Overcoming the abuse.

[beautifulearth83]

I've allowed a number of people to abuse me mentally and emotionally over the years. My most recent relationship kind of put me 6 feet under, so I've never really felt this defeated.

 

Oddly, all three people involved are Scorpios. I'm an Aries. I'm not sure how much that matters, but it is something that I've found to be interesting.

 

One is my Father, one is a friend and the other is the lover.

 

It's gotten to the point where I don't want these people to know anything about me. I hate to have to do that, but I'm tired of being patronized and condescended.

 

I have moved to different states to get away from these people.

 

But now I am back home and I feel like my life is making some good turns. I'm just worried that these controlling people and even the lingering mental and emotional reactions and memories that remain within me are going to mess it all up. It is my intention for them not to, but I think it's going to take a lot of hard work.

 

Anyway, I'm moving to a new neighborhood soon and I accidently slipped and told the friend where I was moving. She is the kind of person that needs to know everything about me and will always find a way to coax me. She told me "You'll love it there! A lot of good spots!". Which of course sounds like a harmless thing to say, but with all of the wounds and my strong need to be independent and discover things on my own, etc. do not allow me to take that well.

 

It's that I feel that I've lost my personal space. I've lost my sacredness. These are people that I've foolishly told everything to and so I no longer have secrets and my inner world feels it has been exposed. So I've been spending the last whatever amount of years trying to rebuild it and claim my life.

 

Yes, these people and the pain in my head keep popping up. At the moment I feel so terribly imbalanced. I've spent too much of my life not sticking up for myself. The thing is, that when I react to these types of people, it drains me and they attack harder and more personally. So perhaps it is that I haven't been smart enough with these people. But that's how you learn, right?

 

I should mention that with my Father, what is done, is done. I love him to death and as long as I let him do his thing, he doesn't ask much questions. So there is a level of freedom there.

 

My biggest concerns right now are the nosey, abusive, local friend (who has even weaseled her way into hanging out with my little brother) and the ex-girlfriend, not so much her, because she lives so far away, but because of the fact that she has beat me down so horribly hard and I allowed it to happen.

 

I'm not really sure what it is I expect to hear in response to this. I just wonder if anybody could relate and/or offer guidance. Perhaps to make me feel that this isn't so abnormal. Am I meant to just be a tortured soul who is running from these people?

 

I have experienced times and moments of freedom and pure self in my adventures and attempted escapes, but for once I'd like to be home, where I belong, without these distractions and obstructions. It drives me mad.

[Jackshadow]

I grew up in a household that lived by the idea, "whoever wins will be the one who hits the hardest". Emotionally or physically. Bad deal, yeah, but I learned some things from that, and the messy relationships I had after that. They may be helpful to you or they may not, but no matter how much, or who's advice you receive, you have to decide how to move forward.

 

First, power and control in relationships are deceptive. For someone to influence or control you life as you describe, somewhere along they way, you gave up that power to them. Not saying you did it explicitly, but it happened, nonetheless. And they ran with it. If you want to life your life as you see fit, you're going to have to take that control, power, influence, whatever you wish to call it, back from them. It's going to be painful, messy and unpleasant. No getting around that one. But at the end, you will have it back. How? It sounds trite, but just say no. When the nosey friend tries to pry into your life, thank them politely for asking, and tell them you'd rather not discuss it. And when they persist, it may be time to cut them off. That sucks, trust me, I took a five year break from my family, but I got my life back. And the weapons they used on me back then to get a response just don't sting like they used to.

 

Second, figure out who you are. It helps immensely when you're trying to wrest control of your life from other people, to know the real you, the good parts, ugly parts, all of it. May be time for some painful honesty and quiet reflection. Who are you? Who do you want to be? Do you like what you see in the mirror, and if not, what are you going to do about it? That's harder than the first part, if you're really coldly honest with yourself. But if you have a mantra of, "I suck, I'm not strong, I am weak and hate myself", it'll be almost impossible to make changes in your life that will stick.

 

I'll steal this quote from pop culture (sorry about this), but it sums it up nicely:

 

Who honors those we love for the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us and at the same time sings that we'll never die? Who teaches us what's real and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live and what we'll die to defend? Who chains us and who holds the key that can set us free?

 

It's you.

 

You have all the weapons you need.

 

Now fight!

[dollface07]

you have every right to feel smothered scoripos care so much about those that we love that we dont realize how overwhelming it can be to others...we treat you with an emotional intensity that we would like to be treated with...im so sorry they've affected you so negatively I know how destructive we can be at our worst. but rest assured that as long as you dont hold these secrets in your heart about how you TRULY feel overwhelmed, smothered, independence threatened these 3 in your life will have hurt feelings but they will be less hurt the sooner you explain your own feelings to them compassionately and gently the longer you hold out on confronting ALL each and every single one of them the longer they will be lulled into a false sense of security that they are dictating your life in the best way they deem fit b/c they genuinely love you more than you can ever really know...unless you were a scorpio each of these individuals would die for you and give up their lives without even second guessing themselves if given an ultimatum...it's not b/c we dont love ourselves or value our own lives or fatalistic it's b/c the depth of our love and concern and care for those we feel responsible over is more than i can explain with words...please be patient with them and dont be afraid of voicing what's really in your heart patiently and gently so you can all be peaceful and happy.

 

with much understanding and empathy,

 

dollface

 

ps: sorry on their behalves for any emotional anguish or destruction to you all's relationships that have happened up until this point...just maintain optimism and things can become restored new and improved if not with all of you than hopefully at least with your father he's the only one you're gonna have and thankfully he's still alive be grateful dear

[beautifulearth83]

Thank you both for responses and they certainly ring true.

 

I can tell that there is a deep love in these people for me and I am very grateful for it. The issue is that I've allowed them to take the wheel and steer in times where I didn't feel strong enough to conquer my own emotions. So in turn, I spend time attempting to conquer them, which only causes them to fight more and then I'm at a loss.

 

So it is my intention, at this point, to achieve a level of emotional responsibility that still allows these people to be there for me and express their love, but at the same time not be draining to either of us.

 

There is a certain hole in me it seems, where I easily leak out. Heart on my sleeve, I guess. I'm merely trying to claim my life and do so without any loss for the ones I care for.

 

Tough stuff.

 

Thanks again.