OM Wants to Resume R, I Don't

[whichwayisup]

If all you want is for OM to stop contacting you and you're willing to lie to him in order to do so wouldn't telling him that you have had a few more affairs take care of that? I mean...if you're gonna dig a hole, do it right. Maybe you will luck out and he'll be disgusted with you, turn his back and never come back.

 

Pregnancy won't keep him away.

 

Just saying...if that's your bottom line...if you aren't going to tell H...if you don't want OM to tell H...if you're going to try to lie your way out of it...come up with something that he cannot come back in four months - bump into you and catch you in the lie. Heck...tell him it was a whole football team...you have orgy night every Saturday night....

 

She has no control over how the OM reacts or handles things. If the lie is pregnancy, or more affairs, he still may tell her H. Infact, he may get so angry if she uses your suggestion about other affairs, he'll go straight to her H out of revenge, hurt for 'finding out' he wasn't the only OM, even though it's not really true.

[weedsandposies]

If all you want is for OM to stop contacting you and you're willing to lie to him in order to do so wouldn't telling him that you have had a few more affairs take care of that? I mean...if you're gonna dig a hole, do it right. Maybe you will luck out and he'll be disgusted with you, turn his back and never come back.

 

Pregnancy won't keep him away.

 

Just saying...if that's your bottom line...if you aren't going to tell H...if you don't want OM to tell H...if you're going to try to lie your way out of it...come up with something that he cannot come back in four months - bump into you and catch you in the lie. Heck...tell him it was a whole football team...you have orgy night every Saturday night....

 

LOL. Actually I was seeing other guys and OM didn't like it.

 

But the preggers idea is a friends suggestion. Maybe if he thinks H and I are starting a family he'll back off.

[whichwayisup]

LOL. Actually I was seeing other guys and OM didn't like it.

 

But the preggers idea is a friends suggestion. Maybe if he thinks H and I are starting a family he'll back off.

 

I did a few replies to you one page back with some questions and something for you think about (counselling)..

 

Why were you seeing other guys too? You make it seem like one minute this OM is your soulmate, someone you love and as well as your H, yet you say those two were you only relationships, but you were seeing OM too? (OM meaning other other men.)

[bentnotbroken]

But marriage is more than just 2 people. I have niees and nephews both sides that were born after we were married. What will happen if I leave H? what aout our families and friends. Why complicate everything?

 

 

Why give a damn now? :confused:What will happen? The same thing that happens with everyone who divorces....life goes on and everyone begins a new relationship. Not easy but it can be done.

[Breezy Trousers]

Hi Breezy. You made some excellent points and I agree with some of them. It just seems that alot of BS on here rip apart an OW/OM. It almost feels as though since they have no control over what happen to them: they can tear someone else apart to make themselves feel better. I think that sometimes ( not always) that the BS does have something to do with the cheating. I am not saying that there is not people out there that are just totally selfish and dont care who they hurt..because unfortuntately, there are very many out there like that. My point is, you know when something isnt right, inside. Its up to that person to make changes. Most of the time, fear keeps this from happening. You make one wrong turn and then they all turn into wrong ones too.

 

Personally, I don't post to be hard on OW. I nearly was one! So were a lot of us here! Early in my lurking here, I was surprised to see that the "meanies" were often former OW, not BS as I initially thought ..... We teach what it is we want to learn because we don't want to go through this ever again. We challenge others the way we wish others challenged us when we were in love fog. ... The two people I perceived as "mean" while I was in love fog proved the most helpful to me in the end. That's how I view some of the harsh responses here. Tough love -- and, yes, it can be tough!

 

I understand your point and agree with the fear / wrong turns leading to affairs. I just don't think it's an emotionally mature way to handle relationships and can often boomerang. But it happens.

 

There are choices to floundering marriages besides affairs. You can get therapy. You can get a divorce. You can focus on changing yourself and watch miracles occur. So, yes, blaming a BS for 50 percent of the marriage problems is accurate. However, blaming a BS for "causing" an affair is a lie.

I know this because many relationships have identical problems, but affairs are never an option. It has everything to do with the person choosing the affair, not with the marriage itself.

 

Just my opinion.

 

I also have a quick question for anyone to answer: Ive seen on here that many say that affairs ( either emotional or physical/and or both) are not real. That they feelings are a "fog" and what that person is experiencing isnt reality? Any thoughts to that?

 

I think love fog is normal at the beginning of ALL new attachments. (Polyamorists called it "New Relationship Energy.") Problem is, attachment isn't always the same thing as love, but it can appear that way. Love fog is more intense and prolonged with affairs due to the secrecy, danger/instability, isolation from everyone else, triangulation, etc. Things are more distorted/amplified/obsessed in affairs compared to "normal" relationships which are out in the open and relaxed. Because of the heightened drama & isolation, affairs can actually mimic abusive/addictive processes more than they do normal relationships.

[Breezy Trousers]

H IS NOT A NUT JOB. And regardless of what you guys are reading I don't want to talk about him here, just please trust me when I tell you telling him is not something I can do. He has never been physically abusive however telling him about A might push him, as with any man, over the edge. I would no longer have control over the situation.

 

My take on not telling H is that the M would be over anyway. So why would I go the selfish route and destroy everything good we ever lived and all the nice memories for him when I could just walk away? The end result is the same.

 

Also, most of A happened while we were separated and promptly ended when things got better with us. So there's no guilt eating away at me. I'm able to sleep at night.

 

OM has been contacting me every single day. Last night I told him I'm away and will call when I get back in a couple of weeks. Things are going to get ugly with him, I can feel this. My presumption has always been I could easily walk away from A with no repurcusions, against the advice of some friends I confided in.

 

So my game plan is to tell OM I'm pregnant when I get back. And hope he doesn't lose it and just stays away from me. What are your opinions?

 

Weeds, no offense, but you seem very attached to the drama of all this.

 

It's simple, really. No contact with AP. Tell husband.

[whichwayisup]

Personally, I don't post to be hard on OW. I nearly was one! So were a lot of us here! Early in my lurking here, I was surprised to see that the "meanies" were often former OW, not BS as I initially thought ..... We teach what it is we want to learn because we don't want to go through this ever again. We challenge others the way we wish others challenged us when we were in love fog. ... The two people I perceived as "mean" while I was in love fog proved the most helpful to me in the end. That's how I view some of the harsh responses here. Tough love -- and, yes, it can be tough!

 

I understand your point and agree with the fear / wrong turns leading to affairs. I just don't think it's an emotionally mature way to handle relationships and can often boomerang. But it happens.

 

There are choices to floundering marriages besides affairs. You can get therapy. You can get a divorce. You can focus on changing yourself and watch miracles occur. So, yes, blaming a BS for 50 percent of the marriage problems is accurate. However, blaming a BS for "causing" an affair is a lie.

I know this because many relationships have identical problems, but affairs are never an option. It has everything to do with the person choosing the affair, not with the marriage itself.

 

Just my opinion.

 

 

 

I think love fog is normal at the beginning of ALL new attachments. (Polyamorists called it "New Relationship Energy.") Problem is, attachment isn't always the same thing as love, but it can appear that way. Love fog is more intense and prolonged with affairs due to the secrecy, danger/instability, isolation from everyone else, triangulation, etc. Things are more distorted/amplified/obsessed in affairs compared to "normal" relationships which are out in the open and relaxed. Because of the heightened drama & isolation, affairs can actually mimic abusive/addictive processes more than they do normal relationships.

 

This is a great post reply BT! Very true.

 

Weeds, no offense, but you seem very attached to the drama of all this.

 

It's simple, really. No contact with AP. Tell husband.

 

Sadly I agree.

 

And even more so reading about more lies to be told to put off the OM and keep him out of her life. The thing is, Weeds..You have NO control over what the OM thinks, reacts, does or feels. He could choose at ANY time to call your H. Drop by your house and knock on the door. Obviously your H knows this OM since he is someone you've known for so many years. ? what will you do if this happens? OM shows up at your door? will you come clean to your H, tell him the truth, or will you lie and deny, throw OM under the bus and tell your H that the OM is lying, he's crazy, he's exaggerating, he's got a crush on you, it's a one way street and you don't "like" him that way.. ? Just wondering how'd you handle this as it IS a realistic possiblity this could happen down the road.

[26pointblue]

LOL. Actually I was seeing other guys and OM didn't like it.

 

But the preggers idea is a friends suggestion. Maybe if he thinks H and I are starting a family he'll back off.

 

Wow. So you were seeing other guys but you were upset when you thought OM was seeing other women & you were accusing him of 'cheating' on you? Don't you think that's extremely hypocritcal & selfish?!

 

Also, I went back to your first posts & you stated that when you met OM you & your husband were ABOUT to separate. Now you say you WERE separated. At different points you say you were separated the whole time, or most of the time . . . which is it? You are all over the place. I feel like you change your story to suit anyone who tries to help you with constructive criticism. We have all made mistakes but no one can help you if you're not willing to be honest with yourself or with us. It makes no sense that in one breath you say your H would leave you if he knew you had an affair & in the next breath you say it's not considered cheating because you were separated. You are talking out of both sides of your mouth!

[weedsandposies]

I appreciate everyone trying to help me.

 

H and I were pretty much not married for 3 years before the separation/decision to divorce. My conflict comes from my brain and heart fighting each other. The thing is H wins both. He is the better man for me. When I began the A, I realized this once again. H and I have done so much talking candidly about our R over the past few months. He is the man I want to be with.

 

There was never a time over the past few months when I would've chosen OM exclusively. He tried to get us to commit but I didn't go for it. We are bad for each other. During the speration I dated other men, non-sexually. maybe some part of me wanted an R with OM but I know it would never work. It didn't before why would it now?

 

PLAN A:

Tell OM H and I are starting a family. He needs to respect that and NC. And get him to promise that he will never contact H under any circumstances.

 

PLAN B:

If I end up intimate with OM again, the last time was 2 weeks ago and before that 2 months ago, I think I'll need to leave both of them and reassess what I want to do next. Maybe move to the other coast for a bit and be alone.

[weedsandposies]

Wow. So you were seeing other guys but you were upset when you thought OM was seeing other women & you were accusing him of 'cheating' on you? Don't you think that's extremely hypocritcal & selfish?!

 

OM had sex with someone else, but it was during our NC period, I presume. Doesn't matter he doesn't owe me any loyalty as you guys have pointed out.

 

Also, I went back to your first posts & you stated that when you met OM you & your husband were ABOUT to separate. Now you say you WERE separated. At different points you say you were separated the whole time, or most of the time . . . which is it? You are all over the place. I feel like you change your story to suit anyone who tries to help you with constructive criticism. We have all made mistakes but no one can help you if you're not willing to be honest with yourself or with us. It makes no sense that in one breath you say your H would leave you if he knew you had an affair & in the next breath you say it's not considered cheating because you were separated. You are talking out of both sides of your mouth!

 

Last summer we decided to divorce. The same time I reconnected with OM. And yes A has been going on ever since but not as much for the last 3 months.

[FightClub]

weedsandposies,

 

I'm curious, can you be specific when you say you and xOM wouldn't have worked? What things did you see that made you feel that way? Just a general outline is what I'm interested in seeing.

 

It might help you understand why you need to continue to break free of any contact with OM.

 

-FC

[bentnotbroken]

I appreciate everyone trying to help me.

 

H and I were pretty much not married for 3 years before the separation/decision to divorce. My conflict comes from my brain and heart fighting each other. The thing is H wins both. He is the better man for me. When I began the A, I realized this once again. H and I have done so much talking candidly about our R over the past few months. He is the man I want to be with.

 

There was never a time over the past few months when I would've chosen OM exclusively. He tried to get us to commit but I didn't go for it. We are bad for each other. During the speration I dated other men, non-sexually. maybe some part of me wanted an R with OM but I know it would never work. It didn't before why would it now?

 

PLAN A:

Tell OM H and I are starting a family. He needs to respect that and NC. And get him to promise that he will never contact H under any circumstances.

 

PLAN B:

If I end up intimate with OM again, the last time was 2 weeks ago and before that 2 months ago, I think I'll need to leave both of them and reassess what I want to do next. Maybe move to the other coast for a bit and be alone.

 

 

Of course he is who you want to be with. He is the one you can control now...without his knowledge. OM is too much of a lose cannon, and when you get shot down with it, make sure come back here and tell how much pain your husband is in.

[weedsandposies]

And even more so reading about more lies to be told to put off the OM and keep him out of her life. The thing is, Weeds..You have NO control over what the OM thinks, reacts, does or feels. He could choose at ANY time to call your H. Drop by your house and knock on the door. Obviously your H knows this OM since he is someone you've known for so many years. ? what will you do if this happens? OM shows up at your door? will you come clean to your H, tell him the truth, or will you lie and deny, throw OM under the bus and tell your H that the OM is lying, he's crazy, he's exaggerating, he's got a crush on you, it's a one way street and you don't "like" him that way.. ? Just wondering how'd you handle this as it IS a realistic possiblity this could happen down the road.

 

I've decided not to lie. OM and H don't know each other. H knows about OM because he saw a previous text on my phone months ago so he has his number. OM might try facebook if he wanted but doubt he would. I would deny A to my last breathe. BUT the possibility H finds out in any other way is almost non-existenet.

[weedsandposies]

weedsandposies,

 

I'm curious, can you be specific when you say you and xOM wouldn't have worked? What things did you see that made you feel that way? Just a general outline is what I'm interested in seeing.

 

It might help you understand why you need to continue to break free of any contact with OM.

 

-FC

 

I don't trust OM. He has emotional issues, maybe psychological because of his upbringing. He's had it rough basically and no one really cared for him. Although he has grown to be an unbelievable man career-wise, his social life is lacking. This scares me. And is also the reason he's attached to me.

 

He's never treated me badly. Just my intuition.

[weedsandposies]

I did a few replies to you one page back with some questions and something for you think about (counselling)..

 

Why were you seeing other guys too? You make it seem like one minute this OM is your soulmate, someone you love and as well as your H, yet you say those two were you only relationships, but you were seeing OM too? (OM meaning other other men.)

 

Sorry I can't find the post. I read this mostly on my phone. H doesn't do councelling. I've asked he won't do it.

[ladyinlimbo]

 

H and I were pretty much not married for 3 years before the separation/decision to divorce. My conflict comes from my brain and heart fighting each other. The thing is H wins both. He is the better man for me. When I began the A, I realized this once again. H and I have done so much talking candidly about our R over the past few months. He is the man I want to be with.

 

Sounds rather selfish -- that H is the "better man for you" -- but in all honesty, are you the best wife/woman for him, given what you're doing? You should want to be with your husband because you love him with all your heart, not because between OM and H, H is the "better man" of the two.

 

 

PLAN B:

If I end up intimate with OM again, the last time was 2 weeks ago and before that 2 months ago, I think I'll need to leave both of them and reassess what I want to do next. Maybe move to the other coast for a bit and be alone.

Ahh, so it was 2 weeks ago that you were sleeping with the OM, and before that 2 months ago. So then, why on earth would you lie and tell OM that you're pregnant and starting a family with your H? He will very likely wonder if HE is the father, then..........and he would no doubt wonder how you could be so sure the father was your H when you've been sleeping with him over the past 2 months? He may have claimed in the past that he didn't want/wasn't ready to be a father (the OM) but if he's desperate to keep you in his life he may change his tune.......or at least stir up a crapload of trouble, claiming he might be the Dad. I see the "I'm pregnant" lie to be one that will totally backfire and give you more trouble than you have now.

[BB07]

Weeds, you really should leave BOTH men alone. Your thinking and reasoning are really screwed up right now. You've lied and manipulated both of them and you still want to tell more lies to cover your own ass and it's not going to end up well for you.

 

You need to address what ever it is that is inside of YOU that is causing you to behave this way and you can't do that with distraction, (believe me I know this the hard way). Be alone.......do some soul searching, maybe get some therapy. You seem young, so don't spend the next 20 years repeating this pattern of manipulation and lies. You won't find any happiness if you keep doing the same thing over and over.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Sorry I can't find the post. I read this mostly on my phone. H doesn't do councelling. I've asked he won't do it.

 

The counselling isn't for your husband...It's for YOU!!!

 

You are so confused and contradicting yourself, I'm stunned. You say this OM is the love of your life, your soulmate, that you want him one minute then the next you say the complete opposite and list alot of negative things about him.

 

You need counselling to figure out WTF is going on inside your head and fix "you". You are broken and are making real bad choices... Still. you've even said:

PLAN B:

If I end up intimate with OM again, the last time was 2 weeks ago and before that 2 months ago, I think I'll need to leave both of them and reassess what I want to do next. Maybe move to the other coast for a bit and be alone.

 

Implying that there's a chance you and the OM will be intimate again!

 

You also say there's no chance of your H finding out and if he does, you'll deny.

 

YOUR H IS NOT STUPID! He KNOWS you've done something wrong and it's only a matter of time before he figures it out, or the OM tells him.

 

DO counselling and fix yourself.

[ShatteredReality]

So the last time you were with OM was only two weeks ago? What happened to 6 months ago? I am confused.

 

Also - if you're physical with OM now you don't feel guilty at all?

 

If OM goes to your H and tells him about the A...you can deny it all you like but he will always doubt your denials because you have already eluded to the affair.

 

If you want to break things off with OM then do it...just tell him to go away and leave you alone....no baby steps away from eachother...NC completely. Then let the chips fall where they may. If you aren't willing to tell your H then don't...you aren't willing to go to IC either, fine, don't do that...But figure out a way to really analyze yourself honestly and figure out what's going on...because you sound confused and conflicted. Eventually the tightrope you're walking will snap.

[weedsandposies]

OMG.

I just read this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=278443

 

and this:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=272822

 

The parallels between my situation and "dryerase" are remarkable. I read through every single post and have made a decision... continuing NC with OM.

 

At this point in time I've been over the fog with OM since February. Meeting up with him to discuss anything would just be futile. Or worse might spark something in me again which I definietely don't want to happen.

 

So that is my solution, NC. Not telling him I'm back. When I don't contact him back OM will know I'm ignoring for sure, and perhaps leave me alone. The last time we met (like dryerase i too had a panties situation, read my other thread about OM cheating) I told him I'm leaving his place and I will be dead to him. And that I was blocking him everywhere. This will remain my decision.

 

As for H, last night I sat next to him and tried to open up the topic, again. He doesn't want to hear it. I think he already knows A happened. Doesn't care probably because he knows it was in the past. Now I want to move past this A and go on with my life.

[weedsandposies]

So the last time you were with OM was only two weeks ago? What happened to 6 months ago? I am confused.

 

Also - if you're physical with OM now you don't feel guilty at all?

 

If OM goes to your H and tells him about the A...you can deny it all you like but he will always doubt your denials because you have already eluded to the affair.

 

If you want to break things off with OM then do it...just tell him to go away and leave you alone....no baby steps away from eachother...NC completely. Then let the chips fall where they may. If you aren't willing to tell your H then don't...you aren't willing to go to IC either, fine, don't do that...But figure out a way to really analyze yourself honestly and figure out what's going on...because you sound confused and conflicted. Eventually the tightrope you're walking will snap.

 

This really is the only solution.

 

Also, I've only been physical with OM twice since H and I got back. Both were terrible. I wasn't feeling it. The last time I went to see him because he wanted to talk. I should've met him in a public place. Stupid me.

[weedsandposies]

OM contacted me last night from a new cell number asking if I was back, guy has ESP. We messaged all evening. He said the same things, misses me, wants to see me.

 

This time he asked me why I'm being distant and if I was seeing someone else. Like an idiot I said yes. He then went on to ask questions, what the other guy has that he doesn't, how we met, why I'm not giving him another chance. He's very hurt. I didn't respond to him, put my phone down and went to bed.

 

How do I handle this? I'm ruining everyone's life.

 

Also, I tried once again to talk to H about A. Mentioning a text he found on one of my phones. He said he'll get back to it but right now he's too busy in his life to think about it. I'm not bringing it up again.

Edited May 31, 2011 by weedsandposies

[bentnotbroken]

OM contacted me last night from a new cell number asking if I was back, guy has ESP. We messaged all evening. He said the same things, misses me, wants to see me.

 

This time he asked me why I'm being distant and if I was seeing someone else. Like an idiot I said yes. He then went on to ask questions, what the other guy has that he doesn't, how we met, why I'm not giving him another chance. He's very hurt. I didn't respond to him, put my phone down and went to bed.

 

How do I handle this? I'm ruining everyone's life.

 

Also, I tried once again to talk to H about A. Mentioning a text he found on one of my phones. He said he'll get back to it but right now he's too busy in his life to think about it. I'm not bringing it up again.

 

 

Ahhh, life is sooo hard. Wonder what's next?

[weedsandposies]

LOL. I'm obsessing over this too much. It's over.

[26pointblue]

OM contacted me last night from a new cell number asking if I was back, guy has ESP. We messaged all evening. He said the same things, misses me, wants to see me.

 

This time he asked me why I'm being distant and if I was seeing someone else. Like an idiot I said yes. He then went on to ask questions, what the other guy has that he doesn't, how we met, why I'm not giving him another chance. He's very hurt. I didn't respond to him, put my phone down and went to bed.

 

How do I handle this? I'm ruining everyone's life.

 

Also, I tried once again to talk to H about A. Mentioning a text he found on one of my phones. He said he'll get back to it but right now he's too busy in his life to think about it. I'm not bringing it up again.

 

I don't understand you at all. You say you absolutely cannot tell your husband about the affair, but then you keep saying you try to bring it up. Why would you bring it up if you're sure you can't tell him? Just tell the poor guy or stop half-bringing it up! You're probably making him crazy.

 

I also don't understand why you say you need to be done with your OM but then you message him all night long. I think you just like playing games with people's heads. :-( What a very sad way to live. :-(