growinglotus Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 I have been with my husband since we were 15yrs old <now both 26> married 3 yrs in a few weeks, have 3 beautiful children the past 7 months have been "rocky" with a past affair coming to light and some questionable behavior on his part, but we talk very openly about our feelings and about 2 months ago he informed me that he was starting to have doubts about whether or not he wants to be with me. He says he has been with me so long and the fact that I'm the only woman he's ever had a relationship with as well as the fact that he hurt me so badly by having an affair is making him question what else is out there. He says he feels like he doesnt deserve me, he is curious about the world and people and wonders what he is missing out on. Many conversations have come and gone where we talk about what he should do and if he should leave what the consequences would be as well as the benefits, what he would be sacrificing by leaving, what he is sacrificing by staying (I'm telling you its almost sick how openly we can talk) He says at the end of the day he just couldnt see himself with anybody else, he would chose me over and again, he feels foolish for having these thoughts, doesnt want to hurt me and all that good stuff so he stays...but all these doubts questions and curiosities remain on his mind. So he has felt as though he has a decision to make whether to stay or leave and has been struggling with it (2 months!) Can you imagin what I have been going through walking around knowing that he has been struggling with this for 2 months...after 11 years! all we've been through! A few weeks ago he sat me down and told me he just isnt in love with me anymore, he loves me to death, but has lost "those feelings", hasnt felt them for about a year?? doesnt know how to get them back and has been hanging on in hopes that he will fall back in love with me as he so desperately wants to...but bottom line is time has not changed this and he honestly feels as though things between us are over, I asked if he wanted to go away w/o the kids to give it one last shot he said no things between us are done. Needless to say I was/am devasted. He doesnt really have anywhere he can go stay so I left the first night with my brokenheart. After a few hours the texts start rolling in_blaming me and resenting me for leaving and saying things like this is what you want and you misunderstood me, I do want to be with you but you are the one who doesnt want to work it out thats why you left. I tried to tell him he is probably just scared and hurt and feeling like "the bad guy" and is questioning if he is doing the right thing and told him its ok to feel this way and that we will both be ok in the end. He kept saying things to the affect of working it out so I came home and we tried to talk, once I was on the same page of working it out he flipped the script again. He says he doesnt know what he wants to do in terms of leaving me or staying with me. I tried to explain that he needs to decide, he cant keep me in limbo, he simply wont tell me which it is or what he is going to do. One day its I will not divorce you ever so dont even think about it, the next day its I dont think it will ever work again, then its fine you dont want to talk to me I knew you didnt wanna be with me. His feelings and actions are so inconsistant. he gets angry when I am accepting the fact that he is leaving me. He says mean things to push me away and when I am strong and hold myself together (on the outside) he says all the right things to make me weak and want him to stay and I tell him how much he means to me and how I wish he would stay...then we are good for a split second...and then the ugliness comes out again.Its been this vicious cycle for about 2 weeks. I have started sleeping in the house again but we are not talkin too much at all and I still have no clue where he stands or what his plans are. he just flat out refuses to discuss our relationship in any aspect. i am so emotionally drained and confused and lost and hurt, I try to leave but he just wont let me go....does anybody out there know how to help me or what im going through or maybe some insight about what he is going through? yes i know we both need professional help but we are broke and uninsured!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Conscience Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Im going through something similar, I think you have to give him an ultimatum he knows your in is back pocket and that he can toy with you as much as he wants, obviously he doesn't know what he wants.... in this case you have to force him to make a decision I know its hard when there kids in the mix I have 2 myself I know how it complicates things! You can't just disappear and not look back.... He need's to understand that you won't be there forever. Start changing things in your life perhaps if your broke start jogging or go for long walks daily, go out and visit friends.... start making changes regardless of what they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 If you are broke and uninsured, you can still get help. Go to marriagebuilders.com for some advice. Your husband is being foolish and playing games with you. If I were you, I'd stay in the house. Tell him you don't want to discuss him leaving, and that if he's made up his mind is ready to go, then he can let you know and pack his bags and go. Otherwise, the constant discussion and putting you through emotional limbo is not acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Are you saying that you left him in order to avoid having to live through him leaving you? IF as you say, he "doesn't really have anywhere he can go"... then whyyyyyyyyyy did you leave when professing to not want the relationship to end? It seems that you're the one saying one thing and doing the opposite. You should both harness all this energy you've been expending in trying to leave one another, to making the relationship work for the longer haul. And that begins with each of you in the same living quarters. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Are you saying that you left him in order to avoid having to live through him leaving you? IF as you say, he "doesn't really have anywhere he can go"... then whyyyyyyyyyy did you leave when professing to not want the relationship to end? It seems that you're the one saying one thing and doing the opposite. You should both harness all this energy you've been expending in trying to leave one another, to making the relationship work for the longer haul. And that begins with each of you in the same living quarters. Don't think that she is saying that she left him in order to avoid having to live through him leaving her at all...when someone feels unwanted, that is a natural defense mechanism. Valid that they need to be under the same roof to work it out..but perhaps they are both saying one thing and doing the opposite...she is just reacting on his indecisiveness which is enhancing her indeciveness.... Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 she is just reacting But she left him, and as there was no affair/crime/assault/etc.... she has nothing to "react" to... She was "acting"... and trying to make it seem like "reacting". It's as if they were on the playground as teenagers when, rather than work-out a disagreement, somebody just decides to take their ball and leave (ending the game for all in the process). Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Waiting for the OP to update her story... Good points SOG....let's wait to hear from her....if she updates. Link to post Share on other sites
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