Ever think you were OVER the ex, only to find out you kinda aren't?!! Comments pls!

[freebird]

First of all, how nice to find a forum such as this. I looked up advise columns on the internet and this one kept popping up, so I guess it's fate that I post this and join the rest of you on these message boards - which, I have found helpful. I'm also surprised to see alot of care, love and concern for people we do not even know - it's comforting!

 

Here is my situation and any input would be appreciated!! I was in a relationship that ended about a year ago. I knew he was never " the one", but I enjoyed his company, sort of. I live in an area where dating prospects are sort of limited, so I stuck it out with this guy. Needless to say, he was never my type, boring but safe, a computer geek and really into himself. Selfish, immature, but had this sweet side to him. I found myself increasingly unhappy over time but stupidly, continued to stay with him since I did not want to be alone - BIG MISTAKE! As time went on, I found myself bored, sad, unhappy and feeling quite unworthy, unattractive and unappreciated. Our relationship felt strained, he was moody, NEVER could say he loved me since he had never been in love with any woman before - and while he liked me alot, he just didn't love me. I loved him, but was NOT "in love" with him. I also wanted to break up with him since I truly felt since he was so closed off, did not like music and books or anything except computers and ebay - he just went again everything in my being. He was not even attractive or good in bed - but, he was safe and he had his sweet moments - yet he could be so cold. He never cheated on me, liked having me around, but that was about it.

 

Shortly after, we were having dinner and I mentioned to him I was not happy. No respone, but I take it - he must have took a mental note. Oddly enough, we made plans to go away together with him offering to pick up the tab. That was on a Friday, the next day - he broke up with me. I was both, RELIEVED and sad. He said it'd be better this way, and I know to this day he is RIGHT. Neither one of us has ever made the attempt to contact the other - it just ended - clean, short and sweet so to speak.

 

Months later, I found out he had sold all the gifts I gave him at ebay (that hurt alot), posted his picture on an Internet dating site and god only knows if he was lucky. I keep thinking, geez, the woman who puts up with his crap - I feel sorry for her.

 

WHY THEN, even though I know I could never have been happy with him, am I bothered, a year later to find out he may have a new girlfriend or does? He's not even attractive or exciting - why do I even care? My life has become infinitely better without him and I'm HAPPY and feel attractive again. I'm not dating since I do not have the interest - should I just get over myself and be happy for him?

 

What do you all think? I know it's better to choose forgiveness, release these troubled people (as I knew he was) then have anger or hate. I just feel surprised I'm even caring enough to write this here!! Please advise! What should I do if I run into him? I haven't for a year now - we run in different circles - always have always will.

 

Take care you alll...hang in there and I wish you all love and peace.

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

You said it yourself, you love him, but are not in love with him. It is hard to go through life with someone for such a long time, and not like them as a person assuming everything ends on such a positive note.

 

I don't think it is unhealthy to think about him, as I have thought about Ex's I have, with no feelings attached. I think they are just fond memories you have of someone, and just kind of wondering how they're doing, how life is going, etc.

 

Over time, you'll still regard him as a friend, but whenever someone else enters the picture (a new man) you will quickly put old loves to rest in your mind, for a while

 

No real advice on this one, as you said you don't really run into each other-- but if you would ever, by some chance, be friendly It seems as if you ended on a positive note, and although he did something bad (sold gifts on ebay), try not to dwell on it. A simply hello with a smile would suffice, and just catch up on life (assuming you're into that stuff )

 

~David

[chrissy4534624]

it's hard when you love someone and they don't show u the same back that you put into the relationship

 

it's especially harder when you keep running back to that person because you're lonely...it happens but the more it happens the more down you'll get about it

 

i'm in the same situation kinda, still love the x-fiance and want to keep running back into his arms...even though i knew he was never "the one"...i screwed it up with "the one" way back but can't take back the past unfortunately....i keep running back to this guy because he's comfortable...i fell for him because i thought he was really deep, intelligent, and different but i was really wrong because he's really not even there upstairs....it's even harder because as much as he hurts me i just wanna keep running back, especially since we broke up and he now lives down the street from me and COUGH im pregnant with his kid....which makes it even worse....every night i sit at home crying because i think i miss him but i'm just lonely so that's what i keep reminding myself. everytime i run back i just regret it and feel even more hurt by him so i'm just trying to be strong. i'm moving in 2 weeks which will make it a lot easier not having to drive past him on the way to work and not knowing that i can just drive up the road in the middle of the night to go crying back to the jerk....

 

trying to build a friendship with a past love is even harder because it will always be there....if you wanted to contact him it could only bring you down again...you said you feel attractive and happy again and you enjoy being single so i wouldn't mess with that.....that's the point i'm hoping to get to again...being a mom and finding happiness with myself again after this guy drug me down into the dirt over and over again. it's ok to think about the stuff but try not to harp on it because it will only be a negative influence in your life. keep going on like you have been and when he pops back up in your head just laugh at the poor fool who is putting up with his bull**** now. goodluck!

[freebird]

David,

 

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, all things considered, it did end on a positive note, but then again, there was never any REAL emotion shared between the two of us -it was like dating a robot. He did hurt me thru out the relationship at times, but then again I realized I was dealing with a man who was emotionally stunted - NEVER a good thing. However, I think if I ever ran into him, I would wish him the best and be happy for him. I know he needs love ALOT more than me, and I hope he finds it one day without hurting the next woman and the next...he is a man who can't love and that, is unfortunate - but such is life.

 

Chrissy!

 

I just know you will get to the point I am at. It took awhile, a lot of contemplation - but I got there. Yes, it sucks, it's hard, it's lonely, BUT, to be honest - I was ALONE even when I Was WITH him - and that made it sadder still. It sounds as though you are feel alone even when you are with this guy and you should NEVER feel that way. You have life inside of now...you should try to be happy, think of good things - your baby - FORGET this man!! He is NOT worth it. I know it is easier said than done, but believe me, one day, you will find a man when you are ready - who will adore you AND your child. You know, it takes some people a looooooooonge time to realize just what they have lost...and by then - it's too late. Hang in there girlfriend!

 

Thanks both of you. Cheers!

[Arabess]

I think dating is a lot like shopping...the trick is in knowing what to keep in the basket to take home....and what to leave on the shelf.

 

It sounds like you BOTH were mature enough to realize that the time had come when the relationship no longer fulfulled what you needed and wanted. Sometimes it's a bitter sweet ending....but a healthy ending.

 

I wish you all the love and joy in your future. You are one of the FEW people who have left a relationship with an adult attitude. (Unlike myself and many other seasoned Shackers.....stick around...we could learn from you!!!!......LOL!)

[freebird]

Thanks Arabess!!

 

I guess I do have him to thank. He knew he was incapable of loving and I knew he wasn't the one. I must say I stayed with him a lot longer than I should have. Ugh! Sometimes, a person just isn't worth it. I think his selfish behavior taught me a lot - it taught me that I NEVER Wanted to date someone like that again. It opened my eyes to what I was doing to myself and that I was worth more than trying to appease someone. Thankfully, he cut me loose - I gave my ego up and LET him break-up with me. He left feeling like less of a loser (he's only had 3 gf's) and probably most of his self-esteem intact. I'm sure women hurt him in the past, he as really fat and he truly isn't that attractive, and I Think although he lost weight and was already average size when I met him, the cruelty from the past women/relationships may have already damaged him. Thus, I let him break it off with me - I didn' t want to hurt him - I chose to be the dumpee. I just figured he had the strength to cut me loose and I Was grateful - so why the heck not just take it on the chin, get out of the miserable relationship and walk away a bit scratched up, but knowing I will recover. It still stings when you get dumped, but I felt it was more important not to hurt him further and just get over it and find peace. Sometimes finding peace is better than huritng someone and being correct.

[Fedup&givingup]

Freebird,

 

A curiosity about an ex is completely normal, and in your case, it doesn't look as though it has stagnated you getting over him one bit.

 

The fact that he's registered on an online dating service has got your curiosity piqued because you wonder who he's moving on with. Although you have reasonably figured out why your relationship with him was not successful, it is still thought provocative. It's normal, and it shall pass.

 

I think you've got a great head on your shoulders, and you are not pining over what you know never was nor could be. You see the resolve in your own situation.

 

Welcome aboard, glad to have you!

[chrissy4534624]

FREE- that was really sweet thank you, you def deserve better then that guy but its great when a female can feel good without needing the man to do it. i'm on that whole "if you can't be happy with yourself you can't be happy with someone else" thing right now....i have to find the happiness in myself first and i'm not looking to run into a relationship. i ran to this guy because i got stationed at my first base and i was lonely and hurting real bad from a past relationship. you are right about never being happy with him, i never really felt happy and he was actually the first guy that i chased around so i made the mistake there since he never really wanted me that much to begin with. it had always been the other way around all the time where guys chased me, but this one has ruined my self esteem completely, hes actually embarassed of me and didn't want his friends to know he liked me. THAT was a big first for me because before i left for the military practically every guy in my town wanted to date me and i would be the one turning them down. i gained a bunch of weight when i first joined, so he was embarassed i was "fat" and his friends said something about my weight so since he cares so much about what people think of him, for the first few months he never wanted anyone to know we were together. even now after we got engaged he still listens to everything his friends tell him, which is just immaturity completely. anyway im babbling....but it was a big kick in my ass from going from a prize to a friggen potato. i never had a guy treat me like him, i think he lives in a world of porno vids where all the girls are beautiful blond and big boobed cuz i wasn't his type physically. my self esteem now is shot but i know once the babies born and i get back home i can start working on feeling better again, not being in a place that reminds me of the father and just enjoying life again. it's been a while for me, this past year has been really hard. i know in a few months i'll be in your spot though saying that i'm happy with my life again and don't need him. i'm glad u only get thoughts about your x but are smart enough to know hes not good for you because you are too nice to deal with a guy like him!

[freebird]

Chrissy,

 

Thanks for writing your little heart out girl!! Believe it or not, just writing on these message boards will help, it's helped me and this is my first day on here! Sometimes writing gets out the thoughts locked in your brain that are banging around only you can hear, then when you write them down and OTHER people respond, you truly aren't alone with those horrid thoughts anymore ya know what I mean?!

 

Let me tell you something about blonde girls - it may make you feel a bit better - I'm one of those cute blonde surfer girls, (no big boobs) but what a lot of men would like to date (no conceit here at all!!) and when I met the ex-boyfriend, I think he thought I was cute etc...but he STILL ENDED UP MAKING ME FEEL UNDESIRABLE!! Why? Cuz I let him! He was a guy I NEVER would have dated, he just wasn't my type, but I guess, because I Did not want to be alone, he seemed harmless at the time, I dated him. I also think, like you, because he really didn't seem to "Want me", I held on to him even more. All my friends, other men, best friend just did not see what I did in him, and in the end, THEY WERE RIGHT! The only reason I stuck it out with him was because he was like one of the first men who I really gave a lot of myself too - who really didn't seem to care whether I Stayed or went! It was totally humiliating. I cried myself to sleep while he snored right next to me. I allowed myself to be treated like crap and why I stayed in that miserable relationship - I don't know!!

 

Looking back, I CRINGE! He was really boring, no sense of style, just...the list could go on- and he looked like a crazed mountain man! Girl, none of know why we are attracted to these men!! I think it's a lesson god gives us, makes us look at OUR SELF WORTH and say, Whoa! You deserve better - and I do - and so do you!!

 

In time...you'll feel better, look better, think clearly and get over the butt head - and let me tell you - living well and looking fine is the BEST revenge if you must. I know I look tons better now than when I dated him - it's just when a woman is happy, truly happy, she just looks better. And about his fat comment his friends made - Screw him! My ex made comments about women getting fat and would tell me if I got fat we would not be dating! PULEEEEZE! He had a big ole' beer gut and a balding ass head and the NERVE to tell me I better stay in shape!

 

Sometimes, when they date a nice girl and that nice girl ALLOWS them to get away with treating us bad - they think they are gods to some extent and can talk to you and put you down etc...Well, I'm sure the next woman he dates ain't gonna take it!! I know I would not look at his old ass twice now!

 

Let me ask you something Crissy - if Money were no object for you and you could move anywhere you wanted, do anything - would this man still be someone you wanted in your life?!! I bet not! It gets better...I promise.

When you get back on your feet - the only time you'll think of your ex like I Did mine is when you reflect on yourself to go WHEW - glad I didn't marry him!! WRite me any time you like girl!

 

FEDup,

 

Thanks for the post - you are right!

 

Just need to say this to all who've been done wrong by a person you gave a lot of yourself too and STILL treated you bad...it's their loss. Truly - believe me, there will be nights when they lie there thinking...wow, I was a A******...she/he was awesome and I BLEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take care and I'm going to bed - night all! It's nice to see the love flowing on this website!! I'm donating some money to the WEB thru paypal - we all should!!