Is this married man coming on to me?

[justss]

This Friend of ours just wont stop staring? :eek:I don't have much experience with men, I didn't date much and really am pretty sheltered, we don't watch TV or movies and do not listen to the radio. The crux of my problem is this couple that we are friends with. I say friends but we are closer than that more like family. We have known them for 4 years and since the beginning the Husband has liked to tease me and do things to get me riled up. He enjoys flustering me and scaring me, things of that nature. Once he made a crack that he was twice the man my h was and I would never know it, but I just giggled and said oh well. Now looking back I think he was trying to push something as long ago as a year. I thought it was just playful but lately I'm not so sure. I have noticed that along with teasing me and doing other things to get a rise out of me he is staring at me very intensely. I really don't know what to think about this. I have noticed him watching me before but always just tried to write it off as my imagination. I see him looking in church but just figured it was chance we were looking in the same direction. Sunday evening we had them over for dinner and he wouldn't stop staring at me. It really made me uncomfortable to the point where I couldn't eat in front of him. If I would make eye contact with him he would just keep staring at me till I looked away. When I looked up again he would still be looking at me. It was the kind of look that made me blush. I know I can be pretty Naive but I am getting a strange feeling in my gut. Then tonight at a church function he all but ignored me. He talked with my husband but almost went out of his way to NOT look at me. This is odd, our families are very close and for us not to talk to each other is weird. Later as I was passing through the nursery and he walked by and asked me how I was, I said wonderful, he said, "Wonderful ? How good for you." He almost acted like he was angry at me. We are part of the same conservative Christian church and share a good relationship as families. If we were in grade school I would think he had a crush on me but we are both over 40. I would like someone else's take on this. Maybe I should say something to his wife or my husband, but I don't want to cause a problem where there isn't any. I can't deny that I find him attractive, maybe I'm sending a hidden sign.

[PegNosePete]

He sounds like a weirdo. Does he tease etc in front of his wife or only when you're alone?

 

Regarding the sudden change, maybe his wife noticed his staring and had a go at him?

[oldguy]

I agree, this guy sounds like a weirdo and certainly NOT a friend.

Making a comment like; "I'm twice the man your husband is", is not "playful", 7 is NOT the type of thing a "friend" would say to someone else's wife WTH?

 

I would strongly suggest you discuss your concerns with your husband & I would strongly suggest you do not allow yourself to EVER be in a situation where your alone with this man.

[oldguy]

I agree, this guy sounds like a weirdo and certainly NOT a friend.

Making a comment like; "I'm twice the man your husband is", is not "playful", & is NOT the type of thing a "friend" would say to someone else's wife WTH?

 

I would strongly suggest you discuss your concerns with your husband & I would strongly suggest you do not allow yourself to EVER be in a situation where your alone with this man.

[JohnnyCage]

And please use paragraphs next time.

 

I would advise you to stay away from him and never get in a situation where you are alone with him. You don't want things to go bad with your husband if you love him.

[2sure]

Since you are unsure what is going on with him, why not just speak to him directly yourself instead of through your husband and his wife? Next time he stares at you in a creepy way tell him to stop because you find it creepy and uncomfortable.

[theobserver]

2sure's reply sums it up. I would say you should opt for your husband to question him. Tell your husband how uncomfortable you feel, how you have noticed him always looking at you for long periods of time you've tried to write it off as in your mind but it's too strange. Insist your husband maybe bring up the topic the next time this happens. EXAMPLE.

 

You have a double dinner date again and he states. You signal your husband he's doing it. At the end of the evening in private or the next day your husband can question him on the staring since now he's had the chance to observe it. The reason I say this is because this feels one sided, perhaps he is just an off fellow who gets dazed easily.

 

PERSONALLY I think this guy is into you, but had poor poor boundary issues and lacks self control at least in the area of observation. Many men can be finding someone else deeply attractive even if they have a partner but they shouldn't go about gawking I'm surprised his wife hasn't picked up on this ? How do they not notice wouldn't it be obvious?

 

For now this is a tiny matter so lets not blow it out of proportions just get to the truth and if he does have a thing for you I would personally think you and your husband should cut the time spent together with this couple for his and your own good.

[justss]

I have just such a hard time thinking he is into me. Is that typical behavior of someone whose attracted to someone else? Staring and teasing? Look I said I was Naive and I really mean it. This guy grew up Amish and we are Mennonite. We only just got computers not that long ago. I just know he looked like he was gonna jump on me that night.

 

He is like a brother/uncle to our family. But in retrospect I do think he likes to be the kind of guy people fall on in hard times. He has always been there for our family. Once when my DH was having a hard time with church decisions, we felt like he might just give up and leave. Not that he wanted to leave me but he just wanted to walk away from everything. This man counseled me through many of those times, giving me insight and the assurance that he would take care of me if he did leave. If he is feeling the way some of you think that statement should really bother me.......

 

I don't know why other folks don't notice, that’s a good question. I wonder if I should ask someone else if they think he stares a lot? This kind of thing is not talked about in our circles. I have only heard of rare cases and it is usually at a church miles away.

 

And then there is logistics, he is 6'4 and his wife if 4'9 so many times she is just not in the right line of sight. At dinner his wife was sitting next to my DH and talking while the "ultimate stare down" was happening. I do wonder if my husband has seen it and just not made much about it. He would probably never suspect this friend of having ulterior motives.

 

My head keeps trying to tell me I'm wrong but that queasy feeling keeps coming back when I think about that night. Maybe I should give it one more chance. Maybe his wife did say something and that’s why he seemed angry at me the other night. He seemed really put out I had such a good day. Almost like he wanted me to be miserable. Maybe his wife did say something. Maybe she noticed I was uncomfortable. I know he sure did and that only made him crack a sly smile.

 

Well, I just spent the entire day with his wife and children, they came to our place to help butcher and plant garden. My stomach is a mess today, it’s hard being a sister to her and auntie to their children and have this turmoil going on. I will keep the advice shared here in mind and try to not be alone with him.

 

I am not telling my DH. He has so much stress going on right now I think this could send him over the edge. But I really don't want to think he would do anything if we did end up alone.

 

Aren’t most men afraid to approach a married woman like that? He wouldn’t hurt me I don’t think. I am trying to talk myself out of being afraid of him.

[jnj express]

You need to deal with this one way or the other---You need to tell your H---he is an adult, he won't fall into little pieces, if you give him a problem to deal with

 

When you tell him---do not be wishy-washy---tell him this guy is being inapropriate, bothering you, and causing you anxiety, and you and it stopped

 

You do not seem to want to deal with him yourself---so your H., is spose to have your back, so make sure you speak to him forcefully enuff, so that he knows there is a problem that needs to be dealt with

[sanskrit]

How is your husband not noticing this?

[PegNosePete]

How is your husband not noticing this?

I would bet that he has, and it's probably a major contributing factor to his "stress".

 

OP, if you can't communicate with your husband about this then you need to go to MC. A marriage without communication is a divorce waiting to happen.

[OldOnTheInside]

As everybody has already said, distance yourself from this guy, and talk to your husband.

 

Is there any logical reason why you haven't already spoken with your husband?

[DunkinSheek]

Recommend talking to the dude first. He could just be an idiot. Probably not, but give him the benefit of the doubt (i.e., he's just an idiot, and not coming on to his friend's wife).

 

After that, if he continues...game on. Tell hubby and let hubby deal. I would not want my wife feeling so uncomfortable about another man that she is seeking advice from a forum of strangers, vice giving me the opportunity to fix the problem.

[fascinated]

It sounds to me like he has poor social skills. Perhaps he thinks he's protecting you by watching. He may have inappropriate feelings for you and his way of preventing acting on it is by avoiding you and being gruff.

[ladyinlimbo]

If this guy is THIS BOLD as to gawk at you like he reportedly does, in the presence of his wife and YOUR husband, then I was (like others have) caution you about not ever being alone in his presence. What he's doing is inappropriate and surely he's more than aware that it makes you uncomfortable. The comment he'd made about being twice the man as your husband (or something to the effect), that is rude and inappropriate.

 

I don't think you're as naive as you think you are. I think you're rather sharp and intuitive and this is making you feel uncomfortable because it should.

[Frank13]

I have just such a hard time thinking he is into me.

 

This man counseled me through many of those times, giving me insight and the assurance that he would take care of me if he did leave.

 

My head keeps trying to tell me I'm wrong but that queasy feeling keeps coming back when I think about that night. Maybe I should give it one more chance.

 

I will keep the advice shared here in mind and try to not be alone with him.

 

I am not telling my DH. He has so much stress going on right now I think this could send him over the edge.

 

Aren’t most men afraid to approach a married woman like that? He wouldn’t hurt me I don’t think. I am trying to talk myself out of being afraid of him.

 

Translation - I know he has the hots for me. I find him attractive (you said that) and I would like to have sex with him. I just want confirmation from you all that he wants me before I throw myself at him.

 

People advised you not to be alone with him. You said you would "try" not to, instead of making sure you aren't.

 

People advised you to tell your husband. You said you won't using the excuse that he is under stress.

 

He is being creepy and you are convincing yourself that he won't hurt you and are trying to talk yourself out of being afraid of him.

 

Keep talking yourself out of this so when you end up having sex with him you can continue to deny anything is out of the ordinary.

 

You are not naive. You know exactly what is going on.

[justss]

[FONT=Arial][FONT=Arial]Sorry I did not post this update sooner I am not on the computer very often and really don't have much time to write when I am. [/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]Well, I took to heart the things posted here. Most of this was written before I read the last two and I really don't know what to say of them......When I say I really do want to give this person the benefit of the doubt I mean it. We are a close knit community. We do not associate with other groups, we do not go to other functions than church functions, while this may not be typical I can offer no other explanation for our lives. Maybe you will understand maybe you will not. To confront him would mean a lot in our circles (and one of the families would more than likely be asked to move). And when I say I have a hard time thinking he is attracted to me in that way I mean it.. we wear cape dresses almost ankle length, black hose and white coverings on our heads with my hair pulled under. No man but my DH sees my hair, I am careful to show attention to my appearance, if it were a problem with lust it would also have to be in his head.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial] Perhaps there is some truth in what is said here that there underlies an attraction but if it is in me then God help me I will not give in to it. My DH has had so many things hit him in the last few years; our middle son who is 13 had emergency surgery for appendicitis, and then a surgery to repair his slip femoral disk....almost hip replacement but not quite, daughter that left the church and married while pregnant. A son who is struggling with his faith and sexual orientation, my mother died last summer and my father lost his home to repo, my father and my mothers retarded sister has moved in with us, causing a financial burden, our business is in the first year and since we do not believe in borrowing money except from church brethren we are under much financial stress. Maybe these thing would be dealt with in your lives differently, but we are trying to be patient and wait on God for clear direction on many of them. [/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]But even after all of the things I mention here, I did talk to my husband. He has noticed something was making me uncomfortable. But like me he rally didn't suspect this man of anything other than playful behavior. This man has a job that takes him from the community on a regular basis and puts him in places like truck stops frequently. Perhaps some of this is learned there. I doubt it was part of his home life. My DH would like to talk to him privately before he goes to the ministry. My DH has so many issues with our business right now. II do tell him things that concern or bother me in the past, he is very understanding and protective of my feelings but we haven't had a situation like this one before. We have been married 27years now and do not have trouble with communication. Here is the gist of what finally prompted me to tell him my concern.[/FONT]

 

[FONT=Arial]On Saturday we went to the end of the school year picnic, and he was staring again, but not the same way. Most of the time he would look away if I turned to look at him...but if no one was watching he would stare. He also got up to come and sit next to my DH and across from me. Not totally unexpected our families are close. His wife sat down at another table and he told her they should move over here to sit with us. Sort of made me feel weird. He found a reason to move my DH over so he would end up in front of me again. Then when we went to play base ball he followed. Again, in and of itself these are not too unthinkable, but with what has been going on it felt weird. I do think his wife noticed I was uncomfortable because she suggested we go for a walk, so we did and left the men far behind. I think this is enough to warrant concern now. I was really trying to give it a few more confirming incidents before I tell my DH I need him to say something. I am not going to be alone with him and still a little reluctant to confront this man about it. I also have decided that the next time I catch him staring I am going to ask if I have something on my face in a way loud enough for the others around to hear. Maybe if he is confronted like this it will shame him if his thought are not respectable. Or maybe it will make him angry. I suppose things could escalate if nothing is said. Your thoughts are helpful, at least most of them, please share if you think I am interpreting them wrong.[/FONT]

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[justss]

Well, You are right I do watch now. But up until a short time ago I never did really think it disturbing. I just sort of thought he was looking by chance. It was only after that night at dinner that it became a concern in my eyes.

 

Last night I did not watch him my DH did. And it was just what I had said before.....now that my DH knew to watch he saw exactly what I did....that coupled with the seven photos of me he took during this function is all it took.

 

My H went to him and had a long talk. Lets hope it takes effect. I really don't want to hurt his family but the photos were the last straw. In a room of 20 people, there were two photos of the birthday boy and seven of me. My H said he feels this man is struggling in his marriage and this person is a bit envious of our relationship. He says he teases me because he really likes me as a brother, but I don't think that's all. Photos are disturbing enough but for someone else to have them of me really made me uncomfortable. Guess I better be careful of whom I am friendly to in the future. I really didn't think it would developed into this. After all, it's not like I'm 20 and available. I would think he would have better things to think about than me. I still have a hard time understanding that.

 

Some of the sisters have shared the were envious of how I can talk with out becoming flustered when it's with men. Most of them do not talk with men and now I clearly see why.

[Frank13]

 

But like me he rally didn't suspect this man of anything other than playful behavior.

 

 

There is a saying "teasing done right is flirting". That is what this guy is doing. He should be playful with his wife and not you.

 

This man has a job that takes him from the community on a regular basis and puts him in places like truck stops frequently. Perhaps some of this is learned there.

 

Prostitutes hang out at truck stops. They know truck drivers are on the road a lot and have needs so that is why prostitutes hang out there. Maybe that is the same reason this guy is at these truck stops. If he is cheating on his wife with prostitutes, he certainly isn't going to let the fact that you are married stop him from pursuing you.

[Frank13]

Well, You are right I do watch now. But up until a short time ago I never did really think it disturbing. I just sort of thought he was looking by chance. It was only after that night at dinner that it became a concern in my eyes.

 

Last night I did not watch him my DH did. And it was just what I had said before.....now that my DH knew to watch he saw exactly what I did....that coupled with the seven photos of me he took during this function is all it took.

 

My H went to him and had a long talk. Lets hope it takes effect. I really don't want to hurt his family but the photos were the last straw. In a room of 20 people, there were two photos of the birthday boy and seven of me. My H said he feels this man is struggling in his marriage and this person is a bit envious of our relationship. He says he teases me because he really likes me as a brother, but I don't think that's all. Photos are disturbing enough but for someone else to have them of me really made me uncomfortable. Guess I better be careful of whom I am friendly to in the future. I really didn't think it would developed into this. After all, it's not like I'm 20 and available. I would think he would have better things to think about than me. I still have a hard time understanding that.

 

Some of the sisters have shared the were envious of how I can talk with out becoming flustered when it's with men. Most of them do not talk with men and now I clearly see why.

 

Your whole story had red flags all over it from the start. Multiple people tried to warn you. Now he is taking pictures of you. Now he can stare at your picture when you aren't around which will just increase his desire and obsession for you. This is what happens when you don't nip things like this in the bud.

 

One more thing, your husband's head is buried in the sand. If he thinks this guy is being playful because he likes you as a brother, he is much more naive than you. Especially when your husband says this guy is "struggling in his marriage". Ask him if he would let this guy sleep (not sex) in the same bed as you alone because nothing would happen if he only likes you like a brother. Aren't there actual brothers (men) around that he can be playful with? Gas plus a spark equals fire. The gas and the spark are there but your husband refuses to see the fire.

 

Oh, you say you aren't 20. Is this guy 20? Most guys a lot older than 20 aren't going to go after 20 year olds. They are going to go after someone closer to their own age, like you.

 

You don't realize how out of control this situation can get.

[justss]

Your whole story had red flags all over it from the start. Multiple people tried to warn you. Now he is taking pictures of you. Now he can stare at your picture when you aren't around which will just increase his desire and obsession for you. This is what happens when you don't nip things like this in the bud.

 

One more thing, your husband's head is buried in the sand. If he thinks this guy is being playful because he likes you as a brother, he is much more naive than you. Especially when your husband says this guy is "struggling in his marriage". Ask him if he would let this guy sleep (not sex) in the same bed as you alone because nothing would happen if he only likes you like a brother. Aren't there actual brothers (men) around that he can be playful with? Gas plus a spark equals fire. The gas and the spark are there but your husband refuses to see the fire.

 

Oh, you say you aren't 20. Is this guy 20? Most guys a lot older than 20 aren't going to go after 20 year olds. They are going to go after someone closer to their own age, like you.

 

You don't realize how out of control this situation can get.

 

I am really trying to understand you take on this but it sounds very unreal to me.

 

How do you stop someone form taking photos of you in a room crowed with people? I didn't even know it until it was done?!? What do photos have to do with obsession? I'm sorry Frank 13 I appreciate how you say this could become dangerous but I am doing what my H said to do. I will still have to see this family at times. Maybe we are Naive but not intentionally so. This man seems to be the likes of which I have not encountered in my history. One would almost get the impression you feel my H is handing me up on a platter. He is not, but he still wants to be gracious.

 

I think the other statement is beyond my ability to understand. No my H would not want me to sleep next to this man, for any reason. But he still is feeling like he needs to be cautious with how he deals with him. We are part of the same brotherhood.

 

And you are right I should never be alone with him but I will not say it will never happen. In as much as it lies with in my power I will not. When things are beyond my control such as him following me into the kitchen or nursery at church, I cannot claim responsibility. For now I will just not leave a group of women to do anything alone when he is around. Or I will stay by my DH when I am able to. I am doing my best to not look at his eyes anymore, and hope someone else will say something if he is staring.

 

I wish I could honestly say I never have or never will find him attractive, because you are right I do and I did say that. People who make me laugh and tease are usually those who find a spot in my heart, it is how my DH got to me finally. But until the recent happenings I felt very comfortable being friendly and playful back, never did I imagine that would lead to this. I have a husband. I do not want to cause a problem with this man's family but I do want to guard my marriage.

 

Again, I appreciate your input and apologies if I seem ignorant. I had a friend from the community trying to help my understand what you all say on these posting but she is not able to come and help me with what I want to say today. She too thinks I do not fully understand the danger.

[OldOnTheInside]

What do photos have to do with obsession?

 

What do you think this guy will be doing while he is looking at these photos?

[Dust]

what does DH stand for? H is Husband but the D?

 

I really wouldn’t let some mans infatuation with you bring stress to your life. You should have told your husband right away. He isn’t some infant who can’t handle things. I’m glad you finally told him and you really should stay away from this family if this man says and does things like he does. Seriously I’d be pissed if some guy told my wife he was more of a man in bed. I really don’t understand how that didn’t offend you.

[justss]

What do you think this guy will be doing while he is looking at these photos?

 

 

What do you mean?

[justss]

what does DH stand for? H is Husband but the D?

my Girlfriend told me it means dear husband