do i have any right to tell him how much to drink?

[jennie]

my boyfriend and i have had an on going problem with his drinking since day one, two years ago. all though he has substanially cut down to once or twice a week and only a few beers then, it has become more of an issue for me, or a control issus as he says. next wed. he goes for a fantasy football draft and i know he will be drinking, i want to set a limit so i don't have to worry about him coming home half buzzed, is this wrong? or i thought i'd go and that way i can make sure he don't go over board, but i don't want to put myself through three hours of boring football talk, yuk! it's bad enough he watches and lives sports. i also know this is going to be a problem with the games as well cause he has season tickets for over half the home games and i know when i go with him he only has one beer at my request, but i don't like to go in the winter and freeze my butt off so he'll be going with his brother and or friends and last year he promised me he'd only have one beer at the game, then they stopped at a friends house and had a couple more, he said he kept his promise cause he only had one at the game, the others were at the friends house. so i try to find any loop hole he may try to use so he can't break his promise. yes, i'm tired of the struggle and the endless battle, but it isn't that he drinks that much any more considering he use to drink every night of the week, it's just that i have a sore spot about drinking anyway and i hate it and i try to control it. other then that, that is our main or my main problem and everytime it comes up though i think about leaving him, but it seems petty to leave him over this when in fact he is a very good man, he never womanizes, opens the door for me, never stares at other women, that is the best thing about him, he accepts my daughter as his family, etc. he is a good person except this problem i have with him. he only tricked me that one time, he hasnt' done it sense that i know of. i can tell too when and if he drinks more then a few cause it shows in his eyes. any advice? am i wrong? what can i do? please advise. thank you.

[Tony T]

Drinking is a very big issue in a relationship. When a guy is single and unattached, I think it's OK to go out and get blasted if he is so inclined. But when a man is in a relationship and knows that the drinking is very bothersome to his mate, it becomes inconsiderate and disrespectful if done outside the terms agreed upon.

 

It seems he has come a very long way from the times when he drank considerably more. But he still has a problem and you will have to deal with it. To a guy who wants to drink up, limits on the drinking are wrong and unreasonable. From your perspective, you don't want him coming home smashed out of his mind so it is right to set limits. However, this is treating him as a child. If he has to be treated as a child, do you really want him?

 

You describe so many great qualities about him but this drinking issue could really screw all of that up. If I were you I would contact organizations like Alcoholics Annonymous and see if they have recommendations on how you can deal with this. (I don't really know if your guy is an alcoholic or not. He very well may be but it makes no difference). Go to the Loveshack homepage for links to sites dealing with drinking and alcoholism.

 

If I were you I would work for make a go of this relationship because of his many great qualities. But you have to create an environment where he does not have to lie about the amount of his drinking, etc. You should NOT have to worry about going places with him to keep his drinking to a minimum or him coming home drunk after being out with the boys.

 

You are the one who is going to have to decide just how much you can put up with. Chances are he may grow out of this in the years ahead. Meanwhile, the two of you are going to have to come to strict terms on the ground rules. It is not a control issue, it is an issue of your preference for a sober and healthy guy.

 

If he is indeed an alcholic, then you could be opening yourself up for a life of hell...because any moment he could go back to his old ways. He will only stop drinking or cut way back when he realizes he has a problem and is ready. I hope you will explore all the ways you can save this relationship. But if his drinking can't get to a tolerable level for you, you have no choice but to terminate your relationship with him...or just put up with it.

 

You are not wrong to try to get this issue ironed out to your satisfaction.

[Deejette]

I have a boyfriend that drinks too much and I don't want to be his mother, but I know he is ruining his health (he has gout--which is drink-related). Our relationship is very limited because of this drinking and the way he treats his health, in terms of the future. I have told him to stop killing off so many of his brain cells on one or two occcasions, but that's about it. He really doens't drink too much around me. He does it when he is alone. He will call me up and I know he is drunk. He is funny and illogical, not hostile or mean, but I still don't like it. If I were serious about getting married, he would have to quit or I would have to move on, but nagging and being his mother is not a good thing and it definitely ruins romance.

Drinking is a very big issue in a relationship. When a guy is single and unattached, I think it's OK to go out and get blasted if he is so inclined. But when a man is in a relationship and knows that the drinking is very bothersome to his mate, it becomes inconsiderate and disrespectful if done outside the terms agreed upon. It seems he has come a very long way from the times when he drank considerably more. But he still has a problem and you will have to deal with it. To a guy who wants to drink up, limits on the drinking are wrong and unreasonable. From your perspective, you don't want him coming home smashed out of his mind so it is right to set limits. However, this is treating him as a child. If he has to be treated as a child, do you really want him? You describe so many great qualities about him but this drinking issue could really screw all of that up. If I were you I would contact organizations like Alcoholics Annonymous and see if they have recommendations on how you can deal with this. (I don't really know if your guy is an alcoholic or not. He very well may be but it makes no difference). Go to the Loveshack homepage for links to sites dealing with drinking and alcoholism.

 

If I were you I would work for make a go of this relationship because of his many great qualities. But you have to create an environment where he does not have to lie about the amount of his drinking, etc. You should NOT have to worry about going places with him to keep his drinking to a minimum or him coming home drunk after being out with the boys. You are the one who is going to have to decide just how much you can put up with. Chances are he may grow out of this in the years ahead. Meanwhile, the two of you are going to have to come to strict terms on the ground rules. It is not a control issue, it is an issue of your preference for a sober and healthy guy. If he is indeed an alcholic, then you could be opening yourself up for a life of hell...because any moment he could go back to his old ways. He will only stop drinking or cut way back when he realizes he has a problem and is ready. I hope you will explore all the ways you can save this relationship. But if his drinking can't get to a tolerable level for you, you have no choice but to terminate your relationship with him...or just put up with it. You are not wrong to try to get this issue ironed out to your satisfaction.