Push for closure or find it myself?

[sun_moon]

Joe

I'm concerned for you now like you were for me yesterday

You were looking forward to your appointment for a while. Ok well I hope you get somethings off your chest and some clarity on the phone with the therapist.

My sister told me not too long ago, you know when you feel like ****, when your obsessing and cant get this **** off your mind, it really really helps to look outside yourself and your situation, and try to distract yourself by helping others, your friends and/or family.

Not only do you fill your time, distract your mind and emotions, but you also end up feeling better because of your unselfish deed.

Ok so now I want an update after your phone call with the therapist.

[EgoJoe]

He hasn't called or answered. Might be because of the holiday or he could be irritated because that is three appointments that I've missed. I'm embarassed by this thread but I can see the cycle.

 

I'm not psycho obsessing I'm just so left brained with such a good memory that the slightest tinge of emotion brings me back to square one. I haven't thought about anything but what I FEEL and I DID. Yet, that still makes me want to lash out. I won't. I promise.

 

Going to be back around the forums later on.

[EgoJoe]

Slight addendum. I haven't thought about anything but my actions, today, except for after I made that post. Had a little back and forth come to mind and it made me sick to my stomach.

 

Was reading someone elses post about ex showing stuff to another guy...I don't know in my case but I have had clues and red flags and it makes me want to move on forever, completely.

[EgoJoe]

I'm doing ok today. I guess. Just kind of making this thread into my venting place.

[Fedor]

When do you plan to talk to your therapist?

[EgoJoe]

Going to call him in a moment. I stayed up late and slept too much again. Need to start being more responsible etc. I am getting there. I do some thngs right and not others.

[EgoJoe]

Have a monday at 2 o clock. He was irritated but not mad that I missed those appointments.

 

I am no going to be asking him about breaking NC. I am going to use my therapy session (last one) to improve upon myself.

[PelicanPete]

Hey Joe. Just read through most of your thread and you seem to be handling yourself better than most! I'm glad there's some people here that like my advice

 

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that its perfectly normal to let yourself slip a bit when your going through a big break up. I wasn't able to gather how long ago your break up happened, but if you're in the first two month range of it your probably going to have no appetite, little sleep, and just feeling depressed with a dash of hopelessness.

 

First two weeks on my breakup, I lost about 8 pounds, didn't shave at all, and pretty much just sat in darkness feeling like crap . She was my first love as well, and I defined a large portion of who I was and what I wanted in the future around being with her. It felt like our relationship was a 4 year game of Jenga, all this build up and effort to reach the top, and one day she knocked it all over and left me to clean it up. I was unsure of where I was headed, who I was, and what I wanted, and my appearance definitely validated that.

 

It's important to get that feeling of being a victim out of your system. Life definitely beat the crap out of me that year, and I know everyones telling ya you have to get out there and start doing all this stuff to get over your break up, but I needed time to let myself go through it all before I was ready. Think about a boxing match, why do they give you 10 seconds to get up? You need time to feel it, get your composure, and deal with it before your able to start swingin' again. If you get up too fast, your weak, dizzy, and unprepared. So where do you think you'll end up?

 

After a month, I was ready to get up. I was sick of feeling like crap and acting like a victim, so I gradually got back into my regular routines while trying to redefine who I was. I was still dealing with a lot of emotions about the break up, in fact a lot of times i didn't even want to leave my house, but I was able to deal with my break up and my life in general a lot better by getting that feeling of weakness out of my system. I faced a lot more discouragement when I returned to "the real world", but i didn't let those knock me back down because I was emotionally fortified and ready for life.

 

So if this feels like a knock out punch, don't be in a rush to scramble back up to your feet. You got 10 seconds! You don't have to be up at 2 or 3, let yourself feel it, then set some goals for yourself and wait until your seeing straight before you get back up. With that said, if you aren't up in 10 seconds you're choosing to give up. Life will always go on, but it will stand still for you if you let it.

[EgoJoe]

It slowly devolved, we were fighting at the end of Jan and Feb...she was really busy with exams etc. Then at the beginning of March she started to say the "I'm confused about us, don't know what I want etc," in April 22nd we finally had a big talk about our relationship and she kept saying, "I'm broken and it's unfair fo you to wait."

 

So I was saying I'd move on forever, and, after initially saying that it was unfair to put a time on it etc. she was ok with the break (2 months nc). I ended up caving after 3 weeks and called to apologize for some stuff out of guilt etc. and admitted something I really didn't have to but I wanted to explain some behavior.

 

She doesn't want to hear from me for "awhile" while she "sorts things out"

 

All I want to do is stand up for myself. I'm doing lots of other stuff good. This is a debate in my head whether it's necessary or worth it.

[PelicanPete]

Well, sometimes you just have to do it even though you feel as if it will be a mistake. Love is an irrational complex, so sometimes you have to do some irrational things to make you feel better.

 

Try writing out what you would say in an email or something and get it all on paper. Edit it and read it outloud to yourself a few times to yourself and then leave the finished product for 24 hours. Come back to it 24 hours later and reread it again. If you still feel the need to send it, then sending it is the right decision for your healing, even if it is something you know that may set you back or not good for you, it's even worse by keeping it bottled up.

 

In all honesty, living in regret because you didn't do something is a lot harder to move on from then doing something and making a mistake.

[EgoJoe]

I've been debating it since I called then messaged her a few days later. I was told to avoid the reason why she'd be mad or w/e.

 

What got me the most is she went from saying, " I feel like I'm losing you, and I can't lose you." to just backing off and giving me all of those mixed signals etc.

Edited June 1, 2011 by EgoJoe
Clarity

[sun_moon]

Hey Joe. Just read through most of your thread and you seem to be handling yourself better than most! I'm glad there's some people here that like my advice

 

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that its perfectly normal to let yourself slip a bit when your going through a big break up. I wasn't able to gather how long ago your break up happened, but if you're in the first two month range of it your probably going to have no appetite, little sleep, and just feeling depressed with a dash of hopelessness.

 

First two weeks on my breakup, I lost about 8 pounds, didn't shave at all, and pretty much just sat in darkness feeling like crap . She was my first love as well, and I defined a large portion of who I was and what I wanted in the future around being with her. It felt like our relationship was a 4 year game of Jenga, all this build up and effort to reach the top, and one day she knocked it all over and left me to clean it up. I was unsure of where I was headed, who I was, and what I wanted, and my appearance definitely validated that.

 

It's important to get that feeling of being a victim out of your system. Life definitely beat the crap out of me that year, and I know everyones telling ya you have to get out there and start doing all this stuff to get over your break up, but I needed time to let myself go through it all before I was ready. Think about a boxing match, why do they give you 10 seconds to get up? You need time to feel it, get your composure, and deal with it before your able to start swingin' again. If you get up too fast, your weak, dizzy, and unprepared. So where do you think you'll end up?

 

After a month, I was ready to get up. I was sick of feeling like crap and acting like a victim, so I gradually got back into my regular routines while trying to redefine who I was. I was still dealing with a lot of emotions about the break up, in fact a lot of times i didn't even want to leave my house, but I was able to deal with my break up and my life in general a lot better by getting that feeling of weakness out of my system. I faced a lot more discouragement when I returned to "the real world", but i didn't let those knock me back down because I was emotionally fortified and ready for life.

 

So if this feels like a knock out punch, don't be in a rush to scramble back up to your feet. You got 10 seconds! You don't have to be up at 2 or 3, let yourself feel it, then set some goals for yourself and wait until your seeing straight before you get back up. With that said, if you aren't up in 10 seconds you're choosing to give up. Life will always go on, but it will stand still for you if you let it.

 

 

I really like your advice and posts. I also think you're very wise

[sinnister]

Hey Joe. Just read through most of your thread and you seem to be handling yourself better than most! I'm glad there's some people here that like my advice

 

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that its perfectly normal to let yourself slip a bit when your going through a big break up. I wasn't able to gather how long ago your break up happened, but if you're in the first two month range of it your probably going to have no appetite, little sleep, and just feeling depressed with a dash of hopelessness.

 

First two weeks on my breakup, I lost about 8 pounds, didn't shave at all, and pretty much just sat in darkness feeling like crap . She was my first love as well, and I defined a large portion of who I was and what I wanted in the future around being with her. It felt like our relationship was a 4 year game of Jenga, all this build up and effort to reach the top, and one day she knocked it all over and left me to clean it up. I was unsure of where I was headed, who I was, and what I wanted, and my appearance definitely validated that.

 

It's important to get that feeling of being a victim out of your system. Life definitely beat the crap out of me that year, and I know everyones telling ya you have to get out there and start doing all this stuff to get over your break up, but I needed time to let myself go through it all before I was ready. Think about a boxing match, why do they give you 10 seconds to get up? You need time to feel it, get your composure, and deal with it before your able to start swingin' again. If you get up too fast, your weak, dizzy, and unprepared. So where do you think you'll end up?

 

After a month, I was ready to get up. I was sick of feeling like crap and acting like a victim, so I gradually got back into my regular routines while trying to redefine who I was. I was still dealing with a lot of emotions about the break up, in fact a lot of times i didn't even want to leave my house, but I was able to deal with my break up and my life in general a lot better by getting that feeling of weakness out of my system. I faced a lot more discouragement when I returned to "the real world", but i didn't let those knock me back down because I was emotionally fortified and ready for life.

 

So if this feels like a knock out punch, don't be in a rush to scramble back up to your feet. You got 10 seconds! You don't have to be up at 2 or 3, let yourself feel it, then set some goals for yourself and wait until your seeing straight before you get back up. With that said, if you aren't up in 10 seconds you're choosing to give up. Life will always go on, but it will stand still for you if you let it.

Great advice! Problem is..people who claim "they've gone through what you did/how you did", indifferent, jaded, or otherwise just selfish people don't think you deserve that time. That's when u really need to stand up for yourself...don't let anyone's expectations define how u heal....each disappointment is so unique. Again, you do seem on one of the strongest paths (or mirroring my "fake it till you make it then swoon" on here. Don't be like me and let yourself overthink it....your SO is always trying to win the post-b/u battle and it is one. It will insure the up/downs. But if you want to get it over with and know that there's really no way to go back..get it all off your chest..sometimes they need it. But know that even if right, she will take the higher ground and make your flaws even worse..even if she doesn't tell you. You'll probably never get closure..but you'll get backbone. Just don't be too hard on yourself..u tried...u burned..u waited.

 

If you know there's still a future...do what you've gotten ready for...see your therapist about YOURSELF and stay NC. Good luck.

[EgoJoe]

I just got off of the phone with my new mentor and we discussed the egotistical aspects of my desire. He does not think I'm ready because it's still all about my feelings towards misconceptions.

 

I don't know if there is a future, I don't know if there isn't. I don't know how much truth was told or what really went on. I know that there was and is a huge emotional charge to the situation and that I might be the only one thinking about it.

 

I'm still going off of the "I'm not going to be ready any time soon. etc."

 

What do you mean about doing what I got ready for?

[sinnister]

I just got off of the phone with my new mentor and we discussed the egotistical aspects of my desire. He does not think I'm ready because it's still all about my feelings towards misconceptions.

 

I don't know if there is a future, I don't know if there isn't. I don't know how much truth was told or what really went on. I know that there was and is a huge emotional charge to the situation and that I might be the only one thinking about it.

 

I'm still going off of the "I'm not going to be ready any time soon. etc."

 

What do you mean about doing what I got ready for?

 

You initially said you were going to see your therapist about trying to craft the letter/response....then decided yesterday to focus more on your future..yourself..the after her "maybe". I do feel you left yourself too open to the guilt-trip/torture by admiting a girl when you were not exclusive...but your heart was in the right place. Wow..I'm just like you and even worse with the sleep patterns...and was far worse then...take ur time..there's nothing worse than this slow burn.

[EgoJoe]

Despite all of my feelings etc. I don't want to think of it as a battle. I want to understand myself, what got me to here, what drove an amazing girl to want nothing to do with me, what I can do to improve myself, where I'm going, who I am, and will we ever see eye to eye again etc.

 

Also, thinking of it as a battle is all from the Ego and that is so unhealthy.

[sinnister]

Despite all of my feelings etc. I don't want to think of it as a battle. I want to understand myself, what got me to here, what drove an amazing girl to want nothing to do with me, what I can do to improve myself, where I'm going, who I am, and will we ever see eye to eye again etc.

 

Also, thinking of it as a battle is all from the Ego and that is so unhealthy.

 

Ever thought ure being a little too hard on yourself?

[EgoJoe]

I don't want to be ignorant, selfish, misogynistic, chauvenistic, materialistic or violent.

 

The only way I can get through these barriers is through understanding and expression. I also don't want to be weak, not in the eyes of others, but, period. The only person I can hold accountable is me so I will do that to the full extent of my ability.

[sinnister]

A little ego is good for a man...what the hell do you think most girls leave the "nice guys" for? Ego sparks ambition...motivation..yes, you can't be these things w/o straying into d--kland...but that's the battle...n for most girls as long as you're not verbally, emotionally or physically abusive..they'll rather have that battle than how many games this nerd can finish lol. Even if I am a warrior poet/under-nerd. You're always are going to be at a point of personal growth...unfortunately, it about finding the right complement to keep that drive maximized...and perpetual. Fear of loss, stagnation imo is healthy...but so is being praised for your efforts, growth, traits...as fewer people r wont to do to fear "stroking that ego". IDK man...just keep living, if you can..I'm finding that part the hardest right now, lol.

[sinnister]

I don't want to be ignorant, selfish, misogynistic, chauvenistic, materialistic or violent.

 

The only way I can get through these barriers is through understanding and expression. I also don't want to be weak, not in the eyes of others, but, period. The only person I can hold accountable is me so I will do that to the full extent of my ability.

 

But isn't expression "ego"? Again, it's all healthy if you r doing it for the right reasons/heart. I feel I have an obligation to do the most good as possible..w/o being praised at all for those efforts..but I would like to have my body and other things I bring to the table so..and appreciated. People simply fear that doing that messes up/skews the power balance of the r/s..but then want you to compliment them CONSTANTLY...see every thing that makes them beautiful...makes them them..makes them tick. The ones that are able to do that with expression and understanding...need it too sometimes...and need a little benefit of doubt when we stumble and make mistakes. I mean, we have so much we have to try to do in so limited a time span...but we're able to carry someone else if need be...be their universe...even though we really shouldn't...n we end up getting the bad ones, lol. It's just keep on knowing what's important and go there with your dreams while your reality keeps you here....trying to get a woman that you know CAN complete you to appreciate you. You win both ways then, hopefully..but even not, you keep learning yourself.

 

But it's not idle platitudes/musings. I know what you mean...I was tired of just plotting...slaving..working on myself, charting it all out. I had my engines ready, course laid and charted and was just about to fire them off...then someone tells me that was there when I made those plans...loved the planning and deference to her approaches/pace/input...that the blueprint of my **** wasn't even right...nothing I did made sense and I was Capt Ahab....because she lost the plot/confidence. It's just so much improvement w/o results a thinker can do....so much wheel spinning w/o movement. That's what the Ego tries to protect you from...the assertiveness...even if in abundance can cause harm. But if we consider Freudian ego...the modern world has also suppressed too much of the Ego as well...or allowed us to see only the crooked able to express..so some of us desire it..or want more people to explore their inner insanity...and that's another battle. We're always improving/calibrating...at least the ones that matter r. We just need that partner..I'm not going to say I don't..how am I going to seriously compete with at least 2 billion happily married, working together partners...limpin around when everything else can be fine...over these kind of failures. Also what the Ego wanted to protect us from.

Edited June 1, 2011 by sinnister

[EgoJoe]

Ego leads to these types of miscommunication and I'm not sure if all expression is egostical.

[EgoJoe]

Meant to say egotistical above It was a hasty reply.

[sinnister]

Meant to say egotistical above It was a hasty reply.

 

Egotistical is a pattern of aggressive/negative ego..but all outward expression is the expression of an Ego (not Freudal..but in some cases, that too). Without Ego, you'd be a sheepie.

[sinnister]

<---- This guy is a sheep.

 

bbbbbbaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

 

Ure def not a sheep. Again, egotism is the religion of being a dick for being a man, usually to cover up obvious faults/insecurities. But you NEED an Ego, to keep from being a scared mouse, unable to separate themselves from the crowd out of fear of having to lead/be consistent.

[sinnister]

Oh damn, I substitued Ego for Id..lol. That's egotism, lol.