OM Wants to Resume R, I Don't

[ladyinlimbo]

Pregnant uh? Manipulative much?? I think it's a crazy idea and this is all gonna blow up in your face. When OM finds out that isn't true, he is going to be that much more pissed off and your husband will hear all about it.

 

I also think you are just covering your own ass by not telling your husband since you refuse to give a good reason here. You have no problem airing the rest of it, so I'm not buying it.

 

My guess isn't that she's wanting to spare her husband's feelings...and she's already clarified that hubby isn't the abusive type.....so I suspect she's not telling him because she's either fearful that he'll divorce her and she'll lose a great lifestyle....or b) there was some kind of prenup signed when they married, one that contained an infidelity clause (eg: if she cheats, she gets nothing). My guess is that her refusal to fess up to hubby isn't for nobel reasons but to cover her a$$/assets.

 

I'm sure that H will not be the least bit crushed if OM decides to cause trouble and spread it around that she's preggers and it gets back to Hubby. Sad when lying comes so easily.

[OldOnTheInside]

Weed, your husband already knows about the A on some level. You've already clued him in by "half-confessing". Odds are, you'll just make him paranoid and insecure by continuing to not tell him outright after laying the seeds of doubt. It is not a good idea to "tease" somebody with half-truths.

 

I haven't read all your posts so I don't know if your husband has cheated on you but let me tell you about my personal experience as a BS. During the entire 3 months of my xW affair, I knew something was "off". Do you know what I mean? It is when you have that feeling of extreme uncertainty and doubt towards your partner and the relationship itself. It is when you know something is wrong but you are unwilling or unable to place your finger on exactly what it is because you hold your partner in such high regard. If she had the courtesy of saying "I'm having an affair" to me immediately during the first month, I wouldn't have felt like a paranoid mess. Maybe your husband feels like this, maybe not. It is something to keep in mind nonetheless.

 

The main reason I generally advocate full disclosure in most of these types of situations (note that I am just a random person on the internet so feel free to take this with a grain of salt) is because the "swallow your guilt and don't tell him because you'll hurt his feelings and end the relationship" attitude is not only extremely condescending towards your partner, but a choice you make that deprives him of his choices.

 

Honestly, I hope you tell your H but I doubt that you will.

[jwi71]

H IS NOT A NUT JOB.

 

Then stop posting things like 'he nearly flipped a table" and "almost drove into a tree". You say this to demonstrate just how bad it would be for him to know all the while clearly and I would deliberately give LS that impression as to why you CAN'T tell.

 

Do not paint that picture, use it as an excuse to continue your lies, then object when we conclude (per your design) that he is "too unstable" to handle it.

 

Spare us. We have all BTDT.

 

And regardless of what you guys are reading I don't want to talk about him here, just please trust me when I tell you telling him is not something I can do. He has never been physically abusive however telling him about A might push him, as with any man, over the edge. I would no longer have control over the situation.

 

Yup. this is what its about: CONTROL.

 

You aren't afraid of him per se, you're afraid once he knows you can no longer manipulate him - which is PRECISELY what you are doing by withholding the truth. You are, by telling lies, obfuscating choices to make in his M...namely to D you. It is not, for him now, an option - but only because he doesn't know. Knowing, gives him that option.

 

You seek to entrap your H in by NOT telling him. To CONTROL his decisions.

 

Its all about control.

 

My take on not telling H is that the M would be over anyway. So why would I go the selfish route and destroy everything good we ever lived and all the nice memories for him when I could just walk away

 

Well, I believe it is just a tad too late to play the "I won't take the selfish way" card - given you cheated which clearly benefited YOU more than your H.

 

Why don't you just up and file for D now then?

 

Because it SEEMS better? Bullshyte.

 

Not only have I seen NOTHING that says you have begun to work on your M, you have in fact, by cheating, made it WORSE.

 

Your M is STILL in crisis mode and you're game-playing (its what you are doing) helps NOTHING.

 

If you WANT your M, my opinion is to confess in MC. No way this emotional barrier can exist between you two and have either one of you claim to have recovered true intimacy. Well, actually, you can...just anesthetize that part of your soul that feels guilt, shame and remorse and you can look him in the eye and easily lie about how you have been nothing but faithful to him.

 

Or, if you are so dead-set against, just file for D and walk away.

 

Also, most of A happened while we were separated and promptly ended when things got better with us. So there's no guilt eating away at me. I'm able to sleep at night.

 

Then tell your H it happened while you were separated. And if you aren't feeling guilt then I feel truly sorry for BOTH of you.

 

OM has been contacting me every single day. Last night I told him I'm away and will call when I get back in a couple of weeks. Things are going to get ugly with him, I can feel this. My presumption has always been I could easily walk away from A with no repurcusions, against the advice of some friends I confided in.

 

So my game plan is to tell OM I'm pregnant when I get back. And hope he doesn't lose it and just stays away from me. What are your opinions?

 

Uh....why not tell him to eff off?

Why not smash your phone on the ground and conjure some lie to your work about how it got all smashed?

 

Seems to me, by choosing a lie you KNOW he will react to, you WANT this little drama. Serious, do you expect him to hear you are preggie and have him NOT wonder if he is a father? Thats just a big ol' invitation to hang around to me.

 

But whatever.

 

It won;t be long before your already suspicious H gets the truth, from you, the OM, a gossipy confidant, or the very fact you keep bringin up affairs then changing the subject.

 

Look, act like an adult and just be straight forward with everyone...stop all this lying and these bullshyte and games.

 

Tell your H in MC what you did while separated. If he leaves you its his choice (which you are so desperate to deny him of...you little prisoner). If he doesn't THEN maybe you can recover.

 

Then tell your OM to eff off. I bet your H would help you do so gladly.

 

Or not.

 

Its your life...live it as you see fit.

 

My money is on: you'll do nothing, get busted then end up D.

[weedsandposies]

- OM is single. But when I started A thought he was married with kids so felt safe in that he wouldn't "want more."

 

- I love H and have always wanted the M to work. Finally it is. We were separated much of the end of last year. We BOTH have been working on R and it's going VERY well. Better than it ever has.

 

- I HATE drama and want OM out of my life. He disappears but ends up coming back a few weeks later.

 

- There is no way Pregnancy could be OM. Last time we had unprotected sex was months ago. There's another thread about that horror story on LS.

 

- Telling OM I'm preggers is my best bet. If he has any kind of respect and/or love for me he'll leave me alone.

 

- We ALL make very good money. I've always had separate finances from H and own my own successful business. I'd be the crappiest person if I was using H for money.

 

- My reason for staying with H is when our R is good, it's exceptionally good. I won't find another man like him anywhere.

[ladyinlimbo]

- OM is single. But when I started A thought he was married with kids so felt safe in that he wouldn't "want more."

 

You "thought he was married with kids"? How would you get involved with anyone and not ask, off the bat, what their marital status was. I don't buy that.

 

- I love H and have always wanted the M to work. Finally it is. We were separated much of the end of last year. We BOTH have been working on R and it's going VERY well. Better than it ever has.

 

-You're only fooling yourself if you think your relationship is better because in all actuality, your relationship at this point is based on lies and secrets. A true reflection of one's marriage/relationship is how it really is when all of the cards are on the table..........not JUST the cards that you want to show while you keep others hidden.

 

- I HATE drama and want OM out of my life. He disappears but ends up coming back a few weeks later.

 

So it seems. And it's obvious that he's so not going away.

 

- There is no way Pregnancy could be OM. Last time we had unprotected sex was months ago. There's another thread about that horror story on LS.

 

Was if it wasn't more than 9 months ago, you're telling him this lie could very easily result in him thinking the baby is HIS...........and then he'll really be after you. And why on earth were you having 'unprotected sex' with someone when you have a husband? Even naive teenagers know better than to have unprotected sex............yet you did, exposing yourself to STDs and an unplanned pregnancy, exposing your HUSBAND to an STD and potentially having to find out his wife got knocked up by some OM. Niiice.

 

- Telling OM I'm preggers is my best bet. If he has any kind of respect and/or love for me he'll leave me alone.

 

See above. Um, if he had any kind of love or respect for you, he wouldn't still be chasing you, he would be respecting your request to leave him alone so that you can work on your marriage.

 

 

- My reason for staying with H is when our R is good, it's exceptionally good. I won't find another man like him anywhere.

 

 

Ahhh, so it's all about YOU. Just how good would it be though if your poor H knew the truth? How can you be so selfish and to rob your H of all the facts so that HE can make an informed decision as to whether he wants to continue giving his time, heart and love to someone who has betrayed him, slept around on him, exposed him to STDs, continues to communicate with her OM? Sorry lady but I don't know how you can seriously sleep at night, living the lie that you're living........thinking only about yourself and what's good for you.

 

Now that you've brought up 'affairs' twice, if your husband's wheels weren't turning before, you can rest assured that they are now.

[whichwayisup]

Hang on for the ride of your life. Since you don't have the courage to tell your H the truth, sadly, the end result IS going to be the SAME when your exOM tells your H that you two have had an affair.

 

IS NOT A NUT JOB. And regardless of what you guys are reading I don't want to talk about him here, just please trust me when I tell you telling him is not something I can do. He has never been physically abusive however telling him about A might push him, as with any man, over the edge. I would no longer have control over the situation.

 

And, this is exactly it. Why you don't want to tell your H, YOU lose say in everything once he knows the truth. YOU get to own up, face up and live the consquences.

 

You know your H, not us, so all I can say is, whether you tell him or the OM tells him (and trust me, I STRONGLY BELIEVE your OM IS going to go tell your H since you won't), make sure that you have someone with you or somewhere to go afterwards, and keep 911 on speed dial. I get the feeling you think your H is capable of killing you. IF this truly is the case, then don't tell him the truth and divorce him immediately.

 

I do have one question? During your separation, was it in the sense of "space" to figure things out, or was it on the verge of divorcing? Just wondering what the purpose of separation was, to end the marriage or stay together? if it was to stay together and eventually work things out, then being with the OM counts as an affair if intention later was to be with your H down the road.

[bentnotbroken]

H IS NOT A NUT JOB. And regardless of what you guys are reading I don't want to talk about him here, just please trust me when I tell you telling him is not something I can do. He has never been physically abusive however telling him about A might push him, as with any man, over the edge. I would no longer have control over the situation.

 

My take on not telling H is that the M would be over anyway. So why would I go the selfish route and destroy everything good we ever lived and all the nice memories for him when I could just walk away? The end result is the same.

 

Also, most of A happened while we were separated and promptly ended when things got better with us. So there's no guilt eating away at me. I'm able to sleep at night.

 

OM has been contacting me every single day. Last night I told him I'm away and will call when I get back in a couple of weeks. Things are going to get ugly with him, I can feel this. My presumption has always been I could easily walk away from A with no repurcusions, against the advice of some friends I confided in.

 

So my game plan is to tell OM I'm pregnant when I get back. And hope he doesn't lose it and just stays away from me. What are your opinions?

 

 

There you have! She wants to control everyone else's life. I will pray for your husband.

[ladyinlimbo]

Read Weeds' posting history here; it's quite interesting. A lot of inconsistencies though perhaps when one is, as she claims, able to sleep at night despite secrets and lies and a refusal to be honest with her H, it's hard to really keep the truth straight?

 

Seems it was only a couple of months ago she was going on about her and hubby were reconciling and they were 'trying to have a baby'.....then some business about her telling OM as it seems she thought she was preggers and there was concern about whose the baby would be; implying then that she's been sleeping with them both at the same time. Niiiiice.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=270379

 

I feel incredibly sorry for her husband. Little does he know, he's immersed in a marriage of lies.

 

And it seems it was only a month ago that she posted that she'd blocked OM in all ways except from him texting her......and lookie here, he's contacting her regularly now and instead of telling him to get stuffed, she's telling HIM lies about being away and that she'll contact him when she returns............and that she'll tell him a lie about being pregnant with hopes that will scare/turn him off into leaving her alone. Seems it hasn't been all that long since she slept with him so seems like a real swift move to tell the OM that she's pregnant.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sure both OM and her husband will want a paternity test done.

 

This actually is a sad situation and now a child is involved.

[weedsandposies]

Thanks for the investigative reporting.

 

You know, I've only had 2 real relationships in my life, OM and H. So maybe I don't have the kind of experience with R like you guys. That's why I'm here to get advice.

 

Naturally, I won't be putting details about my life on a public forum. Just enough to get some opinions to make my own decisions.

 

FACT the A has saved my M. H and I were DIVORCING, not just separated. It was over. By some miracle of God something happened and we are back together.

 

FACT It was/is very difficult for me to just drop OM, we have history and an almost identical background. We are attached to each other and if there was a way I could SAFELY keep him in my life, I would.

 

FACT my first priority and obligation is to my M. And that is why I'm working on it.

 

This thread is to seek advice to stop OM from contacting me. Yes he's blocked on my personal phone, and has been contacting me on business lines I cannot change. Not every word that falls off my lips is a lie. Ironically, I seldom have to.

[weedsandposies]

Good grief I'M NOT PREGNANT! I want to use it as an excuse to keep OM away.

[ladyinlimbo]

I'm sure both OM and her husband will want a paternity test done.

 

This actually is a sad situation and now a child is involved.

 

...but according to her previous posts, OM (though he insisted she have unprotected sex and not use condoms, which she gave in to) told her he wouldn't want to be a father. And if she did get pregnant, how would she know WHO was the father? Surely the H wouldn't even consider that he wasn't the father such that he would request a paternity test..........so if OM doesn't want to be Daddy and she's hellbent on keeping things a secret from H, would she just remain quiet and potentially have a child that wasn't her H's?

 

Why on earth would you be actively trying to have a child with your H *if* you're still having contact with an OM?....if according to previous posting history, they've continued to have contact quite a lot over the past few months? It's so very, very sad...........and if an innocent child enters the picture, then what?

[whichwayisup]

Good grief I'M NOT PREGNANT! I want to use it as an excuse to keep OM away.

 

Yeah well, he WILL DEMAND a paternity test. And, with that said, he WILL confront your husband. DO NOT play games and do not lie. Just tell your OM it's over and goodbye, never contact you again. BUT YOU have to make all efforts to make it impossible for him to contact you. CHANGE your email address. GET a new cell number. Cut him off completely.

 

FACT It was/is very difficult for me to just drop OM, we have history and an almost identical background. We are attached to each other and if there was a way I could SAFELY keep him in my life, I would.

 

Not going to happen. You MUST decide which man is in your life. Your husband or your OM. You cannot have both!!

[ladyinlimbo]

Good grief I'M NOT PREGNANT! I want to use it as an excuse to keep OM away.

 

I think we realize that you're wanting to use that as some kind of (lame) excuse to tell the OM......but it was on Mar 24/2011 that you posted the following, in the "pregnancy" post of yours up above (where you admitted that in March you and hubby were actually trying to have a child):

 

Thank you for the replies. I came here to get an objective opinion since this is anonymous and its hard to give advice not knowing all the details, so I certainly appreciate it. To all others life isn't so black and white. I never claimed to be perfect, not even to H.

 

Perhaps I am stepford-wifing ha! But H is very happy.

 

Over the past 2 months I've really been trying. I couldn't quit OM cold turkey so slowly began seeing him less, it started off once a week then twice a week, then down to every other week. Haven't seen the OM for 3 weeks now, before that was a month. Now he is contacting me almost everyday to get together and I'm running out of excuses.

 

A few weeks ago we had a terrible scare, thought I was pregnant. While my H was overjoyed, OM basically said that it was up to me but he wasn't ready to be a father. That was when all my feelings towards him changed and haven't seen him since. Sadly, I know I will maybe this weekend.

 

No it wouldn't bother me if I found out my H had a one time thing. Matter of fact just told him if he ever did to use protection and make sure I never find out. Losing him certainly would be more depressing than losing A.

 

Just wish it was easy to break the A off. It's energy depleting and making me unproductive with work. I've even thought of finding another guy/girl just to take my mind off the OM.

Other responses in that thread seem to allude that only 2 months ago, you and OM discussed the possibility that if you WeRE pregnant (at that time), that it could have been his.

 

And by the way, one doesn't need tons of relationships history to know right from wrong, being honest and true.

 

PS - seems to be a common theme in your posts - about having to give the OM "excuses" to not see him. Now you're going to make up the pregnancy "excuse." Why do you have to have excuses to do the right thing and honor the husband you claim to love?

Edited May 23, 2011 by ladyinlimbo

[whichwayisup]

Good grief I'M NOT PREGNANT! I want to use it as an excuse to keep OM away.

 

Okay.. Just something for you to stop and think about.

 

You're 'about' to tell 'another' lie, this one to your exOM. When does it stop? How far will you go?

 

I strongly suggest counselling because along this cheating path, you've "lost" yourself and who you used to be. You right now are not the woman your husband married..

 

You need to work on yourself.

[weedsandposies]

 

PS - seems to be a common theme in your posts - about having to give the OM "excuses" to not see him. Now you're going to make up the pregnancy "excuse." Why do you have to have excuses to do the right thing and honor the husband you claim to love?

 

You're right. I'm kidding myself OM will never let me be with H. The reason is OM feels like our R, OM and I, is more special than M ever could be, more special than any "piece of paper" as he continuously says. This will sound awful but sometimes I feel this way too.

[weedsandposies]

Okay.. Just something for you to stop and think about.

 

You're 'about' to tell 'another' lie, this one to your exOM. When does it stop? How far will you go?

 

I strongly suggest counselling because along this cheating path, you've "lost" yourself and who you used to be. You right now are not the woman your husband married..

 

You need to work on yourself.

 

But marriage is more than just 2 people. I have niees and nephews both sides that were born after we were married. What will happen if I leave H? what aout our families and friends. Why complicate everything?

[BB07]

But marriage is more than just 2 people. I have niees and nephews both sides that were born after we were married. What will happen if I leave H? what aout our families and friends. Why complicate everything?

 

Honey, you've already complicated the hell out of things because you had an affair.........AND there is no way you can uncomplicate it. More than likely your om is going to tell your husband.........you better tell him first.

[whichwayisup]

You're right. I'm kidding myself OM will never let me be with H. The reason is OM feels like our R, OM and I, is more special than M ever could be, more special than any "piece of paper" as he continuously says. This will sound awful but sometimes I feel this way too.

Then you need to come clean with your H and let him decide if he wants to stay married to someone who really isn't sure she wants to be with him. You are TORN between these two men. Start being honest NOW, not only with your H but your OM too.

 

But marriage is more than just 2 people. I have niees and nephews both sides that were born after we were married. What will happen if I leave H? what aout our families and friends. Why complicate everything?

 

Well, that is your consquence. Others suffer for your mistakes. There IS huge fallout after an affair, after a marriage ends. Your nieces and nephews will adjust. So will family and friends. One doesn't stay married for the sake of "others" outside of the marriage.

Yes, they are part of the extended family but NOT IN THE MARRIAGE.

[whichwayisup]

Honey, you've already complicated the hell out of things because you had an affair.........AND there is no way you can uncomplicate it. More than likely your om is going to tell your husband.........you better tell him first.

 

Completely agree here.

 

Stop letting fear and not being in control of this situation take over. You need to do the right thing by coming clean. It's just so wrong what you're doing and how you're handling this.

[ladyinlimbo]

But marriage is more than just 2 people. I have niees and nephews both sides that were born after we were married. What will happen if I leave H? what aout our families and friends. Why complicate everything?

 

Doesn't seem you've been too worried about all of the "others" in the past, right? The above, IMO, is just another of your "excuses."

 

You've already complicated things, and you're continuing to complicate things. You're continuing to have contact with the OM, making "excuses" to him, you're promising you'll call him back, you're going to tell him big fat lies about being pregnant with your H........and judging by your posting history, your contact (both sexual and non) has been going on while appearing to be working things out with your husband. The time to worry about complicating things and how your actions will impact those around you is long since over.

[whichwayisup]

Doesn't seem you've been too worried about all of the "others" in the past, right? The above, IMO, is just another of your "excuses."

 

You've already complicated things, and you're continuing to complicate things. You're continuing to have contact with the OM, making "excuses" to him, you're promising you'll call him back, you're going to tell him big fat lies about being pregnant with your H........and judging by your posting history, your contact (both sexual and non) has been going on while appearing to be working things out with your husband. The time to worry about complicating things and how your actions will impact those around you is long since over.

Especially since you said before when you and your H were separated it WAS leading to a divorce. So, why now is this an issue? Because of the OM and he will fit into your life later with family and friends?

[ladyinlimbo]

Especially since you said before when you and your H were separated it WAS leading to a divorce. So, why now is this an issue? Because of the OM and he will fit into your life later with family and friends?

 

There seems to be a lot of inconsistent and conflicting info from the OP.

 

She claims on one hand that she's able to sleep at night because her A occurred while her and H were separated and going for a divorce.....yet from her posting history it seems that she's been very much involved with the OM whilst back with her husband and claiming things have never been better between us, such that 2 months ago she and H were trying to have a baby.

 

If it was all really innocent and her relationship with OM started and ended while separated from the H, why would she feel the need to even keep that from H? - afterall, they were separated. But that doesn't really seem to fully be the picture.

[whichwayisup]

There seems to be a lot of inconsistent and conflicting info from the OP.

 

Emotions and this is what affairs to do to people. Confuse them and one minute they feel X, next minute they feel Y. She's all over the place and not sure of anything which seems normal under the affair and hiding the A from her H circumstances..

[ShatteredReality]

If all you want is for OM to stop contacting you and you're willing to lie to him in order to do so wouldn't telling him that you have had a few more affairs take care of that? I mean...if you're gonna dig a hole, do it right. Maybe you will luck out and he'll be disgusted with you, turn his back and never come back.

 

Pregnancy won't keep him away.

 

Just saying...if that's your bottom line...if you aren't going to tell H...if you don't want OM to tell H...if you're going to try to lie your way out of it...come up with something that he cannot come back in four months - bump into you and catch you in the lie. Heck...tell him it was a whole football team...you have orgy night every Saturday night....