Any Single Moms? What is life like without the father?

[chrissy4534624]

Hello!

 

I'm wondering if there are any single mom's here and want to know how well you adjusted to raising a child on your own. How hard it was to deal with the breakup with the father, how you feel now, and how it has affected your children. Do you still keep in touch with the father, is he in the children's lives, do you want him in the children's life? I'm 5 months pregnant and have broken up with the father my x-fiance which I believe is for the best. The pregnancy was planned but him turning into a big jerk, wasn't.

 

I'm now facing raising a child on my own which was never my plan, especially after growing up in a single parent household0- it was the one thing I always said I would never want to do. Funny how things go I guess. I'm at the point of confusion as to if I want him in the babies life at all, based on the fact that he seems to care more about the party life then he does about anything else. I'm scared he would be a bad influence on the child in the long run. He goes back and forth with, "I want it" "I don't want it" and even told me to get an abortion on Christmas, after he was the one who was more into creating the baby then I was. He told me he wanted to start a family blah blah, but I guess he got scared. I broke it off with him a few times, ran back to him, but now have cut it off completely.

 

I know I could be with him right now just for the babies sake, but I don't think it would be a healthy environment to raise a kid in. I'm moving in 2 weeks, we're both active duty military but I'm separating from the service and heading back home to Florida (separating half due to pregnancy but mostly because I've been dealing with sexual harassment at my job from a superior for over a year now. The stress caused numerous pregnancy complications and now I'm just ready to take a break from the military and have the baby back home).

 

He is staying in the military and we will live states away from each other. He says he wants part in the babies life now, although he has changed his mind numerous times, he says he is going to pay child support with no problem and that he will take care of anything extra thats needed for the child ontop of the CS but I'm not sure I really want anything from him at this point. I know he has a big responsibility in this, especially since this was his plan more then it was mine, but I'm scared that his ups and downs will cause confusion in the child's life if he has custody rights.

 

I have enough on him to make sure he can never see the child again, being that he's a total ass, but I'm not sure if I want to deprive the child of it's father either. Is it better to not have a male infulence in it's life at all, or to have a really crappy male influence in it's life? I never had the father around, but my mom dealt with it the best she could and did a really great job raising me on her own. I'm just really unsure at this point of what to do. I'm sure once I leave he will forget all about the kid and go on with his little party, I probably don't have much to worry about because I doubt he really wants to take part in it's life, as he has said over the past few weeks but I'm still confused.

 

I don't want to have a child that is upset with me later because my anger was the reason it didn't know it's father. I know it's selfish to not want him around, but at this point he has proven that all he cares about is himself and he isn't really mature at all. I still love him, the jerk that he is, but I know breaking it off with him was for the best. I don't believe he ever truely loved me or even understands what love is about.

 

Any help, suggestions, comments or opinions are welcomed.

[bethyboo]

Leaving my son's father was the best thing I ever did for myself. He was abusive physically and emotionally. My son would of never known the "true" me if I didn't leave him. I stayed with him for 10 years. I was depressed all the time and my son would see me cry often.

 

His father and I became friends after 2 years of splitting up. We talk on the phone for along time, but we only discuss issues of our son. School, behavior, etc. I have remained in the same town as my ex, for the convenience for my son to be able to see us both.

 

It is very hard at first, but the more time that goes by, the stronger I got, and my son too.

 

How old is your child?

[pinkroses]

I have a 9 year-old son. I was married when I had him, left his father when my son was 15 months old. SOmetimes I feel guilty about it but I was miserable and I didn't love my husband. He was very verbally abusive and controlling and I almost felt suicidal at the thought of spending the rest of my life with him. I didn't want my child growing up in an unhappy home or witnessing divorce when he was older so I got out suddenly. My ex and I share custody, which is a long and complicated story, but hopefully will work out best for our son in the long run.

 

Good for you for thinking of yourself and your child's needs and happiness first. Some women will sell themselves and their children out just to have a man around. Trust me, you can get by on your own, or until you find a decent man who will treat you both well. I've been on my own nine years now. Hopefully your baby's father won't try to pursue any rights to the child, but for a piece of advice, be prepared in case he does. You might consult with a lawyer to see how to be prepared for that if it happens. Consultations are usually free.

 

Take care and good luck.

[aroseInLove]

I have two daughters.. I divorced from abuse with a 3 y/old and I was pregnant with our 2nd daughter...

 

Leaving my girls' father was the ABSOLUTE best thing I ever did for myself as well as my girls.. We were finally at peace.. for once our house was a happy place.. .. we were safe...

 

One thing I DID do... As soon as my baby would walk.. I called my ex first to arrange this.. I drove my girls to his house twice a week and stayed in the driveway.. brought a book to read.. I made my elder daughter wave to me ev. 15. minutes from this one window.. It was to be our signal that all was a 'happy place' with them and their daddy... My ex otherwise could care less if he EVER saw those girls...

 

It took YEARS of this routine.. but the day came... they bonded... He insisted I come in for coffee... and let me know I could keep them there w/o waiting in my car all those hours..

 

I didn't do THIS visiting thing for him... I did it for my girls.. I think the best gift I EVER could have given them is their own dad... they'd not otherwise have...

 

As for the struggles.. yes.. but in part because I did it w/o child support as my choice.. all I wanted from him was for him to LOVE HIS GIRLS!!!! ..

 

In life, my girls are well-adjusted... they are grad students.. almost 23 ... and almost 27... They love their dad and vice-versa.. If you ask them if they EVER had hardships w/o him living in same household, they'd say no... but their only fear was rejection that disippated more and more with time.

 

Good luck to you.. God Bless... rose