We broke up just because of her insecurities?

[Soru]

This is somewhat long, so bear with me please...

 

My girlfriend of 15 months just broke up with me yesterday, and its devastating me. I just cant seem to wrap my head around how she can our relationship over something as trivial as this?

 

Me and her hooked up the last year of highschool, and things were great. I would always do sweet things for her to remind her that I cared. For example, we were sleeping in my room, and woke up before her, so I went bought her some flowers in her car and placed a post it note sticker with "I Love You" written over it as I left the flowers on her driver's seat. I was that type of guy. Thats only ONE example. A romantic. I loved her more than anything. We both were going to the same college, but I was transferring in the spring of 2011, and she was going there in the fall of 2010...Even when she was in Columbus and I was in Cincinnati, it was good because she highly anticipated my visits to her and would text me and call me often.

 

However when I transfer to the school, I start to notice a change in her demeanor after the first half of the spring semester. She began to stop caring about her appearance when she was around me (she admitted she was getting too comfortable with me), she began to start to take my occasional sweet little reminders of affection such as love notes and such for granted, and i even got her nice things every now and then too. Even the sexual aspect started to get affected. It was as if she became indifferent towards me and our relationship.

 

Now she had troubles. The girl was paranoid about friends. And her weird insecurity about friends is what cost us to break up. She wanted to please her friends. She wanted them. I was often cast aside for her to do things with her friends, and it hurt a lot. I'd ask her if she still loves me and wants our relationship, and she says she does but her actions are completely opposite to it.

 

Now the other day we were cuddling and i brought this up to her just as I have many times before, and she says she is sorry and that she loves me. Things went well, as we cuddled for a bit before she had to leave. The next day, I go to her for support for arguing with my father, and she does support me, but then as I try to initiate some much needed and delayed intimacy, she once again, doesn't even really kiss me back. I wanted her opinion honestly, and at first she was hesitant to say something, but then she came out and explained she just wanted her friends. She was choosing them over me. Despite the fact that she said she loves me? She even said she still does, but just doesnt want a relationship with me right now. We broke up once before over our first time in college too, but that lasted only a week as she began to miss me as much as I did her.

 

I dont want to lose her forever. Especially over something as selfish and ridiculous as just wanting to spend time with her buddies who are moving away. Whenever I do leave her or ignore for a period of time, she starts to miss it, so maybe she'll realize it was a mistake once she reflects on it? She acted the same way the first time we broke up: Positive that it was the right move, and that I shouldn't aniticipate her coming back to me...But she did in just a week's time. I feel like I need to just not contact her whatsoever for a while, but still show subtle signs that I still care for her. I was a good boyfriend...I wasnt perfect by any means. But there was no doubt that I loved this girl, and made it known...

 

You never know what you got till its gone right?

Edited May 19, 2011 by Soru

[Ajax]

You never know what you got till its gone right?

 

Sometimes, but I think that's more the case when you're the one who's been dumped.

 

I would always do sweet things for her to remind her that I cared. For example, we were sleeping in my room, and woke up before her, so I went bought her some flowers in her car and placed a post it note sticker with "I Love You" written over it as I left the flowers on her driver's seat. I was that type of guy. Thats only ONE example. A romantic.

 

I was the same way. Especially in my last relationship, I pulled out all the stops. Flowers, cooking dinner, notes, chocolate covered strawberries. I was as romantic as they come. But one thing I learned is thhat when it comes to romance, less is oftentimes more. This can be especially true when the partner on the recieving end has "insecurities." The romance is nice, but a little goes a long way and too much only pushes them further away.

 

 

I dont want to lose her forever. Especially over something as selfish and ridiculous as just wanting to spend time with her buddies who are moving away. Whenever I do leave her or ignore for a period of time, she starts to miss it, so maybe she'll realize it was a mistake once she reflects on it? She acted the same way the first time we broke up: Positive that it was the right move, and that I shouldn't aniticipate her coming back to me...But she did in just a week's time. I feel like I need to just not contact her whatsoever for a while, but still show subtle signs that I still care for her. I was a good boyfriend...I wasnt perfect by any means. But there was no doubt that I loved this girl, and made it known....

 

If she has issues that she needs to deal with it doesn't matter how good a boyfriend you were. Intellectually she probably knows you were, but emotionally she just couldn't handle the relationship. Either she was really insecure with her friends, or she just lost feelings for you (it happens all the time). And the truth is that you likely don't have all the information. She told you what was easiest for her to tell you, and that's usually not the whole truth.

 

I'm not saying this to make you bitter or hostile towards her, just so that hopefully you can look at this from another perspective. I know you're hurting and looking for answers. It's okay to feel the pain, but answers may not come easily. In breakups like these there are always underlying issues that we aren't aware of. What we see and what we're told is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

And that raises the question, is she someone you can have a stable relationship with? I know you love her, and that's okay too, but she wasn't really being honest with you. She wouldn't let you in and help you understand what was going on in her world. And even if she was being truthful, that would mean she chose her friends over you! Is this someone you could ever really invest your feelings and trust in again? Did you really feel she was appreciative of you as a boyfriend? Wouldn't you always be on your guard, wondering when she was going to leave you again?

 

That's no way to live your life and not a healthy relationship. My advice is to let her go, hard as it is. She may waffle back and forth, getting in touch with you, saying she misses you, ensuring that you're still available to her when she decides it's convenient, but that's not good for you. You need to go NC for your own peace of mind and future wellbeing.

[Soru]

Thanks Ajax. Yeah, I totally understand. She texted me yesterday asking how I was, and then later asked me when I was free so she could return one of the things I left. I dunno why shes tormenting me so much. And I dont know why she cant just drop them off in the mailbox. I feel like she has something to tell me, but i dont know what.

[nana841121]

insecurity can only be cured by herself

[adc395]

I read your last post about thinking she was falling out. I feel like I'm going through that right now, and I don't know what I can do about it. She says everything that I want to hear, but she doesn't act on what she says. It makes me feel like I'm boring and "same old same old" even though she says I'm not. Any suggestions for that?

[HLP234]

Your gf chose friends over you, mine kinda wants to choose herself over our relationship. Just because my situation takes time away from her, when it never did before. Because I have to help out my family I don't see her much. I am now getting the same treatment of insecurities coming out. No one can be there for you 100% of the time all the time, they will learn that at one point.

 

Just because someone is unhappy with the current situation doesn't mean they should break up. She wants her friends, ok so will her friends leave her if she hangs out with you? Will my gf leave me because I have to help out during weekends and can't be with her 24/7? Maybe.. but thats a problem.

 

Insecurities are something that we can't fix in people. Some people will never be cured of them. They get used to the relationship one way, the way they imagined and once it changes, they are no longer happy, so you suffer too because you worry and don't sleep, and cry over how you can go about saving it.

 

But you really can't save it unless the other person sees their own fault and admits they are being selfish and not making sense. Once they say that you can communicate some kind of compromise. I'm still waiting for that, we have been arguing for a while now. We are fine together, but when not together, there is always a thought brought up about how she can't handle this, not seeing me and me having to do stuff for family when I'm too old to be helping out. Which isn't true. Its kind of the same situation here. She wants her friends, feels like her relationship with you is going bad because she spends all her time with you. She wants you to accept that and let her do what she wants to do, have her way.

 

You have to realize that if she loves you she will understand at one point that change or differences happen all the time and we just need to realize them and work through things together, be there for one another. Have time with friends and with you. Until she realizes that, her insecurities will just get the best of her.