Should i give my girlfriend another chance?

[Alan Guillermo]

I don't know where to start!!! i don't think your a psycho but i do think you have some problems to work on ASAP.. Im not saying I am an expert in relationships but i know that when it comes to ALL relationships, i think the 3 fundamental things you need is TRUST, COMMUNICATION, AND HONESTY. When you go into a relationship by already having a difficult time trusting them, the other person will eventually feel smothered or even may start resenting you. You really need to fix your JEALOUSY issue... its not healthy at all.

 

And i don't think its your fault she lied. I mean she could feel smothered and all that junk but that doesn't mean she had to lie. She controls her own action and when she lied to you, its not your fault so don't blame it on yourself. She only has herself to blame for that.

 

You guys have a really unhealthy relationship together. You have trust and jealousy issues and she has honesty issues.. and to be honest, if you think that maybe if you give her another chance or if she gave you another chance, then ya's problem will be fixed?? I DONT THINK so. its just a matter of time until it will re-occur. Fixing problems/habits TAKES time and effort. If you really want the relationship to work, take time off this relationship and fix that horrible habit of yours. If she really loves you then she will understand.

 

Taking time apart is hard for both of us, because we both really want each other, we've had like 1-2 day break ups, but eventually we always end up texting each other and saying how much more miserable we are not talking to each other, and we always get back together..

[betterdeal]

Okay, it's late here and I am off to bed. You have to find things that make you happy and not depend on her for all your happiness. Your anger is useless because it is designed for fighting and you don't fight girls, so you need to find new ways to think and new things to do to make you happy.

 

You fear being abandoned by her. She may well abandon you. Especially if she is unhappy being with you. This does not mean you have to please her. It means you have to be the real you, the you she loves, just like the her you love, the one beneath all the fear. And if you guys split up, you need to deal with whatever it is that makes you unhappy, that keeps on asking her for more, keeps on asking her to not be her, to not talk to other men.

 

Unless you're the Taleban, women will always talk to men and men talk to women. Some men will hit on your woman. Some women will hit on you. The important thing is how you guys respond to being hit on, not how you respond to each other being hit on.

 

You need to find love for yourself inside yourself. You are the only person who will be there for you throughout your life, from cradle to grave. Get to know yourself. If your emotions are so intense, if you are so unhappy and unable to live with her being her, then let go, take a break, and make your life enjoyable. You cannot rely on her to make you happy, nor she you. Not all the time. You have to find happiness in yourself.

 

I'll be back tomorrow.

 

Take care and find some calm. You will get through this. It's all in your head and you can change it.

Edited May 20, 2011 by betterdeal

[Alan Guillermo]

Okay, it's late here and I am off to bed. You have to find things that make you happy and not depend on her for all your happiness. Your anger is useless because it is designed for fighting and you don't fight girls, so you need to find new ways to think and new things to do to make you happy.

 

You fear being abandoned by her. She may well abandon you. Especially if she is unhappy being with you. This does not mean you have to please her. It means you have to be the real you, the you she loves, just like the her you love, the one beneath all the fear. And if you guys split up, you need to deal with whatever it is that makes you unhappy, that keeps on asking her for more, keeps on asking her to not be her, to not talk to other men.

 

Unless you're the Taleban, women will always talk to men and men talk to women. Some men will hit on your woman. Some women will hit on you. The important thing is how you guys respond to being hit on, not how you respond to each other being hit on.

 

You need to find love for yourself inside yourself. You are the only person who will be there for you throughout your life, from cradle to grave. Get to know yourself. If your emotions are so intense, if you are so unhappy and unable to live with her being her, then let go, take a break, and make your life enjoyable. You cannot rely on her to make you happy, nor she you. Not all the time. You have to find happiness in yourself.

 

I'll be back tomorrow.

 

Take care and find some calm. You will get through this. It's all in your head and you can change it.

 

Its hard to see happiness in the future without my GF. And im sure she feels the same way, but i totally get your point, we have to learn to happy on our own as well, and for me that is a challenging task, i know it can be done but it will be difficulty. Im just so used to being with her and talking to her everyday, im afraid to be alone.. thats one of my other problems, But when and if the time comes, if we ever get separated, then i will be forced to find happiness on my own, I've given her the options so many times to leave me and find someone better, she knows that i know that Im not a healthy boyfriend and i have issues, but she keeps on insisting she loves me so much she's willing to accept me and accept all of my flaws and any problems that i have.. So i guess only time will tell..

 

And yes i know this is all in my head, it always has been, i need to find something to be able to control my thoughts, and at this point its really only my gf who gets my mind off the bad when shes here..

 

I need to be independent for a whole to even find self happiness i think..

 

But i know i can change my thoughts, its all up to me.. Im just a really negative thinker and ALWAYS think of the worst that could happen, which is why i was never able to trust my gf, i always expect the worse from people or maybe just girls...

 

Thanks a lot i really appreciate, you've been lots of help.. You gave me some self esteem i didn't have before..

 

have a good night.

[betterdeal]

Back again. Okay, I recommend you look into CBT. It's a way of changing your thoughts and it worked for me. There's lots of resources out there, but one of the best I have found is this site: http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

 

One example of CBT at work is this:

 

1. Your girlfriend is away and you don't know where she is

2. Think of the worst scenario - she's run off with Snoop Dog

3. Think of the best scenario - she's won the lottery and is at the car showroom buying you a Dodge Viper as a surprise gift

 

The reality is almost always going to be between those two. How do I know this? Because it always has been between those two. Despite all your negative thoughts and fear, none of those bad things have happened, have they?

 

99.999% of your life is not going to be extraordinary. It is going to be ordinary, the usual. It's like the weather - the weather tomorrow will usually be much like it was today. Maybe it'll be a little colder or a little warmer, but it's highly unlikely to be baking hot today then 6ft of snow tomorrow.

 

As for when you get the fear that you described you get just before the rage hits you. Take a deep breath when you get the fear, hold it and count 5 elephants -

 

one elephant

two elephants

three elephants

four elephants

five elephants

 

Then let it out. Tell your girlfriend you are feeling a bit overwhelmed with emotions and you need to sit down. "I'm a bit overwhelmed with feelings, I think I need to sit down."

 

Then sit down. Notice your breathing. Keeping regular, deep breaths will help you to be calm. Being calm means you can talk about whatever it is that made you afraid. And you can think through the worst case and best case scenarios and figure out that the actual scenario will almost certainly be somewhere in the middle and be the same as last time something like this happened.

 

Now this is not just for when you're thinking about or with your girlfriend. It's for every thing you get upset about. If you're alone, what are you afraid of?

 

Worst case: a lion jumps into your room and eats you

Best case: you learn to levitate when no-one else can see you doing it

 

Well, neither of those is going to happen, is it? So what are you afraid of? Even you and your girlfriend split up (although that is unlikely, and not the end of the world) that lion isn't going to jump into your room.

 

Maybe you're actually bored and, being a bright, sensitive and thoughtful young man like you, you need things to think about, to enjoy. More things than just your girlfriend. Maybe you have a car. How about tinkering with that? Washing it? Changing the oil, learning how to tune it, decal it, whatever it is you want to do with it.

 

Or maybe you fancy getting to connect your mind with your body better, do some exercise, stretching, join a sports club (football, soccer, baseball) or do yoga, pilates, karate.

 

You can negotiate with your girlfriend about things. This is better than shouting and swearing at her. That just makes her afraid and so she lies to you. If you like, you can ask her to call or text you when she gets to a place or gets home after going out. Just for peace of mind that she's safe. As you learn to trust her more, you may want to adjust that. You may also want to tell her what you will and won't accept. Again, negotiate. It may change over time, as you guys learn to trust one another. To not be afraid so much.

 

So, anyway, that's as much as I can think of now, but do have a look at that site and see if it helps you develop healthier, better thought patterns.