Wife has had 2 Affairs in 3 weeks.

[Aztek31]

First time posting, have lurked a little the past 2 weeks. Here is my Story.

 

I had been together with my wife for 12 years, married 7. I put her through college and she went to work for a large retail chain. Well on 4/23/2011, I found out she was having an affair, with a co-worker. I have never cheated on my wife, never struck her, yes we have argued before, and both have said things we regretted. I suspected it, but was not sure, so I installed a spy program on her cell phone, and that is how I found out of the affair. Sad thing is the night of 22nd we went out spent time together, the morning of the 23rd, we took the children (2 boys ages 11 and 4) to breakfast, went shopping everything was fine, until we got home and I checked the computer and found all the incriminating texts.

 

Well needless to say I was very upset, and confronted her, she got very angry and told me I violated her privacy and that those texts were between her and her friend. She then proceeded to tell me that for 12 years I treated her badly daily, which is a lie, but she said that she was not seeing anyone, but the texts proved otherwise. Of course over the next few days we argued daily, she asked to remove the program from her phone, I pretended to do so, she said that she would not talk to him anymore. I left the program on the phone and realized it was worse than I thought, as I mentioned before, she is employed by a large retail store, leaves home at 6:30am and does not return until well after 10:00pm everyday. But because I own a computer company, I have a very flexible schedule, so I put the boys on the bus, receive them when they get home, cook, wash, clean, make sure homework is done, all while I am doing my work to ensure my business stays afloat and food is put on the table.

 

I had found out that she routinely, did not come home on time because she was with him. She had been about 3-4hrs late on a constant basis. So, instead of being at home with her children who never really see her she rather enjoy her time with her lover.

 

I have since moved out, and upon me moving out she told me that she wanted me to pay the 800.00 a month child care bill, because the children would be in child care about 7-8 hrs daily. In the summer 12-13hrs, I told her I would still continue to care for the children to ensure they were taken care of. She agreed, nothing changed continued having her affair.

 

About 2 weeks into this ordeal, she stated she wanted to work things out. I later found out she wanted to work things out because the guy she was having an affair, with found out I had separated from her, and she wanted a relationship with him, but he was not interested.

 

So brings me to today, we are currently in Wisconsin on vacation, probably not the best idea, but because we both have family here, we decided it would be best to take it together with the children, then use the 2 weeks, as a break from each other, and try to work this out. I later find out from my oldest son, that a guy had been calling and coming over to her mothers house, I asked her about it and she stated to me that it was an ex-boyfriend.

 

At this point I told her I wanted nothing to do with her, and I was done being married to her, and wanted a divorce.

 

I guess I am on here because I do not have any clue on how to proceed with the legal stuff, nor do I know what to look for or where to begin.

 

I would like to try and gain custody of the children, because she does not have the ability to care for them, not because she is unable to do so, but because she is never home. I do not want my children in a day care for 12 hrs a day, I no longer live with her, but moved about 30 minutes away.

 

I need advice, on how to proceed with this. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if I rambled, I have a lot of things racing through my mind and I am confused, hurt, and angry.

 

Thanks in advance

[Aztek31]

Actually, now I think of it I may have agreed to drive her up to Wisconsin from Texas, because at the time, I did want to try and work it out, and I feel like she used me for that purpose, which makes me even angrier the more I think about it.

[robf1971]

First time posting, have lurked a little the past 2 weeks. Here is my Story.

 

I had been together with my wife for 12 years, married 7. I put her through college and she went to work for a large retail chain. Well on 4/23/2011, I found out she was having an affair, with a co-worker. I have never cheated on my wife, never struck her, yes we have argued before, and both have said things we regretted. I suspected it, but was not sure, so I installed a spy program on her cell phone, and that is how I found out of the affair. Sad thing is the night of 22nd we went out spent time together, the morning of the 23rd, we took the children (2 boys ages 11 and 4) to breakfast, went shopping everything was fine, until we got home and I checked the computer and found all the incriminating texts.

 

Well needless to say I was very upset, and confronted her, she got very angry and told me I violated her privacy and that those texts were between her and her friend. She then proceeded to tell me that for 12 years I treated her badly daily, which is a lie, but she said that she was not seeing anyone, but the texts proved otherwise. Of course over the next few days we argued daily, she asked to remove the program from her phone, I pretended to do so, she said that she would not talk to him anymore. I left the program on the phone and realized it was worse than I thought, as I mentioned before, she is employed by a large retail store, leaves home at 6:30am and does not return until well after 10:00pm everyday. But because I own a computer company, I have a very flexible schedule, so I put the boys on the bus, receive them when they get home, cook, wash, clean, make sure homework is done, all while I am doing my work to ensure my business stays afloat and food is put on the table.

 

I had found out that she routinely, did not come home on time because she was with him. She had been about 3-4hrs late on a constant basis. So, instead of being at home with her children who never really see her she rather enjoy her time with her lover.

 

I have since moved out, and upon me moving out she told me that she wanted me to pay the 800.00 a month child care bill, because the children would be in child care about 7-8 hrs daily. In the summer 12-13hrs, I told her I would still continue to care for the children to ensure they were taken care of. She agreed, nothing changed continued having her affair.

 

About 2 weeks into this ordeal, she stated she wanted to work things out. I later found out she wanted to work things out because the guy she was having an affair, with found out I had separated from her, and she wanted a relationship with him, but he was not interested.

 

So brings me to today, we are currently in Wisconsin on vacation, probably not the best idea, but because we both have family here, we decided it would be best to take it together with the children, then use the 2 weeks, as a break from each other, and try to work this out. I later find out from my oldest son, that a guy had been calling and coming over to her mothers house, I asked her about it and she stated to me that it was an ex-boyfriend.

 

At this point I told her I wanted nothing to do with her, and I was done being married to her, and wanted a divorce.

 

I guess I am on here because I do not have any clue on how to proceed with the legal stuff, nor do I know what to look for or where to begin.

 

I would like to try and gain custody of the children, because she does not have the ability to care for them, not because she is unable to do so, but because she is never home. I do not want my children in a day care for 12 hrs a day, I no longer live with her, but moved about 30 minutes away.

 

I need advice, on how to proceed with this. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Sorry if I rambled, I have a lot of things racing through my mind and I am confused, hurt, and angry.

 

Thanks in advance

 

Yep, document everything, get yourself the very best lawyer you can afford, find out your rights.

 

Ohh and move back to YOUR home pronto...

[mark982]

move back in, you're hurting your chances of getting your kids by moving out.

[2.50 a gallon]

Aztek

 

Rob has it right, move back in. In some states she can claim by your moving out that you have abandoned her and the kids.

 

As to getting custody begin a journal and document everything, especially the hours you spend with the children, the hours she goes to work and comes home. That might help

 

Also cover your a$$. Separations and divorces are nasty business. Think of it as war. She is your enemy. Especially no violence. Get yourself a Voice Activated Recorder and keep it in your pocket to record your conversations with her. Wandering wives who want custody like to play this nasty trick of calling the law and telling them that they have been hit, knowing that they will take her word at it and arrest you.

 

Then when you get out of the pokey you are served with at temporary restraing order that keeps you out of your house and away from your kids.

 

I say this from experience, a friend got hit that way, he was out and the OM was moved in within days, and he was stuck paying all of the bills.

 

And just like in war you don't give your enemies your plans.

 

Yes everybody has a right to privacy, but that does not include a secret life.

[mark982]

excellent advice from gallon. but should also cut off any and all means to finances, cancel cc card. take half the money and put in new acct in ur name. cell phone in your name? well thats got to go also.

[Mauschen]

I'm going through a custody battle now - it stinks.

 

I recommend reading Winning with Evidence Child Custody A to Z by Guy J. White. Very helpful!

 

Keep a journal of day-to-day activities - who has the kids, fun things you do with them, who takes them to the doctor, who feeds them, buys them clothing. Be their primary parent with all of these things.

 

Document her lifestyle. Document her lies and anything she does that is not in the best interests of the children.

 

Take pictures of you with the kids doing fun things and make an album.

 

Unless a parent really sucks (is on meth or incarcerated), she will get some parenting time, but it looks like you're in a good position to limit her time to every other weekend as long as you continue to be their primary parent during the separation/divorce.

 

Read the book. Totally worth the $16.

 

Good luck!

[Aztek31]

Just want thank everybody for the advice, going to see about moving back in, I know she does not want me there, because she does not want me know what she is doing, really could care less anymore about that. But I see the reason as why to move back in. Thanks everyone.

[Aztek31]

Oh almost forgot, just wanted to say, this new guy she is seeing the ex-boyfriend smokes pot a lot of it. No job, lives in his moms basement, and she paid him gas money to come and visit, her. Oldest son told me last night, "Mom left with him on a walk, and when she came back was acting very funny and different, lost keys, was looking for cell phone when it was in her hand." Documented everything.

[John Michael Kane]

Yep, document everything, get yourself the very best lawyer you can afford, find out your rights.

 

Ohh and move back to YOUR home pronto...

 

Yup. PROTECT YOURSELF LEGALLY!

[Mauschen]

If your ex's lifestyle involves having the kids around someone who does drugs, you should hire a detective to document this stuff if you can afford it. Does she do drugs too?

 

My lawyer said that you need to prove the person is high when around the kids. My ex smokes weed too, but if I can't prove he is under the influence when with the kids, then it doesn't much matter. Depending on where you live, you can record conversations with your ex (depends on the state - ask your lawyer if it is legal) and confront her about the weed use around your children.

 

Harder drugs are a bit different according to my lawyer, and if her bf tests positive for those, it's a big deal, especially if he's spending a lot of time with your kids, overnights, etc. Also, some judges frown on people having boyfriends around the kids before the divorce is final. This dramatic change is really hard and damaging for kids.

 

If your ex sucks badly, then it won't much matter if you're the one who moved out. I moved out and it hasn't affected parenting time for me (but depends on the state, I suppose). My ex got 3 days a week of parenting time, which I am now trying to reduce to every other weekend due to neglect and abuse. I wouldn't have a problem with the 4/3 day schedule otherwise. I wish I had been more rigid upon the divorce about parenting time because I knew he would abuse the kids. The problem is, I had no solid proof at the time. You NEED proof. Now I have documentation from the school, a therapist, etc. Unfortunately, my kids had to endure a lot of neglect and abuse to get this documentation. I hope your children don't.

 

Take your kids to a therapist. They will talk about mom and her boyfriend. Tell the therapist that you're really concerned about the kids because it is too much change for them to have a new man in their lives so soon, especially one who is a bad influence.

[Mauschen]

Oh - one more thing - if your wife is spending money on her bf, that is really frowned upon too. Before you're divorced, that is marital money (unless you've already split up assets).

[divorce2010]

definitely move back in. If it's your place, it's not her choice. Be careful, because the ex's will try to manipulate you. It will be tough on you, but, once you will be there, she probably won't be around.

 

Pay attention to all of those previous posts, it will save you a lot of money, especially with the bank accounts and the credit cards. My ex blew through cash at a remarkable rate before I did something about it. She'll start syphoning cash, buying for her new life, etc.

[wolvie111]

Document everything! Still going through my divorce, its not a nasty one, but it is still a rather uneventful thing to do. You see the lies and deceit popping out every once in awhile. Thats why everything is being documented on my side. Good luck!

[htctouchpro2]

document everything. keep all those incriminating texts and show them to your lawyer for legal advice.

[bigmomma1974]

sometimes you can go to the courthouse in your state file a legal seperation and for temporary custody of the children until the divorce is final. I would go do that asap. As for moving out some states do get spouses for abandonment but if there is an affair involved some states have a law against that. Cant remember what it is called. Call a lawyer if you dont want to go to the court house and do this. Have him file for temporary custody and legal seperation and have her removed from your home. You are always there for the kids and shes always at work so keep the kids in the home they are comfortable with and try to make it as easy as you can for the kids. They will be going through alot of emotions over this as well as you are. Good Luck.