affect on me and our relationship.
  

 

 

 

• He tolled me to get my self together of else he was going to leave. So I did. I got a job, started exercising, and started doing really well at work. I still have trouble making new friends because I find it very difficult to trust people. I’ve had a ton of people including very close family members stop contact with me. Friends move away (which is completely normal but it makes it hard to be friends with people). We’ve also moved quite a bit over the years.
  

 

 

• Recently I went back to school when the company I’ve worked for went out of business. My boyfriend is a PHD student and is an over achiever, he can do it all. He has a lot of friends, is an excellent athlete…needless to say everyone loves him. I believe he got into school to get away from me and all my issues. He is doing very well and is expect to graduate soon. I am not so successful in school but I am hanging in there. My depression takes a toll on me every day and I battle with it over powering my life. I have about 2 years left to graduate with a minor in communication and majoring in Public Health Science.
  

 

 

• Problem: My boyfriend feels that I should have graduated or done more with my life at this point. He is very stressed out because of the intense program he is in (might have a lot to do with how cranky he is). We stop having intercourse; it has been a full year now. We began have problems in the bedroom 8 years ago. He has a difficult time with his emotions, he is a very closed off individual when it comes to talking. He says he can’t pin point what and why he doesn’t want to have sex with me. He does how ever look at porn. He says they’re no feelings attached to porn but with me there are too many. Recently I’ve found a file on our computer with porn and pictures of a women in the same program he is in. He said he was going to email the pictures to her and forgot (I’ve seen these pics before and they are harmless photos). Still my mind wonders why were they in with the porn files?? I’ve always trusted him, never really had a reason or a feeling not to trust him until now. Do I comely ask this women if there is something going on? He promises there is nothing, no women, no man he is seeing…yes I had to ask if he was attracted to men, his answer was definitely no.
  

We saw a therapist, didn’t do much. He saw a therapist and they suggested he move out for a while. Financially moving out is difficult for both of us, especially me since I went back to school. I am still in love with him, I find him very interesting and still very sexy. I really don’t think the find me interesting or sexy…maybe just pretty

 

Help!! I am going away to my sisters over the summer for about a month and a half to give him room to think and to be alone. I have not clue what to do. Sorry about the grammar but I was desperate to post it. If you got through my post then THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING, I appreciate any advice you feel I might find helpful.

[Universe]

I think you should try not to think about making a decision right now concerning the future of your relationship. Give therapy another try. Do individual therapy. Try a few different therapists until you find one that you feel is helping you. There are some good ones out there. But bad ones too. I think you should definitely be talking to someone though. It sounds like you have a lot in your past that's causing your depression. You should be talking to a professional who can help you figure out the root causes of your depression.

 

Why has your family been so nonsupporting? A family should be loving and supportive where they can be. So my guess is that they are the cause of your depression deep down. They probably didn't give you the love that you needed while you were growing up. And that causes the types of problems that you're having now.

 

You will be ok. You can recover from this. But you need to figure out where your blocks are. Do you love yourself? Do you spend a lot of time feeling sorry for yourself? Do you let other people (like your boyfriend) determine your self-worth? These are just some common problems people have and I get a sense that this might be where you're at.

 

I promise that you and everything about you is beautiful no matter what your boyfriend or your family thinks. Your boyfriend is wrong to think that you should have "done more with your life" by now. Everyone is exactly where they should be. Everyone moves at their own pace. And you are carrying around some deep-seated emotional issues. And it's not your fault. But it's up to you to fix it. And it's hard to do that on your own. So I recommend getting help from a professional you can afford.

 

It can be very difficult living with someone and being in a relationship with someone who is depressed. But if he's a good boyfriend he will be supportive of you as you work through your issues. If not, then you're better off without him. But like I said before, don't burden yourself with making that decision right now. Focus on yourself. Heal yourself. Buy some self-help books and read them. You are so fortunate to be alive and have the opportunity for so much happiness. It's worth every effort you put into your recovery.

 

Good luck.