Push for closure or find it myself?

[sun_moon]

So I keep reading that these guys on here go to work out at the gym to feel better

I've been in that boat forcing myself to go work out.... Now I'm gonna be paying attention to the guys while I run wondering what their story is lol

Is he just working out like he always is or is he new trying to feel better! ???? Lol

Gotta get back to the gym after vacay.

 

Yup during my relationship I felt and still do, like I let him walk all over me ... At times.

 

I put all my heart, devotion, and efforts into that relationship and I didnt feel like I got that back, really really sucks.

 

What's your game plan after your therapy session? I find that when I plan for my day I feel better, maybe it's bc I'm structured and I'm a planner, but that helps me.

[EgoJoe]

Get out of that side of town without looking down the street to where we stayed at a B&B for Valentines 2010 or looking at the restaurant where we had dinner.

 

Force myself to eat 'cus my apetite was back and then gone. My first love got me to open up to her, dumped me, came back in a miraculous kind of way (I didn't want her to at first) and after 3 years...things just devolved. I could find alot of fault in what I did. I think she resents me because she was not having as much fun as her friends.

 

Then I was pressuring her with a decision after she graduated for when I moved..and I wanted to talk to her more intead of just when she was studying and then things went downhill. What is sad is that if I might have just followed my gut instinct at first I might not have lost her. Who knows

 

I want to just message her my final piece and be done. So conflicted.

[EgoJoe]

Blahhhhhh, all of those red flags keep popping into my head. Sigh. I might break NC tomorrow to let slip all of the things I held back without being a dip****. I hate this feeling. I can't believe after everything this is how it ended.

 

She went from persueing me...needing me...to shutting me out. Atleast I'm out of tears.

[sun_moon]

I can't wait till we are all much better

[EgoJoe]

I am getting better, slowly. I am so fed up with the way I was treated. Going to wait until next monday to talk to my therapist before I break NC, if I do.

[Call Me Al]

Consider this for a moment:

 

Every relationship that exists eventually ends. Even the wonderful ones people our grandparents age experienced where they fell in love in high school and stayed together until old age.

 

Eventually one person dies, and the other is left to pick up the pieces. That person also has to seek closure, although in a different manner altogether.

 

How you deal with and handle this breakup really comes down to you. You are the one in control of how you feel. People can say or react certain ways, but how it impacts you is your choice.

 

Contacting your ex will not resolve any feelings for you at all. I know it seems like it might, and you would love to hear from her...but I can assure you it will take you back to square one. Read posts of people who broke NC on this board. 90% of them are how negative they feel after doing so.

[EgoJoe]

Al, you're very right. My closure is coming in the form of simple probability recognition. While not saying she outright lied, I am convinced there is stuff she didn't tell me. Not only that, but, I want to stand up for myself.

 

I'm not going to lash out. But, I'm going to just say what I gotta say. I deserved a chance to explain myself (egotistical statement, I know) but I've been learning about my ego etc. Call this an act of befriending my own ego and sowing the seeds for something completely new down the road, which very likely won't be a relationship, however, I would like to be able to say I came to terms with myself and made every possible overture without being a wuss.

 

I definately let myself get pushed around and strung along; whether intentional or not. I even took guilt trips so far as to make things my own fault trying to take the blame and apologize for things.

 

This girl was/is amazing and I was willing to take alot to be with her and I let my boundaries slip. People go though phases, it's ironic that I went through one and at the end of mine she starts one. With the current no contact I am respecting her boundaries. I am going to be speaking to my Therapist about this topic exactly and ask him what he thinks what sort of time frame is appropriate or even if I should just write it down and wait. When I feel the attachment ebb and my mind is 100% clear I will act.

 

(Retro Add) Al, there was a convoluted lack of an end with alot of issues and she's a busy girl with alot going on. She obviously does not want to talk to me right now. I know this. I know it's over but I know that she is going through some legitimate stuff and has consistently expressed a desire to speak to me again. Breadcrumbs or not. I don't want to get "back together" and I would not be willing to start something new without serious issue hashing. I am of the mindset of "manning up" because I took alot of **** and went against my own gut feeling. Everything else is just a facet. I've come to terms with the layers of my feelings even though I still go through the phases of actively feeling them.

Edited May 26, 2011 by EgoJoe
Some clarification.

[Call Me Al]

Manning up starts with you though.

 

Acknowledge those things yourself, work on them, and dont let them happen next time. Addressing them in hindsight doesn't change them....if anything, it could make you come across as weaker for dwelling on your shortcomings.

 

As time passes, this girl will become a historical relic in your past unless you let her play a role in your life. By contacting her, you just prolong that presence and hold yourself back from moving on to the next person.

 

Lets say you do address those feelings, she takes it as too harsh, and fires off some retaliation letter thats just about how she doesn't care and is going out to bang some new guy later tonight. How would it make you feel?

[EgoJoe]

I highly doubt she'd respond like that if at all. Although, I see your point and I have been. That is the only reason I am where I am right now. I let too much slide, I knew I was while it was going on but I figured there would be a time and a place.

 

I kind of screwed up that opportunity. I really just want to tell her off.

[nana841121]

Based on my own experience, there is no closure.

once you contact her, new info will be there for your to digest.

Just cut off the connection once and for all.

[EgoJoe]

I'm not expecting or wanting a reply. I mean, the last message I got was breadcrumbs or legit confusion/anger.

 

I got cutoff trying to say my piece and I'm jilted. I want to let her know that she can't just come back etc. essentially everything in my "venting" post without all of the anger.

 

I haven't been dwelling on this the whole time. It's been there the whole time. I held back so much and went against my own gut because I believed in her and who she was. I feel jaded for doing it and I just want to convey that among other things.

 

If I don't do it now, I probably will hear from her and I'll have it hanging or it'll bring up this feeling. I want to draw my own boundary. I want to throw it away but I have a good memory and I never got over this girl the first time we broke up, I just drank. I don't do that now. I don't want to live in ignorance or embrace denial fantasys. I just want to be legit. I tried it wasn't worth it. I made mistakes but it wasn't all my fault.

 

Closure comes from myself, I know. I think I need to express myself completely without holding back. I do appreciate all of the feedback. I'm not just trying to argue 'cus OMFG I want her. I really would not just take her back. Yes, I do want to see her again. But, not now and I don't know when. That might change down the road.

 

I'm a good looking guy and I can talk to new girls but I'm not going to be giving my heart away anytime soon..

[EgoJoe]

Al, Rayne, Sun, Nana, Movingthough, Plasma, and Mack. Thank you all so much for the advice and council.

 

I have come to a decision and it is to break no contact one final time. I realize that it might make me look weaker but what was weak was letting so much slide knowing better but being so attached and blinded by love.

 

I am not going to lash out or even go over things point for point. I'll post what I'm going to say here in advance. Going to reflect on it until my appointment on Monday. I am so angry and bitter over the way I was treated and starting with this act. I will never tolerate this sort of treatment again.

 

Typing this out makes me feel better even though I haven't done it.

[Mack05]

Good luck to you Joe. I honestly believe this is the wrong decision. By contacting her, you are giving your power back to her. Nothing good can come of this. In fact you will probably end up even more frustrated. Who cares what she thinks. Right now she is not important to you and your life. You are obessing about her, instead of focusing on yourself and your needs. Believe me I know. I was there...I obsessed too about my ex and made an idiot of myself at the end of our relationship. And I do mean IDIOT! lol. I can laugh about it now which is good.

 

I know for a fact my ex and her friends probably think I am a some sort of nutjob. It used to drive me mad, people having this opinion of me. I just wanted to explain I was acting out of character, just going through a tough time in my life but she didn't want to know and still doesn't. I decided to give my power back to me (away from her). Focus all my energy on me. It's been six weeks no contact and I feel 1000% better. Don't get me wrong, there have been ups and downs but I have stuck with it. When my mind wonders I bring it back to myself. I allow myself to feel my feelings. Everything I do now is for me. I have lost nearly 20 pounds in 2 months. The old swagger is coming back and I think about her less and less. Indeed if she came begging me to take her back right now, NOT a chance. Whereas two months ago I would have given mt right arm to get her back. Time and self healing puts everything into the proper prespective.

 

I think you should respect your ex. Respect the fact she wants distance and wants no contact. Accept the relationship is over and accept her opinion of you. As long as you know the truth, that's all that matters. Use this time to be a better man. Learn from your mistakes and begin the process of looking forward not back. I wsh you well either way buddy

[Mack05]

adding: I think you need to forgive yourself and her Joe. Here are tips below to do just that

 

http://learningtoforgive.com/9-steps/

 

 

''The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love''

 

People going through anger, need to let go. It just makes u depressed and shuts us off from the rest of the world.......

[EgoJoe]

I'm still going to wait a bit which she asked for. I need to stand up for myself though, Mack. I'm already on a path for forgiveness. The truth is I'm too forgiving sometimes. I'm not going to hang on to these bitter feelings forever and I am going to bring myself to closure one way or another.

 

I don't believe I'm truly obsessing although I am certaintly going down that road. I need to do this for ME.

Edited May 26, 2011 by EgoJoe

[sun_moon]

Ok so based on your response she is/was your first love, that explains A LOT. Joe you are obsessing and your coping with letting go, letting go on more ways than one, not just the relationship, but the negative emotions you are having, that we are all having. Letting go of the anger, the history, the what ifs. This is coming from experience, I know I can get people to back me up on this.

Trust me, I'm still obsessing and I've been through this before.

I know you want to be heard, man I want it so bad it hurts, and sometimes the pain is physical because you are so miserable, so depressed.

I hope I'm not offending you, I mean no harm, try to see that this is you rationalizing your way into a bad situation/ action. Sometimes though, we have to get burned before we know when to stop.

I am glad at Least you are waiting to speak to your therapist before you leap.

Once again, we can only advise you, the rest is clearly in your hands.

I still think you should write, and when I say write, I dont mean type, so you end up making a 30 second mistake with one send button that will cost you a big set back.

Take a pen and paper, write everything you wish, seel the letter and keep it. When you feel the itch again, come post here, and do another letter.

[EgoJoe]

The negative feelings aren't all that bad. I just took too much crap and it got so bad I felt like it was my fault for everything. Feel manipulated, don't know what is/was real with regard to it. I know it's over but I don't understand that convoluted end (or lack thereof).

[EgoJoe]

I know you guys have my best interests at heart. This whole situation has me so confused. I am going to wait. I feel lame for seeing a Therapist, I feel lame for needing advice. I can't believe how much I let slide when I should have followed my gut.

 

I can't cry right now because I'm trying to help my strung out brother. Can't even find him, my Mother is hounding me about it and everything in my life is falling to pieces.

 

I got fired from two sales jobs as my relationship went downhill. I put my Education on hold to move to this girl and now I'm lost. I probably won't do it. I'll probably just write the letter and save it.

 

I wish I was stronger.

[Call Me Al]

if you want to be stronger, let go the idea of contacting her again.

 

Trust me.

[EgoJoe]

So I found out my Brother is on a rampage to get at my other Brother because while he was in jail his wife was doing drugs and had sex with him.

 

I had to console my Sister-in-law because she was distraught, beg to see my nephews, track down my older brother and deal with him threatening to disown me. My Mom said thanks for peace of mind and I'm like cool you have peace of mind but meanwhile I'm the shmuck who always forgives and never stands his ground.

 

I want to say my piece so bad, the way this relationship dissolved...it's like nothing I ever knew to be possible. I wasn't myself before things went downhill and now I don't even know who I am anymore. For now, I will not. I promise you guys that. I will speak to my Therapist about what is appropriate and I will follow his advice.

 

I'm sober and thats the only thing I have going on for me right now. I have to put on a strong face for people but I'm cracking at the seams. I can answer almost every question when I watch Jeopordy and yet I still can't answer my own.

 

Between the emotional influence upon my self mixed with the abberation that is my ego I'm so out of it. I'm not being melodramatic either; I am being literal. This world is so ****ed and we're all so foolish.

[sun_moon]

I'm sorry I don't know what to say bout your family situation except you are stronger than you think.

You are sober and that in itself shows how much stronger youve become how you didn't give in when you are depressed it shows how you've grown, matured, becoming a Better individual. It's so easy for us to beat our selves up in times so fragile Like this because our loved ones dessert us and our validation and acceptance just walked out of our lives and everything is so so much harder. We have to remember that we were and ARE whole individuals before we me someone and after as well, you can Do this Joe.

 

I understand your pain and how you feel like you were walked All over, I feel foolish too, I feel so stupid for putting up with so much **** all in the name of love.

Ask yourself what will I get once I tell her how she walked all over me, I took he **** and the blame? Will I be ok with the worst possible outcome? Can I keep this to myself, forget any kind of response or no response and try to rebuild my life ?

 

When it rains it pours, and the best revenge you can have on her is finding your strength and happiness again.

Hopefully you can keep yourself busy trying to find a new job and getting yourself back on track for your education, you HAVE TO and you will and you can.

[EgoJoe]

Yeah. I know you're right. Although I want the opportunity to say that I was with that other girl before we commited. I feel like that isn't asking too much. But, like I said. I will wait and get advice from a paid professional.

[Mack05]

Joe it takes a real man to get help for his problems. Therapy isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength. Having the courage to face your demons is the measure of a man. If more people did it, we might not like in such a messed up society. It's the best thing I ever did..

[EgoJoe]

I'm not feeling very manly right now. Feel like crap. Wish I wouldn't have overslept on Monday. Have alot to do tomorrow and I can't sleep now. So much miscommunication and emotional stupidity, not trying to dwell but it happens anyway.

 

My entire relationship just keeps replayng and I don't want it to. I don't want to obsess I don't want to be this person.

[Mack05]

Joe here is a good thread. Pete gives great advice -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t279515/