How do I......

[marriagesucks]

I was talking to male friend about some problems I am having in my marriage. He told me that I shouldnt allow my husband to do the things to me that he does. I told him that I believe I've done all I can do. When my husband does something I dont like, I always tell him what he did wrong and how it made me feel, and that I would like if he didnt do it anymore.

 

My question is, how else can I not 'allow' him to mistreat me??

 

The only thing I can think of is to tell what is that has done wrong, tell him how it makes me feel, and then express to him that he should stop. And if he decides not to stop, then I should leave him.

 

Is there another way to do this?? I cant think of one.

[sassygal]

I don't know what type of marriage problems your dealing with but there is no excuse for him to be treating you badly. If your husband has done something to hurt you or upset you and you tell him he should be listenening to you. If you love someone you in no way should want to hurt them or see them in pain for any reason. I'm sorry that your going through this, hope I can be of help.

 

I was in a 6 yr relationship with a man who was always treating me badly. Cussing at me, accusing me of things, having people stalk me, the list goes on and on from here. I finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. He was trying to break my spirit down and I decided that I couldn't alow that anymore. I had neglected my friends and family because of this man jealously and insecurities. He wouldn't let me out of the house without him because he was afraid of who I would run into or that I may leave and never come back. I never cheated on this man NOT EVEN ONCE within the 6 yrs we were together and he still thought I was always up to know good. We lived together so it was like we were married without the marriage license to prrof it. I did everything a married women does for her husband. I cooked, cleaned, did all his laundry and never got any appreciation for anything I did. He always told me he loved me and would die without me and I believed him.

 

The point of what I'm saying is that he never changed. We would have talks about his behavior and it would get better for a while and then eventually it would go back to the way it was. Life is too short to be unhappy. Try a sit down with him. If he wants your relationship to work out he will give you his full attention. Good luck!

[Butterfly_Queen]

Hi, There's no excuse for someone mistreating someone in my book. I think you have done the right thing by telling him how you feel when he does something or says something that is hurtful Thats communication, and thats a good thing. With him not stopping what hes doing though, not only is that disrespectful but hes got a problem. its called a "control thing" or a "power trip". Not only that, but hes obviously getting something out of it or he wouldn't keep doing it. What hes getting out of it, is the control, the power, that no matter what you say or how you feel he's gonna keep on doing it.

 

 

 

I wouldn't allow myself to be used that way, I don't think anyone should. He doesn't respect you at all, if he did he wouldn't keep doing this. I would either say to him that you're giving him an ultimatium(which sometimes isnt good) that he either stops or you'll leave. Once you tell him this though, and if he doesn't stop, then if you don't leave after saying that, then he will think you're just blowing in the wind. Follow through with what you say. Best of luck.

[FolderWife]

Any kind of ongoing mistreating is abuse. If he's abusive, then there may be no way to stop him. My husband is verbally abusive, but we are working on it (at least I am).

 

If I tell my husband something hurts me, he will take pains to not do it, until he gets mad at me.

 

Then that's the first thing he does.

 

For instance, the first day we were married, I told him that the only thing I ask him to NEVER call me is stupid. NEVER CALL ME STUPID.

 

Guess what he calls me on a daily basis now? I'm stupid for letting the door shut to hard, I'm stupid for not doing the dishes, I'm stupid for running out of gas so fast, I'm stupid because the dog peed in the floor.

 

I have told him HUNDREDS of times that he can call me ANYTHING else, but stop calling me stupid. He says, "Well quit being stupid, and I'll quit calling you stupid."

 

I've quit asking. I still get defensive when he calls me stupid.

 

My sister gave me a barbie doll a few months after we got married. It meant a lot to me, because she gave it to me. It was a used Barbie, but I was wanting a Barbie SO BAD after I got married, so she gave me one of her old ones.

 

My husband and I had a big fight (I don't even remember what all happened, or what it was about) and I hid his DVD remote, and Playstation game. I dont' know why, I was being immature. He called me at work, demanding to know where they were. When I refused to tell him, he said, "If you don't tell me, stuff's gonna happen...it's already started." I asked what kind of stuff, but I knew he meant he was going to break my stuff. So I told him.

 

I came home, and found my TV remote broken on the floor. I was so angry about that, that I didn't look for anything else broken. I just hid his stuff, but he BROKE mine. The next day, I noticed that my Barbie was missing. I asked him what he did with her, and he kept insisting that he hadn't seen her. I looked the house top to bottom for her. A few weeks later, I asked him again what he did with her, and he said he threw her away. I asked why, and he said, "Because I'd broken her arm and her leg." I said "I don't care, she could've been fixed!" He said, "I didn't want to hurt you."

 

See, he broke it to hurt me, but once he realized how upset I'd be, he covered it up.

 

When you live with someone that when they get angry, don't fight to fix the matter, but fight to HURT you, then you have to guard yourself. Anything he does to hurt you, you have to make sure to act like it doesn't bother you. Any favorite item you own, you have to make sure he doesn't think it means anything to you. Anything you REALLY love, you need to give away.

 

I loved my bird, but he hated her. I gave her away a week ago, to protect her, because I'm afraid he's going to get angry at me, she's going to make a sound, and he's going to hurt or kill her. I told him of this, and he insisted that he'd never be so cruel, but when he loses control, I don't know what he's capable of. Anything of MINE is at risk when he's angry at me.

 

You may be able to tell your husband what hurts you, and he may not do it any more. If you find more and more that whatever he learns hurts you is what he does when he's mad, then you'd do best to not let him know what hurts you.

 

My husband one time got angry at me for crying. We had been fighting over something, and he called me at work. I started to tell him what a jerk he was, but he didn't want to talk over the phone. By the time I got home, I didn't feel like talking to him. I was too angry at him, that I didn't care about him at all. He wanted to talk, but I didn't, so he got upset, and kept doing and saying things to make me cry. I could tell! I wouldn't cry. He broke my alarm clock. he told me that I had to sleep on the couch. He told me that he wanted a divorce. He did all of this to make me cry. When he saw that he couldn't get to me, he busted open the door to the bathroom (I was taking a bath) and demanded to know why I didn't want to talk to him. I lied and told him that I was tired, and didn't feel like talking. I wanted to say, "YOU FREAKIN JERK! WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE LIKE YOU! SOMEONE WHO DOES AND SAYS THINGS JUST TO HURT ME, THEN WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT, AND EXPECTS YOUR STUPID APOLOGY TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER! IT'S NOT BETTER! I'M STILL BROKEN HEARTED THAT THE MAN I LOVE TREATS ME THIS WAY!!! IT'S NOT BETTER! I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! I WANT TO HATE YOU! I WANT TO LEAVE YOU! I WANT TO BREAK ALL YOUR STUFF INCLUDING YOUR HEART, SO YOU'LL KNOW HOW I FEEL, BUT IF I DO THAT, I'M AFRAID YOU'LL BEAT THE HELL OUT OF ME!! THAT'S WHY I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!! I'M SCARED OF YOU!!! I WANT TO LOVE YOU, BUT I DON'T! I HATE YOU! I'M SCARED OF YOU! YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!!!!!! I'M STUCK LIVING THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH A CONTROLLING, MANIPULITIVE, UNCARING MAN, UNLESS I WANT TO BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, AND RIGHT NOW, I'M CONSIDERING IT!!!! SO GET OUT OF MY FACE, BEFORE I THROW THIS BAR OF SOAP AT YOU, YOU IDIOT!" but I didn't say that. I protected the REST of my stuff, and told him I was tired.

[PoppySeed]

Monday, Girl my heart goes out to you too, get outta that marriage. I know, thats easier said than done. I hate to hear of things like that, it breaks my heart. I have a friend, that her and her husband fuss all the time. They do it when I'm on the phone and everything. He'll call her this and that, I'm like "shut the f..K up azz....! The only thing I know as to why people do that kinda thing, is a power trip. makes them feel big and bad. Something happened along the way of their up bringing to make them feel its ok to do that to people. Sometimes I think they need a dose of their own medicine.

 

Anyway, I wish you and anyone else in this kind of situation luck and hopefully those that are doing this to you all will get help or something. I look at it like this, I know this may sound ugly but its no uglier than what they are doing, and that is the old saying, "What goes around, comes around". Its true too.