EgoJoe Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) She said she's done countless times and when I ask if I can earn her trust (like a dumbass) to see her again ('cus it as ldr at the end and I admitted to having sex with another girl when she was away while we were first starting to see each other almost half a year before we were commited and she kind of blew it out of proportion and I basically ate the guilt trip) I've been posting here and there reiterating stuff I've been told and already knew because I've been getting alot of advice yet I'm still on the fence. I posted in my other thead, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278493/ our last back and forth which included yet another up and down from me. Where she says, "I wont be ready any time soon. Please respect my wish to not hear from you for a while while I sort things out. Thanks. " I really loved this girl, not sure what I feel now. But, I was too understanding...I sent her one "this is goodbye" and the another message recanting and leaving it up to her. My question is, should I push for closure or try to find it myself...some advice I've gotten is just to exist in this uncomfortable state and own it...while letting the realizations come on their own. But, I'm conflicted. I also have this strong urge to tell her she blew it out of proportion and even though we had some nasty fights it was a rough patch that I was coming out of as she started to drop all this, "confused about us" "i want to work on it" stuff. I've made alot of mistakes but I really feel like I shouldn't have taken this much grief. I'm not going to do anything rash and may just stick to NC and move on on my own and if I hear from her...let her know I wrote it down (so as to not hang on to it) andlet her have it then....something tells me I will hear from her....but if we resume I don't want it to be on her terms because then she might alwas take me for granted. EDIT: I wish I would have found this site before things went downhill. Edited May 20, 2011 by EgoJoe Link to post Share on other sites
rayne05us Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 If she feel she can't trust you then, it wold never work. She would have to feel like she CAN let you earn trust back, and right now she doesn't feel like she can so you have to respect her wishes. Closure is something that comes over time, but the biggest part is accepting things for what they are. As much as you want to change things and you feel she overreacted, you can't do anything to change that. Give her the space she is asking for. May I ask how the whole sleep with the other girl think came up? Did she ask you about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 No, while we were supposed to be on a 2 month no contact break that she was going to end. I went to call just to come clean about some other stuff and apologize for hurting her (which I did by pushing her away as thngs got ough and I felt like I should hav just done tha the last time we talked before the "break" which came about in a weird way) and I just told her 'cus it was before we commited and I felt terrible due to the fact that I had been doing what my therapist (saw him a few times as things we south) called "projection" Not only that but I wanted to get it off my chest and explain myself to her 'cus we had a really deep communication based relationship due to have LDR. I ended up doing a poor job, saying I wanted to move on. Which is stupid because despite my impulsive and compulsive emotional behavior I have been making huge strides. She said she was done and I could tell she was upset and mad. I asked if I could earn her trust back and come see her (don't know why) and she said, "I don't know. At this point I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you." that was a phone conversation a week ago before I sent the messages to her. Link to post Share on other sites
rayne05us Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 So you just wanted to be honest....but I'm not sure why you felt bad about it? I mean, it wasn't like you cheated on her. Has she been cheated on in the past or has history with all of that? If she can't accept you being honest and that it had absolutely nothing to do with her, then maybe she's not the one for you... I know it sucks to hear that, but don't you want somebody that you can be comfy enough to tell the truth? Does she normally react like like this or was it just this time? Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 No. Things were going downhill, she started to say confused about us, don't know what I want, stopped saying I love you. Said she was broken and just started withdrawing anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Find closure from yourself, you will not get it from her. Write down what you want to tell her,everyday, or when the impulse rises, save it, but dont give it to her, it will help you believe it or not. Every once in a while open up that letter you typed up, and look at it, and really really read it. You will find patterns, moods, and cycles in what you put on there, it may help you find something about yourself later on. Mostly, I would try to respect her wishes and leave her alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 I guess I don't understand why in the last message after I asked why she was done all she said was she wasn't going to be ready. Can you look at the back and forth in my other thread and tell me what you think? Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 I felt terrible due to the fact that I had been doing what my therapist (saw him a few times as things we south) called "projection" Can you please elaborate on that? I have a feeling my ex suffers from this and is one of many reasons he drove me to the break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 When you find it hard to trust someone else due to something that you did Link to post Share on other sites
rayne05us Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 So it sounds like she pretty much had one foot out the door before you even told her about what happened and she reacted exactly how she wanted to. She gave herself license to leave when you told her that...so now in her mind (even though it doesn't make sense) she doesn't have to feel as bad for leaving you. People can justify anything if they want to. Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 I guess I don't understand why in the last message after I asked why she was done all she said was she wasn't going to be ready. Can you look at the back and forth in my other thread and tell me what you think? I do remember that thread and read it, in its entirety. You know what my first thought was when I finished? Honestly, sleeping with another person is not a small deal, rationalize it all you want, which a devoted woman would hate. If she was emotionally and exclusively devoted to you believing and having faith you were the same way, then YES she is going to be pissed and not trust you. She is no longer special, if you are capable of doing that. I'm sure there is A LOT more to the problems you guys had, but what I'm trying to make you understand is this is a BIG DEAL. What is worse is when you tell her it is not, you are pushing her away, making her angry, frustrated, and just down right validating her decision. Her comment about not being ready anytime soon is a low blow, because I heard the same **** from my ex when I thought things were being fixed, but it turned out to be a power play or some ****, who knows, because he is rebounding. Don't hang on to her double edged words, she is emotionally charged just like you are right now. I know you are having trouble keeping NC, I can feel your pain, I've read your posts and you must not be a patient person, because I have the same impulses or want to anyway..until I found this site. I urge you to make your impulses come here instead of her...maybe even use Plasma's advise and lose your phone lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 Yeah, except for when she didn't want to take the break and I said I'd move on forever if I have too, suddenly she was willing. I don't know what to make of the other bit. I asked if she was done or if she just needed time...if nothing else I'd appreciate the chance to talk when she's ready. Then she sent the bit I posted above. Any opinions on that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) You're right...but we were away and while talking we didn't commit for a long time after that.. Because we were seeing each other but there was a big distance and we both had obligations. She would tell me if I "needed" to have sex just not to hell her...the only reason I told her was because of how it made me feel. Despite being very much in love at the time we were being smart about our long distance thing...we were spending summers together etc. but it was when we're together we're together. Maybe it was just justification, I've been told that before. I had doubts of her faithfulness as this whole thing unfolded, I even asked after I told if she'd been completely faithful to which she said yes, but, I don't know what to believe. The whole thing got out of hand fast, my first instinct was to cut and run but she said she wanted me to try. I broke down to tell her just to be honest...it really was way before we commited. The day after I told her, she removed my friend and my sister from fbook and all that jazz...I had already removed her and just said it was to curb my own jealousy. I hadn't told her it's not. She got mad fast. I was trying to explain after I said it, got two sentences in andshe just said, "Don't make excuses for yourself, Joe." Edited May 20, 2011 by EgoJoe Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Ok, To answer your first question, this is what I think. If this woman really really really wants to work things out, I promise you, she will come to you and say, ok I'm done being fickle, lets hash this out and talk. If she isnt even responding to you asking "can we talk, which one is it, is it over or not?" her silence gave you the answer that I know you do not want. She knows your tendencies, she knows your ups and downs, she knows your strengths and weaknesses, and she knows how she can play them. So she knows that when you told her, I will be gone forever, it was words of emotion/impulse/anger...etc.....that are not longlsatng Dont beat yourself up or obsess on the bread crums she's given you. I think you will do the right thing for yourself to walk away and be silent. You have already proven to her and told her you want answers, you want questions answered, you want to know!!!! That shows you are trying and care....if she isnt being responsive, I say accept it, I know you dont want to but please try. On the other comments you've made, sounds like there is a pin pong table full of trust issues between you two ( similar boat)...sometimes an ending is a blessing for a new better beginning. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 I hear what you're saying, I guess I'm just thrown off by her response to if she's done by not saying it...just saying awhile and anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 Yeah that's cruel on her part and i got something similar! I say try your best to imagine that stupid text never happened. She gave you breadcrums, the pigeon has to fly the coop! lol sorry couldn't help the cheesy analogy, I'm hoping I made you at least laugh. She is pained and consciencely or subconsciensly she's wanting to give you the same, accept the cruelty and use it as ammunition to propel yourself forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 20, 2011 Author Share Posted May 20, 2011 I don't know if it was just breadcrumbs. She had her chance many times to say no leave me alone. I don't want to see you ever again. Due to the distance that will probably be what ends up happening. I was impatient and impulsive and I shouldn't have told her but she was my best friend and I had a selfish desire to be understood. I might break NC in a bit to try and explain myself and call it my real final effort. Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Have you read the clown thread? Don't. Do. It. You are just feeling so many things i know exactly how you feel. Its worse because it's the Weekend and you are feeling vulnerable, this will most likely backfire and you will feel worse than before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 21, 2011 Author Share Posted May 21, 2011 I have read the clown thread. Since my relationship slowly devolved...I don't know if that applies. I prefer to take what she said literally. Although, I responded emotionally and again to recant. I don't know. I'm not thinking of doing anytime soon. Perhaps I'll wait for when our break was initially supposed to be over. I don't want a passive aggressive end. My ex(?) does have legitimate stress in her life and always has a full plate. She always was straight up even during our first breakup years ago. I do however desire my power back...part of it is through no contact. The other part is through telling her that I did not deserve the guilt trips or the way I was treated. I know that is egotistical but I think esoteric BS aside, I will feel better and possibly reverse some of her resent for me. I do hope to see her again some day but not just on her terms, so, if there ever can be reconciliation I must change the playing field. Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Don't make your weekend any worse. Just let it be for now. trust me just wait, you will be glad you did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 21, 2011 Author Share Posted May 21, 2011 What makes you say that? I don't think I'll hear from her...she has her justification and I fumbled with the explanation...as well as my responses. Slept like hell and apetite is gone again. Talked to my mentor as well as a good friend and they both say just put it in the back of my head and don't burn any bridges. I think and feel like I've already done that. Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 find a way to calm your nerves and distract yourself. What was the last point of contact with her, not you saying things and her ignoring you, what was the last thing she said to you that she wanted? Honor the last thing she said to you and dont go back and forth, you will either: a) push her farther away because she cant gain clarity b) look like a fool or feel like **** because she's seeing someone and come to find out she DID STRING YOU ALONG (like me) c) make her so mad with your emotions (if your pissy) that you are just re justifying why she's better off with out you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 21, 2011 Author Share Posted May 21, 2011 (edited) The last point of contact was a facebook message after I broke down and called her apologizing for hurtng her (Some legit stuff) and admitting to the other girl when we first started dating then I did a poor job explaining myself. It's possible she was seeing someone else although when I asked if she'd been faithful she said yes...I said I believed her but I didn't 'cus I don't know what to believe. She stated she wouldn't be ready any time soon and to respect her wish to not hear from me for awhile while she sorts things out. etc. I sent the two messages and that has been it.In the second one I told her if and when she wants to talk she knows how to get ahold of me. So just move on now and don't expect to hear from her? She had said she's done when I told her about the girl and I asked if I could "earn her trust back" and see her again, on the phone she said, "I don't know, at this point I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to see you." Edited May 21, 2011 by EgoJoe Link to post Share on other sites
Author EgoJoe Posted May 22, 2011 Author Share Posted May 22, 2011 I have that wellspring of confusion again. Trying to not think about it. But, I think I'm going to have to start writing all of this down. Feel like an idiot for giving her the benefit of the doubt...she was amazing for so long and changed...I feel like it might be a combination of GIGS, Resent, LDR woes and my economic situation (which was improving right as things went downhill) Link to post Share on other sites
sun_moon Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Give her space like she asked then, try not to kill yourself with thoughts. Sounds Like you've both hurt each other. I know you can do this. Don't bother her, prepare yourself for the worst outcome possibility. Keep writing your thoughts down. Trust is so essential, I didn't trust my ex, biggest reason we fought . Link to post Share on other sites
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