echocrush Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Long post… 1. Does anyone see anything here that could help me figure out the problem? Maybe something I have missed seeing in myself? 2. Should I stay or should I move? I just know he won’t leave and I can’t stay… Any ideas for a compromise? 3. Is any one else out there addicted to the romance? When the relationship gets cold do you get frightened? What do we do? I posted this message a few days ago, and while I am having a hard time learning to live with him I think there may be more to it than just his attitude. I was with my ex for 8 years, it was a roller coaster to say the least. We had a cycle of loving too much, pulling away, things would get really bad, we would separate and then get back together and repeat the process. It usually ran in six month cycles. By the end I had to stop it or I think I would have died, my emotional state was indescribable, he thought I was crazy, I thought I was bipolar… he was abusive and he had at least 8 affairs, porn addiction, etc… so yeah, I was crazy… I’m better now, better than ever. When I left I felt so free, I could finally live a life on my terms, move to a big city, get my degree, all of that. Do all of the things I always wanted to do but couldn’t because I was married. Shortly after the separation I went off all anti-depressants and I am doing wonderful. Few depressive episodes, and I am learning to pull myself out of them before they take hold of me. But three months after we split up I was in another relationship. We moved in together two months after we met and got married 15 months later. I had moved back to the SMALL town I grew up in just to get back on my feet, and that’s where I met him. It’s been almost two and a half years now and here I am, still in this town, and feeling trapped again. My six month pattern is still here in a fashion, I haven’t left him or anything. But I get antsy… I find myself craving the way things were, instead of the way they are now. I miss dating, talking all night about everything and nothing, I miss the first kiss, the passionate kisses, I miss the beginning. I crave all of the adventure I feel like I am missing… it wasn’t so bad until my Dad’s funeral, I went cross country on the bus to get there, and when I got there I didn’t want to come home. I met new people, saw new things, and I felt free again. I got out of this town… I hate this town. We are two hours from anything, even the nearest stoplight. I did come home because my kids are my life. I told him I hadn’t wanted to come home, and he was so hurt. I do love him, but I still feel trapped by his perfectionism, by his controlling nature, by his mood swings… He says we will move someday when… he can find another job that pays as well as the one he has now, when we can find a place to live as cheap as the one we have now, when hell freezes over. He is a small town boy, and I am a city girl. Ever since I left I’ve been obsessed with the idea of leaving, getting out of here. A lot of bad things have happened in this town and I want to put it all behind me. I can’t get it out of my head. My kids want to leave too… my oldest is being home schooled because of situations that have happened. I’m still antsy… It could be a commitment issue in a way, because I feel trapped and I long for freedom… I long for the newness of a relationship, when things get tough I get scared. Scared I’m going to make the same mistakes as my 5 times married mom, scared I am going to get trapped in another bad marriage so every time there is conflict or cooling off I want to run. It's messed up I know... At the same time, I've never been single. I try, but I always find myself in another relationship... It could be just a need to always rebuild my life, addicted to starting over or something… as a child we moved every six months or so, I changed schools, my whole life, and maybe I just got used to it… It could be boredom, I just don’t know… So… 1. does anyone see anything here that could help me figure out the problem? Maybe something I have missed seeing in myself? 2. Should I stay or should I move? I just know he won’t leave and I can’t stay… Any ideas for a compromise? 3. Is any one else out there addicted to the romance? When the relationship gets cold do you get frightened? What do we do? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Taking a break from all relationships in order to find out what you really need and want in a relationship is probably the most important thing anyone can do at some point of their date life. If they don't, they DO seem to end up in the same 'dead end' relationships/marriages over and over. Maybe there is nothing wrong with you at all. You just haven't taken the time to focus on what you expect from a relationship. Just accepting one due to not wanting to be alone will never solve this problem. Being single isn't just about the freedom to date or go out.....it's also about having enough confidence in who you are.....that it doesn't take another person to make you feel validated. You seem to have problems with committment because the guys you settle for....aren't what you really want or need. Link to post Share on other sites
Author echocrush Posted April 12, 2004 Author Share Posted April 12, 2004 I do see fear of being my mother coming into play a lot... and now that I am going through her 5th divorce with her I have to wonder. I stayed in my first marriage because I didn't want to be her, I didn't want to do to my kids what she did me. I didn't want to be divorced... but I am still following her path, I'm just more stubborn. I know I've been thinking a lot about being on my own... I've never done it. I might fail, but... I've never tried. I don't know what I want out of life because I am always worried more about what everyone else wants... I don't want a divorce, I do love him, i am just so torn... Link to post Share on other sites
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