redtail Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Denver: Your depression will start lifting just as soon as you hire a lawyer and file for divorce from this succubus. Denver, this is a strong dose of reality, but it's so true. It wasn't until I hired my lawyer that I started feel my self esteem come back and my resolve to make things better. Trust us... Link to post Share on other sites
Author DepressedinDenver Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 Well I do not want to get to much into it right now but I did pack her bags and print out some of the messages from face book last night. She got home about 2 hours ago and I saw reality hit her face as soon as she walked in. She started to try and explain pretty quickly when I showed her the printed out papers. Tears were flowing and she was apologizing and saying cliche **** like I don't know what happened and I don't know what came over me. blah blah blah. I told her Divorce was really my only option. She begged me to reconsider and that she needs help. I agreed that she needs help but also needs to leave and come back for her other things some other time. I don't know how deep her connection with the other guy in. It seems and she said it was just physical so I doubt she will be staying with him. Her sister moved like I said so her only family in town is her aunt and uncle. I guess she will be going there. She left but has been blowing up my phone for the past hour. I have not answered. I must say my confidence is totally gone right now though and I hope I will regain it like you all say. I will be contacting my lawyer here in awhile. Thank you all for listening to my horror. Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureinSeattle Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Sounds like you handled it as well as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Well I do not want to get to much into it right now but I did pack her bags and print out some of the messages from face book last night. She got home about 2 hours ago and I saw reality hit her face as soon as she walked in. She started to try and explain pretty quickly when I showed her the printed out papers. Tears were flowing and she was apologizing and saying cliche **** like I don't know what happened and I don't know what came over me. blah blah blah. I told her Divorce was really my only option. She begged me to reconsider and that she needs help. I agreed that she needs help but also needs to leave and come back for her other things some other time. I don't know how deep her connection with the other guy in. It seems and she said it was just physical so I doubt she will be staying with him. Her sister moved like I said so her only family in town is her aunt and uncle. I guess she will be going there. She left but has been blowing up my phone for the past hour. I have not answered. I must say my confidence is totally gone right now though and I hope I will regain it like you all say. I will be contacting my lawyer here in awhile. Thank you all for listening to my horror. You are a strong and brave individual!! I cannot tell you how much I respect what you just accomplished. I know it doesn't make you feel better. But the amount of respect she now has for you is far greater then any of us posters can. You did the right thing! Stay strong. Stay brave. Keep using this forum to vent. Don't be in such a rush to file for divorce though. You're going to have a lot on your plate right now. It's a good idea to get your ducks in a row, but you are going to go through a lot. Maybe she does need help and maybe she'll get it. Just stay away from her, but watch what she does over the next 30 days. Link to post Share on other sites
Hanther Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Wow. You have done everything right so far. Please keep it up!! Get a good lawyer. Don't let her take anything from you. Also, I would send what you found to this guy's girlfriend. She is obviously considering reconciling with her scum boyfriend (hence the "it's complicated" status on facebook). She did you a HUGE favor, so repay it back and show her that it was NOT just making out, it was much more. You are incredibly strong. Please realize that most people who come here do not have ANYWHERE near the strength that you have shown in your actions. You are extremely rare in that you stood up to your wife immediately. Please don't let your confidence get shot by this woman. She would have done this to anyone she married. It really has nothing to do with you. I highly doubt she's been faking orgasms for years. She probably told her ex that just to play into the fantasy and boost his confidence. You can't believe anything she says - whether she said it to you or to him. You are a great man and none of her lies can change that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Well I do not want to get to much into it right now but I did pack her bags and print out some of the messages from face book last night. She got home about 2 hours ago and I saw reality hit her face as soon as she walked in. She started to try and explain pretty quickly when I showed her the printed out papers. Tears were flowing and she was apologizing and saying cliche **** like I don't know what happened and I don't know what came over me. blah blah blah. I told her Divorce was really my only option. She begged me to reconsider and that she needs help. I agreed that she needs help but also needs to leave and come back for her other things some other time. I don't know how deep her connection with the other guy in. It seems and she said it was just physical so I doubt she will be staying with him. Her sister moved like I said so her only family in town is her aunt and uncle. I guess she will be going there. She left but has been blowing up my phone for the past hour. I have not answered. I must say my confidence is totally gone right now though and I hope I will regain it like you all say. I will be contacting my lawyer here in awhile. Thank you all for listening to my horror. Do nothing. Look after yourself in the upcoming days. And trust me, she WILL find somewhere to stay, whether it be her aunt/uncle or a friend, or the OM. Or even a hotel! You WILL regain your confidence as time goes on, but you'll probably need to go talk to someone to help you cope and deal with this so you can work through the pain. Take care of yourself. Talk to your trusted friends and family, don't isolate yourself either. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 You've received some excellent advice here, DID. And it sounds like you're taking proactive steps to deal with things. I'm going to be very blunt here. You should divorce her. The reality is, your marriage was basically stillborn. It never really had a chance. It was crippled, almost from day one, by her betrayal. That's a pretty horrific thing to move on from, and a *****ty foundation on which to try to build a happy union with somebody. The woman you thought you were married to was an illusion. That's a bloody difficult fact to accept, and accepting it will take some time. But let it into your head, and try to accept it. It's very difficult to see a silver lining at a time like this. And, for all practical purposes, right now there isn't one. You won't appreciate the following for awhile, until this is all mercifully in the past, but here it is: 1. You're young. Most people don't even get married nowadays until they're in their 30s. You have your whole life in front of you. This isn't a case of having spent decades building a life with somebody only to discover that they've defrauded you. You have lots of time to start over. 2. Most women aren't like her. You simply drew a crappy card. So did I, except I didn't find it out until we'd been married for seven years. That was the most devastating experience of my life and getting over it took time. But now, almost 8 years after we split, my life is way better than it was before I found out. 3. You don't have children or, I'm guessing, much in the way of shared assets with her. That means that you can split from her completely, and never have to see her again if you don't want to. There won't be any commitments tying you to her. I totally agree with WWIU -- talk to your friends and family about this. Tell them as much as you want to. Mine were a priceless asset when I went through this, and they made it far easier to cope with. You may want to consider talking to a counsellor, at least to deal with the immediate, devastating stuff. Hang in there mang. You WILL get through this. It will take time, but it will get better. You'll discover, in time, that you're stronger than you ever believed you were. I wish you the very best. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Well I do not want to get to much into it right now but I did pack her bags and print out some of the messages from face book last night. She got home about 2 hours ago and I saw reality hit her face as soon as she walked in. She started to try and explain pretty quickly when I showed her the printed out papers. Tears were flowing and she was apologizing and saying cliche **** like I don't know what happened and I don't know what came over me. blah blah blah. I told her Divorce was really my only option. She begged me to reconsider and that she needs help. I agreed that she needs help but also needs to leave and come back for her other things some other time. I don't know how deep her connection with the other guy in. It seems and she said it was just physical so I doubt she will be staying with him. Her sister moved like I said so her only family in town is her aunt and uncle. I guess she will be going there. She left but has been blowing up my phone for the past hour. I have not answered. I must say my confidence is totally gone right now though and I hope I will regain it like you all say. I will be contacting my lawyer here in awhile. Thank you all for listening to my horror. I know you are feeling low right now but you deserve a high five for having the balls to kick her to the curb. This is what all men in your situation should do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DepressedinDenver Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 Thank all of you for the kind words and all the advice. It really gives me hope. I am trying to stay strong. I do love her so she is tugging at my heart strings with some messages she has been leaving on my phone. I am going to keep ignoring her for now. I did talk to my friend about this just now. He wants to come over tomorrow or Sunday so that will be good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DepressedinDenver Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 Also, I would send what you found to this guy's girlfriend. She is obviously considering reconciling with her scum boyfriend (hence the "it's complicated" status on facebook). She did you a HUGE favor, so repay it back and show her that it was NOT just making out, it was much more. Yes thank you for this suggestion. I am going to send her a message on facebook and tell her all of this and that I have proof if she needs it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Thank all of you for the kind words and all the advice. It really gives me hope. I am trying to stay strong. I do love her so she is tugging at my heart strings with some messages she has been leaving on my phone. I am going to keep ignoring her for now. I did talk to my friend about this just now. He wants to come over tomorrow or Sunday so that will be good. Of course you love her! That isn't going to go away, she's in your heart. She's your wife, the woman you planned on spending the rest of your life with. It's a huge loss..And, you need to grieve that loss. She will do and say anything right now to get to you to 'forgive her and take her back.' Sadly, she will lie, not malciously, but selfishly to not lose you. She'll tell you the A is over, that she will never see or speak to the OM again. Yet, she will... That is a fact. Most CS (cheating spouses) go on the down low for a while, throw their AP (affair partner) under the bus to save their own asses. They change and rewrite history to make themselves look more innocent in the BS's eyes, yet at the same time will rewrite the marriage, and make it seem like the betrayed spouse is evil and the marriage was awful.. It just goes with the territory of affairs and manipulating to get what they want. She's emotional, upset and reacting..So do NOT let her manipulate you into changing your mind. Right now (until you feel stronger and are ready to talk to her) just do your absolute best to ignore her and focus on today. Don't worry about tomorrow. One day at a time.. Glad that a buddy is coming over to hang out and spend time with you, to talk and listen. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Yes thank you for this suggestion. I am going to send her a message on facebook and tell her all of this and that I have proof if she needs it. Great idea. You and her should also get together and talk. Have a coffee and compare notes. Link to post Share on other sites
FryFish Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 updates man... its very rare that a betrayed husband is man enough to do the right thing but you have been so far! Link to post Share on other sites
Author DepressedinDenver Posted May 21, 2011 Author Share Posted May 21, 2011 Idk how man enough I can keep being. I found a letter in the mail about an hour ago. She must have put it there herself because it was not mailed. Only my name was on the envelope. I have not read the letter. I am trying my best to not do so yet. I am glad she stopped calling last night and has not called since. I messaged the OMs girlfriend on facebook last night and told her about everything. I have not heard back from her. I am just looking forward to having some beers with my buddy tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Wow. Total respect to you. If only more guys had the guts to handle this like you Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 If you go to a bar, be sure to flirt with some honeys. It will get your spirits up. I am sure you will be a very marketable commodity on the dating market. Edit: Also, regardless what the letter from your wife says--and I'm sure it's some crazy stuff, either extremely venomous, or extremely groveling, or some peculiar combination of conflicting emotions--you want to seriously consider scanning it or digitally photographing it, and posting the image of it on Facebook. That will be the ultimate humiliation for your wife and will put a nice exclamation point on the end of your marriage and the start of your brand-new, and happy, life without her. That's just wrong. No need to stoop to that level. Not everybody is out for malcious revenge! Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Man, I am so sorry for what she did to you. And make sure you understand this - SHE did this TO YOU. it wasn't an accident, it wasn't a whops. She intentionally and with no regard for you or her marriage, decided to have an affair. I don't buy her crap that it was just sex. Baloney. She is saying that - that is what busted cheaters most of the time say. It is as IF it is okay that she just had sex with him. She went so far as to tell him things about YOU and YOUR sexual relationship with her. She betrayed you in every way possible. I know you are hurting; but I am begging you to NOT read the letter. Do NOT let her worm her way back into your heart. Please go get tested for STD's. And HIV. I hope to God you have not contracted anything. She is a selfish, immature, irresponsible human. she is not a good person. She is not worthy of a loving husband. She cannot be trusted. Definitely separate. Do not let her back into your home. Saying she is sorry is not going to fix what she did to you. Please stay strong. Lean on family and friends. Let them know what she has done. Bring the affair to the light of day. Your friends and family will be there for you; to support you and for you to lean on, especially when you are feeling weak in regards to her. I wish you peace and happiness. In a couple years, when you are with a real woman who honors you and treats you with the dignity and respect you deserve, she will be nothing but a person in your past. You deserve way more than she ever gave you. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
bigmomma1974 Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Way to go, i know kicking her to the curb was hard but its what you needed to do. the letter she left you rip it up and throw it in the trash, delete all textes before reading them and delete any voicemails she may have left before you listen to them. I Know what your going through is hard I have been there. It takes time for you to get over r.the pain but stay strong and rmeember it wasnt you it was her, she is a dirty dog and she doesnt deserve your love or forgiveness. Maybe in time you can forgive her but that may take years. Take care of you and if you start to feel depressed and miserable call a buddy and go out for a few drinks or to dinner. Gl and keep venting and talking here alot of good people here with alot of good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
jsb58 Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 I hope you shredded the letter. Forget about the 4 months into the M. She's probably been doing this well before the nuptials. Not hurting you, just something to think of if you think you love her again. Your M has been a lie. Time to start anew brother. You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
lordWilhelm Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Yeah man, wanted to add another message of support over the way you handled this whole thing so far. Stay the course, because the way she treated you, she doesn't deserve you. Good to hear you're hanging out with your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Entropy3000 Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Stay strong. You are doing all the right things. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 Is anyone else dying to know what happened here? Link to post Share on other sites
Afishwithabike Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I'm sorry this happened to you. You deserve better from a spouse. I'm amazed by your strength. You've handled this so much better than many people older than you. She sound incredibly immature and trashy. Some 22 year olds might be ready for marriage, but she's clearly unable to be monogamous. Stay strong. Don't read the letter. Someone who truly loves you would not do what she did or say what she did. She minimized you and devalued you. Why would you want someone like that back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DepressedinDenver Posted May 25, 2011 Author Share Posted May 25, 2011 Quick update folks. Thank you for all the concern. I did read the letter, probably stupidly as it was about of apologizing and wanting to make things right on her end. Half of me wants to try but the other half knows its now a lost cause. It really it. I do plan on going forward with a divorce. There was some other drama but I wont get into to it right now. Once again thank you for the concern and support. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Quick update folks. Thank you for all the concern. I did read the letter, probably stupidly as it was about of apologizing and wanting to make things right on her end. Half of me wants to try but the other half knows its now a lost cause. It really it. I do plan on going forward with a divorce. There was some other drama but I wont get into to it right now. Once again thank you for the concern and support. Keep posting man, this sh*t hurts... Fistpump Link to post Share on other sites
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