OM Wants to Resume R, I Don't

[weedsandposies]

With the exception of a few meetings, we have been broken up for over 3 months now. Yesterday OM breaks NC to say he misses me and we need to get back together.

 

Certainly I was happy he contacted me but today not so much. I don't want this roller coaster emotional ride. I don't trust him. And hardly believe him when he tells me how he feels. This is the reason I broke it off.

 

How do I make him maintain NC short of a restraining order? He contacts me on a business phone that I can't change or block him from.

 

I'm beginning to fear OM might contact H. That would be a disaster all around.

[2sure]

Not OM but MM I knew years ago sporadically contact me years after the fact. Do not respond. There is nothing worse than having to reject someone over and over again.

[Mimolicious]

With the exception of a few meetings, we have been broken up for over 3 months now. Yesterday OM breaks NC to say he misses me and we need to get back together.

 

Certainly I was happy he contacted me but today not so much. I don't want this roller coaster emotional ride. I don't trust him. And hardly believe him when he tells me how he feels. This is the reason I broke it off.

 

How do I make him maintain NC short of a restraining order? He contacts me on a business phone that I can't change or block him from.

 

I'm beginning to fear OM might contact H. That would be a disaster all around.

 

You were happy? Is it an ego thing?

 

How are you going to really keep this from your H when let's say OM blows off his cap and does something irrational? Be careful, this is how people snap. Rejection is the biggest aphrodisiac but it sure triggers the looney in people.

[ShatteredReality]

Just tell him you can't handle it right now and please respect your need for space...tell him if he can't do that then he obviously doesn't love you as much as he claims to and his missing you is truly a selfish need and he doesn't even consider your own....Does your H know about the A?? If not...if you're worried he will find out it's better coming from you. I would say it might be time for your own D day if he doesn't know. That way you will take away his only leverage and can truly work on the healing process.

[whichwayisup]

With the exception of a few meetings, we have been broken up for over 3 months now. Yesterday OM breaks NC to say he misses me and we need to get back together.

 

Certainly I was happy he contacted me but today not so much. I don't want this roller coaster emotional ride. I don't trust him. And hardly believe him when he tells me how he feels. This is the reason I broke it off.

 

How do I make him maintain NC short of a restraining order? He contacts me on a business phone that I can't change or block him from.

 

I'm beginning to fear OM might contact H. That would be a disaster all around.

 

I take it your H doesn't know you've had an affair? If so, then now might be the time you come clean and tell your H the truth. Better for you to tell him than the OM. If the OM really wants you, plans on 'fighting' for you, then there's nothing you can do from stopping him from telling your H.. Just something to think about.

 

Just don't answer the phone if he calls, let the machine answer.

[JaneyAmazed]

I know you don't want to hear this but you need to tell your H. I read your other post and this affair is not over and your marriage cannot survive lies and deceit.

 

By confessing your marriage may end but you have to understand your cheating caused this not honesty.

 

 

This is far from over but please consider changing your attitude towards this

 

I agree with this completely.

[weedsandposies]

You were happy? Is it an ego thing?

 

How are you going to really keep this from your H when let's say OM blows off his cap and does something irrational? Be careful, this is how people snap. Rejection is the biggest aphrodisiac but it sure triggers the looney in people.

 

i was happy because i missed him too.

 

what do you mean by rejection is the biggest aphrodisiac?

[ShatteredReality]

i was happy because i missed him too.

 

what do you mean by rejection is the biggest aphrodisiac?

 

I'll take a stab at that - rejection makes a man (or woman sometimes) want you even more. It gives them a challenge...you reject him so now he must win over your affection...once he does he will feel accomplished. This isn't a foolproof thing or 100% or anything, but it seems to have a pattern that works...esp with Affair situations.

[weedsandposies]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

About a week ago I attempted to tell H about A. He nearly flipped the table. So I took it back and told him I was giving a hypothetical.

 

I CANNOT TELL H. for many reasons I can't post here. It's better to just walk away from the M. But our R has been so much better recently. Things are working out and we're finally making things work. Why would I leave?

 

OM and I have known each other half our lives, since late teens. And have very similar backgrounds. It's tough for him maybe more. I've told him he needs to find someone special for himself. He's very attached to me. Says I was there for him from the beginning.

 

It breaks my heart. I don't know how to handle this.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

About a week ago I attempted to tell H about A. He nearly flipped the table. So I took it back and told him I was giving a hypothetical.

 

That is not a good enough reason to NOT tell your H the truth of you cheating on him. So WHAT if he gets angry and flips the table! He is entitled to be upset, devastated, feel betrayed, hurt, even hate you. Sorry but this is how betrayed spouses feel after being cheated upon by their spouse.

 

I CANNOT TELL H. for many reasons I can't post here. It's better to just walk away from the M. But our R has been so much better recently. Things are working out and we're finally making things work. Why would I leave?

 

But it's all based on a lie. Why would you leave? Because you still want the OM ,and the affair. Someone said it, the A is far from over.. I'm not sure if you are strong enough to fight off the OM if he contiually contacts you, tries to see you, woo you, romance you, say all the things that make you want him.

 

You can't change unless you've suffered consquences..I mean really feel them and own your choices and behaviour. Right now you're under the radar, not having to deal with anything except missing your OM. You haven't had to deal with the fallout, or having to explain yourself, LOOK yourself in the mirror.

 

Why are you and your H 'finally' working things out? Why is everything better? What changed? You putting more effort in? Spending more time at home? Your H paying more attention to you?

 

If your H finds out on his own, and there's a BIG chance he will, I'm sure he's already suspicious as it is, you telling the 'what if I cheated' game with him has probably opened his eyes and he's wondering.. This is something that more than likely now is in his head, wondering if you cheated.

 

OM and I have known each other half our lives, since late teens. And have very similar backgrounds. It's tough for him maybe more. I've told him he needs to find someone special for himself. He's very attached to me. Says I was there for him from the beginning.

 

But you are married, and the OM knew this. You two brought this on yourselves by having an affair. It doesn't matter how long you've known him, or been friends with him..All that is out the window since he is (or recently was) your affair partner. Once the A is TOTALLY OVER, you and the OM cannot be friends..At all. NC and it's goodbye forever, unless you divorce your H and go be with your OM.

 

It breaks my heart. I don't know how to handle this.

 

I'm sure it does.

 

Seek counselling. We can advise you and give you tons of advice, but it's up to you to do something to change..Change the situation, change yourself, and be honest. Can you sleep peacefully at night, knowing that your H more than likely will find out on his own?

 

As I said earlier, if your OM wants you, there's a good chance he'll tell your H..To make 'something' happen, either way to END the A forever, or in hopes your H will divorce you and then the OM can have you to himself.

[waytogo]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

About a week ago I attempted to tell H about A. He nearly flipped the table. So I took it back and told him I was giving a hypothetical.

 

I CANNOT TELL H. for many reasons I can't post here. It's better to just walk away from the M. But our R has been so much better recently. Things are working out and we're finally making things work. Why would I leave?

 

OM and I have known each other half our lives, since late teens. And have very similar backgrounds. It's tough for him maybe more. I've told him he needs to find someone special for himself. He's very attached to me. Says I was there for him from the beginning.

 

It breaks my heart. I don't know how to handle this.

 

Dear, if this man goes to you H when you won't, you have much less chance of saving your M. I sense you still have an attatchment to OM. This is also an obsitcle to your M. It's doody or off the pot time. I don't know your other reasons for not telling your H, but if OM does it for you it will be much worse.

Edited May 20, 2011 by waytogo

[whichwayisup]

Dear, if this man goes to you H when you won't, you have much less chance of saving your M. I sense you still have an attatchment to OM. This is also an obsitcle to your M. It's doody or off the pot time. I don't know your other reasons for not telling your H, but if OM does it for you it will be much worse.

 

And we all know from seeing it on the news, people can do things they normally wouldn't do when pushed past their emotional limit.

 

Crimes of passion! It happens all the time!

[ShatteredReality]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

About a week ago I attempted to tell H about A. He nearly flipped the table. So I took it back and told him I was giving a hypothetical.

 

I CANNOT TELL H. for many reasons I can't post here. It's better to just walk away from the M. But our R has been so much better recently. Things are working out and we're finally making things work. Why would I leave?

 

OM and I have known each other half our lives, since late teens. And have very similar backgrounds. It's tough for him maybe more. I've told him he needs to find someone special for himself. He's very attached to me. Says I was there for him from the beginning.

 

It breaks my heart. I don't know how to handle this.

 

When I told my H about my A I thought for sure he'd smack me around. He has never been physically abusive, but verbally and emotionally yes - for years he was. I was afraid of his response...but I knew that the moment I had the affair I had chosen to leave my marriage or at the very least deal with the consequences of my actions. I am a firm believer that the truth always finds a way to come out and secrets are almost always revealed. The stress and anxiety that come from trying to keep things buried NEVER pans out to be worth any of it and typically ends in failure to do so. I have a general rule to never say or do anything that I am not willing to later admit to. One evening when OM leaned forward to kiss me I chuckled and pointed to a camera that was pointing straight at us...it was in the parking lot at our work. He backed off and looked at the thing in horror. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he couldn't let that sort of thing be caught on camera...so I realized then that our "secrecy" was a complete mirage. I wound up telling on myself in short order and ending the entire thing.

 

So. If you're that afraid of his response leave. Don't stay because it's what you want because, so long as the affair is a secret you will always return to it. OM will be like a drug...you will crave him and want him and desire him...you will miss him and part of you will feel lonely without him...you need to end it completely by telling your H, or leave your H because either way, someday, somehow, it is going to come out and it will be devastating to you and all you hold dear if it happens on someones terms other than your own.

 

I could go into all the reasons you "owe" it to your H, but I will spare you all of that - there are others willing to take that route...but during the time of an affair you're rarely thinking rationally about how it's affecting your SO. So, it's best to remember that your H WILL find out somehow...and if it's not from you the consequences will be worse than you can imagine.

 

As for OM....well if that relationship is so valuable to you then why aren't you with HIM instead of your H? You will NEVER get over him if you don't go NC. You will ALWAYS pine for him.

[FightClub]

weedsandposies.

 

It's unfortunate your exOM has decided not to respect your wishes of ceasing contact but that's okay, because who is in control of you? You!

 

It saddens me to hear that though, I really hope the best for you in maintaining NC, just try as hard as you can to ignore and monitor who is calling, if you don't recognize a certain number just let it go to voicemail.

 

If it's a voice-mail from exOM, before it even starts playing, delete it, rinse and repeat whenever necessary.

 

Take your life back, make a stand here and...you will not allow him to go any further because you cared enough about him to let him go and work on your marriage.

 

All the best!

 

-FC

[bentnotbroken]

OM holds the ace. He has knowledge that he can use to his advantage or at the very least enough knowledge to make your life a living hell. I can't understand why you would allow someone else to control your life and the life of your husband. That isn't love, that is manipulation. You should be very careful about what is about to happen. Whatever direction that the OM decides to make...you(and your husband by extension)are at his mercy. Nice.

[Breezy Trousers]

With the exception of a few meetings, we have been broken up for over 3 months now. Yesterday OM breaks NC to say he misses me and we need to get back together.

 

Certainly I was happy he contacted me but today not so much. I don't want this roller coaster emotional ride. I don't trust him. And hardly believe him when he tells me how he feels. This is the reason I broke it off.

 

How do I make him maintain NC short of a restraining order? He contacts me on a business phone that I can't change or block him from.

 

I'm beginning to fear OM might contact H. That would be a disaster all around.

 

I don't know your entire story, so bear this in mind. My thoughts --

 

Try not to make too much drama out of this. It's a way of staying in the affair.

 

MM will keep throwing out the fishing line to see if you're still interested -- sometimes for years and even if they're involved with OW. It's about conquering and trolling for narcissistic supply. Once you see it for what it is, it's easy to avoid getting "hooked."

 

He just wants your attention, be it negative or positive. Don't give it to him. If you consistently refuse to take the bait, he'll eventually go away.

[JaneyAmazed]

Thank you for all the replies.

 

About a week ago I attempted to tell H about A. He nearly flipped the table. So I took it back and told him I was giving a hypothetical.

 

I CANNOT TELL H. for many reasons I can't post here. It's better to just walk away from the M. But our R has been so much better recently. Things are working out and we're finally making things work. Why would I leave?

 

OM and I have known each other half our lives, since late teens. And have very similar backgrounds. It's tough for him maybe more. I've told him he needs to find someone special for himself. He's very attached to me. Says I was there for him from the beginning.

 

It breaks my heart. I don't know how to handle this.

 

 

You might be surprised if you tell your husband. Since I've known my husband he's always said if I cheated on him, he would divorce me. He said it so many times. He said it was the one deal breaker that he would not be flexible with. While I was in the affair I knew I couldn't tell him because I was certain he'd divorce me and not give me a chance at all. Then I realized I had too because my life was spinning out of control. As it turns out, when he was faced with the reality, he loved me enough and believed in me enough to stick with me and work on our marriage. I think if you don't tell him, the secret will create distance between you and him. You may not intend for it to be that way, but I know from experience that secrets keep you from having that intimacy (not physical) that everyone should have with a spouse. It's a risk, but the truth will set you free. "Free" doesn't mean free from consequences, but free to live again with no secrets and no betrayal. If you really want your marriage to work, consider telling your husband. I know it's hard, but don't you owe it to him. Would you want him to keep such a secret from you? I don't think you'll find real peace until you tell him. Don't do this to yourself or him.

[JaneyAmazed]

if you truly want to move past the affair' date=' you need to try and figure out what is was that made you start an affair in the first place... each affair is different, so only you can answer that[/b']. It's okay to be hurting, but you also need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on..decide what you want to do and start the process of trying to do it

 

whatever happens, best of luck.

 

 

This is so important. IC helps a lot with this too.

[TurboGirl]

Haven't posted in a while, but PLEASE don't tell your husband.

 

Think you have problems now? Tell your husband and you will really have something to worry about.

 

My therapist told me that if you intend on repairing your marriage and staying, telling your H about your A because you feel guilty or some other selfish reason, only hurts your H and creates even more problems.

[bentnotbroken]

Haven't posted in a while, but PLEASE don't tell your husband.

 

Think you have problems now? Tell your husband and you will really have something to worry about.

 

My therapist told me that if you intend on repairing your marriage and staying, telling your H about your A because you feel guilty or some other selfish reason, only hurts your H and creates even more problems.

 

 

One therapist, one opinion. That certainly isn't what all therapist tell their patients or what all who are studying to do the job are taught. She is already afraid OM will out her, which do you think would be better for her marriage...her telling the truth or someone else telling her BS (and then her lying to cover that up)?

[BB07]

One therapist, one opinion. That certainly isn't what all therapist tell their patients or what all who are studying to do the job are taught. She is already afraid OM will out her, which do you think would be better for her marriage...her telling the truth or someone else telling her BS (and then her lying to cover that up)?

 

 

I agree........OP either needs to fess up and have integrity or walk away from her marriage. I would think that living waiting and wondering when the bomb is going to drop will keep the focus on that aspect and will not allow the op to truly move on and fix herself and/or her marriage.

 

A year ago........I admit I might have said something different, but I've and who I am have changed. I like the new me better.

[Breezy Trousers]

Haven't posted in a while, but PLEASE don't tell your husband.

 

Think you have problems now? Tell your husband and you will really have something to worry about.

 

My therapist told me that if you intend on repairing your marriage and staying, telling your H about your A because you feel guilty or some other selfish reason, only hurts your H and creates even more problems.

 

I have mixed feelings, based on my experience. You have a different situation, Weedsandposies, so I was hesitant to share --

 

I do feel that if you disclose, you are committing to being in the solution rather than the problem. The longer we keep secrets, the longer we are protecting the affair. The sooner we fess up, the sooner we are aligning ourselves with the marriage.

 

But having said that ...

 

I didn't have the affair in the end, but I did tell my husband about my attraction after MM approached me. I naively believed that outing myself would somehow loosen my attraction to MM -- i.e., "you're only as sick as your secrets." Well, it didn't work out the way I hoped. I was still in love fog with MM for a long time after the disclosure.

 

My disclosure just served to make my husband insecure, and he's still a insecure, three years later. Last night I worked late, and he called me four times in two hours to check in. He never used to do that. This is just one example. I feel bad about it. I ended up not having a physical affair, avoiding MM & working on my own issues, but in some ways my husband's life is still impacted as if I did, simply because I disclosed it.

 

A lot of people I respect were shocked that I told my husband. They thought it was stupid. Maybe it was.

 

My husband committed infidelities between 1995-2001 of our 22-year relationship. I don't know * all * the details nor do I want to know. What I know is bad enough. .... I found out through crisis, not open disclosure. If he had sought treatment for his issues on his own -- and not been forced into treatment due to D-Day and my insistence on divorce -- I frankly would still prefer not to know. "Knowing" affected my ability to trust myself & life on many profound levels. It doesn't just affect your marriage, it affects your entire relationship with life and the world in general. Hard to understand unless you've gone through it .... I miss the open, happy trust I used to have before D-Day. That's why I feel badly about my own disclosure making my husband insecure. You can never get that back.

 

My two cents. It's a tough call.

Edited May 21, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[YellowShark]

So I've read through this entire thread and I have to ask the question.

 

Was it all worth it weedsandposies? Was the moments of stolen passion with OM worth all this present grief?

 

I just don't understand it... I guess because this isn't "love," not in my definition... it's pain, anguish, and out-and-out deception on the highest levels.

 

So sad.

[TurningTables]

So I've read through this entire thread and I have to ask the question.

 

Was it all worth it weedsandposies? Was the moments of stolen passion with OM worth all this present grief?

 

I just don't understand it... I guess because this isn't "love," not in my definition... it's pain, anguish, and out-and-out deception on the highest levels.

 

So sad.

 

Wow..that was really harsh yellowshark. You dont know the circumstances in why or how this all began. Everyone makes mistakes and try to muddle through this thing we all call life. I guess you cant see all of us "little people" from that high pedestal your on.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow..that was really harsh yellowshark. You dont know the circumstances in why or how this all began. Everyone makes mistakes and try to muddle through this thing we all call life. I guess you cant see all of us "little people" from that high pedestal your on.

 

 

Here we go:sick:. (new/old poster). An affair is a choice. Each act is a choice, not a mistake. There is no accidental stuff. It is a poor choice, a choice with knockout consequences for some, but still a choice.