Front Row Seat To A Disaster

[BenThereDunThat]

Not really needing any advice, just thought I'd share the latest messed up gossip going on around me lately.

 

I have 4 girlfriends at work. We have grown very close (two of us in particular), go to happy hours often, travel together, etc.

 

One of the group is married with 3 kids, the oldest graduating HS this week. She doesn't come around as often. But we always have fun when she does, and she does manage to make the occassional trip.

 

This woman has been miserably married for years. I've known her 11 years and she was miserable even before then. BUT....she HAD TO have 3 kids, not 2, not 4, 3. So, even though she HATES her husband, and it took a lot of money, time and effort to actually get her pregnant, she had her third child who is now between 11 and 13.

 

Now, and you knew where this was going, right? She's been carrying on an affair with another married guy who is part of a group of parents whose kids are all on sports teams together. Which, whatever, I think it's stupid but it's none of my business.

 

Well....a couple of weeks ago I met a guy who is working in our city on a long-term contract. Sweet guy, spent hours crying on my shoulder (not literally) about how he's in the process of divorcing his wife, she cheated on him, he's devastated. Lost a ton of weight, etc., etc.

 

Still, he was funny and fun to be around despite all that. So I brought him into the fold. We all loved him and said that he fit right in with us.

 

So, you can even further guess where this is going, right? Yep. Married woman and he have taken up and all of a sudden they both think they can talk to me about this effed up situation. I shot them both down, straight up told both of them, separately, (because that is how they approached me, like I'm some kind of confidant over this mess): I want nothing to do with this, leave me out of it.

 

Now I have lost two friends over it. Not so upset about him, as I've only known him for 2 weeks obviously.

 

Is that some messed up crap or what? Will she ever leave her husband, who she can't even refer to by name, just as D1ck? She's got this guy thinking she will.

 

Just thought I'd share for discussion if anyone so wishes to comment.

 

BTW, these are grown a$$ people: He is 40 and she is 46.

[freestyle]

Well, BTDT_--I've been there, done that--(sorry, couldn't resist )

 

It is pretty crappy that your friends turned their backs on you , just because you didn't want to wear the referee hat.

 

My experience is similar--a close girlfriend (married) was involved in an EA with a married guy. She confessed it to me (only to be surprised that I'd already figured it out from reading their body language)(I noticed it starting a year earlier)

 

I refrained from judging ( even though a large part of me wanted to )Instead , I tried to talk her through it---all the potential consequences & fallout that could happen.

 

And I had no qualms about letting her know what it feels like to be betrayed, to be the one left sitting at home with a sinking feeling in your gut, that something might be up, but there isn't enough evidence for confirmation.

 

Given that the MM she's into is a known serial cheater, I let her know what she could very well be signing up for. I wasn't harsh, just very matter-of-fact.......Logical deduction, if "A"----> then "B"--->, then "C"---> etc.

 

I spoke in a loving and compassionate tone, ( I care about her), but I laid it on the line.

 

Sure enough, she didn't listen, my predictions came true--(she's sporting a fresh set of tire tracks on her heart)

 

And she avoids talking to me now..........

 

yep, not what I signed up for........

[BenThereDunThat]

But, see, here's the thing. I am NOT judgmental. Well, sure, I do judge. But if you're my friend, I'm not going to condemn you and shut you out for being stupid. As many times as I've done stupid things? Please.

 

I'm not going to blow smoke up your a$$ either though. And I think that's what took them both by surprise - even him in the short time he got to know me.

 

They both know me to be the kind of person (her more than him, obviously) that is more 'live and let live, I love you, I will listen until the sun comes up...' however....this woman has been complaining about her "d1ck" of a husband for so long that I started doubting her "victim" act a long time ago.

 

Again - not my business, she's still my friend, doesn't affect me, etc. This time? This time it affects me. I unknowingly introduced them. She avoided me for a full week even though I already knew she spent the night with him.

 

Then I get an IM "hope you're not upset, he's so great, I just hope he's for real." Uhm...really? Shouldn't HE be asking that of YOU? The guy just ended a marriage (final last Friday) where he was DESTROYED emotionally. His exW actually told him, and I quote: "I love you but my vagina isn't in love with you."

 

At this point, it's on him for being a dumb a$$. I told him straight up: you have co-dependency issues. Which he agreed that he does. Anyway, I don't so much care about him and how broken he is.

 

I do (did) care about her. I knew she was selfish (see original post about having to have that THIRD child with a man she HATES), but this has just turned my stomach.

 

I feel like I'm seeing from the other side - i.e., I hate my marriage, I'm so unhappy, I sleep on the couch every night....YET she's not going anywhere.

 

I will be sympathetic, help you through the tough times, but if I watch you continuously stick your hand in the fire while you try to cry to me how much it burns...that's when I shut it down.

[BenThereDunThat]

Well, BTDT_--I've been there, done that--(sorry, couldn't resist )

 

It is pretty crappy that your friends turned their backs on you , just because you didn't want to wear the referee hat.

 

My experience is similar--a close girlfriend (married) was involved in an EA with a married guy. She confessed it to me (only to be surprised that I'd already figured it out from reading their body language)(I noticed it starting a year earlier)

 

I refrained from judging ( even though a large part of me wanted to )Instead , I tried to talk her through it---all the potential consequences & fallout that could happen.

 

And I had no qualms about letting her know what it feels like to be betrayed, to be the one left sitting at home with a sinking feeling in your gut, that something might be up, but there isn't enough evidence for confirmation.

 

Given that the MM she's into is a known serial cheater, I let her know what she could very well be signing up for. I wasn't harsh, just very matter-of-fact.......Logical deduction, if "A"----> then "B"--->, then "C"---> etc.

 

I spoke in a loving and compassionate tone, ( I care about her), but I laid it on the line.

 

Sure enough, she didn't listen, my predictions came true--(she's sporting a fresh set of tire tracks on her heart)

 

And she avoids talking to me now..........

 

yep, not what I signed up for........

 

Thank you. As soon as I let it be known to both of them that I would not be their sounding board...they just disappeared. And I have been biting my tongue out of loyalty to HER. I would LOVE to tell him that he's not the first, probably won't be the last, and even IF he's the catalyst that gets her to leave her husband, she won't stay with him.

 

But I won't, not my place. I even deleted him out of my phone just in case I get a hair up my A$$ and try to explain to him the ride that he's in for. I know too well that wouldn't work anyway. Once you're in that mode, you're in and nothing someone could tell you is going to make a difference.

 

But he's a big boy and if he didn't learn anything from what his wife did to him, not my problem.

[Emme]

You did the right thing. I learned early in life to not get involved with my friends relationships even if they ask me for advice. All I can do is listen. So she actually has 2 men at the beck and call. You did the right thing. Don't feel sorry about them trying to make you sooth this whole mess over. They both need to feel reassured they aren't doing anything wrong. Sorry you are now loosing a friend but they come and go. There will be a replacement.

[BenThereDunThat]

You did the right thing. I learned early in life to not get involved with my friends relationships even if they ask me for advice. All I can do is listen. So she actually has 2 men at the beck and call. You did the right thing. Don't feel sorry about them trying to make you sooth this whole mess over. They both need to feel reassured they aren't doing anything wrong. Sorry you are now loosing a friend but they come and go. There will be a replacement.

 

Thanks, Emme.

 

I am just finally realizing that she is "that girl"...the one who craves male attention so much, screw her girlfriend relationships. She has no clue how important these friendships are.

 

Before I knew the full story, I used to defend her. My other girlfriend would get upset with her and the stunts she would pull. And here's me: "she's in a bad place, she's not purposley being manipulative, it's just a reflection of how unhappy she is." blah, blah, blah

 

Really, we're just a means to an end for her.

 

And that is going to make for a sad, sad life.

[Emme]

They need to feel wanted in the crowd or they don't feel significant. Want it all and don't have enough hands. It's all good, he'll figure out her game. Women with personalities like that always come into light, just wait until he sees how she acts around his friends. Another thing ... she will call. Personally I don't pick up when they do, I'm cold hearted. I cut you off, even childhood friends. Common sense is you hold on to the people who know how you really are and love you for you. New man will only be there for a minute. She'll be back... I think I hear your phone ringing.

[BenThereDunThat]

They need to feel wanted in the crowd or they don't feel significant. Want it all and don't have enough hands. It's all good, he'll figure out her game. Women with personalities like that always come into light, just wait until he sees how she acts around his friends. Another thing ... she will call. Personally I don't pick up when they do, I'm cold hearted. I cut you off, even childhood friends. Common sense is you hold on to the people who know how you really are and love you for you. New man will only be there for a minute. She'll be back... I think I hear your phone ringing.

 

That actually made me LOL!

 

I'm with you...I'm compassionate almost to a fault, but once I hit that wall, I am done.

 

The reserve is used up and it is over. She is going to be done with him (let's face it, he's kind of pathetic at this point...he's replaced his exW with her and he's feeding her ego -- I can't say for sure, but I don't think he has any guy friends. Past conversations lead me to believe that the exW and her kids were his world.

 

Meantime, she (married friend) will be trying to get back "in" after she dumps him (and of course, making herself out to be the victim); by then it will be too late.

[seren]

BTDT, I have a friend who had a long term A, she knew my opinion about A's long before my H had one. I refused to be used as an alibi, or to enter into discussions about the MM, however, when she needed to have support because she had been let down, hurt or needed my friendship, then that's what I did. I offered no support for the A, but for her as my friend and as someone who I liked and trusted with me, then yes.

 

It is like talking to yourself to try and point out why you think something is wrong, all you can do is be there if they need you. I have friends who do things I really don't agree with, so we agree to disagree and they know not to go there with me and I them. Pretty crap friend to be dumped because they cannot respect your views too.

[BenThereDunThat]

BTDT, I have a friend who had a long term A, she knew my opinion about A's long before my H had one. I refused to be used as an alibi, or to enter into discussions about the MM, however, when she needed to have support because she had been let down, hurt or needed my friendship, then that's what I did. I offered no support for the A, but for her as my friend and as someone who I liked and trusted with me, then yes.

 

It is like talking to yourself to try and point out why you think something is wrong, all you can do is be there if they need you. I have friends who do things I really don't agree with, so we agree to disagree and they know not to go there with me and I them. Pretty crap friend to be dumped because they cannot respect your views too.

 

The thing is, it has nothing to do with my views or moral code even. If you're my friend, you're my friend. I will be there for you through the dumbest of decisions. Because, lord knows, I've made my share and have been blessed with friends who try to (even if they don't) understand and love me in spite of it.

 

But this...this is just selfish and narrow-minded and wrong. I was in a bad marriage. I've had loads of friends in the same position. Maybe you skate that "moral" line before you get out, but you get out.

 

Not saying that's the right way to go about it, but you trip, you fall, you get up and you move on. I can totally wrap my head around that. And we tried to talk to her about that. She just didn't want to hear it. She's very much concerned with appearances and the facade of a happy family with 3 CHILDREN.

[Baroness67]

I agree on staying out of it. Unfortunately friendships are often compromised no matter if you get involved or not. Infidelity as a general rule leaves lots of carnage in its wake, even when it turns out "well". I've tried to do the "right thing" once or twice in the past and it was a thankless, soul-sucking experience. Better to stay out of it and let them burn out at their own speed.

[BenThereDunThat]

Then she won't leave. If that picture perfect life is what she wants, well she's not going anywhere unless it's d-day.

 

The alternative is to get divorced and have less money, time with the kids, etc.

 

I think she already has a sad life. She calls her H a d***. Who wants to be in a R with someone you don't respect and dislike so greatly? I would venture the R is hellish for both. Can you imagine being around them with an attitude like that???

 

My personal belief is that people stay in R's where the pros outweigh the cons. And at this point she is doing what many MM do: cake eat.

 

That's exactly what I'm finally getting into my thick head that she's doing. I don't know, her H may well be a d**k. I've never met him. Met her OTHER boyfriend though.

 

I always questioned whether the H was as bad as she says or he just reacts to her being a selfish brat. Of course the man is pissed off. I've seen the way she talks to him on the phone...that would turn me into a raving ********* too.

 

The long-story-short version of this story is this: she will either actually leave her H because this guy (bf #2) is being so co-dependent and sweet to her, feeding her ego (when, in reality, he's just replacing the exW with her), in which case she'll dump him so fast after it's all said and done that his head will spin. OR she'll drag this out..."oh I tried to end it after my son's graduation party but there's the younger kids to think about, etc., etc. Please just bear with me baby. (i.e., don't step telling me how awesome I am.)"

 

Bottom line is, which is the better alternative, the better way to live? With a man you've detested for years (but allowed him to be the sperm donor for your THIRD child), sneaking around using people who are supposed to be your friends....or living your genuine life with your head held high and your integrity intact?

 

Either way. They're both so moronic right now I just can't even deal.

[Mimolicious]

To be honest with you, you are better off not being in the mix. When the foul smelling brown stuff hits the thingy that spins around, you don't want to be covered with it.

[BenThereDunThat]

To be honest with you, you are better off not being in the mix. When the foul smelling brown stuff hits the thingy that spins around, you don't want to be covered with it.

 

I just love your posts.

 

Totally agree - staying way out of the way for that brown storm that's a-comin'.

[NoIDidn't]

So, you can even further guess where this is going, right? Yep. Married woman and he have taken up and all of a sudden they both think they can talk to me about this effed up situation. I shot them both down, straight up told both of them, separately, (because that is how they approached me, like I'm some kind of confidant over this mess): I want nothing to do with this, leave me out of it.

 

I'm just mad that she and he went to you "like [you're] some kind of confidant over this mess".

 

Its one thing if I offer up my experience with Infidelity to help someone, its another if they try to use me because of it as if I'm going to feel sorry for the mess they've gotten themselves into.

[BenThereDunThat]

I'm just mad that she and he went to you "like [you're] some kind of confidant over this mess".

 

Its one thing if I offer up my experience with Infidelity to help someone, its another if they try to use me because of it as if I'm going to feel sorry for the mess they've gotten themselves into.

 

Right?

 

For a few days there I was really pissed off. Now I'm just whatever. You're both stupid. Good luck with all that, see ya when I see ya.

[YellowShark]

Right?

 

For a few days there I was really pissed off. Now I'm just whatever. You're both stupid. Good luck with all that, see ya when I see ya.

 

You definitely did the right thing. Black hole both of them. The woman is obviously unhealthy to use her husband to get 3 children and then cheat on the poor guy. The new guy should RESPECT that the woman is married with kids and stop thinking with his dick. Both are very toxic and sick people. (They might be fun to have a drink with, but essentially they are underhanded liars who you can't trust. Look what they do to the people closest to them. )

 

Move on, hold your head high, and don't catch fleas from dogs.

[BenThereDunThat]

Un-f***ing believable. So pissed I can hardly see straight.

 

So MW's "new" BF, the SINGLE one, I introduced to the group, somehow found out about her MARRIED BF, even knew his name.

 

Naturally, she assumes it was ME that told him, as I've not hidden the fact that I think this whole thing is stupid. Does she confront me about it? NO. She talks to my other friend and bitches about me behind my back for 2 days.

 

He says he saw a text from him on her phone, which she insists can't be true because she never has her special go-to phone with her as that is only for communication with the married bf. See how twisted this all is?

 

I'm pissed at the friend who told me because she waited 2 days AND because she said she didn't want me to confront either party, that SHE'd straighten it out on my behalf.

 

I told her I turned my back on this kind of petty BS a looong time ago and I WILL just walk away completely before I get embroiled in this kind of crap.

 

Hope friend #2 is happy. Now she can spend her happy hours listening to MW's tales of woe about the husband, the boyfriend, and the boyfriend.

 

Why couldn't the dumb sh*t just keep her sh*t to herself instead of involving all these people? Her main concern right now is finding out just WHO told bf #2. Not how effed up her life is.

 

Whatever. I am out. The friendship death toll just keeps adding up. But hey, as long as SHE is happy!!!

[2sunny]

that is the kind of chaos i won't participate in... tell your "friend" she is no friend... and that you are now choosing to stay away from the drama she creates. once you stay away from that drama... life will get more peaceful.

 

have THAT boundary - stick to it.

 

she's not a friend... she's just using you as her outlet and as someone to place the blame...instead of blaming herself.

 

she has been participating this way for a while - why are you still participating at all - knowing she lacks any character or moral compass?

 

i don't have friends like that - i don't choose to waste my free time with people that don't add positive influences to my life.

 

cut her loose = she's dragging you down.

[MissBee]

Not really needing any advice, just thought I'd share the latest messed up gossip going on around me lately.

 

I have 4 girlfriends at work. We have grown very close (two of us in particular), go to happy hours often, travel together, etc.

 

One of the group is married with 3 kids, the oldest graduating HS this week. She doesn't come around as often. But we always have fun when she does, and she does manage to make the occassional trip.

 

This woman has been miserably married for years. I've known her 11 years and she was miserable even before then. BUT....she HAD TO have 3 kids, not 2, not 4, 3. So, even though she HATES her husband, and it took a lot of money, time and effort to actually get her pregnant, she had her third child who is now between 11 and 13.

 

Now, and you knew where this was going, right? She's been carrying on an affair with another married guy who is part of a group of parents whose kids are all on sports teams together. Which, whatever, I think it's stupid but it's none of my business.

 

Well....a couple of weeks ago I met a guy who is working in our city on a long-term contract. Sweet guy, spent hours crying on my shoulder (not literally) about how he's in the process of divorcing his wife, she cheated on him, he's devastated. Lost a ton of weight, etc., etc.

 

Still, he was funny and fun to be around despite all that. So I brought him into the fold. We all loved him and said that he fit right in with us.

 

So, you can even further guess where this is going, right? Yep. Married woman and he have taken up and all of a sudden they both think they can talk to me about this effed up situation. I shot them both down, straight up told both of them, separately, (because that is how they approached me, like I'm some kind of confidant over this mess): I want nothing to do with this, leave me out of it.

 

Now I have lost two friends over it. Not so upset about him, as I've only known him for 2 weeks obviously.

 

Is that some messed up crap or what? Will she ever leave her husband, who she can't even refer to by name, just as D1ck? She's got this guy thinking she will.

 

Just thought I'd share for discussion if anyone so wishes to comment.

 

BTW, these are grown a$$ people: He is 40 and she is 46.

 

 

Ermmm...welll.....my response would be just like yours.

 

I have two friends, make that acquaintances, because in reality, we are not that close, who are Poster Girls for Fudgery. Their life situations can never be straightforward but always involve some weaving and entanglements that make no sense and can be avoided. One epic level of drama after the other. It quite annoys me...and I realize that we're really not that compatible as friends. We can hang every now and again but the level of drama they bring is really just too much....and as life would have it, the more I became firm about certain things I wanted for myself and my values...the less and less these ppl seemed attracted to me as I was the friend who was like "Look...this is a mess" or "I don't think that's a good idea.." or straight up "WTF?!"

 

Soo yea...I'm not sure if you've really lost out at all. Are a few drinks and trips worth the annoyance that people who are constantly in hot messes and drama have to bring? I think not. I have many an acquaintance but my core group of friends are those who we're on the same wavelength. If you are constantly involved in fudgery that I don't believe in, then we don't need to be super close at all. I do not miss my phone ringing, my text alert going off, my IM screen blinking or real life get togethers that center around them and their latest fiasco.

[BenThereDunThat]

that is the kind of chaos i won't participate in... tell your "friend" she is no friend... and that you are now choosing to stay away from the drama she creates. once you stay away from that drama... life will get more peaceful.

 

have THAT boundary - stick to it.

 

she's not a friend... she's just using you as her outlet and as someone to place the blame...instead of blaming herself.

 

she has been participating this way for a while - why are you still participating at all - knowing she lacks any character or moral compass?

 

i don't have friends like that - i don't choose to waste my free time with people that don't add positive influences to my life.

 

cut her loose = she's dragging you down.

 

Precisely. I really have no desire to be around her at all but would tolerate it when others bring her around. The kicker? She's my friend's boss.

 

I don't really care about her moral compass per say. I just refuse to participate in ANYthing to do with her life messes. I like a simple, quiet life, tyvm.

 

I did tell the friend this time that I am completely done. She's acting a little taken aback that I could actually be pissed that two days of b*tching went by behind my back with no one saying a word to me so I could answer the charges at least.

 

I'm not above telling bf #2 about married bf #1 but I haven't talked to the guy, and I wouldn't for exactly this reason now. But if I HAD and if she had straight up asked me, I wouldn't lie about it.

 

Am I really 42 and dealing with this? Really? Four of us got a hotel room downtown this weekend and I was really looking forward to it (MW is not going), but now I'm just completely soured on all of it.

[BenThereDunThat]

 

Ermmm...welll.....my response would be just like yours.

 

I have two friends, make that acquaintances, because in reality, we are not that close, who are Poster Girls for Fudgery. Their life situations can never be straightforward but always involve some weaving and entanglements that make no sense and can be avoided. One epic level of drama after the other. It quite annoys me...and I realize that we're really not that compatible as friends. We can hang every now and again but the level of drama they bring is really just too much....and as life would have it, the more I became firm about certain things I wanted for myself and my values...the less and less these ppl seemed attracted to me as I was the friend who was like "Look...this is a mess" or "I don't think that's a good idea.." or straight up "WTF?!"

 

Soo yea...I'm not sure if you've really lost out at all. Are a few drinks and trips worth the annoyance that people who are constantly in hot messes and drama have to bring? I think not. I have many an acquaintance but my core group of friends are those who we're on the same wavelength. If you are constantly involved in fudgery that I don't believe in, then we don't need to be super close at all. I do not miss my phone ringing, my text alert going off, my IM screen blinking or real life get togethers that center around them and their latest fiasco.

 

Completely with you on the first bolded.

 

As to the second, when it's all of us except the MW, it is GREAT. We have a blast together. Me and the one friend are actually quite close.

 

That's mostly why I'm so upset. I just can't believe she confronted me about the other's accusation. Not in an angry way but as in, hey she thinks you did this and she's pissed at you. She talked about it all day yesterday.

 

Really? And you're just now telling me, after you've had a 2 hour drinking lunch with her?

 

Whatever. I am very sad about my friend, but I won't tolerate this nonsense.

[freestyle]

.........it's almost like high school---no, make that,* Junior High Revisited*, isn't it?

 

I hear what you're saying, BTDT---life is far too short to be wasting time getting sucked into other people's self-inflicted dramas....All it does is rob us of our peace of mind..........