rickrobins Posted May 20, 2011 Share Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) Here is the whole story if you think you need to read it http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277302/ My W will not commit to cutting ties with the OM. To date I have only been told that they have kissed. Her friends have explained to her that this wrong on so many levels. My W had always preached strong morals and up until now had never broke them. I can't get through to my wife that what she is doing to not only me but to this other family is so wrong. If she is being honest with me I believe that two divorces aren't neccesary. Her friends have tried to talk to her and tell her she is wrong but they have grown tired. She is a cold person right now. My fear is that during this break of ours is that she will make a bigger mistake and wake up. But when or if she comes back to me, I won't be able to forgive her. I believe that no contact between us for a period of time will benefit us but I don't think she trusts herself at the present moment. I have considered reaching out to her family members of whom she is close with. Her mother is aware of the situation but her mother is more of a friend to her and to be honest I consider my W to be the boss of that relationship. If I were to reach out to anybody it would be her Grandfather or Aunt. Both have strong morals and wouldn't tolerate this. I am at the point where I am more concerned with my W's well being then our own marriage. I want to work things out and change habits in my life going forward. Any advice on reaching out to some of her family members? Edited May 20, 2011 by rickrobins spell Link to post Share on other sites
fltc Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Yes, exposure is good, you should reach out to her family and let them know what's happening. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 If your evidence is undeniable, you stand a chance. Otherwise, blood flows with blood. If it comes down to he said, she said, family will align with their own in nearly all cases, presuming, in this case, the person in question does not have a long and obvious history of infidelity. If you choose to expose, be prepared for any amicable relations with said family to end. They might not, but be prepared. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rickrobins Posted May 21, 2011 Author Share Posted May 21, 2011 You are allowing this to happen by refusing to tell his wife. Your wife is into him right now and once a woman gets on that path you can be mister nice guy. You need to man up The only way that I can contact his wife is by mail or visit. I have looked into this. Now I have been told by my wife that the OM has told his W. Do I believe this 100%? No. Do I take a long drive to see her? Do I attempt to mail her a letter and hope that the OM doesn't get to it first? Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 How bad do you want to save your M? I think a long road trip and visit with the OM's W is a good investment. Listen, until you stand up for yourself and stop letting you W dictate what goes on, you will stay in this limboland. You need to lay down the law and be specific on what she needs to do to remain M'd to you. Plain and simple. NC with OM, and recommit to fixing what she broke. Anything less is unacceptible. Make this crystal clear. Also make clear what are the consequences if she doesn't; D. Then follow through. Its hard, but playing hardball has a tendency to defog one quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rickrobins Posted May 21, 2011 Author Share Posted May 21, 2011 I want to save it badly. My fear is that this guy is playing his cards right. He has a wife and a young child so his split will be more difficult. I somewhat think that he is waiting for my W to leave me. My wife has not opened up to me about his current situation. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Your WW sounds like she's still deep in the fog. If you haven't done so, you need to start a hard 180 and start healing. Your goal should be to heal, either with or without her. Envite her along, but if she chooses not to join you, that's her loss. Link to post Share on other sites
luvbun80 Posted May 21, 2011 Share Posted May 21, 2011 Admittedly I don't know enough about my wife... but if I tried to reach her via the back roads by interceding to someone she is close I do believe I might well wake up dead. For her it would be the ultimate betrayal, perceived as trying to create a rift in her friendship or kinship with another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rickrobins Posted May 21, 2011 Author Share Posted May 21, 2011 I am going to stay comitted to "no contact". I went to the house today and took everything I needed to live somewhere else. I also took her rings and left mine. I called my landlord and gave him my 30 days and now he has to call her to see what her plans are. I now realize that I can't smother her and profess my love. I did that for a week and it backfired. Getting her out of my mind for a period of time will only help me. I have so many other issues to worry about like finding a job, fixing my car and restoring my credit. Thanks for all the help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rickrobins Posted May 22, 2011 Author Share Posted May 22, 2011 Be very careful and think long and hard before approaching her family. Blood is thicker than water and the backlash could be terrible for you. I understand that and completely agree. I think that action would ruin our chances of getting back together forever. To better put this in perspective I am going to tell you guys things that I don't tell many people. My W's father comitted suicide. My W's mother was physically abused by him. My W would cry herself to sleep at night as a young child. She still to this day can not go to sleep at night without this stuffed animal that she had as a child. My W's mother went a good 20 years appearing fine until one day it hit her. She was the coolest mother in law living on this planet. One day it her and she became deeply depressed even though she was and is currently in a loving marriage. Knowing what both my W and mother in law have been through I have always prepared myself for this day. Assuming that I have been told the truth about my wife's affair, I have become more concerned about her. That is why I somewhat beat myself up about what has happened. I am to the point where I care more about her well being than our relationship because there are mental images that I will not be able shake. As I said earlier in this thread, I have moved things out of the house. She called me today and left a VM saying that "there are some things that we should talk about." I can take that in so many ways. Has she moved on so quickly that she is truly concerned about who gets what? Is she still deep in this fog and not telling the truth? I have not returned her phone call and don't plan on doing so until I am ready to completely move on. Even with everything I know about her I can't forgive her for what she has put me through during these past few weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Knowing what both my W and mother in law have been through I have always prepared myself for this day. Assuming that I have been told the truth about my wife's affair, I have become more concerned about her. That is why I somewhat beat myself up about what has happened. I am to the point where I care more about her well being than our relationship because there are mental images that I will not be able shake. you can't take care of someone else unless you're taking care of yourself first. that is the proper order of things. so, start looking out for your best interest now. she can worry and take care of herself. she cheated - they didn't just kiss = know that for sure. they had/are having sex. no woman changes her whole life over a kiss - so you also knows she lies. good that you're moving forward. you should be damn mad at her! stop showing more concern for her than yourself - she cheated, she changed your lifetime plan you had together - she's exhibiting poor choices and low moral standards. why you would want her back now is hard to imagine. your W treated and is treating you like crap - and you are allowing it - so stop allowing it. yes, expose all - his W has a right to know that her H is betraying her - she probably has a good idea and is wondering anyway... so tell all. guard yourself. do not allow her to blame you - it's her behavior - and IF she didn't want it known = she shouldn't have been doing what she's been doing. it's hers... IF she is ashamed of her behavior - then she should have thought about THAT along the way... but she didn't - so now she lives with what she has created. good luck... keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rickrobins Posted May 22, 2011 Author Share Posted May 22, 2011 2sunny, I have convinced myself that I have to play this game because she is attempting to play the same one. I finally feel as if I have the upperhand and the truth will come out eventually. I am fortunate that she has close friends that have not only told her the truth about how they feel but have taken my side. There are friends of hers that refuse to talk to her about this situation because they fear that they might lose a long term friendship with her. I know this because they have reached out to me on personal level and have offered support. I have been offered work and support from all of them. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 stop playing any games - her games - none of that is useful. start doing what makes you happy - without her. she's not considering you right now... start making her uncomfortable... the more uncomfortable she is - the more motivated she may get to start changes things on her end. stop waiting. change everything up now. and take any job - some money is better than no money and it's easier to find a job when you have one. get busy taking care of you. Link to post Share on other sites
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