TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Trust me, I am far from bitter. I've never been the one to break things off, and I've always ignored those who tried to make some kind of reconciliatory contact with me. However they tried it. Why? because I'm worth more than that. My recovery period was severely reduced, because once you ditch me, buddy, I'm history. You had your chance, you blew it, and passed up on something great. More fool you. call me, pester me throw me breadcrumbs all you want. I'm not biting, because if you're throwing me breadcrumbs, you have a guilty conscience. well deal with it. I don't care. I'ma priority, not an option. And at 54, I know what I'm talking about. My post count would contradict your evaluation of my experience here. Trust me, I'm an old hand at this, and the reason I can post with such conviction, is that I've been here a long long time. Longer than you'd think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 I am sure but you said something that shocked me. You dont give second chances. I would because i love the stupid cow Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Why are you posting this here? What is it you want to achieve? Do you want to get back together with her? If so, on what conditions, what has to change for you to be together? What of her behaviour do you not like? What of your behaviour does she not like? Can you be bothered with the necessary effort required to create a new relationship with this woman? Is she worth it? These are the questions you will need to answer, and for most of them, the answers are in your heart. If, after honestly answering them all you find you do want to start a new relationship with her, then you have questions you need her to answer too. In fact, she will need to answer all the same questions I have asked you here. Otherwise, go no contact. This is how I see no contact: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/blog.php?b=150 In any case, stop texting. If you want to talk about serious, sensitive or significant things then talk preferably face to face or by phone. We all fantasize about being with someone, about things being different, and texts / email / Facebook all let us leak those fantasies out of our heads into the real world. But it is when we are actually with someone, as in, in the same room as someone, that matters. How you interact, how you feel, when you are actually together is your relationship. Everything else is just in your head. That said, if you find you do want to get back together with her, call her up and say you'd like to talk about you and her, and see if you guys can get back together. Then go through all those questions and each of you answer honestly to see if you're compatible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 I actually did what you said but she is the one saying its to late to solve the minor issues we have , so I went NC but i see her sending me confused frequencies. I want to clear she is not a bad person and would never contact me to make me feel bad...No way Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I actually did what you said but she is the one saying its to late to solve the minor issues we have , so I went NC but i see her sending me confused frequencies. No, she isn't. you're the one confusing her frequencies. She is sending these to make herself feel better, and to convince herself that if you're talking to her, then everything is ok, and there's room for friendship as you being there in case everything goes pear-shaped for her. The reason you are confused is because you want to read a positive outcome into this, but it's not being given to you. If she is saying it's too late to solve the issues you have, then your post about getting her back, is one from a man who is listening, but can't hear what is being said to him. You're holding on to a grain of hope, where there is none.... I want to clear she is not a bad person and would never contact me to make me feel bad...No way nobody is suggesting that this is her motive. But: It IS making you feel confused, and bad. It may well not be her intention, but that's the effect it's having. because you rise to it and respond to it every time. She contacts you as a back-up stand-by someone to lean on, because it makes her feel less bad about not wanting you back. Stop responding to her, and she will - I guarantee - up her contact to you. because she needs constant appeasement that your replies give her. if you stop responding, she will contact you more. She needs your reply to reassure her that you're ok being friend-zoned. Go with betterdeal's advice. It's good advice. but nothing I have said was meant to suggest that what she is doing is deliberately or consciously hurtful. It is however, a sound and well-known basis for dumpers keeping in touch with their EXes. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) I actually did what you said but she is the one saying its to late to solve the minor issues we have , so I went NC but i see her sending me confused frequencies. So she has decided you are over and done with. That's the end of it. The texts are small talk. You want big talk. You are confused because of the difference between what you want is in conflict with what she wants. Time to be selfish and get what you want i.e. big talk or no talk. I want to clear she is not a bad person and would never contact me to make me feel bad...No way I'm sure she isn't. These texts are, however, a distraction for you. How do you think we survived before mobile phones and the Internet? When you weren't with someone, you weren't in contact with them. Most of the time you weren't even near a landline, and if you were, it was shared with your family. You two are split up. Tell her to stop texting you if you want to be back on your feet quicker. Take control of your life. Phone her up and say, "I want you to stop texting me. It upsets me getting these texts. We are over, finished, no more. There is no us any more. Good bye" Edited May 23, 2011 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) I've been the dumper, the dumpee, and the adult who mutually agreed to dissolve the partnership with the other person. I am good friends with some exes, loose friends with others, and have nothing to do with others. I know couples who split up and got back together years later after several in between relationships. I've been friends a day after splitting up, but most times, it takes years, not days to reach the stage where you can be friends, and it all depends on both of you being friendly, and that depends on you being stable, and that requires some space and time in which to stabilise. Dan Savage is good about this stuff: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=reRU3S_Z5MQ I'll also add that your physical ailment may be an indirect result of the the traumatic emotional experience you have had in this break up. Because you are stressed and upset, you may well not be eating, sleeping or exercising well. Your mind is elsewhere. This will make you run down and prone to infection or injury. It will also expose underlying ailments because you are weaker at the moment, and your pain threshold is therefore lower. You may be noticing an illness that has been there for a long time, because right now you cannot ignore it (a typical coping mechanism in men). She cannot help you. You can, and there are people around willing to help you too. Are you eating well? Are you exercising? Are you sleeping well? What's your social life like? What about your money situation? Is your home secure? These are the real things you need to pay attention to. If they are okay, great, if not, let's start improving them. Edited May 23, 2011 by betterdeal Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Tara is pretty spot on. Of course people CAN but the circumstances have to be just right, people have to be mature and penitent. Her advice over this forum is very appreciated and helpful. I'd agree to disagree with a focus on not believing in absolutes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 69ways Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 Nobody said her help is not, I just dont see things as black and white as some of you here do Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Okay then. I don't know what it is you want, but I wish you good luck and hope you feel better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
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