recent breakup NEED help

[Brayden]

To whoever can help me, i have recently broke up with my girlfriend of over a year and it hurt more than anything i have ever felt in my life. In the beginning she pursued me and we finally hooked up. It was true love from the beginning. We had a GREAT relationship for a year. In the beginning she told me she loved me after about two months together. I, on the other hand, held off on saying anything like that until i was sure. I had never really loved any of my previous girlfriends, but she was the first girl i really loved. When i told her this she was soooo happy. Then she started hinting at when am i gonna propose. at first i kinda blew it off, saying "whoa whoa whoa" We had only been going out 4 months. She also mentioned we should move in together, but i thought it was still a littel soon. After spending so much time together i came to the conclusion that i really can seen myself marrying this girl. I told her this, and she was happy. I also said that i had found my jackpot, and i kept telling her i can see myself with her for the rest of my life. We were defenitely best freinds. We decided after 10 montsh together to move in. All of a sudden about a month prior to moving in she started to become distant. She told me last weekend that she has strong feelings for another guy she works with. and thought we should break up. We had no serious arguemtns in our history, she got along with all my friends and i got along with all her friends. She still loves me, but not quite as a "boyfriend" as much as she did, but she does with this new guy. I have to let her go figure out she has made the worst decision of her life, but man does it hurt! She wants to stay friends because she cant live without her best friend. I told her, i cant do it. She said i didnt do ANYTHING wrong, it is just her feelings for this other guy are too strong to ignore. My heart wants me to fight for her with everything i've got, but my head says let her go, she has to figure it out on herself. I THINK : she enjoyed being in control of the FUTURE of the relationship and when i started saying how comfortable i was with out future together, it might've scared her. She was married before but she knows i am not religious so i dont care if i never get married. I just wanted to be with her for a long time. Sorry to be so long winded but it feels good to get it off my chest.

 

If ANYONE has ANY advice, please respond.. Thanx all...

[Tony T]

This girl is pretty unstable. She was the one who initially wanted to get close, move in, etc. You were playing your cards right.

 

I don't think you had anything to do with this other guy. As a matter of fact, I don't even know if I buy her story that there is really even another guy but that doesn't matter.

 

No, you can't be her friend. She knows how much you care about her and she wants to keep you on a string just in case things in life don't work out for her. She can keep bouncing back to you in between romantic interludes. That is simply something you don't need.

 

Get away from her, enjoy the memories, and go on with your life. This girl will be problems for anybody she is with. She has no since of committment and my guess is that she has a troubled past, particulary in her childhood. She will be nothing but trouble for you, as a friend or anything else.

 

I know you are still in love with her and you have been hurt. It could take you a while to get over it. It really sounds like she manipulated the hell out of you and, frankly, I am kind of pissed off at her. She did you dirty by encouraging you to give so much of yourself and then abandoning you at the end.

 

No matter what her problem is, you don't need to make it yours. There are just too many wonderfully nice girls out there that can help make you very happy. Go find them!!!

[Braydden]

Thanx Tony... i came to the same conclusion myself. There IS another guy though, i have met him a couple times. He KNEW she and i were moving in together and still he pryed his way in, and busted up a great realtionship. EVERYONE she and I know, especially her friends, are questioning his integrity, as do I. Will she realize someday that everything she was looking for in a long term relationship is with me, or am I just dreaming. I am NOT going to sit around a wait for her by any means, but it will take me a while to get back into the singles scene. I just hope he doesnt break her heart. I just wish we couldve tried to work it out instead of her dropping this news on me one day and then saying we should break up the next. Didnt give me a chance to help her figure it out.

 

She is "going against everything she believes to be logical", those are HER words, but she said she has to figure this out. Going against, her sister, her friends, and her co-workers. I just wish we couldve sat down and got one session of conselling..i think that wouldve really helped...

 

Thanx again for your help...

[Tony T]

You write: "He KNEW she and i were moving in together and still he pryed his way in, and busted up a great realtionship. EVERYONE she and I know, especially her friends, are questioning his integrity, as do I."

 

He didn't pry in or bust up anything. She allowed it to happen. You need to question her integrity, not his. All of your days on the planet will be filled by worms like this guy. We have to have mates who are trustworthy and strong of character to be able to resist this kind of crap.

 

If she was so weak that another guy could just come in and scoop her up, more than likely if it wouldn't have been this guy it would have been another. She is simply too wishy washy to have in your life and I hope you will one day see that. Frankly, I think this is bizarre.

 

Don't even wait around. You will never trust her again in your entire lifetime. I hope you will make her history as of today.

[Dragonflys]

Hey Brayyden

 

What you ex did to you was a horrible, and I sympathise with you wholeheartedly. I know to some degree what has happened to you. I ask you to give your ex the benefit of the doubt, be thankful it ended here...

 

Forgive her, but that does not necessarily mean you have to be her friend or keep her in your life at all, you need to protect your heart.

 

My ex told me exactly the same thing...YOU DID NOTHING WRONG

 

Where's the logic in that?

 

Well, what I learned from my relatiosnhip was that logic is not the deciding factor.

 

As mentioned in one of Tony's replies below, something in human nature seems causes us to be attracted to a partner that SEEMS a challenge to us, and the power of that attraction is not necessarily fuelled many aspect such as sincerity, integrity, sensitivity, or many other aspects of our personality makeup thats are good and logical.

 

For some, the power of this attraction is far stronger than any other aspect. I cannot explain it except to say it is a part of human nature.

 

But take solace in the fact that there will be many women out there who do not necassarily feel this way, and many who will find your personality makeup a challenge to them.

[jacquee]

To whoever can help me, i have recently broke up with my girlfriend of over a year and it hurt more than anything i have ever felt in my life. In the beginning she pursued me and we finally hooked up. It was true love from the beginning. We had a GREAT relationship for a year. In the beginning she told me she loved me after about two months together. I, on the other hand, held off on saying anything like that until i was sure. I had never really loved any of my previous girlfriends, but she was the first girl i really loved. When i told her this she was soooo happy. Then she started hinting at when am i gonna propose. at first i kinda blew it off, saying "whoa whoa whoa" We had only been going out 4 months. She also mentioned we should move in together, but i thought it was still a littel soon. After spending so much time together i came to the conclusion that i really can seen myself marrying this girl. I told her this, and she was happy. I also said that i had found my jackpot, and i kept telling her i can see myself with her for the rest of my life. We were defenitely best freinds. We decided after 10 montsh together to move in. All of a sudden about a month prior to moving in she started to become distant. She told me last weekend that she has strong feelings for another guy she works with. and thought we should break up. We had no serious arguemtns in our history, she got along with all my friends and i got along with all her friends. She still loves me, but not quite as a "boyfriend" as much as she did, but she does with this new guy. I have to let her go figure out she has made the worst decision of her life, but man does it hurt! She wants to stay friends because she cant live without her best friend. I told her, i cant do it. She said i didnt do ANYTHING wrong, it is just her feelings for this other guy are too strong to ignore. My heart wants me to fight for her with everything i've got, but my head says let her go, she has to figure it out on herself. I THINK : she enjoyed being in control of the FUTURE of the relationship and when i started saying how comfortable i was with out future together, it might've scared her. She was married before but she knows i am not religious so i dont care if i never get married. I just wanted to be with her for a long time. Sorry to be so long winded but it feels good to get it off my chest. If ANYONE has ANY advice, please respond.. Thanx all...

that's about it jaffe..........fell in lve with another--go pick up all the shattered shards of your purple heart......i'm gonna use whatcha told me all about cuase all is fair in love and WAR!!!!

[jacquee]

You write: "He KNEW she and i were moving in together and still he pryed his way in, and busted up a great realtionship. EVERYONE she and I know, especially her friends, are questioning his integrity, as do I." He didn't pry in or bust up anything. She allowed it to happen. You need to question her integrity, not his. All of your days on the planet will be filled by worms like this guy. We have to have mates who are trustworthy and strong of character to be able to resist this kind of crap.

 

If she was so weak that another guy could just come in and scoop her up, more than likely if it wouldn't have been this guy it would have been another. She is simply too wishy washy to have in your life and I hope you will one day see that. Frankly, I think this is bizarre. Don't even wait around. You will never trust her again in your entire lifetime. I hope you will make her history as of today. I;m laughting my ass off jaffe.............but you did bring it on yourself ya know..why worry now..

[Brayden]

Thanx all.... i appreciate all the advice.

 

Brayden

Hey Brayyden What you ex did to you was a horrible, and I sympathise with you wholeheartedly. I know to some degree what has happened to you. I ask you to give your ex the benefit of the doubt, be thankful it ended here... Forgive her, but that does not necessarily mean you have to be her friend or keep her in your life at all, you need to protect your heart.

 

My ex told me exactly the same thing...YOU DID NOTHING WRONG Where's the logic in that? Well, what I learned from my relatiosnhip was that logic is not the deciding factor. As mentioned in one of Tony's replies below, something in human nature seems causes us to be attracted to a partner that SEEMS a challenge to us, and the power of that attraction is not necessarily fuelled many aspect such as sincerity, integrity, sensitivity, or many other aspects of our personality makeup thats are good and logical.

 

For some, the power of this attraction is far stronger than any other aspect. I cannot explain it except to say it is a part of human nature.

 

But take solace in the fact that there will be many women out there who do not necassarily feel this way, and many who will find your personality makeup a challenge to them.

[Paulie]

The original poster wrote that he doesn't want this new guy to break her heart. This isn't your duty to guard her heart. Nobody ever put you in charge of her, or her sleazy heart. My therapist, who used to be a monk, told me a story about an incident some years back, when he was in the monastery. See if you can see the relavance to my point with you not being in charge of your girlfriend:

 

My therapist (we'll call him patrick) lived on a monastary, which so happens to be situated on a farm. There were pigs, chickens, sheep, etc. there. This was a very strict monastic order, and talking was essentially prohibited--you just prayed and worked all day. You could obviously talk in the event of an emergency. Well, they were all in prayer one day, and my therapist saw one of the pigs in extreme distress. He called the father monk, "father, father...the pig..." The wise father monk said "Brother Patrick...did anybody put you in charge of the pigs?" Brother Partick shook his head "no," and the father monk gestured to him to return to prayer.

[Tony T]

I'm normally fairly perceptive but I really didn't understand the point of the story about the monk. I'm sure the wise father was great but it doesn't take an Oxford scholar to ask someone who put them in charge of the pigs."

 

I know what you were driving at. And you are right. This guy has no reason to watch out for his ex and the destruction her new boyfriend can cause. His concern is basically lip service to keep his connection going with his ex.

 

Please, now...who took care of the pigs...or were they left to untangle themselves from the electric fence all by themselves???

[Deejette]

It sounds like you care that this new guy might hurt her. It would be good if he did. She needs to learn what it feels like to be hurt, just as she has hurt you. I don't think this was a good relationship for you because it wasn't even your idea to begin with. She wormed her way into your heart and life but it wasn't your first impulse to pursue her. You will see, when you meet a real woman with character and compassion that this relationship was never meant to be and you will be glad that you did not get stuck with Miss Fickle.

[Paulie]

I think they just let the pig die...so what...fresh pork chops.

 

[Deejette]

I think that many guys and girls erroneously care whether the new person will break their exes' hearts. This is a strange phenomenon that I have observed and I can only think it is the misplaced kindness of a martyr. The girl doesn't carea bout your heart and there you are caring about hers. I would hope rather, that the dude does break her heart so she can feel what it's like and not be so quick to do it again.

I'm normally fairly perceptive but I really didn't understand the point of the story about the monk. I'm sure the wise father was great but it doesn't take an Oxford scholar to ask someone who put them in charge of the pigs." I know what you were driving at. And you are right. This guy has no reason to watch out for his ex and the destruction her new boyfriend can cause. His concern is basically lip service to keep his connection going with his ex. Please, now...who took care of the pigs...or were they left to untangle themselves from the electric fence all by themselves???