Push for closure or find it myself?

[EgoJoe]

Yeah. The truth is my first instinct was the correct one. I just wanted her I wanted to be supportive but I didn't follow through with my gut I won't be making that mistake ever again.

 

I also won't be burdening someone else with my depressing problems no matter how much they tell me they want me to lean on them.

[Fedor]

Yeah. The truth is my first instinct was the correct one. I just wanted her I wanted to be supportive but I didn't follow through with my gut I won't be making that mistake ever again.

 

I also won't be burdening someone else with my depressing problems no matter how much they tell me they want me to lean on them.

 

Amen to that. One of the big mistakes I made.

[EgoJoe]

It's really crazy how little things Pop into my head and I realize how love blinds you. We are really simple pathetic creatures sometimes. Can't wait for Monday.

Edited May 27, 2011 by EgoJoe

[sun_moon]

Joe it takes a real man to get help for his problems. Therapy isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength. Having the courage to face your demons is the measure of a man. If more people did it, we might not like in such a messed up society. It's the best thing I ever did..

 

I totally agree! It does take a real man, hahaha, I told my ex rhe same thing, I told him he needs professional therapy and that's a sign of progress, maturity, and a REAL MAN! Ofcourse he will never get it lol

[EgoJoe]

I'm posting here as I head to Seattle to help a friend move. I just wish I could have handled things better for me. I'm so stuck in this mindset. I'm not obsessing over the relationship. I'm obsessing over my actions.

 

I had to cutoff my family today because my Older Brother went too far and invaded my personal boundaries.

 

Going to chill all weekend and on Monday I'll take the first non-prepulatory step towards my new life. So thankful for all of the support.

[sun_moon]

I'm realizing more and more how therapeutic This site has been. It's distracted me, I typed when I was at my lowest crying, i read when I was in my thoughts and obsessing. Now I'm on a vacay and while I'm having fun, I have to come here daily to let out what I'm holding in, or at least read so I don't feel so alone.

I realized that it keeps me functional and centered so i can live my life while I try to heal.

One day we will be at the point when this will all be in our past.

[EgoJoe]

You're right Sun_moon it is very therapeutic. However, whenever I read this thread I have to laugh at myself as I see the patterns. The truth is; we are all stuck on these abstract notions for our observations of reality.

 

It's a very sad sad thing that in this modern era we as a species are so unenlightened. Sometimes, you gotta go with the flow and be a prick. Atleast I have no room in my heart for hate or spite.

 

Though I may very well be slightly spiteful soon. I'm aghast at the developments in my family and I will have to spend alot of time focusing on myself while letting them deal with their own problems.

[betterdeal]

Joe it takes a real man to get help for his problems. Therapy isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength. Having the courage to face your demons is the measure of a man. If more people did it, we might not like in such a messed up society. It's the best thing I ever did..

 

I agree wholeheartedly. My lower back was hurting a lot recently so I asked an osteopath for help. My penis was sore when erect, so I asked a urologist for help. My foot was sore so I asked a podiatrist for help. My muscles were tense and aching, so I asked a massage therapist for help. Top racing drivers use mechanics to tune their cars. Top athletes use psychologists to train their minds.

 

My brain is no different. I found hypnotherapy very useful, and am now embarking on some more psychotherapy.

[EgoJoe]

Betterdeal, you use some pretty good logic there. I'm so conflicted still, all these feelings and no end in sight. I force myself to think about other things and yet I know I have to find my own closure and acceptance to a volatile situation.

[EgoJoe]

I don't know if I should start a new thread or not. I'm writing here so I don't write her.

 

I just cried a little bit...not because I want her but because of how much crap I took and how someone so amazing changed. She deserved a pedestal at one point but I'm knocking her down now.

 

I knew better than to deal with what I did, I was trying to be supportive of a girlfriend who said she was depressed...who had legitimate reasons to be depressed. Maybe she was in a way and because of my bad patch she didn't believe she could lean on me. She did say she felt like she always had to be the strong one, but, that was bull**** I stuck by her and tried to be supportive and she just didn't take it that way.

 

I can't wait for monday, not just for insight about whether I should break NC or not. I need to clear my head in general.

[Fedor]

I feel what you mean man. I admit now that I made a mistake trying to contact my ex. I just wanted to know what the true deal is. Do you love me or not? And what I got was no response. That hurts because I would think that after 2.5 years that she would have enough respect to tell me her feelings. Maybe you should stay NC:lmao:

[sun_moon]

Joe it's not about the change it's about how we end up discovering what a person is like when times go bad, it's a test of who they are and how they are. What traits do they have or lack that you haven't seen till the **** hits the fan?

 

Love ,compassion, forgiveness, understanding, patience, regret, depression, will, strength, etc

 

It becomes disappointing and disheartening when we end up not getting what we expect. I'm still mourning as well.

 

I pray you have peace and a good therapy session to give your mind some rest.

[Mack05]

Joe it's not about the change it's about how we end up discovering what a person is like when times go bad, it's a test of who they are and how they are. What traits do they have or lack that you haven't seen till the **** hits the fan?

 

Love ,compassion, forgiveness, understanding, patience, regret, depression, will, strength, etc

 

It becomes disappointing and disheartening when we end up not getting what we expect. I'm still mourning as well.

 

I pray you have peace and a good therapy session to give your mind some rest.

 

Agree 500%! I am no contact six weeks now. For some reason this weekend I REALLY miss my ex. It's just as bad as it was at the start of the breakup. This longing for closure. This need to talk to her. I won't break NC though. The above post helped me alot. Me ex was a great girl when things were going well. Very beautiful, sweet, fun, caring. It's when things went bad, did I see just how messed up a person she actually is. She showed me a truly nasty cold side to her. Never gave me the closure I needed at the time, that part of me still needs. Achieving closure on your own is as hard as it sounds...Hopefully next week is better.

 

Still I forgave her and that's important for me. I just really miss her this weekend for reasons I can't explain..I never had problems moving on before. I know we are not right for each other, yet my longing for her actually hurts me..Starting to think maybe I did love her, but why waste love on someone with Borderline Personality disorder. Someone who could never give me the Love I feel I deserve..Life is weird!

 

Hopefully I will meet someone new soon who I adore and she adores me (for me). Last night, I kissed a girl for the first time since we broke up. It just didn't feel right..Maybe that's what has set me back.

[EgoJoe]

Meh, I need my own closure. Not going to think about it until tomorrow though. I'm playing video games with my brother and perusing the forums.

[EgoJoe]

Of course I thought about it off and on today. I hope my therapist says it's ok to stand up for myself and tell her off because thats what I want to do. I deserved so much better than how I was treated at the end. Yet I can still acknowledge my mistakes.

 

I'm going to bed now, had a good shower and chilled with my younger brother. I'll post here as soon as I get back.

[Mack05]

Joe,

 

Here is a reply from pelican Pete in another thread about breaking no No contact

 

"I'm getting the vibe that there are things that you don't like about yourself, which explains your behavior over sending her this email. I understand you want some form of closure that feels like it's on your terms, but trust me you don't want to send her anything.

 

I don't know what type of email it is, but it's basically breaching a hole in your wall of NC for her to funnel a bunch of irritating hang ups for you. I sent my ex a polite and warm closure/goodbye letter, wishing her the best in life etc. Rather than her returning the favor, she used that opportunity to try to cause more problems because all of a sudden she wanted these worthless things back that she didn't give a damn about earlier. I didn't break NC, but it was still emotionally taxing on me when she'd send messages through my friends everyday to give some of her stuff back until it finally got to her via snail mail. If I could do it again, I would've just posted it on LS or gave it to a friend just for the satisfaction of sending it.

 

There is nothing wrong with being single unless you aren't happy with yourself, so what is it about you that you want to change? This is the perfect opportunity to start addressing how to become a better person"

 

He is 100% right. I missed my ex ALOT this weekend but only on Sunday when I was alone in my house. I was out with friends having fun on Friday and Saturday and she didn't even creep into my head once. The truth is we want to get back in contact because we are not happy within ourselves. We justify it then by saying my ex needs to hear this. She doesn't, believe me they don't need to hear what we have to say.

 

It's not going to change her opinion about us and 99% of the time you are not going to get the reaction you were hoping for and this sets our recovery back. We may kid ourselves and say we are not expecting a reply, but all we are doing is kidding ourselves. Deep down we hope our ex's will see the light if they get this brand new piece of information. Or now that they have this information they are going to think more highly of us.

 

Believe it or not some dumpers even get a kick out of the fact people haven't moved on from them. Some believe the dumpee getting back in contact is a sign of weakness and that just reaffirms their already overwhelming belief that they are better off without you. I've broken up with a girl I want out with for 7 years before. Believe me, there is nothing she could have said that would have changed my mind about us and my opinion about her. We went no contact 7 years ago and have been no contact more or less ever since..

 

Joe there is always going to be a reason for us to contact with our ex's. My last ex treated me terribly at the end and there is so much I would still like to say to her. If I break NC I know a) she won't reply and b) I will feel 10 times worse then I do now. Don't do it to yourself mate. Don't go to Therapy trying to justify to you're Therapist why you should break no contact. Go to Therapy to focus on ways to make yourself happy again. Once you get happyness within yourself, trust me you won't give a f*&& what your ex thinks of you..

Edited May 30, 2011 by Mack05

[Fedor]

Joe,

 

Here is a reply from pelican Pete in another thread about breaking no No contact

 

"I'm getting the vibe that there are things that you don't like about yourself, which explains your behavior over sending her this email. I understand you want some form of closure that feels like it's on your terms, but trust me you don't want to send her anything.

 

I don't know what type of email it is, but it's basically breaching a hole in your wall of NC for her to funnel a bunch of irritating hang ups for you. I sent my ex a polite and warm closure/goodbye letter, wishing her the best in life etc. Rather than her returning the favor, she used that opportunity to try to cause more problems because all of a sudden she wanted these worthless things back that she didn't give a damn about earlier. I didn't break NC, but it was still emotionally taxing on me when she'd send messages through my friends everyday to give some of her stuff back until it finally got to her via snail mail. If I could do it again, I would've just posted it on LS or gave it to a friend just for the satisfaction of sending it.

 

There is nothing wrong with being single unless you aren't happy with yourself, so what is it about you that you want to change? This is the perfect opportunity to start addressing how to become a better person"

 

He is 100% right. I missed my ex ALOT this weekend but only on Sunday when I was alone in my house. I was out with friends having fun on Friday and Saturday and she didn't even creep into my head once. The truth is we want to get back in contact because we are not happy within ourselves. We justify it then by saying my ex needs to hear this. She doesn't, believe me they don't need to hear what we have to say.

 

It's not going to change her opinion about us and 99% of the time you are not going to get the reaction you were hoping for and this sets our recovery back. We may kid ourselves and say we are not expecting a reply, but all we are doing is kidding ourselves. Deep down we hope our ex's will see the light if they get this brand new piece of information. Or now that they have this information they are going to think more highly of us.

 

Believe it or not some dumpers even get a kick out of the fact people haven't moved on from them. Some believe the dumpee getting back in contact is a sign of weakness and that just reaffirms their already overwhelming belief that they are better off without you. I've broken up with a girl I want out with for 7 years before. Believe me, there is nothing she could have said that would have changed my mind about us and my opinion about her. We went no contact 7 years ago and have been no contact more or less ever since..

 

Joe there is always going to be a reason for us to contact with our ex's. My last ex treated me terribly at the end and there is so much I would still like to say to her. If I break NC I know a) she won't reply and b) I will feel 10 times worse then I do now. Don't do it to yourself mate. Don't go to Therapy trying to justify to you're Therapist why you should break no contact. Go to Therapy to focus on ways to make yourself happy again. Once you get happyness within yourself, trust me you won't give a f*&& what your ex thinks of you..

I would have to disagree. All dumpers are different and have different reasonings. For instance, I sent my gf a very lengthy text message just getting everything off my chest. And this is after she wouldnt respond to any of my past contact attempts. And wouldnt you know, she gave me a reply. And that reply was sort of positive on her part. Yes, there was still some questions left unanswered but I feel some relief now that I told her how I felt about the whole situation. All I can say is to be mentally prepared if things dont go your way.

[love4me2c]

I'm reading a great book on breaking up called "Getting Over Your Breakup." You can find it in bookstores, amazon (even kindle version) and I'm sure your local library. I highly recommend it. I want to get over this as fast as I can and with my dignity intact. There are some good exercises in the book get your mind off him/her. I can tell you that NC is absolutely best.

 

Two nights ago, I wasn't home and he came by and dropped off some stuff of mine that he didn't have to return. He left the stuff in a bag with a long 3 page note. I quickly read it once, tore it up, and never responded. Then yesterday, late afternoon, he sends me an email about how he can't sleep, all he does is think about, and how much he loves me. I caved and responded and REALLY wish I hadn't. It did absolutely no good and frankly, I am not in a mood to GIVE him closure. I don't care about him needing closure. I think he wants an apology about something I am not sorry for doing or saying. So he'll never get that from me because I meant every word of what I said.

 

I'm at peace. I don't need anymore explanations. I don't need anymore promises of what his feelings are/were. Bottom line is that it doesn't really matter. It's over and I no longer want to look back. It was the worst relationship I've ever been in. I know he'll contact me again. I expect it within a month, but I am fully ready for maintaining NC. That gives me the control and will allow me to move on to better, more healthy relationships in the future when I'm ready. You are not alone. I'm right there with you trying to move on... it is tough but I've gotten over other relationships so I know i can get over this one.

[sun_moon]

Joe, can't wait to hear bout your session. amazon is great don't ever need to walk into a bookstore for a breakup book lol

[love4me2c]

Yeah no joke. I love the little kindle app on my iphone. I can download all kinds of books. Right now it is mainly stuff on breakups, infidelity, and self esteem. These books have really really helped me a lot. Another one I recommend for women who tend to find themselves in toxic relationships is "Women Who Love Too Much." That is an excellent excellent book. Even if you don't think you are a woman who loves too much, I think all women can benefit from reading it. My therapist thinks I need to to read it again and I think she's right.

[sinnister]

You're right Sun_moon it is very therapeutic. However, whenever I read this thread I have to laugh at myself as I see the patterns. The truth is; we are all stuck on these abstract notions for our observations of reality.

 

It's a very sad sad thing that in this modern era we as a species are so unenlightened. Sometimes, you gotta go with the flow and be a prick. Atleast I have no room in my heart for hate or spite.

 

Though I may very well be slightly spiteful soon. I'm aghast at the developments in my family and I will have to spend alot of time focusing on myself while letting them deal with their own problems.

 

Amen, brother (not a religious person, but it seemed to fit). Yeah, if you don't take time, you will never have it. I just got tired of people taking me for granted..so I stopped being there. Very few supported/believed in the r/s..and was actually (don't know the word--subtly jubilant) when it failed. They ask me to help/discuss/pay for problems they have..but I've not a moment's peace after breakup that I didn't have to elbow. When you know people r just going to wait till you fail them to say the same things they want to say to bring you down when you're "too good to be true" for them...f--k em.

[EgoJoe]

I didn't go. I tossed and turned and when I finally fell asleep I turned off my alarm. It's 1:00PM and I'm still in bed.

 

I'll post back later. I'm not sad just irritated at how I was treated, trying to shake it off and I'm having a hard time. I'm not happy with myself that is true yet it's not just because I'm single.

[EgoJoe]

There is a reason for everything...my older came by right after I posted. I am currently cheering him up while we listen to music.

[Mack05]

loveme4me can you give me the authors name? Cant find it on Amazon. Cheers

[EgoJoe]

I'll probably have to pick up that book too. I've got a hefty reading list in front of me, going to have a short phone consultation with my Therapist in a bit.

 

It's a good day so far. I'm helping others despite my predicament. Heh, so weird.