Depressed over wifes affair

[DepressedinDenver]

This is going to be long and probably jumbled but I am in shock and not is a very good frame of mind currently. I have just had the worst 4 hours of my life. I don't even know if I am posting this in the right section or not. I apologize if not.

 

I don't really know where to start. I am 25. My wife is 22. We have been together for 3 years but only married for 1. Our anniversary was just last month. So a couple hours ago I checked my facebook and got a random message from some girl. The message said that she caught her boyfriend making out with my wife and she thought I should know. I checked the girls profile and she is just 17 years old. I thought it was some kind of joke at first or that she messaged the wrong person. I looked at her wall and saw her relationship was "its complicated" with a guy. I recognized the guy as someone my wife use to date.

 

She had broken up with him about a month before we got together 3 years ago. She was a freshman in college and he was still in high school at the time. He is also a friend of a young cousin of mine. I'm pretty sure the guy is a womanizer and it makes me sick that my wife seems to have fallen for him again. I still thought this wasnt true and that the girl was just creating drama.

 

My wife is currently out of town with her sister who is moving and my wife is helping. She will not be back until tomorrow. I was tempted to call her but decided against it. Instead I perhaps stupidly broke into her facebook account. I was relieved to not find any messages between her and this guy (tho he is added as a friend). That was just at first. She had a lot of messages from friends and family but when I scrolled enough i found messages from him as recently as 3 weeks ago.

 

I shouldn't have read them because I have felt broken since reading them. So much dirty talk between them and reading him saying things like "Can't wait to hear you scream my name in awhile." and "I loved seeing your ass bounce while you slid up and down my cock." and read her say things like "I'm horny for you." and "I can't wait to kiss your abs tonight" and "Last night was incredible when can I cum over again?" It has all been sick and has made me sick. Sorry if it is too explicit but its been sickening.

 

I have found messages as far back as last summer. Just 4 months into our marriage. I thought our marriage was going great. We had a couple hiccups at first but I have been happy and see seems happy but now maybe I am seeing signs while lost here in thoughts. We have had a lot less sex since being married but its mostly been on her part. I am usually in the mood for sex but she is usually the one who is not. Well one message in particular from a couple days before last Christmas hit me the hardest. They were talking about gifts and he asked what she asked me for a gift. He then said maybe you should ask your husband for an orgasm for once so you don't have to fake it. She said "I wish but thats what I have your hard cock for." This brought me down completely. I cried for the first time in 7 years.

 

I love my wife. I have always done everything I could to make us both happy. When I first met her I had that feeling in my gut that she was the one and I have always thought she felt the same way. I have always considered myself a rock. I grew up without a mom and my dad was a good dad but he was always working and hardly around. I have never been one to show too much emotion. I took care of my little sister and have always been a rock for her. I have always tried to be a rock for my wife. I have always tried to be rock for myself but right now I feel like a pebble that my wife and this young punk have stepped on. Knowing some 19 year old punk can please my wife and I can't has made me feel so low and like a nothing.

 

She called about an hour agao but I didnt answer. She texted me asking what I was doing today and I have not texted back. I dont know what to do. I wish I could feel more anger right now but I'm just in shock and depressed. I hate to say it but I have just had suicidal thoughts. I have gone from a pretty stoic individual to a complete mess in just a few hours. I am sorry for the long post and for all the rambling but I had to get this out. I don't think I could confide in anyone I know personally because I would feel even worse about myself.

 

I don't even know what I want from all of you. I just came across this site. Its funny how a person thinks the internet can give them answers they are looking for but until I confront my wife I wont get any real answer. I just dont feel like doing it over the phone. Waiting till tomorrow will be hard and I doubt I will get any sleep tonight.

 

Any advice is welcomed. Please.

[love4me2c]

Ok so I've been like your wife. Granted this was after my husband cheated on me, but I digress...

 

1. She's immature. At her age, I was still partying it up and definitely not ready for marriage!

2. What she tells this other man is most likely not the truth but an ego boost for him. Remember, she doesn't think you know of these messages so she doesn't need to be truthful at all!

3. She's in the FOG. I've been there and it aint pretty. The "fog" is where the wayward spouse (WS) thinks nothing but their needs and themselves.

 

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I know that the lowest I felt was when my husband confronted me with what I had written to the OM. It appears similar in nature. I am VERY regretful for what I did to my WH (wayward husband). If I were in your situation, I would separate. In fact, move all of your stuff out while she's gone. Let her figure it out. I'm sorry you are going through this. I cannot even imagine being in your situation.

[DepressedinDenver]

Ok so I've been like your wife. Granted this was after my husband cheated on me, but I digress...

 

1. She's immature. At her age, I was still partying it up and definitely not ready for marriage!

2. What she tells this other man is most likely not the truth but an ego boost for him. Remember, she doesn't think you know of these messages so she doesn't need to be truthful at all!

3. She's in the FOG. I've been there and it aint pretty. The "fog" is where the wayward spouse (WS) thinks nothing but their needs and themselves.

 

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I know that the lowest I felt was when my husband confronted me with what I had written to the OM. It appears similar in nature. I am VERY regretful for what I did to my WH (wayward husband). If I were in your situation, I would separate. In fact, move all of your stuff out while she's gone. Let her figure it out. I'm sorry you are going through this. I cannot even imagine being in your situation.

 

Yeah I think separation is my only option because I do not think I can ever forgive her and definitely not trust her ever again. Moving her stuff out is a good idea but I dont know where I would send all the stuff and that just gives me a day to do all that. I assume you and your husband split after this or did you work things out?

 

I am going to have to think about this moving her stuff out idea if I can come up with a way to do it. I'm not looking forward to the confrontation I must say though.

[Universe]

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. It's really horrible. There's really nothing more to say. Now it's time to pick up the pieces and move on. You're going to feel pretty terrible for a while. But you WILL recover. Just think of right now as rock-bottom. Things are going to get better from here. Just resolve to respect yourself and remove yourself from the situation with your wife. You have to take care of yourself now. Do what you can to heal and recover.

 

You're still very young. You have your whole life ahead of you. There are literally millions of women out there who would never treat you so contemptuously. You will meet one soon and your life will be better. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Get away from this broken woman. You have an opportunity to start again. Life can be beautiful. Just give it a chance. You will be glad you did.

 

Take care.

[DepressedinDenver]

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. It's really horrible. There's really nothing more to say. Now it's time to pick up the pieces and move on. You're going to feel pretty terrible for a while. But you WILL recover. Just think of right now as rock-bottom. Things are going to get better from here. Just resolve to respect yourself and remove yourself from the situation with your wife. You have to take care of yourself now. Do what you can to heal and recover.

 

You're still very young. You have your whole life ahead of you. There are literally millions of women out there who would never treat you so contemptuously. You will meet one soon and your life will be better. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Get away from this broken woman. You have an opportunity to start again. Life can be beautiful. Just give it a chance. You will be glad you did.

 

Take care.

 

Thank you for the very kind words.

This definitely is rock bottom. It has already been the longest day of my life.

Thank you you words are so true.

[love4me2c]

We split up, but it was not really the infidelity that did it but did play a role. We had a bad marriage before that. I don't know the situation about where you live but is it possible for YOU to move out? That is what I did. I didn't want the house or anything else for that matter. I just wanted the lies and pain to end. I had to rebuild a new life for myself, but am happier for it. Some people can forgive cheating and others can't. I knew, because of my personality, that staying would destroy me. The affair, details about the affair, why he had an affair, etc. consumed me for the 8 months I was trying to "save my marriage." I couldn't deal with it anymore.

[DepressedinDenver]

We split up, but it was not really the infidelity that did it but did play a role. We had a bad marriage before that. I don't know the situation about where you live but is it possible for YOU to move out? That is what I did. I didn't want the house or anything else for that matter. I just wanted the lies and pain to end. I had to rebuild a new life for myself, but am happier for it. Some people can forgive cheating and others can't. I knew, because of my personality, that staying would destroy me. The affair, details about the affair, why he had an affair, etc. consumed me for the 8 months I was trying to "save my marriage." I couldn't deal with it anymore.

 

No I love this house and it is close to my work. She will have to be the one who moves out.

 

Thank you 2 for the responses. Any other advice is very welcomed.

 

I am going to go for a drive and will update you all later. :/

[Lecturer]

I'm sorry you are going through this. What you're feeling is normal, but please don't act on the suicidal thoughts. Your background (growing up without a mom, not much father figure, taking care of a little sister, controlling your emotions) is EXACTLY the same as me. Exactly.

 

Your wife sounds like she has a serious lack of security and/or self-value. When people like her do this sort of thing (with a guy like the one in question) it is because they are desperately seeking affirmation. You could give her all the affirmation and support in the world, and it'd never be enough. My point is that the problem is HERS .. not yours.

 

I know your ego has taken a massive pounding through this (which is a primary reason for suicidal thoughts.. egos make us do that), but I think the ego damage is inflated more than it should be. The things she was saying wasn't likely true- just context specific to achieve the results she was after (affirmation from the guy).

 

I will be brutally honest. I don't think you have a future with your wife. However, while still being HONEST (not trying to blow smoke up your ass)... you WILL be far happier one day. I've seen cases of it before, and it is amazing. You just have to hold on and make it through this - but remember, this isn't your fault in ANY WAY. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this, except stay alone - and while that may seem like a better choice at the moment, in the long run it isn't.

[nordic]

Ok so I've been like your wife. Granted this was after my husband cheated on me, but I digress...

 

1. She's immature. At her age, I was still partying it up and definitely not ready for marriage!

2. What she tells this other man is most likely not the truth but an ego boost for him. Remember, she doesn't think you know of these messages so she doesn't need to be truthful at all!

3. She's in the FOG. I've been there and it aint pretty. The "fog" is where the wayward spouse (WS) thinks nothing but their needs and themselves.

 

I don't know what to tell you to do, but I know that the lowest I felt was when my husband confronted me with what I had written to the OM. It appears similar in nature. I am VERY regretful for what I did to my WH (wayward husband). If I were in your situation, I would separate. In fact, move all of your stuff out while she's gone. Let her figure it out. I'm sorry you are going through this. I cannot even imagine being in your situation.

 

1) you think:-)

 

2)what??? its the truth. of course it is. why doesnt she need to be truthfull, and are you insane?

 

3) mmm

 

yes, agree. he needs to get out.

[whichwayisup]

I shouldn't have read them because I have felt broken since reading them. So much dirty talk between them and reading him saying things like "Can't wait to hear you scream my name in awhile." and "I loved seeing your ass bounce while you slid up and down my cock." and read her say things like "I'm horny for you." and "I can't wait to kiss your abs tonight" and "Last night was incredible when can I cum over again?" It has all been sick and has made me sick. Sorry if it is too explicit but its been sickening.

 

I have found messages as far back as last summer. Just 4 months into our marriage.

 

Change the locks and pack up a few boxes for her and leave them on the porch. Leave out a printed copy of what you saw and read on the door. Let her move out, since she is the one who messed up big time!

 

I usually don't advocate divorce so quickly, but in this case, since you've only been married for a year, atleast do a separation for a while before divorcing her. She is immature and seems to have not understood the meaning of your wedding vows. She's lied, cheated, betrayed you, on a daily basis for a long time.

 

I am sorry for your pain.

[nordic]

No I love this house and it is close to my work. She will have to be the one who moves out.

 

Thank you 2 for the responses. Any other advice is very welcomed.

 

I am going to go for a drive and will update you all later. :/

 

i ment out of the relationship. she needs to go, or you will not sleep ever again:-)

[bigmomma1974]

it is a horrible thing to find out that your spouse is cheating, my heart goes out to you. You have to decide what is best for you at this time in your life. WIll you be able to forgive her and move forward with her, or will this always play a role in your relationship if you stay. Noone can tell you what to do but think long and hard on this. Either way it is your choice. I am sorry that your hurting and that your in pain, but it will get better and you will be a stronger person from all of this. being cheated on sucks, I allowed a man i was with for 6 yrs to continue to do this to me until i finally realized he was never gona change. I am now happily married and madly in love with my husband and he is madly in love with me. Good Luck with what ever you decide and i hope you can sleep a little.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I think separation is my only option because I do not think I can ever forgive her and definitely not trust her ever again. Moving her stuff out is a good idea but I dont know where I would send all the stuff and that just gives me a day to do all that. I assume you and your husband split after this or did you work things out?

 

I am going to have to think about this moving her stuff out idea if I can come up with a way to do it. I'm not looking forward to the confrontation I must say though.

 

Since she cheated into four months of your marriage, what's the point of even trying to salvage things with her?

 

Don't let her manipulate you, blame you or even get angry that you saw those messages. You snooping because you got tipped off is something you had every right to do! Don't feel bad for looking at her messages and confirming what this guys girlfriend told you.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Brother, don't do anything rash. You're young and there's plently of life left to leave. I know how bad you must feel right now...

 

You will have to force her to come clean about this. I wouldn't suggest saying "Oh, I looked thru your Facebook" because then you'll get a buncha guff about how you violated her privacy or trust or whatever. Hooey. I would just say "What's the deal with you and such and such?" and let her have enough rope to hang herself, so to speak.

 

This will pass. I know that seems ridiculous to say, but it will. It will take a lot of time, but you will survive this.

[redtail]

...

I wouldn't suggest saying "Oh, I looked thru your Facebook" because then you'll get a buncha guff about how you violated her privacy or trust or whatever. Hooey. I would just say "What's the deal with you and such and such?" and let her have enough rope to hang herself, so to speak.

...

 

This is true, I had a very similar situation which I've repeated a number of times here. But the short version is, I found out my wife was having an affair and she promised to quit, yada, yada, yada. A few months after that I saw she had left her journal out and I read it, with many of the kind things you read, leaving me no doubt she was still in the affair. So I asked her questions about when she saw him last, etc, and she lied about it all. Until I said, I read your journal, does that change any of your answers? She responded with "how could you?" uh, yeah.. Considering what she had done, the ends justified the means.

 

I'm so sorry for you and I wish you the best. I remember people telling me about divorce at the time I first found out and I did NOT want to believe them. Please, believe it! Divorce is like taking off a band aid, it's best if you do it quickly. The process wil start the healing and once it is over, look forward about a year, and you'll be glad to have closed that chapter in your life.

 

Best of luck to you my friend!

[DepressedinDenver]

Didnt mean to worry anyone. I am not going to do anything stupid. I feel the anger now though. My emotions have been coming out like bullets today. Earlier I was basically numb and didnt want to do anything. Now I want to call my wife and confront her, ask the young girl who contacted me question and message the young punk on facebook and confront him.

 

But I know that all would be stupid right now.

[DepressedinDenver]

I'm sorry you are going through this. What you're feeling is normal, but please don't act on the suicidal thoughts. Your background (growing up without a mom, not much father figure, taking care of a little sister, controlling your emotions) is EXACTLY the same as me. Exactly.

 

Your wife sounds like she has a serious lack of security and/or self-value. When people like her do this sort of thing (with a guy like the one in question) it is because they are desperately seeking affirmation. You could give her all the affirmation and support in the world, and it'd never be enough. My point is that the problem is HERS .. not yours.

 

I know your ego has taken a massive pounding through this (which is a primary reason for suicidal thoughts.. egos make us do that), but I think the ego damage is inflated more than it should be. The things she was saying wasn't likely true- just context specific to achieve the results she was after (affirmation from the guy).

 

I will be brutally honest. I don't think you have a future with your wife. However, while still being HONEST (not trying to blow smoke up your ass)... you WILL be far happier one day. I've seen cases of it before, and it is amazing. You just have to hold on and make it through this - but remember, this isn't your fault in ANY WAY. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this, except stay alone - and while that may seem like a better choice at the moment, in the long run it isn't.

 

Yes a lot of what you say is true. I hope. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Didnt mean to worry anyone. I am not going to do anything stupid. I feel the anger now though. My emotions have been coming out like bullets today. Earlier I was basically numb and didnt want to do anything. Now I want to call my wife and confront her, ask the young girl who contacted me question and message the young punk on facebook and confront him.

 

But I know that all would be stupid right now.

 

Take a deep breath and continue to post and vent it out here.

 

You are allowed to feel whatever you'd like! Just don't do anything rash and out of emotion..

[DepressedinDenver]

Change the locks and pack up a few boxes for her and leave them on the porch. Leave out a printed copy of what you saw and read on the door. Let her move out, since she is the one who messed up big time!

 

I usually don't advocate divorce so quickly, but in this case, since you've only been married for a year, atleast do a separation for a while before divorcing her. She is immature and seems to have not understood the meaning of your wedding vows. She's lied, cheated, betrayed you, on a daily basis for a long time.

 

I am sorry for your pain.

 

I feel like a quick divorce is the only solution. I kind of even want to go file tomorrow, but I would like to confront her first.

[DepressedinDenver]

it is a horrible thing to find out that your spouse is cheating, my heart goes out to you. You have to decide what is best for you at this time in your life. WIll you be able to forgive her and move forward with her, or will this always play a role in your relationship if you stay. Noone can tell you what to do but think long and hard on this. Either way it is your choice. I am sorry that your hurting and that your in pain, but it will get better and you will be a stronger person from all of this. being cheated on sucks, I allowed a man i was with for 6 yrs to continue to do this to me until i finally realized he was never gona change. I am now happily married and madly in love with my husband and he is madly in love with me. Good Luck with what ever you decide and i hope you can sleep a little.

 

Thank you. I am sorry for what your man did to you.

[DepressedinDenver]

@UnsureinSeattle and @redtail

 

I get what you are saying and you are probably right. I'm sure she will play the privacy card but I really don't care what she tries to turn on me. The proof is in those words that she is in the wrong and regardless of what she tries to put on me I really don't care right now.

[DepressedinDenver]

Take a deep breath and continue to post and vent it out here.

 

You are allowed to feel whatever you'd like! Just don't do anything rash and out of emotion..

 

Yeah I know man. I'm trying to be as calm as possible.

[seibert253]

I think I have to agree with the idea that she come home to her stuff boxed up, sitting in the driveway with the printouts of her messages sitting on top. IIWU, thats exactly what I would do.

 

Cheating after only 4 months of marriage, she's gotta go IMO.

 

Contact a lawyer and protect youself.

[robf1971]

I think I have to agree with the idea that she come home to her stuff boxed up, sitting in the driveway with the printouts of her messages sitting on top. IIWU, thats exactly what I would do.

 

Cheating after only 4 months of marriage, she's gotta go IMO.

 

Contact a lawyer and protect youself.

 

Precisely....

 

Please do this

[John Michael Kane]

Sorry you are going through this. Luckily you found out early in the marriage before you had children or anything. While she is gone just pack her stuff, call her and let her know, and then ask where you should move her stuff

 

 

She isn't worth it. She is pure trash man

 

Yes indeed.