Broken up due to long distance but feelings are still there!

[monsieursmee]

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 5 years. We met at a summer camp, the summer before my senior year of high school and his freshman year of college. Our permanent homes are across the country and we did long distance for a year. Miraculously, I ended up attending the same college and we had an incredible 4 additional years together. I have graduated and moved back home for good, and our chances of seeing each other again is slim. We mutually broke up, but still talk everyday online, but don’t say what we used to (for example: “I love you”), it’s very weird and pains me but we’re best friends and these feelings don’t just disappear because of distance. We both don’t know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[heartshaped]

Neither of you is willing to move to close the distance?

[monsieursmee]

I'm going to attend graduate school for 2 years at home and he still has a year of graduate school left to complete across the country. We also don't have jobs yet.

[heartshaped]

I suppose what I'm trying to get at is the two of you aren't willing to be long distance until which time you could close the distance? I don't mean right this second, but some time in the future. You said the chances of the two of you seeing each other again is slim, but why is that? If you've dated each other for nearly five years and are in love I don't see why you couldn't make this work as well if one of you or both is willing to move in the future after school is finished and jobs are secured.

 

My boyfriend and I were only long distance for a month or so at first then were close distance for a year and now have been long distance for yet another year. We will be long distance for another six months before closing the distance- maybe longer if I'm not able to transfer schools. If so, then we'll wait until I finish my degree and be together. It's not ideal, but it's better than being apart.

[monsieursmee]

This is the first time we are doing long distance without any hope. If we were doing distance, it was during summer breaks but we would always see each other in the fall again. School was our security point of seeing each other. Since we've never done long distance without knowing if we will see each other again, we don't know what to do. He said after he finishes school he would want to move to my area and find a job but being a musician, that is rather difficult and expensive. He said that he doesn't want to promise me anything especially if him moving here doesn't work out, and that I deserve better than him giving me hope but have it not work out in the end. But shouldn't 2 people in love want to stay together regardless? We talk every day and some days are harder than others, and call each other "best friends" it's very awkward and painful to get used to. I am miserable and depressed but still want to continue talking with him every day. I also want to get back together, but I don't know if that's just me being depressed right now because if we do get back together, I don't know how much harder this will turn out to be. Please help.

[HeavenOrHell]

If there's really no way the two of you can be together, then it is probably best to have no contact for a while a least. It's impossible, in most cases but not all, to be able to move on from the r/ship while you are still in close contact with them, the feelings remain until you let go. No reason why you couldn't be friends after a while though.

Heartbreaking situation, I feel sad for you, and one I would hate to have to face, and I hope I never have to

[monsieursmee]

Thank you for your response. I think we are both not wanting to move on so that's why we do not want to stop communicating and we're each others best friends. Although we would like to be together, we think it will be too difficult and stressful which will bring us down even more. We are still important parts of each others lives and are there for each other always. The only reason for our break up is distance. We had a secure, healthy relationship and this is hard because I can't find one thing in our relationship that was memorably disappointing or negative. Hopefully, one day we will be back together. I believe everything happens for a reason and if he is my one true love it will work out in the end.

[Lucky_One]

I don't get why you simply didn't transition into "LDR". You are only talking about one year of your lives before he can move to where you are. Yes, it sounds like a lot of time, but honestly, it can go by very quickly. And if you save your money, then there is zero reason why you can't have a few visits during that year. And in TWO years, you both would be free to move wherever the two of you can find jobs.

 

In the meantime, both of you need to find a part-time job and start saving for your next plane ticket!

 

I am seeing a lot of perfectly good baby thrown out with some bathwater.

[wild_urge]

I don't get why you simply didn't transition into "LDR". You are only talking about one year of your lives before he can move to where you are. Yes, it sounds like a lot of time, but honestly, it can go by very quickly. And if you save your money, then there is zero reason why you can't have a few visits during that year. And in TWO years, you both would be free to move wherever the two of you can find jobs.

 

In the meantime, both of you need to find a part-time job and start saving for your next plane ticket!

 

I am seeing a lot of perfectly good baby thrown out with some bathwater.

 

I agree. How can you just break up after 5 years of being together ? And not even try ? Get your stuff together, you can do this, we are all doing it, it's not impossible and you will not regret it !

[monsieursmee]

I was up for trying, but he thinks it will be too difficult without seeing each other regularly. We've talked about what to do for a long time, and things already got awkward right when I left. Because I felt the difficulty of this situation, I suggested we should be friends before things got harder and he agreed. He feels very strongly about not doing long distance without any hope. It was fine when we were both 17 and 18 but now at 22 and 23 we think differently. But now I feel like I'm about to have nervous breakdowns. I don't even know if I want to get back together at this point. This is not a normal breakup, and I don't know how to deal. I have strict parents that won't let me move wherever my boyfriend gets a job and I would like to stay close to home and find a job near my hometown. I feel like I can't talk about this to him because it might get harder, and I feel like I'm the only one with the issues, is he already over me? I don't understand. I feel like the only depressed pathetic one in this situation.